why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

One of my kids was struggling in the second week of university. Bizarrely, that snapped me out of my sadness and I went into parental support and encouragement role. I could then focus on giving them advice and support and getting updates.

It was a bit strange that that dragged me out of my feeling of flatness. They of course thrived soon after. But those early weeks can be tricky and many of these parents here who are missing their kids, will probably have a play in supporting them emotionally through the first term. They often still need us, even from far away!

Yep, same here. It was a massive wrench, but we wanted the best for him and uni had been the plan for many years which we’d all been working toward and planning for. We kept in daily contact with FaceTime, even just quickies. That made a massive difference to me to be able to see and hear him even if only a minute or two to give me peace of mind that he was ok. Yes it was emotional but a we are practical people so always try to make the head rule rather than heart.

It was actually harder once he left uni. We had him back home for the summer, but then had to move him to another city for his first proper job, his own flat, etc. That was really hard as it’s more permanent leaving home for good. At least with uni, it’s only temporary and they’re back for holidays 3 times a year and then back at the end of it. When we left our son in his new life working and living in a new city, there’s a completely different sense of permanence about it. He’s got a completely new life now whereas use felt uni was only temporary so easier to cope with.

People need to stop saying grief is just about bereavement. I work in mental health and it’s not just about death.

It can be about a change in role too and many other things. I would understand if someone had fertility issues for example and when they realised they won’t ever have kids, they might say they feel grief. I believe them.

This below is from the Cleveland clinic. I didn’t feel ‘grief’ when my kids left, but a shortish period of empty sadness instead. But I defend the right for people to state they have experienced it as grief.

‘Grief is the experience of coping with loss. Most of us think of grief as happening in the painful period following the death of a loved one. But grief can accompany any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy or ourselves. This includes the loss of connections that define us.
You may grieve the loss of:

• A friend, family member, partner or pet.
• A marriage, friendship or another form of kinship.
• Your home, neighborhood or community.
• Your job or career.
• Financial stability.
• A dream or goal.
• Good health.
• Your youth.
• Fertility.‘

Yes good point. Our son’s first weeks were marred by covid as it was 2020. His uni had everything indoors cancelled and locked. No clubs and societies except online. It was miserable and depressing for him to be stuck in his flat all day watching online lectures. Only going out for a walk round campus which was bleak as there was no buzz, just lots of sad lonely students wondering around, library shut, shops shut, even the chaplaincy shut! Then one of his flat mates got covid and they were isolated and banned from leaving the flat for two weeks. Me and OH went straight into “support” mode as he was very down and we saw he was struggling. Last thing he needed was us being emotional so we went full on to get him thinking practically, giving him suggestions of things to do, get his mind off the misery, counting down the days to the end of his quarantine, etc., and more importantly getting him to laugh at his predicament. Helping him get through it gave us a purpose and kind of filled the void.

What do you mean by ‘nature intended’? Many cultures have multigenerational living. My own family is from Asia and many adults stay at home until they’re married. Indeed, some adults stay with their parents and bring the spouse home and they continue living there until the elderly parents die.

That may not be the norm here. But are you saying that many cultures are living a unnatural life?

…….well done! You have just demonstrated exactly what I meant by people belittling and denying peoples’ feelings of grief when their child moves away.
I said I felt grief and you don’t get to decide what I’m allowed or not allowed to feel.
I did make it clear that my grief is nothing compared to the death of a child.
It’s like inferring there is a “hierarchy” of grief, and mine is down at the bottom, or doesn’t even feature.
Please don’t turn this into a competition.

@Textual , this is exactly my view. Many cultures don't have this thing where it is expected to have a complete break with kids so that they are expected to forge a completely unconnected life with the parents, if possible far away! Most areas of the world there is more interconnection - of course coming at a price of people having to put up with relatives more - but I have the plan to move near at least one of my kids when I'm retired and they have families, to be physically around. I grew up like that with the whole extended family within a 2 km radius and there is just more support there. Honestly I think that there will be a trend towards this, because a lot of the 'flying the nest' I think was based on the past when there was more open authority based conflict with the parents, if you think how eg most fathers acted with their sons 20-30 years ago, there would be a lot of conflict and 'you do as I say', nowadays everyone wants to be their kid's friend, and I think there are positives to that, in that it makes for a relationship where they WANT to be near you.

What sunseaandsoundingoff (who I was responding to)said was'
" I think it's the difference between parents who make their kids their whole life and haven't really have any interests outside of them for 18 years,"

I disagree with that strongly. As I have not made my children my whole life. I still felt grief when they left for uni. I did not "descend into a depressed state" when they left but yes I felt grief and I miss them hugely and still do. I shed a tear when ds recently returned back to uni. But I dont sit in a permanently depressed state mourning the loss of my children.

I have to say I find it rather Insulting to have it suggested that because you grieve this part of your life is over it means you have no other interests or that what you are inferring "I am descending into depression" neither of those are true for many parents (as dh felt it too and regularly express how he misses the children).

We are all different so stating that "you make your children your life and have no other interests" or you "descent into depression" is unhelpful. All it tells us is you and sunseaandsoundingoff didn't feel that way and frankly empty nest is so well known that we know a lot of parents DO feel this way.
So why not talk about it and stop denying it. Putting parents down who DOES feel it. Why not be supportive?

Can people please stop saying things like “it’s not a competition”?

