Am I expecting too much? Is my marriage over?

[Helpinghand1234]

Bit of a long one so apologies but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I (40f) have been married to DH (40m) for just over a year (together 4) we have a ds (7 months)

When we met I owned my own home which is a 2-3 minute drive from where he still lived with his parents, and he, his parents, sister, her husband and 4 DC all lived in the same property compound where they all run their family business from. It’s not a particularly profitable business, it’s more an industry you go into for the love of it and it’s a way of life- all of their profits go into paying their bills and basically staying afloat.

When DH moved in, I knew the precarious state of his finances and commitment to the business and as it was my home initially I was understanding of the fact he couldn’t contribute to the bills (I have no mortgage so it’s just utilities)He does pay for the heating oil which is a big expense each year but I cover all of our living expenses and have bought everything for my ds.

When I found out I was pregnant it was a HUGE shock, and I did panic a bit as to how I would manage as I’d never been particularly maternal. (just fyi I love my son now more than life itself) DH told me not to worry, I’d have his support, he’d be home each day lunchtime to help out etc etc.

When DS was born, none of this support (in my opinion) materialised. The day after (an extremely traumatic) birth he didn’t show up to the hospital until 3pm. I was heartbroken, in pain from C-section and really needed him. He had woken up after a lie in (I Had been in labour 30 hrs so he hadn’t slept the previous night) and then had spent the morning at his parents house phoning round family/friends etc before having lunch together and then coming to the hospital. I’m still deeply hurt by this. I hoped he would be desperate to see us- to see and cuddle ds and to check up on and help me etc but we didn’t hear anything or see him until 3pm.

His family have always been civil but not particularly warm towards me. Since DS was born I’m treated (in my opinion) like a surrogate. If we’re at their house they will snatch him away before I’ve even had a chance to take my shoes off, pass him round like a parcel and refuse to give him back if he fusses. The first time mil visited us she held DS for 4 hours- I was trying to establish breast
feeding and was dying inside but because of the trauma of birth I couldn’t really advocate for myself (I’m much more vocal now) When I expressed to DH how upsetting it was to watch mil with DS for 4 hours when he was only 48 hours old he was annnoyed that I was critical of his mother. (This is the same response whenever I try to explain an issue I have with his family- people in the community joke that they’re like a gang you can never join.)

DH works 7 days a week, mostly 10-12 hour days, and when he does come home, one of his parents will phone to ask if he’s had dinner, or with some minor little detail about the business. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely frustrated by their constant influence over our lives. If I try and arrange a day out just the 3 of us there will either be a call from mil or fil about some (so called) emergency that means we have to come back early, or some comments about slacking off and not pulling his weight (to DH from fil) DH is affected by this and hates to disappoint them.

The summer is almost over and we have had no quality time as a family or as a couple. I have repeatedly told him this is a deal breaker for me and I need to feel like he prioritises us but nothing has changed. I have taken DS to lots of fun places, on my own. I have eaten lunch every day with just
me and DS, knowing full well that DH and his family are all eating lunch together a few minutes up the road. He chooses to be with them rather than us. I know I could go up there but I would receive a lukewarm welcome at best, and just have to watch mil ignore my boundaries with DS. For 3 days in a row DH has said he will come with me to collect a heavy piece of furniture, but always has to stay back at the business. Things came to a head today and I’ve hired a van on my own to collect as I’m sick of relying on him to be repeatedly let down because his parents decide there is something more important to do.

I could begin to understand his need to prioritise business if he was providing for DS and I, but the truth is all of his hard work goes to supporting his parents- they would not be able to continue without DH but it’s a tough pill to swallow to know you’re being overlooked for people who have no respect for you. DH thinks I have never liked his parents, but I genuinely tried in the beginning- I would always bring something with me when visiting, would ring mil before going to the supermarket etc but it’s all one way. After my C-section not a single one of the phoned to ask how I was or if I needed any shopping etc as I couldn’t drive.

I have repeatedly expressed my viewpoint, my needs and my expectations to DH, but his response is always along the lines of “the truth is you never liked mil and fil” “I’ve never been good enough for you” “what do you expect me to do, cut off all contact with them” or the one that really gets me “I’m sorry I still speak to my parents, unlike you” (for background I’m low contact with dm, no contact with df due to physical abuse in childhood- we were removed for a short time by social services but placed back with dp eventually, but my relationship with dp has been strained since then, and it hurts that DH throws this in my face)

At this point is my marriage salvageable? Am I asking too much from DH? AIBU? I know how much pressure he’s under from fil and mil so am I being awful for adding to that by telling him he’s not doing and being enough? He says “I love you” all the time, and is very physically affectionate but I keep telling him I need action not words. All I want is to know and feel that DS and I are his first priority, but it’s something I’ve never felt. Today has been awful, I’ve told him I cannot do this anymore, p his response is that he does prioritise us and I’m asking too much. Is he right? Should I accept he does what he can give the circumstances and this should be enough? Or is it time to call it quits?

Thank you x

What on Earth made you choose this man?
Put yourself and your kid first.
What kind of life is that, at 40???
Bloody hell!

In your shoes, I would look at a child minder or nursery for the mornings, and taking in a lodger, or even two if you have the space, to pay for it. (I used to have lodgers when DS was little - always female and mostly mature students. It worked well).

Do some maths and see if it can work.

I'm so sorry OP, it doesn't sound like your marriage is remotely tenable.

In my opinion, you need to reclaim your house and child, for yourself.

