To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

I agree with this. Her laughing at the seat belt extender to was a way of protecting herself, laughing before others do.

Her weight isn't healthy, but most people's weight (mine included) is not healthy. I think she uses the body positivity as a support mechanism, maybe because she feels that this is it. So it's a way of acceptance.

I have 3 stones to loose to be a healthy weight for my height. However it feels impossible might as well be 20! I often say to myself well why don't you accept who you are. But that's a cop out. It's a way of not trying. My husband is so supportive and says he loves me how I am, but my body doesn't love me as I am, I'm anaemic, pre diabetic, have arthritis and I'm only 41!

So I would suggest approaching her and apologising for humiliating her in front of friends, say it's absolutely nothing about how she looks, that she does take care of herself in that respect but the weight she has is impacting her health and that is what you care about. Maybe suggest going swimming or classes.

Agree

I think anything like this needs to be dealt with soft approach, so a one to one chat, along the lines you love her, but is she having regular health checks, that sort of thing. Getting out of breath could be a sign of many things other than being overweight, - heart problems, lung issues, etc. I'd go along that line rather than anything to do with weight.

People are overweight for complex reasons, so its never black and white, and should never be discussed in social setting really, she faces enough shit for being overweight by the public in general, you're meant to be her 'safe place'.

It’s so tough isn’t it, all of this is coming from a place of love.
I bet she laughed over the seat belt thing purely
out of embarrassment, she was possibly mortified but turned it into a joke just to deflect.
I think anything you or anyone else
says to her about her weight will only upset her. She is fully, fully aware of her problems but hasn’t yet found the willpower to do anything about it. It has to come from her, and hopefully soon it will.
As her friend I think the best thing you can do is move the conversation on from her “body positivity” chats, to subtly show you don’t endorse it. Suggest going for some nice autumnal walks and if she suggests going out for an indulgent meal, maybe suggest a healthier alternative? All very subtle like “oo I love the sound of that place BUT have you ever been to xyz? I really want to try there, let’s go there!”

But the friend brought it up, repeatedly - trying to force reassurance from people. That is what makes this different. The people forcing parallels saying "would you call out a smoker," would only work if the smoker was insisting how healthy it was - you can see this makes a difference to the interaction. The friend isn't just living her life, she is trying to make her friends complicit in her delusion - that is why OP is right to draw a line under it.

It sounds as if the silence and changing topic isn't enough, she keeps going back to it - it is clear that it has got so bad that OP will feel partly responsible for her health and lower quality of life if she tells her she's fine, that's a real friendship - actually caring rather than pretending to.

And this is why the body positivity movement is needed.

No one should be told or made to feel their body is disgusting. Health is a different matter.

Can we stop throwing around the word 'gaslighting' when we mean 'misleading'.

Even in the way you've typed it out, it's rude and unnecessary. Where did the friend ask for OP's opinion on her health? She was moaning about the distance and the hill- my best friend is 5 foot nothing and a six 6 and hates walking more than about 10 metres, she'd have complained the same.

ahh tricky, probably not the right approach on your side but she’s definitely deluding herself that this body positivity movement is a good thing in her case.

Someone in her 20s shouldn’t struggle walking up a slight incline. If she doesn’t make a change now it’s only her at risk but her and her loved ones who are going to feel the stress from it.

Perhaps apologise for the way you approached it but say how worried are for her

Society is so bothered about not upsetting people that they become validated

The BPM is obviously very important to her, and when people have something like that, be it politics, diets, whatever, there is literally no point in getting into it with them as you don't stand a chance against the daily on line reinforcement of their 'thing'. All it will do is cause friction, as you've discovered. As far as her health is concerned, it would have been wiser to raise your worries outside of a discussion about BP and weight. "Are you well in yourself friend, because I was worried that you seemed to get out of breath really quick on holiday? Don't mean to worry you but it might be worth getting a check up?"

Ostensibly I agree with you. The body positivity movement can in some cases be quite toxic.

If somebody I cared about was very overweight I’d be worried. Especially if they didn’t recognise the effect on their health. Same as if they were a smoker, or a drug user, or constantly having unsafe sex, or whatever!

However, I still think YABU in this particular case because it sounds like you brought it up out of annoyance rather than care. Mentioning it in front of everyone like that would have been embarrassing. You didn’t go about it in a compassionate or gentle way. It would’ve been better to take her aside once you were back from holiday to discuss it tactfully if you were truly worried.

I think now you just gotta apologise and say it came out wrong but it’s only because you’re worried about her health.

