To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

I’d be concerned about the health of someone I cared about, too. Whatever people like to tell themselves, as they age no one who is obese is healthy.

She’s in denial about the damage she’s done to her body. You shouldn’t have to join in with the denial, so you were right to say what you did.

So tricky.

I think I'd be inclined to attempt to change the subject and not
endorse her policy.

I absolutely understand you don't feel able to agree with her.

It's a bit like discussing politics.

You are absolutely right in what you think but you shouldn’t have said it, especially in front of other people.

Your friend knows the score, knows how unhealthy it is to be that weight and I would just gently encourage her to look at her health and support her in any way you can.

The thing is your friend will know all about the issues with her weight. She doesn't need you or anyone else to remind her. The body positivity thing will be helping her to cope and feel confident with who she is now.
I am a big believer of allowing people to lose weight as and when they are ready to.
Just be there for her, and maybe change the way you socialise to go for short walks etc.

I imagine your friend knows she's overweight and unhealthy OP. Her body positivity is obviously an attempt to elevate her self esteem. We all have varying levels of fitness and all she did was say that the walk back was steep for her.

Your post comes across as judgemental and condescending. I hope you're not treating her in the same vein. Accept her for who she is.

These convos never go well. I have 2 friends at least a size 30 but I would not go on holiday with them. I meet them for lunch and say nothing though I heartiy disagree with body positivity.

Did you name change to start this thread cos you're slightly embarrassed about it?

Her body her choices. You can't make people think sensibly, they have to come to it on their own and your comments could very well make her go the other way.

You're completely right to be concerned for your friends health but you've blown it completely by doing it in front of friends. You've embarrassed her utterly in front of her closest friends.

I am opposed to calling people out. Never works..They only feel attacked. You can change the way you socialise.

YANBU to be concerned but YABU to bring it up to her especially publicly. Body image is a minefield and if she was genuinely happy with her body she wouldn’t emphasise body positivity so much so she’s maybe trying to find a place of acceptance. If she wants to try to lose weight she will try or speak to someone in her own time. Publicly calling her out isn’t going to do anything good for her or your friendship with her. Meet her where she’s at and accept her for it or if you can’t then she’s better without you judging her

This is a tricky one...on the one hand, size 30 and unable to walk is very big for someone who is 5'2" and still so young.

BUT, do you honestly think you telling her off (as she will perceive it) will make her suddenly more healthy? I read a few books on diet culture and disordered eating (I'm in recovery from eating disorders) and they mentioned research which says the opposite - that feeling shamed for your weight impacts your health in a negative way regardless of your weight.

So, I've voted yabu. Not that you're u to feel concerned, but I don't think your approach is likely to have helped her. You've likely made it worse

Oh and I can only imagine how much courage it's taking her to socialise at the moment. The body positivity is a coping mechanism.

There was no reason for you to say anything, especially in company.

She knows she is fat, she knows she is unfit, and she's trying to be positive about the things she can be positive about, then you decided to embarrass her in front of others.

If it was out of concern you could have spoken to her away from everyone else and in a more thoughtful way. It sounds like it wasn't concern though, just common old spite.

DH once had a friend like this. She was a similar size and mindset.

I say 'was'. Because she passed away a few years ago. Her GP told her if she continued with her mindset she wouldn't see 40. He was right.

OP you didn't do anything wrong. As long as you are respectful then you are right to gently say something. At any time you can.

DH and his friends all worried about their friend and were heartbroken when she passed away.

I think you’re right! She’s in denial and now you’ve placed a pebble in her shoe which just might make her focus as much on being healthy as much as looking good.

She may be pissed off at you but she brought it up and shouldn’t expect her friends to pretend that an easy walk was an arduous trek.

This is why I dislike the body positivity movement. There is nothing positive about morbid obesity. Your friend is fast heading to disability and a premature death.

Unfortunately she sounds fully captured by them and determined to stay in denial. And that means she’s pissed at you. It’s a bit like if you said to a Christian friend, ‘you do realise all this Jesus stuff is a load of made up crap?’ . If you dispute someone’s core beliefs that they base their entire sense of self around, they won’t be pleased with you.

She must know she’s fat. She must know she’s unhealthy. She has constructed this fortress of ‘body positivity’ to not have to face up to this. And you’ve just fired a cannon at it.

who knows, maybe your words will slowly penetrate and one day she will thank you. Or she may not and just fade you out.

I think if you really want to be helpful then rather than saying it in front of others, you would be better trying to get her moving - get her out for a walk, go swimming with her, that sort of thing. Make it positive rather than negative.

You humiliated her under the guise of concern, apologise but don't say anything about her health that's not your business.

I've seen a few accounts now where there are bigger sized ladies doing fashion try ons for size 26 plus and size 30 and it's always going to be tricky because we all know that weight isn't healthy. It's going to lead to joint problems and allsorts down the line.

But anything to with weight is instantly met with "oh they could have a medical condition or I'm really happy this size etc " though I struggle believing it's all medical related.

They then insist they are happy with this size and I think it's a justification to be that way because if someone is happy, who are you to question their happiness?

Your friend probably knows she's unhealthy and overweight but sadly until she hits her rock bottom, she won't do anything about.

Sadly it's frowned upon to criticise obesity. And I say this as someone who is overweight.

You certainly shouldn't have brought it up in front of everybody.

I'm sure your friend realises she's fat and unhealthy, so let her be. Would you be harassing her if she were a smoker, heavy drinker etc. We are all adults, don't judge her, just be her friend

Shes size 30 and can't walk up a slight incline

The woman is delusional about her health and nothing you say will change that

Of course her weight and attitude to her weight are worrying , her health is obviously very poor and no amount stick on nails and hair do-s will fix that

No point mentioning it to her, though.

She's deluding herself, and she knows it. It's all very well accepting yourself as you are, but if you eat crap as well then it's going to catch up with you. Exercising gets harder so it becomes a vicious circle. I don't think you were out of order. You've held your tongue so far and maybe you hit a nerve, but it's not a bad thing. I would forget about upsetting her and hope she does too, and try not to discuss this subject with her until she asks for your help or opinion.