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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

316 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 28/08/2024 21:57

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

OP posts:
Gingernan · 30/08/2024 19:12

I brought up 3 children alone after their dad died,honestly they were my whole life, but I was just happy when they were off to uni, I felt I had done my best, but there were certainly some really tough times. My son met his now wife at uni and never really came home again ( I'd really like to see more of him) but both girls returned at different times and the eldest is about 5 years in on her second return. I've never felt tearful about them going,quite relieved and proud .

Sunshineonararainydayyy · 30/08/2024 19:12

I think it’s always been the way but you don’t give it any headspace until it’s relevant to you, like so many things in life. You may look forward to a clean kitchen, full fridge and getting a say on what’s on the TV but my goodness when they’ve been such a huge part of your physical and emotional headspace for 18years it’s like a bit of you suddenly going missing.

restingbitchface30 · 30/08/2024 19:12

I cried all day when I dropped her off last year. Completely sobbed from the minute I dropped her till I went to sleep. But it got easier. She’s been home now since May and she’s going back next week and I can’t bloody wait. I love my daughter, but I think I got used to her not being here and now she uses all my stuff and can get a real cob on over the smallest things when she’s home. I guess what helps is that I have 2 year old twins to keep me busy, without them it might be different.

Cesarina · 30/08/2024 19:12

…….and just to make it clear in case I get accused of being clingy and trying to hold her back, I support her, visit her, celebrate her achievements and have never tried to guilt-trip her about being far away. She knows I miss her, but want her to live her life, and the two are not mutually exclusive.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 30/08/2024 19:13

I think raising a child is always a mix of conflicting emotions, I cried on dds last day at her childminders, I cried when she finished primary school, the teen years have been hard and I've cried lots of tears for various reasons!

Dd is taking a year out now she's finished college and I'm really pleased she is, I'm not ready for her to go yet.

It's just been dd and I so it will feel very quiet when she does go to uni.

Whyhaveibeencutoutofmamsnot · 30/08/2024 19:19

The term/year goes very quickly and they will be back in June with ten times as much stuff as they left with and only take a fraction back next year.
At least now we have whats app and video calls - a far cry from the coin eating phone in the hall of residence corridor.

TonTonMacoute · 30/08/2024 19:19

As a parent we are constantly 'losing' our children. I would give anything to spend the odd day with younger DS - particularly around that ages 6.7.8 - but that little boy has gone forever, even though I have a lovely 25 year old son.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 30/08/2024 19:20

It's horrendous

MrsWhattery · 30/08/2024 19:21

I love my own space and never saw myself as a mum who lived through her DC. I work, do hobbies etc and honestly thought I'd be fine seeing them off to university, but the oldest went last year and I missed him so much. I kept thinking he was at home and what he might like for tea and things like that, then remembering he wasn't there. I am a single mum, so maybe that makes a difference. But yes lots of crying!

It has gradually got better and I've got used to it. But it is an odd thing. That little person that you adore so much and do everything for, of course they grow up and leave but until it happened I hadn't truly got my head round it.

anon666 · 30/08/2024 19:22

I think it passes quicker than other griefs.

That's what I concluded when I experienced it abd wondered the same.

The pain and loss was replaced by a more positive feeling of hope and pride in her and acknowledgement that she is happier there than she would ever have been at home.

MrsWhattery · 30/08/2024 19:23

As a parent we are constantly 'losing' our children. I would give anything to spend the odd day with younger DS - particularly around that ages 6.7.8 - but that little boy has gone forever, even though I have a lovely 25 year old son.

Yes so much this! DS is a lovely older teen now and we still get on and chat, but that quirky, funny, huggy little boy who would talk to me all day – I do miss that.

Washingupdone · 30/08/2024 19:25

I feel for you all, I live alone, with the empty nest syndrome in the EU. I had one DD who studied at uni (now working and married) in the UK at the same time another was living (for several years) in Australia with DC. Fortunately, my third DD is only living an hour’s drive away, for the moment.

