Am I expecting too much? Is my marriage over?

[Helpinghand1234]

Bit of a long one so apologies but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I (40f) have been married to DH (40m) for just over a year (together 4) we have a ds (7 months)

When we met I owned my own home which is a 2-3 minute drive from where he still lived with his parents, and he, his parents, sister, her husband and 4 DC all lived in the same property compound where they all run their family business from. It’s not a particularly profitable business, it’s more an industry you go into for the love of it and it’s a way of life- all of their profits go into paying their bills and basically staying afloat.

When DH moved in, I knew the precarious state of his finances and commitment to the business and as it was my home initially I was understanding of the fact he couldn’t contribute to the bills (I have no mortgage so it’s just utilities)He does pay for the heating oil which is a big expense each year but I cover all of our living expenses and have bought everything for my ds.

When I found out I was pregnant it was a HUGE shock, and I did panic a bit as to how I would manage as I’d never been particularly maternal. (just fyi I love my son now more than life itself) DH told me not to worry, I’d have his support, he’d be home each day lunchtime to help out etc etc.

When DS was born, none of this support (in my opinion) materialised. The day after (an extremely traumatic) birth he didn’t show up to the hospital until 3pm. I was heartbroken, in pain from C-section and really needed him. He had woken up after a lie in (I Had been in labour 30 hrs so he hadn’t slept the previous night) and then had spent the morning at his parents house phoning round family/friends etc before having lunch together and then coming to the hospital. I’m still deeply hurt by this. I hoped he would be desperate to see us- to see and cuddle ds and to check up on and help me etc but we didn’t hear anything or see him until 3pm.

His family have always been civil but not particularly warm towards me. Since DS was born I’m treated (in my opinion) like a surrogate. If we’re at their house they will snatch him away before I’ve even had a chance to take my shoes off, pass him round like a parcel and refuse to give him back if he fusses. The first time mil visited us she held DS for 4 hours- I was trying to establish breast
feeding and was dying inside but because of the trauma of birth I couldn’t really advocate for myself (I’m much more vocal now) When I expressed to DH how upsetting it was to watch mil with DS for 4 hours when he was only 48 hours old he was annnoyed that I was critical of his mother. (This is the same response whenever I try to explain an issue I have with his family- people in the community joke that they’re like a gang you can never join.)

DH works 7 days a week, mostly 10-12 hour days, and when he does come home, one of his parents will phone to ask if he’s had dinner, or with some minor little detail about the business. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely frustrated by their constant influence over our lives. If I try and arrange a day out just the 3 of us there will either be a call from mil or fil about some (so called) emergency that means we have to come back early, or some comments about slacking off and not pulling his weight (to DH from fil) DH is affected by this and hates to disappoint them.

The summer is almost over and we have had no quality time as a family or as a couple. I have repeatedly told him this is a deal breaker for me and I need to feel like he prioritises us but nothing has changed. I have taken DS to lots of fun places, on my own. I have eaten lunch every day with just
me and DS, knowing full well that DH and his family are all eating lunch together a few minutes up the road. He chooses to be with them rather than us. I know I could go up there but I would receive a lukewarm welcome at best, and just have to watch mil ignore my boundaries with DS. For 3 days in a row DH has said he will come with me to collect a heavy piece of furniture, but always has to stay back at the business. Things came to a head today and I’ve hired a van on my own to collect as I’m sick of relying on him to be repeatedly let down because his parents decide there is something more important to do.

I could begin to understand his need to prioritise business if he was providing for DS and I, but the truth is all of his hard work goes to supporting his parents- they would not be able to continue without DH but it’s a tough pill to swallow to know you’re being overlooked for people who have no respect for you. DH thinks I have never liked his parents, but I genuinely tried in the beginning- I would always bring something with me when visiting, would ring mil before going to the supermarket etc but it’s all one way. After my C-section not a single one of the phoned to ask how I was or if I needed any shopping etc as I couldn’t drive.

