Am I expecting too much? Is my marriage over?

[Helpinghand1234]

Bit of a long one so apologies but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I (40f) have been married to DH (40m) for just over a year (together 4) we have a ds (7 months)

When we met I owned my own home which is a 2-3 minute drive from where he still lived with his parents, and he, his parents, sister, her husband and 4 DC all lived in the same property compound where they all run their family business from. It’s not a particularly profitable business, it’s more an industry you go into for the love of it and it’s a way of life- all of their profits go into paying their bills and basically staying afloat.

When DH moved in, I knew the precarious state of his finances and commitment to the business and as it was my home initially I was understanding of the fact he couldn’t contribute to the bills (I have no mortgage so it’s just utilities)He does pay for the heating oil which is a big expense each year but I cover all of our living expenses and have bought everything for my ds.

When I found out I was pregnant it was a HUGE shock, and I did panic a bit as to how I would manage as I’d never been particularly maternal. (just fyi I love my son now more than life itself) DH told me not to worry, I’d have his support, he’d be home each day lunchtime to help out etc etc.

When DS was born, none of this support (in my opinion) materialised. The day after (an extremely traumatic) birth he didn’t show up to the hospital until 3pm. I was heartbroken, in pain from C-section and really needed him. He had woken up after a lie in (I Had been in labour 30 hrs so he hadn’t slept the previous night) and then had spent the morning at his parents house phoning round family/friends etc before having lunch together and then coming to the hospital. I’m still deeply hurt by this. I hoped he would be desperate to see us- to see and cuddle ds and to check up on and help me etc but we didn’t hear anything or see him until 3pm.

His family have always been civil but not particularly warm towards me. Since DS was born I’m treated (in my opinion) like a surrogate. If we’re at their house they will snatch him away before I’ve even had a chance to take my shoes off, pass him round like a parcel and refuse to give him back if he fusses. The first time mil visited us she held DS for 4 hours- I was trying to establish breast
feeding and was dying inside but because of the trauma of birth I couldn’t really advocate for myself (I’m much more vocal now) When I expressed to DH how upsetting it was to watch mil with DS for 4 hours when he was only 48 hours old he was annnoyed that I was critical of his mother. (This is the same response whenever I try to explain an issue I have with his family- people in the community joke that they’re like a gang you can never join.)

DH works 7 days a week, mostly 10-12 hour days, and when he does come home, one of his parents will phone to ask if he’s had dinner, or with some minor little detail about the business. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely frustrated by their constant influence over our lives. If I try and arrange a day out just the 3 of us there will either be a call from mil or fil about some (so called) emergency that means we have to come back early, or some comments about slacking off and not pulling his weight (to DH from fil) DH is affected by this and hates to disappoint them.

The summer is almost over and we have had no quality time as a family or as a couple. I have repeatedly told him this is a deal breaker for me and I need to feel like he prioritises us but nothing has changed. I have taken DS to lots of fun places, on my own. I have eaten lunch every day with just
me and DS, knowing full well that DH and his family are all eating lunch together a few minutes up the road. He chooses to be with them rather than us. I know I could go up there but I would receive a lukewarm welcome at best, and just have to watch mil ignore my boundaries with DS. For 3 days in a row DH has said he will come with me to collect a heavy piece of furniture, but always has to stay back at the business. Things came to a head today and I’ve hired a van on my own to collect as I’m sick of relying on him to be repeatedly let down because his parents decide there is something more important to do.

I could begin to understand his need to prioritise business if he was providing for DS and I, but the truth is all of his hard work goes to supporting his parents- they would not be able to continue without DH but it’s a tough pill to swallow to know you’re being overlooked for people who have no respect for you. DH thinks I have never liked his parents, but I genuinely tried in the beginning- I would always bring something with me when visiting, would ring mil before going to the supermarket etc but it’s all one way. After my C-section not a single one of the phoned to ask how I was or if I needed any shopping etc as I couldn’t drive.