Tinkeebell · 30/08/2024 19:28

KimberleyClark · 28/08/2024 22:42

Just be grateful you had a full nest. Some people never get that.

Is that really a necessary comment?

Panpastels · 30/08/2024 19:34

Grief is a strong word. I've had one child sectioned at 14 and never came home again to live - she's now in supported living.

I've also got an adult son who will likely never live independently away from home.

My two youngest (currently teenagers) will likely go to uni, and although I will miss them, I will feel tbe least amount of 'grief' for them leaving home.

keffie12 · 30/08/2024 19:48

I came on this thread and it's the opposite of what I expected it to be about.

I call it "living grief" as the person hasn't passed. Yes I went through it to a little extent with 3 of 4 of mine.

By the time I got to the last one to leave home in his 30s though it felt odd it defo was the right time.

3 out of 4 of mine live abroad since uni etc. I've just one local to me. I help out with the grandchildren and visit the others annually.

Askingforafriendtoday · 30/08/2024 19:48

sunseaandsoundingoff · 28/08/2024 22:27

I think it's the difference between parents who make their kids their whole life and haven't really have any interests outside of them for 18 years, and those who have.

Very simplistic view, imo, and not borne out by the evidence of the deep levels of distress some parents feel

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/08/2024 19:54

I’ve been through it all twice, but honestly, the Christmas term goes by so fast - before you know what they’re home again with mountains of washing and eating you out of house and home.

spacer · 30/08/2024 19:57

I cried all the way home from dropping my first daughter off at uni. I rang her the next day and couldn’t hold back the tears. I had to close her bedroom door as the empty room made me cry even more. She was upset at the thought of me being upset and came home every Thu-Sun for the first year of uni. If she didn’t answer my texts phone calls I would go psycho Mum. I had all her friends numbers and some of her friends Mums numbers too. I calmed down second year and the third year she finished off in London and had a ball.
My second daughter would not entertain me like her big sister did and only came home in the holidays. I only knew what she was up to via her youngest sister’s Facebook. Once the cat was out the bag she unfriended her sister.
My third daughter I was an old hat at it and let her be.

Askingforafriendtoday · 30/08/2024 19:58

Enko · 28/08/2024 22:29

I disagree.. I have a life outside of my children. I have interests outside of them. They are however my most favourite people in the world. Dh and the dog in most favourites too.. dd1s fiance and ds girlfriend slowly getting up there too..

But I have a full life thats not dependent on my children. Doesn't mean I don't want to spend time w them.

Show quote history

Completely agree@Enko@Enko, very well put too

MrsWhattery · 30/08/2024 20:01

I think it's the difference between parents who make their kids their whole life and haven't really have any interests outside of them for 18 years, and those who have.

That's what I assumed until it happened. I'm definitely not the "kids are their whole lives" type of mum so I thought I'd be fine - I wasn't.

pollymere · 30/08/2024 20:01

Mine decided to move out when they turned 18. They just wanted to be independent. We do see them occasionally.

I still feel guilty that my Mum was really looking forward to having me back after I finished Uni. But in the space of six months, I realised I was in love with my best friend and we got engaged then married a year later... I never really came home.

Askingforafriendtoday · 30/08/2024 20:05

It is sad, very sad, different, end of a very significant era.... childhood but I find it helps to think of it as the natural order of things and I do feel huge sympathy for those many parents who know that their children will never be able to leave home and live fulfilling lives independently. Those parents face a lifetime of very onerous caring responsibilities for their adult children. Lessens the natural sadness and brings relief for me.

VerbenaGirl · 30/08/2024 20:09

I totally agree - I’m there right now and it’s actually really painful.

mamaandbabas · 30/08/2024 20:31

My DD is very independent. She starts Uni in a few weeks and I am so glad she decided to stay at home, I really would have missed her so much.

RuthW · 30/08/2024 20:32

It really is awful. The first month after she went was the worst of my life. The only time I had ever lived alone.

It passes though and I had the best 4 years of my life while she was gone.