Am I expecting too much? Is my marriage over?

[Helpinghand1234]

Bit of a long one so apologies but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I (40f) have been married to DH (40m) for just over a year (together 4) we have a ds (7 months)

When we met I owned my own home which is a 2-3 minute drive from where he still lived with his parents, and he, his parents, sister, her husband and 4 DC all lived in the same property compound where they all run their family business from. It’s not a particularly profitable business, it’s more an industry you go into for the love of it and it’s a way of life- all of their profits go into paying their bills and basically staying afloat.

When DH moved in, I knew the precarious state of his finances and commitment to the business and as it was my home initially I was understanding of the fact he couldn’t contribute to the bills (I have no mortgage so it’s just utilities)He does pay for the heating oil which is a big expense each year but I cover all of our living expenses and have bought everything for my ds.

When I found out I was pregnant it was a HUGE shock, and I did panic a bit as to how I would manage as I’d never been particularly maternal. (just fyi I love my son now more than life itself) DH told me not to worry, I’d have his support, he’d be home each day lunchtime to help out etc etc.

When DS was born, none of this support (in my opinion) materialised. The day after (an extremely traumatic) birth he didn’t show up to the hospital until 3pm. I was heartbroken, in pain from C-section and really needed him. He had woken up after a lie in (I Had been in labour 30 hrs so he hadn’t slept the previous night) and then had spent the morning at his parents house phoning round family/friends etc before having lunch together and then coming to the hospital. I’m still deeply hurt by this. I hoped he would be desperate to see us- to see and cuddle ds and to check up on and help me etc but we didn’t hear anything or see him until 3pm.

His family have always been civil but not particularly warm towards me. Since DS was born I’m treated (in my opinion) like a surrogate. If we’re at their house they will snatch him away before I’ve even had a chance to take my shoes off, pass him round like a parcel and refuse to give him back if he fusses. The first time mil visited us she held DS for 4 hours- I was trying to establish breast
feeding and was dying inside but because of the trauma of birth I couldn’t really advocate for myself (I’m much more vocal now) When I expressed to DH how upsetting it was to watch mil with DS for 4 hours when he was only 48 hours old he was annnoyed that I was critical of his mother. (This is the same response whenever I try to explain an issue I have with his family- people in the community joke that they’re like a gang you can never join.)

DH works 7 days a week, mostly 10-12 hour days, and when he does come home, one of his parents will phone to ask if he’s had dinner, or with some minor little detail about the business. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely frustrated by their constant influence over our lives. If I try and arrange a day out just the 3 of us there will either be a call from mil or fil about some (so called) emergency that means we have to come back early, or some comments about slacking off and not pulling his weight (to DH from fil) DH is affected by this and hates to disappoint them.

The summer is almost over and we have had no quality time as a family or as a couple. I have repeatedly told him this is a deal breaker for me and I need to feel like he prioritises us but nothing has changed. I have taken DS to lots of fun places, on my own. I have eaten lunch every day with just
me and DS, knowing full well that DH and his family are all eating lunch together a few minutes up the road. He chooses to be with them rather than us. I know I could go up there but I would receive a lukewarm welcome at best, and just have to watch mil ignore my boundaries with DS. For 3 days in a row DH has said he will come with me to collect a heavy piece of furniture, but always has to stay back at the business. Things came to a head today and I’ve hired a van on my own to collect as I’m sick of relying on him to be repeatedly let down because his parents decide there is something more important to do.

I could begin to understand his need to prioritise business if he was providing for DS and I, but the truth is all of his hard work goes to supporting his parents- they would not be able to continue without DH but it’s a tough pill to swallow to know you’re being overlooked for people who have no respect for you. DH thinks I have never liked his parents, but I genuinely tried in the beginning- I would always bring something with me when visiting, would ring mil before going to the supermarket etc but it’s all one way. After my C-section not a single one of the phoned to ask how I was or if I needed any shopping etc as I couldn’t drive.

I have repeatedly expressed my viewpoint, my needs and my expectations to DH, but his response is always along the lines of “the truth is you never liked mil and fil” “I’ve never been good enough for you” “what do you expect me to do, cut off all contact with them” or the one that really gets me “I’m sorry I still speak to my parents, unlike you” (for background I’m low contact with dm, no contact with df due to physical abuse in childhood- we were removed for a short time by social services but placed back with dp eventually, but my relationship with dp has been strained since then, and it hurts that DH throws this in my face)

At this point is my marriage salvageable? Am I asking too much from DH? AIBU? I know how much pressure he’s under from fil and mil so am I being awful for adding to that by telling him he’s not doing and being enough? He says “I love you” all the time, and is very physically affectionate but I keep telling him I need action not words. All I want is to know and feel that DS and I are his first priority, but it’s something I’ve never felt. Today has been awful, I’ve told him I cannot do this anymore, p his response is that he does prioritise us and I’m asking too much. Is he right? Should I accept he does what he can give the circumstances and this should be enough? Or is it time to call it quits?

Thank you x

The bit about him still being very physically affectionate struck me.