We can all have our own opinions on whether “grief” is an appropriate word here but the people who think it isn’t aren’t arguing that because they think it’s a competition and want to win it. Nobody would want to win that competition, ffs.

I think many people experience physical grief just as when someone has died when their children leave home - in the same way as some people feel it after divorce, even if they filed for it, or sometimes even if they leave a job or a home. It's physical: shaking, nausea, difficulties breathing, body aches - even though you know in your mind that it's for the best and you are happy for them. In the same way as people have different physical reactions to germs or pain stimuli, people have different physical reactions to loss. I feel great sympathy towards those who have a strong reaction, as it's massively painful and gut wrenching, even though it's completely natural.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about the word grief. It's literally the definition of the word - feeling a sense of loss. That isn't meant to offend it's just how it is.

Why is this upsetting? It isn't bout competition for sympathy but what is it about? People understanding just how much worse bereavement (a death) is? I'm sure no one is suggesting it's even remotely the same thing to physically lose a child.

My attitude is 'one down, two to go'

Once again someone, ie you, is dictating who is allowed to feel grief and who isn’t. My daughter did emigrate overseas and far away. I felt grief. Thank you for allowing me to, but I don’t need your permission.
If people feel grief when their children go off to university, how dare anyone say they’re not allowed to?
You can feel grief and want them to live their own lives and be independent. The two are not mutually exclusive.
And saying you are not allowed to feel grief because another parent’s child is disabled and will not be able to go to university and/or be independent is patronising and
a complete red herring.
The arrogance of some posts on this thread is quite staggering.

I think we are actually in agreement. You are incredibly lucky that this is the most sadness you've ever experienced. I just hope you are empathetic with people who wish they could experience that sadness.

@Cesarina Once again someone, ie you, is dictating who is allowed to feel grief and who isn’t. My daughter did emigrate overseas and far away. I felt grief. Thank you for allowing me to, but I don’t need your permission.
If people feel grief when their children go off to university, how dare anyone say they’re not allowed to?
You can feel grief and want them to live their own lives and be independent. The two are not mutually exclusive.
And saying you are not allowed to feel grief because another parent’s child is disabled and will not be able to go to university and/or be independent is patronising and
a complete red herring.
The arrogance of some posts on this thread is quite staggering.

She's not saying you don't feel sad, she's saying that's different to grief. And she's right.

Absolutely this. I was bereft when I left him but boy, I was the proudest I’d ever been at his graduation.

My DD is about to go and I’m both in pieces and super proud of her in equal measure. I look at my kids and think ‘gees, we really did something right somehow as they are amazing’

But yes, it’s hard, but it’s right that they spread their wings.

I can’t believe how many unsympathetic people have posted on this thread. The OP is trying to describe how she is feeling now and asking for a bit of support. Why can’t people engage with the sentiment rather than criticising the words used?

it is hard when children leave home. Some find it easier than others. I know exactly what the OP is going through at this time and hope she finds a way to cope. Perhaps opening her heart up on Mumsnet wasn’t such a good idea but I hope she has found some comfort.

@usernother In her opinion she’s right. Other PPs agree. I respect their right to share this opinion, because that’s what it is - an opinion, not fact. In my opinion she isn’t right, and other PPs agree. Why can’t you afford us the same respect as I give to you? Is it so difficult to accept that trying to dictate what people are allowed to feel is not a good look?

Calm the pants @Cesarina. We're allowed to disagree on here.

Thank you!
“We’re allowed to disagree on here” is exactly what I was trying to emphasise! So we agree on that!
But some posters don’t come across that way at all - they are right and alternative opinions just have no agency. And on a subject such as this that can be quite hurtful.
And my pants are quite calm thank you……..at least they were last time I checked…,,

I have found it really heartening to read so many opinions on this. I have been feeling very emotional at times, and I sometimes feel it’s wrong to feel like this or unusual as we are all so blessed with this experience. It’s been such a helpful thread so thank you to the OP and to everyone who has shared.

Totally agree, it's very hard.
But the feeling doesn't last and what people also won't tell you is that it'll also be quite difficult to have them back again after term 1!!
And that you really don't need to worry because they'll in all likelihood be living with you again when they finish!
But there's no escaping it - and it's a good thing to see them take flight.

Our DD26 is home for a week from her overseas employment. Prior to commencing work with them, she also was at Uni several hours away, so I’m hearing you very much! I looked forward to her arrival, and I’m already dreading the date of departure.

As a non Uk resident, we also lost 3 christmases spent together due to covid lockdowns and being in separate countries. so I feel a sense of shift in our relationship from how it used to be… but maybe that’s also part of stepping back as a parent.?

I remember reading in the months leading up to giving birth, all sorts of parenting books and heading off to Doctor and pre natal appointments. We don’t get that same level of preparedness (IMO) for when they depart, it just isn’t talked about or maybe we just don’t listen to those going through this transition.

I was shocked at a couple of friends who basically kicked the kids out at 18 and sold family homes. Each to their own of course, but it wasn’t my idea of family.

I too took on hobbies, found some stray pets to love and generally tried to get on with things, but there’s an ache, or an itch that cannot be scratched. Hard to describe but you all at this stage will understand.

I’m delighted we have had a successful launch, and I wouldn’t want a baby again (maybe this is why people embrace being grand parents but we aren’t at this stage yet), so I know there are positives, but I’m feeling what you are too!

Totally agree with you.
I don't understand why people join these chats and then try to turn them into something else and make people feel bad it's just ridiculous.