To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

You were unreasonable to have brought it up in front of others.

I'm fat and I know it,

I am trying to be healthier but it is hard. I do find the body positivity movement helpful as it helps me value my body and therefore eat healthier.

(I do also have major health issues anyway and am in a wheelchair which doesn't help the exercising thing).

She’s not your friend is she? Or if she is, who needs enemies with friends like you. Clearly she is damaging her body and it’s not healthy to be that size. What did you think you were going to achieve by humiliating her in front of people? It sounds like you’re more concerned with being right rather than any interest in how your friend is. I hope she has other people in life who will be there for her. This reads like petty oneupmanship.

I would rather have a friend who was straight talking and honest with me than one who supports delusions and poor choices.

The friend is the one bringing up health and body weight. She can't expect everyone to sit and agree with her false information just because it's better for her ego. Maybe OP's words will help her friend reflect.

You shouldn’t have brought it up. Your friend might have behaved as if she found it funny that she needed a seatbelt extender, but it’s likely it’s easier to pretend than admit she’s embarrassed. I doubt she really believes the body positivity rubbish either. It will just be easier to pretend she does than to admit that she’s allowed her body to get too big and needs to do something about it.

If she’s not willing to face reality, you forcing it on her is only going to damage your friendship.

If I thought foe one second this was because you were genuinely concerned for her health you then know a time and place for it

This was not then and you know it so I am not buying the 'I am really concerned'

Michelle McDonald is your friend. Inform J that plus duze influencers are dropping like flies and you don't want her to join them. If she has a bf who is encouraging her to get bigger, it's to feed his fetish, not to boost her health.

Ultimately, J.has to make her own decision but you wouldn't be a friend if you didn't voice your concerns.

Oh dear, no wonder she is frosty. You obviously care about her and if she is as good a friend as you say she is, you are right to be concerned and perhaps could say it quietly and privately should the right situation arise. But to say this in front of her closest friends was really ill-judged. Surely you can see how humiliated she must be?

I don't subscribe to the view that people must say what they think if they feel that someone needs to hear something. It is about picking your moments and words carefully. I disagree that it "wasn't a time where you could just say nothing in the moment".

Sadly though, as bad as her health is, as others have said her positivity is likely a front. And she will only change if she wants to, so from now on just try to be supportive and non-judgemental. She will likely be extra sensitive and unlikely to listen, so any further attempts by you to bring it up will not likely go down well.

A good friend is someone who’s brave enough to talk to you about things that may be harming you - if my close friend was a heavy smoker or drinker I’d show her my concern rather than ignore it. To do otherwise is cruel. It’s not judging, it’s being concerned.

Like others have said. Of course you can be concerned for a friend, but basically it’s a private chat if at all. There’s no way she doesn’t know how big she is or that she’s unfit. She is trying to boost her self esteem and she is an adult with capacity to make her own decisions. I would support her to be body positive and that includes making healthy choices and doing some activity together if she wants. You may well make choices she doesn’t agree with but she leaves you to it. Like her for who she is and the better she feels about herself the more likely she is to want to change.

i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

i think you probably could have and should have though, she’s going to know she’s unhealthy and overweight it’s not like society refrains from mentioning it. I do think you did the right thing saying the hill wasn’t that bad etc but this is a very personal topic and bringing it up in that way must have been a real shock to her and very embarrassing. In your place I’d be messaging to apologise for doing that in public and just explain that you love her and sometimes worry about her.

“I would forget about upsetting her”. Lovely advice. The humanity of fat people doesn’t count then? I say this as someone who has never had weight issues, but the way overweight people are treated is disgusting. So much BS is thrown their way under the guise of “concern”.

YABU, and everyone piling on here to say "you're worried about her health, of course you were right to say something!" is also unreasonable.

Do you honestly think she doesn't know how heavy she is and how much she struggles? Do you think she'd choose to be the size she is if she could figure out a solution? Do you think she wants you to judge her and call her out in front of your friendship group? And did YOU honestly think your snarky judgemetal comment would be the one thing that would turn her life around and have her crying to you and begging you to help her so she can lose weight and be happy like you?

Get over yourself. We've all been in situations where we've had to bite our tongues, and managed to do it. You just didn't want to, and if I were your friend I'd be off with you too.

If you want to be supportive of her and her health, you have to recognise that her disordered eating is something she is struggling to figure out a solution to and may not be in a place right now where she feels like she can even figure that out. It's not as simple or easy for her to make choices that support her health as it is for you and you have no concept of the reasons why because you have never asked or thought about it.