Using OP for cuddles and sex but going back to his family for everything else.

It's gross.

I'd bet he's after getting more kids ASAP to please his family. I say that because OP says she feels as if they treat her like a surrogate since the birth of a son. I don’t think she is imagining that. Not after he celebrated the birth with his family and left her in hospital to suffer alone.

The whole thing is messed up.

If you divorce and split, your dh will take your son to his parents, leave him with them and there will be nothing you can do about it.

Personally I would carry on, arrange outside childcare to ensure there won't be any maintenance. Ensure the house is yours, and you can make a will with a trusted friend as executor that everything is left to your son, even your pension. Then go back to work. get settled and organised. Dont have a joint açcount or give him access.

Tell your dh to sleep in the spare room going forward. Cultivate lots of local Friends and make sure you have a few nights out. Invite your dh. Go anyway. Does he have any married friends you can get on side and he will listen to? invite them for dinner. Be open but nice. Say you are struggling.

I had a mil like this and a dh like this. I really had a dh problem, but projected onto her. Took a divorce to see this.

Even before you married, your husband prioritised his parents and the family business over you. Now you have a child, and are married, nothing has changed. Sadly, for whatever reason, he can't or doesn't want to put you and his child as his main priority. I understand the family business is important to his parents, but he's helping them run a business that doesn't even allow him to financially support his wife and child! Does he enjoy his job? Or is he expected by his parents to help with the business because they want to 'keep it in the family' and he feels he has no choice? Who would want to work in a job 24/7 and not even have enough money to provide for his family?! That's just utterly crazy! What happens to the business when his parents become too old to run it or if one/both passes away?! Your husband is dominated by his parents, and they clearly resent you taking their son away from them. Unless your husband wakes up, and realises what he's in danger of losing, I can't see how your relationship can survive.

I knew he was a farmer before you even said. Your husband is a lost cause. He has been groomed by that life since he was a babe. He won't chose you. He wouldn't know how to. All you can do is save your own son. Raise him differently. Raise him to know that the family he creates takes priority over the family he was born into.

OP there are some really uninformed comments on here which come from a place of not understanding the dynamics of farming families.

Your partner loves you and tells you often so there is something worth saving if, big if, you can see a future in which you embrace the farm.

Personally, I think he is giving you as much as he can.

Would you conceive of moving into his old house and renting yours out? Proximity to him and family lunches could help thaw relationships and enable him to give you more of the practical support you need.

In terms of practicalities if you do split, do you know how the land is owned? It may be held in a trust or limited company which ringfences it from the marriage and protects it from any financial settlement. The ownership structure will determine whether it’s a good bargaining chip for keeping your house in full.

@Helpinghand1234 even if he left his family business for you, there is nothing he would be able to do to support a family. untrained for anything apart from driving a tractor! does his sister and family all live at the farm too? what does the sis do work wise on the farm? If you were to divorce him, out of spite I would push for child maintenance!!

You need to RTFT.

I’m so sorry you are in this position with a young baby. The best advice I had when my relationship with my children’s father was in a mess was to slow down and not try and jump ahead (I was ready to call the estate agent and put my house on the market, pack his bags etc). Your husband might change, but you can’t force him to - accepting he is who he is, how can you put energy into making your make life better for you and having a good relationship with him (even if you end up separating). Is there any benefit in counselling - it may not mean you stay together but it may feel good to know you tried everything.

Could you invest more time in building up your relationships with friends, acquaintances and even neighbours so you have a support network. Could you get a babysitter (not MIL!) and do something fun by yourself. Could you go on holiday with your son and a friend? Could you plan a return to work part time in the day, but with childcare that you pay for? In a way this is living a separate life but i’ve found i’m happier since i took my power back to do what works for me.

Oh dear I just knew this would be farming.

is there any way you can move away? Would this work with your job?

Otherwise he will take your son to his parents for childcare while he’s on the farm. Get out of dodge - far away if at all possible.

So sorry OP. He won’t change. So many farming families are completely screwed up

I’m not sure what you were expecting.

This is who he is and will not change. In fact he will never change.

You have changed to ensure the survival of you’re child.

I think the mistake you’ve made is expecting to change someone without evidence he has every changed before in his behaviour.

I wonder if there is a culture element involved in the dynamics with the family?

You have two babies.

Only one actually brings you joy.

I don't think the OP wants the job of "farmer's wife". She clearly had and has her own life if she owns her own home and pays all the living expenses herself (except for oil). Really he should have thought about this before he chose to get into a relationship with someone who didn't want to take on the job of running a house and raising children solo as happens in farming families.

They've only been married a year. That is a short marriage in law so it is very unlikely a judge will make her give him share of a house he has paid fuck all towards.

Thank you for this.

He does tell me he loves me several times a day, but I have repeatedly told him they are just words and he needs to actually show me but I agree he is giving me all he can, it just isn’t enough for me I don’t think.

