DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

. I understand now why DP struggled with the dump trip last week and why today DP said there was no point in arguing with FF one he'd made his mind up that he was coming.

Your partner was enthusiastic about last night , he didn’t sound pushed into it at all. Not only that but it’s absurd if you’re trying to say an adult especially a 51 year old can’t say to his friend, presumably of a similar age, “no tonight is too last minute for us mate, we’re not prepared to host you, but I can still come to yours as we had planned. If that doesn’t work let’s reschedule.” And if he really can’t that’s pathetic. He can tell you what’s what but not his friend right?

I just can’t understand why so much blame is shifted onto FF, even if your husband felt he had to say yes to him and his girlfriend what’s his excuse for inviting the two others as well? He sounds a lot like FF himself and very self absorbed and dismissive of what you want.

ETA: I’ve just noticed French girlfriend didn’t come after all. This is probably why he refused to do something at her house. She needed a quiet evening and unlike you her partner respected her wishes. For all you’re criticising FF, he apparently didn’t run roughshod over his girlfriend’s wishes. That was yours who did that.

Compromise is what you need OP. He wants to socialise all the time, you don’t. In a partnership there needs to be a middle ground. Like certain days are definitely off limit for hosting. AND Communication. He needs to communicate thoroughly about any hosting plans and why. It can work.

That’s awful 😣

I hope he’s changed now and his behaviour hasn’t put you off speaking your mind to him or objecting to something if you don’t agree with his plans?

The silent treatment is basically a method of control and punishment.

The late40s marked a shift in my tolerance and energy for socialising.
We used to host a lot - student days, 20something, 30s with small kids. But I'm now 51 and I've been through a few years with really low energy levels and I just haven't got the vroom to whirl through the house checking there's a spare loo roll and that the dishwasher is ready.

A good, comfortable pub, to meet friends, nurse a pint for an evening would have been a male centric option years ago. There's always been a need for these spaces. But I just don't want to be providing it anymore.

I'm guessing that it will take a few days for DP and I to sort things out. DP is triumphant that it went well, the food was okay and that my reaction was ridiculous. I'm still feeling badly stung that he didn't consult me or explain the situation fully before agreeing to it. I'm also smarting from being called inflexible and a fun sponge. He seems to get more extrovert and sociable as he gets older and would love to be socialising every evening. I'm going in the other direction and prefer quality of contact to quantity. I hope it's not going to trip us up. Feel a bit gloomy about it.

You have every right to feel stung, he rode roughshod over you and your feelings. Even if the bean stew was a culinary masterpiece, that’s not the point here

@shams05 The silent treatment (particularly when it's for as long as that) is legally classed as emotional abuse.

This is an excellent post and I hope you take it to heart @Anthologist. Even though your humor is wonderful, don’t let it hide the fact that you’re hurting. 💐

@Sham....you are clearly in a highly abusive relationship.
As are your poor children.
I hope you are realising this and have support.

Hey OP, just wanted to say I've thoroughly enjoyed your thread. I've been awake early with a cup of tea in bed while everyone else sleeps....this is the sort of escapism I come to MN for...thank you for sharing and I look forward to the next instalment with the French girlfriend

As much as I didn’t want to enjoy this thread as it really sounds like a shitty situations, your updates really did make me smile @Anthologist ! I’m glad you were able to make light of it (and I would feel similarly about French girlfriend - @hotsouple that skit was spot on!)

I hope now that the dust has settled that you’re able to have a frank and honest conversation with your DH about the position he put you in and how disregarded he made you feel. And get a month’s worth of rest!

I’m glad you have found someone else’s trauma so entertaining

Glad it went Ok Op.

Your husband can be as sociable as he wants-but not at your expense!

He's an absolute fool for just doing as his friend says-but that's obviously more important than you.

I'm not sure what I would have done tbh.

Just eaten, eaten & stayed or gone upstairs & avoided the whole thing.

When you wake up and chose to be shitty,..

and I’d not describe this as trauma.

Did you read all of OP’s updates? She is naturally hilarious and has a knack for storytelling, even in shitty situations.

@Thursdaygirl A very odd take on trauma you've got there. I may have been fucked off and a bit shaken by the way the situation blew up, but I'm not traumatised. If the only way you can feel good about yourself is by being mean to people on the internet while using me for a shield, maybe you need to get help? Being randomly mean isn't conducive to a happy, healthy life. Take it from an inflexible fun sponge.

When I DP’s birthday @Anthologist? (Or anniversary/Christmas whatever’s next…) Might I suggest you buy him a copy of Julia Childs’ recipe book and tell him to have at it next time he thinks a spontaneous dinner party is a good idea? If he suggest that you cook, you can always thump it violently on the bench to illustrate just how much you detest that idea.

Oh blimey, there was a hint of sarcasm in my “trauma” comment, I didn’t expect everyone to take it quite so badly ……

@StolenChanel Forget lovely French girlfriend, it's you I adore! I so want 'Naturally hilarious: Mumsnet' on my gravestone. Possibly a tattoo, too. It's the highest accolade in my book. But thank you, and everyone else who 'got' me. It was fun to play with some of you.

Just own it. Anything else is embarrassing.

Well handled OP.
I don’t understand why these irritating men can’t just have a meal at the pub instead of dragging their womenfolk into their irritating bean-stew fuelled plans.

@Anthologist well now I can walk through my day with my head held high, knowing that I have outdone Lovely French Girlfriend! 😄

What...roasted?

I was in a relationship for about two years with a bloke who was in the Freemasons. During our relationship, he was working towards becoming master of the lodge and this meant a LOT of entertaining except.....I am an introvert.

I hated it, my job was very physical whereas he was desk bound and so I was always knackered, smelly and exhausted.

In the end this lifestyle broke me down even though I had a colleague calling me into work to get me out of it all on some of the occasions.

The money spent was extraordinary and all just to be invited back to dozens of other peoples houses. I didn't gel with any of them and it was all so superficial.

I left for this and a variety of other reasons but the relief!

He is UR for the impromptu invitation.

YABU for claiming all the work to make the house presentable for "lovely French girlfriend" unless of course you habitually leave the toilet in a nasty state.

The PP who said this is the rosy goggles falling off with the menopause nailed it.

Been there. A bit of a bumpy time in our relationship pointing out to DH I was not prepared to put up with this kind of shit any more. But to his credit he eventually got it and is now a lot more considerate.

I understand you feeling gloomy OP but all is not lost.