I have repeatedly expressed my viewpoint, my needs and my expectations to DH, but his response is always along the lines of “the truth is you never liked mil and fil” “I’ve never been good enough for you” “what do you expect me to do, cut off all contact with them” or the one that really gets me “I’m sorry I still speak to my parents, unlike you” (for background I’m low contact with dm, no contact with df due to physical abuse in childhood- we were removed for a short time by social services but placed back with dp eventually, but my relationship with dp has been strained since then, and it hurts that DH throws this in my face)

At this point is my marriage salvageable? Am I asking too much from DH? AIBU? I know how much pressure he’s under from fil and mil so am I being awful for adding to that by telling him he’s not doing and being enough? He says “I love you” all the time, and is very physically affectionate but I keep telling him I need action not words. All I want is to know and feel that DS and I are his first priority, but it’s something I’ve never felt. Today has been awful, I’ve told him I cannot do this anymore, p his response is that he does prioritise us and I’m asking too much. Is he right? Should I accept he does what he can give the circumstances and this should be enough? Or is it time to call it quits?

Thank you x

@Starlight1979 So how do the wives financially maintain the homes?

This rings very true to me thinking of many of the farming families I know

By working???

Haha yeah of course. Ask a stupid question 🤣. I mean do the wives do it solely?

This is a bizarre line of questioning. There are as many different ways that farms and families operate as there are families. Lots of women are the principle farmers. Sometimes women do the books, sometimes men do. I don’t find it a particularly sexist sector and know loads of women working and playing leading roles. In some couples one or both have off-farm roles either because they want to or because the farm income isn’t enough for two people to live off. Domestic tasks are divided up exactly the same as in any other family (or not as the case may be). I know lots of male farmers who do plenty of cooking and childcare. Like in life you get some a**holes but no more than you’d expect by the law of averages. Oh and also many people farming don’t own the land they farm because they are tenants. The idea that all farmers are sitting on a fortune is just plain wrong.

Part of my family are farmers, trouble was the older generation wouldn't let go and refused to sanction any change. The next generation got to sixty odd without ever having any influence or control.

The resentment grew and sadly ended in a fist fight and broken relationships.

Wow, this is an interesting thread, I never knew how farming families worked and how close they were. Big eye opener. I’m not sure whether to vote YABU or YANBU.

What confuses me is that you knew he was a farmer and about his lifestyle before you moved in, married and had children with him. Was there any talk of him ever changing his job and paying his way? Or did it never come up in conversation? If not, I’m slightly shocked that it wasn’t talked about before you had children, your husband will have drifted along thinking it’s ok to only give you money for heating oil.
According to people on here, farming upbringings are somewhat old fashioned and there is a lot of work for what sounds like not a whole lot of money. You would have been able to see how his mum as a farmers wife navigates things before you made the choice to”join” the community.

I can’t say I think the lifestyle is appealing to me, but he obviously enjoys it and doesn’t want to change his job. I will say he was totally unreasonable for not being there at the birth. However, if didn’t promise you he would change or leave his job, or avoid seeing his parents as much, you can’t exactly have a go at him. He should be paying his way more, but you’ve let him get away with what he’s doing for ages. He could always sell any old stuff and gadgets on eBay or vinted to raise a bit of extra cash to help out with money.

personally I don’t think you have the right to ask him to leave his job which is a family business. You will not change him. You also can’t stop him bringing the child to spend time with his family, however you should definitely ask to join them more and be a part of things if you choose to stay. The way he is leaving you out is shite. He also sounds cruel in the way he spoke to you about your family. Have you and him considered relationship counselling? He needs to realise he cannot speak to you like that, and you need to help him see how you feel and felt during the birth of your child.

can’t comment on whether youd lose you house or not, but the more you wait the more difficult it will be for you child. I came from parents with an unhappy marriage and they’ve only just split up now that I’m 29..

i think this way of life doesn’t work for you, and you need to get out. He’s unreasonable in how he’s treated and spoke to you. You’re unreasonable expecting him to give up his vocation when it was not discussed before marriage. Split custody. You will not lose your son to them however he needs to bond with his grandparents too. Rules can be written up beforehand about what they aren’t allowed to do with your son.

I would see a lawyer asap about the house.

good luck