I have tried to embrace the business and have tried to bring up with him the issue of me becoming More Involved with the farm-as a husband and wife I feel we should make decisions together, but his response is always non committal. He and his parents make all of the decisions, I honestly couldn’t tell you how much land they own, how many cattle, sheep etc. I do know he has some land in his name only (and I’ve seen the land registry documents) but I don’t know how the rest of the farm is owned.

Moving into his old home is not really an option- his parents still live there and it’s only two bedrooms and very cramped and I have to walk on eggshells when just visiting so living there would be the end of me in all honesty.

Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.

Why should she pay for the childcare?! She pays for everything else! He needs to step up as a father and husband. Personally l would call it quits as l don’t think he wants to change

I guess as you are still on maternity leave, you contact work and let them know you wish to remain working 9-5 due to a change of circumstances.
Then you find a nursery place for your baby.

See a solicitor, if your husband lived on the ' family ' farm there is nothing stopping him going for half your house and he will claim he has no assets as it is the ' family ' farm not his.
Once separated you then need to claim CMS from your husband - don't expect to actually get anything as he will claim he doesn't get a wage ? and the business is not doing well.

Once divorced, find a new house to make your home, sell your house and move.
New start, new memories and no bad memories, whilst making a new life for yourselves.
I doubt he will ask for 50/50 as he works so hard, i expect one day your child will be lucky to see daddy once a month.

I'm sorry but the only way I'd stay in this marriage is if he got a proper job with regular hours. If he wanted to negotiate with his parents to do 8 hours a day for at least minimum wage, I'd give that a go as my compromise. Unfortunately though I don't think there's even the smallest chance he'd agree to that. He is deeply and abnormally enmeshed with his birth family and I believe would choose them over you, as he has so many times. I think you need to prepare for life as a divorced single parent. Which won't look thst different practically. Do see a solicitor though about your house. Hopefully given such a short marriage his rights would be minimal.

Farming is not just a job like most others, where you clock off at 5 and go home, and switch employers every few years.

The farm is the life. It is your legacy and your history. What was that quote from Downton Abbey? "It is my third parent and my fourth child". Even though you get a pittance out of it. (And frankly it's a bloody good job that farming families are so tied to it, otherwise our food security would be even more fucked than it is now.)

You will not win this battle OP. He's a farmer. You have joined a farming family, you have not created your own. You knew this when you married and had a child with him.

Your options are leave, or lean into it, because he and his family will not change.

Your OP screamed agriculture to those that know. Family farms and their politics are a fucking nightmare. There's a reason that so many farmers sons marry farmers daughters - it's a very odd way of life and difficult for normal people to understand. A bit like the travelling community, they have their own ideas of acceptable behaviour and strong family ties with most of them being related to everyone else in the area by marriage if you look at a generation or two back.

They're also very old fashioned, stuck in their ways, and have a huge network of support from their neighbours, whose parents and grandparents knew each other too. Marrying into it is very difficult, it's almost like a cult. The farm always comes first, always has and always will. You can join in or leave, he won't leave it.

Written by a farmers daughter married to a farmers son.

I'm sorry OP. I recognise some of this as my DH is from a farming family too. He's always at his parents' house, always having to rush off to deal with some "emergency" for them. It causes rows even though I really like his family and they've been nothing but kind and welcoming towards me. If they were as rude as your ILs sound, I wouldn't be able to stand it. They sound horrible.

The bigger problem though is how your DH has treated you. Not being there for you at the hospital is just unforgivable, and the comment he made about your family was extremely low. You're not BU at all to expect better than that!

Leave him. He doesn't prioritise you or your son so what's the point. He's nasty to you because you (understandably) don't speak to your parents. He doesn't stand up for you or he would have told his mum to give DS back to you. You pay for everything. You do all the childcare. He goes running as soon as his parents call. What do you actually get from this relationship? He's never grown up and is still behaving like a child who does what his parents say.
I think you'd be happier on your own and you won't just be waiting around for him to let you (and your son) down again.

Sorry, but farming is a proper job, and a very valuable one. If it was a hobby the supermarket shelves would be bare.

Thanks God you didn't become farmers wife

I'm probably being unreasonable here.

You met your other half when you were both 36 and he lived and worked at home, where his sister and her husband also lived at home with their 4 DC. Basically, no one had yet left.
Then, you for pregnant and hurriedly got married.
Then you had the baby but SUDDENLY expected all family members (including DH and MIL) to behave differently to how they had behaved for the (at least) six decades.
I think you abu.

If your adult (almost 40 yo) new partner is living at home and working for parents, it's probably not going to change that quickly.

My parents are farmers. I get it. I left.
You chose to ignore the flags.
His job is keeping you afloat - and you picked it.

YANBU but you are naive in thinking that a 40 year old man who has lived with his parents and immediate family all his life will transition into a married man and switch into a 'normal' husband. The farming lifestyle is notoriously hard, demanding and often a way of life for close knit and insular families. They will not behave like a non farming family and the priority will always be the farm and supporting the parents.

Your call whether you can also adapt to how they live as I doubt they will change.

@Peasnbeans
keep OP afloat? did you miss the bit where he has no income and OP pays for everything?