I have repeatedly expressed my viewpoint, my needs and my expectations to DH, but his response is always along the lines of “the truth is you never liked mil and fil” “I’ve never been good enough for you” “what do you expect me to do, cut off all contact with them” or the one that really gets me “I’m sorry I still speak to my parents, unlike you” (for background I’m low contact with dm, no contact with df due to physical abuse in childhood- we were removed for a short time by social services but placed back with dp eventually, but my relationship with dp has been strained since then, and it hurts that DH throws this in my face)

At this point is my marriage salvageable? Am I asking too much from DH? AIBU? I know how much pressure he’s under from fil and mil so am I being awful for adding to that by telling him he’s not doing and being enough? He says “I love you” all the time, and is very physically affectionate but I keep telling him I need action not words. All I want is to know and feel that DS and I are his first priority, but it’s something I’ve never felt. Today has been awful, I’ve told him I cannot do this anymore, p his response is that he does prioritise us and I’m asking too much. Is he right? Should I accept he does what he can give the circumstances and this should be enough? Or is it time to call it quits?

Thank you x

Walk, he brings nothing to this relationship

from reading this , it seems like the marriage is a bit of a lost cause. And what’s worse is you may also lose your home in a divorce. It’s a Marital asset and he will most likely be entitled to a share of that :( so sorry OP.

The unlike you comment is as a crule as something h said to me. I divorced him. It's so much better to be his ex wife. This will not change with your sperm donor.

Distance yourself.
Go quiet, when you're still fighting you still care.
When he realises you're not fighting anymore maybe he will sit up and take notice, if it's not too late.

Farmers? Trying to distance him from the farm is a fools errand. The surest way to salvage your marriage is to get more involved in the business.

This isn't normal op, they all sound overly codependant on each other and it's not healthy. At best it sounds like your dh is maybe parroting things he's heard his family say about you, at worst it sounds like he's gaslighting you so he doesn't need to change. His comments about your family are just hurtful and unnecessary.

I think you need to consider whether you can go it alone. It sounds like you are pretty much self funded anyway and receiving very little practical help with ds so if you were able to secure babysitting would you be able to manage if you split?

I'd get your ducks in a row and then I'd sit down with your dh and tell him expressly that his lack of boundaries with his family are making you miserable. His inability to follow through on commitments to you is making you miserable and you cannot keep going the way you are. I'd tell him that you want to start going to marriage counselling to see if that setting would help you both really hear each others perspective and maybe find a better compromise that works for you both. If he's not willing to do that and isn't willing to make changes then you will leave him.

I can understand why helping his parents who are older with a family business could be intense and realistically he's probably looking at it as protecting his inheritance as well, but he needs to find a balance with that and there needs to be some willingness to meet you halfway. Even simple things like having your back re ds and mil would probably mean you could work a balance where 2 days of the week you go to them for lunch and 2 days of the week he comes home for lunch and days out are protected time when he cannot be available unless its a hospital level crisis (just for an example). It sounds like his parents are emotionally manipulating him and he's in turn passing the buck on to you which is not a healthy set up and you're absolutely right that you don't need to take that from him.

And absolutely seek legal advice about the house. If you are providing all care for your child you should be entitled to 65% equity plus possibily more if you can provide evidence of a deposit or significant payments made prior to him moving in. Since you're married it's very likely he will be entitled to something.

Sounds like you’re a single parent already.

Firstly, if you owned your home prior to him moving in it’s not a matrimonial asset.

Secondly, I can sense your pain in the fact that he didn’t turn up until 3pm the day after you gave birth. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I had a c-section in the afternoon and my husband stayed with me until night time. He then went home to sleep and when I texted him at 8am asking what time he was coming back he said he was already in the hospital cafe getting me a bacon roll and would be up to the ward shortly. I can’t understand your husband’s actions and I think it tells you all you need to know about his priorities.

If he lives with you, doesn’t support you, doesn’t spend time with you, barely financially contributes… then honestly what is the point of being married to him or having him in your home?

The fact that he throws your past family trauma at you is enough to be leaving. What he did around the birth and on from that is the neon sign. I’m really sorry and you and your baby deserve much better

Another assuming farmers, I'm just surprised you ever expected different.

Thank you everyone for the really kind replies, I appreciate the honest advice and opinions.
To answer a few questions-

Yes he’s a farmer- I was a bit worried about outing myself but I guess I did a bad job!

I’m not overly concerned about him making any claim to our home if we separate- he has a lot of agricultural land he would sell his soul to keep so it would be a case of he leaves the house alone, I leave the land alone.