Agree with this. You were wrong and cruel OP. I suspect this relationship is over.

We don't do alcohol positivity. If someone tried to tell you a can of special brew for breakfast helps keep the weight off and keep you healthy you'd give them short shrift.

It's a mental health and addiction issue but one we treat much more kindly than the others.

Your friend knows she is unhealthy.
She doesn’t need you to tell her.

However, you have every right to talk to her, same as you would friend drinking too much, etc

Hopefully your friend has medical care and support from GP/weight loss team.

The weight will impact her knees, gait, fertility, skin fold give rise to odor and infection. She is aware of this every day.

If you are feeling bad, just tell her you love her and your concerns came from your heart.

You've misunderstood me. The OP didn't mean to upset her friend, so she should put it behind her, try to forget about the upset and move on. I have experience on this with a friend - not about weight but about beliefs. We're fine now and just avoid that subject.

Do you really not think there's a difference between someone being a size 6 and 'hates walking' and someone who actually struggles to walk because shes a size 30?

The body positivity movement isn't about eating unhealthily intentionally to be obese on purpose. It's about the fact that everyone, regardless of what size they are, how able bodied they are, what colour their skin is - have the right to go out, go to clubs, get on planes, access healthcare, wear a bikini, and feel good about themselves, and everything else that anyone else does. That is what it's about.

It's awkward and perhaps unwise to challenge her account in company. You are not wrong to have that opinion and you are concerned about her but I don't like the way you characterise it with the use of the term 'to call out' your friend as if you are doing some sort of moral correction.

And people wonder why a body positivity movement exists... sigh...

My point is, your friend wasn't asking for your opinion on that. She was moaning about the walk. You decided to make it personal and have a dig at her health.

You can't really compare being overweight with alcoholism. Overweight people don't tend to get abusive after eating, have black outs or lose their jobs. Ask a child of an alcoholic how they feel about their parent then ask someone who's parent was overweight.

It's really tough. I have a family member in almost this exact situation. She went no contact with her own father because he brought it up with her (in a very sensitive way, purely because he was concerned about her health). She refuses to attend any healthcare facility (including check ups at the dentist, optician, vaccines etc.) because she's afraid they'll criticise her weight. She constantly posts online about body positivity.

We've come to the conclusion that there's nothing we can do until she asks for help or at least volunteers to talk about it. I won't endorse her opinions about body positivity, but I won't challenge her either. We're just waiting until she's ready to admit that she has a problem. In the meantime, it's increasingly difficult for her to participate in normal family life so she's becoming more isolated. It's really tough for us all.

Yes I agree with this.

I have struggled with my weight all my life (always been a smidgen overweight and struggle to keep it there) but now I’m 5’2’’, built up to a size 16 and am categorised as obese with high cholesterol and blood pressure. The scare I needed at 40 to try and now really focus on losing weight to be healthy.

anytime I’ve eluded to certain friends that I need to lose weight for my health, it’s always rebuffed with a series of ‘oh your bones must be heavy, BMI doesn’t mean anything, your blood pressure is high because you were stressed when they took it, your cholesterol results must be wrong’. Like nobody can ever accept that sometimes it is imperative in order to prevent my early death. And they look for every excuse under the sun which means drinking a bottle of wine a night and a family sharing bag of crisps to myself everyday couldn’t possibly be the cause.

Just using this post to have a rant really! 😂 do wish people in the past would have encouraged me to be a bit healthier, rather than topping up my glass of wine to drown those thoughts of it being unhealthy out of my head…

You love her and are worried about her, but she knows what she’s doing, the same way a heavy smoker knows what they’re doing. Until she’s ready to hear it, she will only see it as an attack.

When you apologise, definitely reassure her that you know she’s still beautiful, and you’re sorry you made her feel uncomfortable around your friends. You didn’t mean to come across as judgemental and you only said anything because you love her and want her to be healthy, but you recognise it was the wrong setting.

That kind of apology shows that you are sorry for how it came across, but you’re not retracting the fact that you are concerned. Don’t offer to help her by taking her for walks etc, as that will sound really patronising. Just be there to listen if she wants to respond to your apology - she might reveal a little nugget that you can then use as your next step towards helping her. If she shuts down, doesn’t acknowledge you, or doubles down on the body positivity stuff at that point, it means she’s not ready to hear it and there isn’t much you can do right now.

Well bloody said. The ignorance and prejudice by some posters on this thread is outstanding.

I agree with you but wouldn't have said it in front of other people.