You could have chosen to have a private conversation with her, but you chose not to. You hurt her and shamed her in front of all your friends. You could have chosen to use supportive and non-judgemental language in private conversation, like "I love your body positivity and support your right to feel good in your body no matter what size you are. How are you feeling in general?" That has the potential to lead on to an open conversation where you can offer support and listen to her, instead of judging her for not being able to make the same choices you do and have the same body you do. If you're really her friend, back off being unhelpful and shaming her and be kind. No addict was ever shamed into solving their problem, why would you ever think this was any different?

Your intentions were good, but she probably felt shamed by the public nature of your comments and felt judged by you. It's a tricky one. I am overweight (size 18) and know it's not healthy. I am not sure I would want a friend calling this out in front of others or even privately 1:1.

If it was drugs or alcohol no one would accuse you of spite or not being her friend by mentioning what she’s doing to herself. She’s killing herself.

I am not really into telling my size 30 friends I love their bodies. Sounds insta babble. I just say nothing.

Well said. I can feel the sneering and condescension from this thread, which is funny given how many people are now overweight or obese. Why do we so often talk about people with weight issues as if they’re ripe for a good kicking?

It's tricky. But when people are in denial and deeply defended against knowing a reality, the usual response to someone pointing reality out to them in words, is rage.

The process of really being able to face painful realities is a gradual one and people in deep denial won't do that unless there is a lot of support or some major crisis which forces their hand with something even more unpalatable than the feelings their are trying to avoid with their denial.

No one deeply defended against it will change their denial simply because someone else says some words to them.

In the surface it's about weight but deep down it's the fundamental reality that you can't have your cake and eat it. If you want to overeat and choose unhealthy food you'll be fat. You can't be healthy AND eat whatever you like whenever you like. The body positivity thing is a way of trying to "bend" reality and believe that being a size 30 at 5'2" is good for you.

Unfortunately the usual rules apply to your friend J just as they apply to everyone.

You have to choose between the two. That means the loss of the one you don't choose and the acceptance that you're subject to the laws of nature like everyone else.

For some people the idea having to accept a limitation or a loss is so terrifying they will go to any lengths to avoid it. J must be very frightened about that deep down, that being a size 30'seems like the better option.

She really needs a therapeutic relationship in which the reality could be gradually brought into her awareness while at the same time providing the support to her to bear it.

I think part of the problem is you have now shown her, and everyone else, what you have really been thinking every time she has previously been talking about ‘body positivity’ too.

And that won’t feel good to her. She’ll have taken your silence for agreement before.

I think being concerned about her health and trying to have a conversation with her about it is fine.

But the way you went about it is absolutely atrocious! That's a one to one conversation if ever there was one, doing it in front of all your friends was a horrendous thing to do.

Part of being a friend is telling someone things they may not want to hear but need to hear. I know some people on here have disagreed with you for bringing it up in a group setting, being judgy, but the thing is it seems that she brought the subject up herself and you are entitled to have a view.

I'm not convinced you were telling her anything she didn't know and I'm not sure if you're input was really needed. But, if you are genuinely sharing worries about someone's health, it would he better to do it one to one and in a compassionate way that puts their health at the heart of the discussion rather than in front of others as a knee jerk response to something she said that you didn't agree with.

Whether or not you were factually right isn't really important, your comments werent helpful and probably closed the door on future support or conversations about her weight. Also, by doing this infront of others, you embarrassed her. You owe her an apology.

I don't think you did anything wrong but she sounds like she's in such denial that there's no point trying to persuade her to do something about it. That might change in the future though and I would just look for your window. When she's frustrated at not fitting into clothes anymore, or she's sad at the limitations on where she can walk and what she can do are getting to her, or a medical professional is very frank with her, that's when I would discuss your concerns. And offer ways you can help e.g. be an accountability buddy, go on walks with her etc.

It makes me so sad that there are people (especially young people!) living like this and that they've actually convinced themselves its normal.

I think you're right to be worried about her health but I don't think you should have said anything. It was really unkind to do it in front of others and if I were her, I'd be reconsidering the friendship.

I'd have done the same. I no longer have the patience to hear non sense from anyone.

You are obviously correct and I understand how you might have responded like that when she brought it up first in the group, but the fact that you responded that way in front of people was probably not the right way to do it and got her defensive/upset.