Thank you for the comment about keeping my Son away from this dynamic- this is actually a big concern for me- I don’t want my son to grow up thinking this family dynamic is normal. If he ever gets married I want him to instinctively put his spouse and children before anyone, so this is not a good example for him currently.

I have put ds to bed after his bath, and stayed upstairs with him. I told DH earlier to collect a few things he needs for a few days and stay with his parents so we can cool off (and also hopefully but probably naively give him some motivation to take me seriously) but I can still hear him downstairs so I guess he’s going to stay in the spare room. I’ll try and have a serious sit down conversation with him tomorrow as a last resort, but in all honesty I kind of know deep down he cant change even if he wants to, and these replies, especially those who have experience of farming families have just confirmed this for me. I’m heartbroken for my son, he’s not even a year old and his parents can’t make it work.

Thank you everyone again x

I couldn’t read past the part when he left you for hours in the hospital after you’d had a c section. What a nasty, selfish piece of work. He’s awful and you’re worth so much more.

It sounds like he is from a farming background. YANBU but I don't think you understand his way of life. With proper communication it could be salvageable but you will need to meet in the middle. I went out with a farmer once, always came second so it didn't last....

Please call it quits whilst you have your sanity

They all sound like a bunch of weirdos. You're best off out of it. Let them live their strange lives.

Do you have friends and other support?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP.

I think, if nothing comes of your talk with him tomorrow, it might be time to pack a bag for him and send him back to his parents. If the arrival of a baby didn't prompt him to put his own family first, I doubt anything will.

Sending you best wishes.

I’m so sorry @Helpinghand1234

Your priority is your son and I think getting him away from the toxicity of this family dynamic is the best thing you can do for him, as sad as that may be.

They will always see you as an outsider and then, as your DS gets older, they will push you even further out as they bring him closer in.

I would seriously consider relocating one day to avoid this.

Of course, not all farming families are like this and there are non-farming families which are just as bad if not worse. But it is a way of life and in some families the traditions, dynamics, etc run very deep and they can be very resistant to change.

Not sure what led you to marrying him in the first place…

Send him back to his parents’- they can keep him.

Much better to be a single mother and find someone decent who can support you as a loving partner.

Guessed straight away he was a farmer!! They will never change

This is crazy, he works 10-12 hrs a day 7 days a week but doesn't earn enough to contribute to bills. What a dud.

He works 12 hours a day 7 days a week and doesn’t provide for his child? A marriage especially with kids should be a partnership, he is far more interested in pleasing his parents than prioritising his wife and child. I honestly don’t see how this can be fixed, it sounds like you have repeatedly expressed how you feel and it’s falling on deaf ears. It’s not going to change and you sound miserable (rightly so too).

So sorry for you OP. I think the longer you stay with him the more you will come to despise him. Better to put an end to it. He is not there for you and your son financially or emotionally. He is too entangled with his family. Don't feel sorry for your son, he has a loving, doting mother and a father who will live nearby. Make sure he contributes financially to DS. Even if you don't need it you can always put it aside for DS because you never know what his needs might be. Don't look at this as a mistake. You've got a lovely baby boy from this❤️

Get some legal advice I'm hoping with such a short marriage and that you owned the home he might not be entitled to it.

My Inlaws are a farming family it's like they are a generation behind and very rigid in old ways. Even had the same thing happen with Mil that you mentioned taking your baby hostage for hours. Its torcherous.

You will be better off without them all, clearly you're a wonderful mum and can do it all by yourself already!

Thank you for this. I’ve never been particularly good at anything but I have been doing everything alone for ds, and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt like I knew what I was meant to do, and I think (and hope) I’m doing an ok job of raising him. I’m confident I could do it alone, to be honest it would be easier in some ways.

l’m extremely lucky work wise- I have 12 months maternity, and when I go back the plan was instead of working 9am-5pm I’m going to be working 8pm -12.30am which is going to be a bit of a paycut, but it means I can be home with ds in the day, and he would be in bed by the time DH got home. I don’t know what will happen now.

Look - I’m not trying to be harsh, but this was doomed from the start.

He’s never prioritised you and has an enmeshed family life. His family have never welcomed you and he chooses them over you.

Don’t waste anymore time.