Who the hell works 10 to 12 hour days, for 7 days a week, and can't pay his share of the bills?? Unless they are doing something unbelievably altruistic, that's just frankly embarrassing for him.

His family sound awful, I'm sorry.

Sorry, I just saw that it's farming. I know how this can be. But that's still a deeply unsuccessful business model.

I promise your son will choose you, once you do your best for him and put up a firm front against your in laws tricks. Don't give them an inch with him.

I’m really surprised you say you’ve ‘never been particularly good at anything.’

At 40 you own your own home mortgage free. That’s a massive achievement.

You’ve been raising your son by yourself. Clearly you have inner strength and resilience.

Until you expressed doubts about yourself I was thinking you’re a driven, intelligent, confident woman who has done all the right things to get to this point. And actually, I do still think that. Maybe in the middle of all of this you should take a moment to admire how much you’ve actually accomplished. Even more so when you consider the poor foundation which your parents gave you.

Don’t entertain thoughts about staying with him. It would be different if the family were kind and loving and wanting to welcome you in. But they are not. And they want ds to be part of their family but not you. Leave, be happy and don’t doubt your abilities. Oh and move away!!

Protect your assets in future relationships and don’t introduce anyone new into your life too soon, and especially not into your son’s life.

It sounds like you would be much happier if you left him.
None of what you are saying is normal and hes trying to make you feel like it is, id leave now.

From what the OP has written, he wouldn’t notice much difference when he’s told that the marriage is over. It never really started.

It sounds like you are trying to have an adult relationship with someone who is emotionally stuck at the age of 13.

I love you's are fine but you are exactly right - it's what he does to support you that counts & he doesn't want to do that if it risks upsetting the family dynamic.

It might be wise to do the freedom programme online - just so that you have a deeper understanding of how a partner should treat you & can gain the skills needed to move forwards. He is emotionally & financially abusive.

Remember you are doing really well in such difficult circumstances.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It is often the way that small family businesses can't afford to pay their family workers/partners the minimum wage.
Many certainly don't have the funds to pay parental leave.
All their income goes in paying off the premises, taxes, non family employees, etc.

Did you not know of DH committment to the family business before you married?

You don't have to socialise with his family nor let them take your child for hours - refuse that. I would not get into an argument about his family. That is a no win situation however you should focus on how DH treats your relationship
.
A serious discussion needs to be had between you and DH.
Ask to visit his accountant together and ask relevant questions:

How much does DH make in take home pay that can contribute to your household expenses?
Does DH own any shares or buildings or lorries or machinery pertaining to the business? Is he buying into the business over time?
Are there long term plans to sell the business and each take their cut? Will his parents retire? How will that be funded?
You both deserve to know these things.
I'm surprised thart you ventured into marriage and a child without knowing these things.

Insist that DH takes one regular day off every week and puts away his work phone before dinner every night until 7 am.
Would he not find that reasonable?
Agree to a sustainable change in the time he spends with you and DC.

Give it a real go, work on new ways for a year or two and if it doen't improve you could consider separating or asking DH to leave the business and work at something different.

That's brilliant advice! I would say weigh your options the pros and cons what you can ignore and what you can't whats best for your child and you

How did he manage to date you if he’s working all them hours. Anyway you really need to carve out a life for yourself - make friends +++ also he’s not listening to your boundaries - you asked him for space - he stayed - hopefully he may begin to see how series you are and will make some satisfactory adjustments going forward.

I would take legal advice NOW just in case the time you were together prior to marriage and the duration of your marriage keeps you in the short marriage category. Asset distribution may be to your advantage if that's the case (by which I mean that you may get to keep your house).

I don't think this is going to get any better for you, sad to say.

I'm from an agricultural family though admittedly not quite a typical "farming family" due to it being a different set-up, but I'm close with many traditional farming families. Most of them are lovely families that you'd feel lucky to marry into. But there is a significant minority of bloody weirdos.

Each and every thing this man baby does is a reason to leave him. He doesn’t pay towards anything. He puts his parents first. He said an unbelievably cruel thing about how he at least speaks to his parents, after you endured physical abuse as a child. He lies to you. He makes false promises. He doesn’t earn any money. He allows his mother to treat you like shit and take a newborn away from a breastfeeding mother…

I’m sorry, OP. This one’s a dud. You will be fine.

No, farming is a 'proper' industry that is indeed valuable. In the OPs Hs case however supprting his family to farm it is not a 'proper' job given it does not serve the primary purpose of a job which is to provide money to pay his way and support his child. He is supporting his family to farm while exploiting the OP both practically and financially, and no matter how supportive one may be of farming in principle, that is poor behaviour and few reasonable peoples ideas of what constitutes having a 'proper' job.

Actually, that's a good idea. I'd go over there, sit down and have a seriously frank conversation.

Tbh in my life I've always done the direct approach - never rudely or without a bit of tact, but directly to the people involved and it's never failed me.

At the very worst the OP will realise this situation will never improve and can move onto divorce very quickly

YANBU at all.

Yes, I think your marriage is in real difficulty as long as his parents are alive, in spite of all his declarations of love. The farm comes first and you won’t be included until they become incapable - and in that case, you will be expected to become their carer. It’s no life to look forward to OP.

I really think you should take legal advice.
Don’t be fooled by his lack of ready cash. He isn’t working 24/7 for nothing. He owns land and stock. And they are probably a very asset-rich family.

I would also be very concerned about your DC ever being at the farm without you because it’s clear that your MIL thinks of your DC as her own and pays no heed to you as his mum. But also, maybe even more importantly, because a farm is a very very dangerous place for a small child to be, especially without you.

I’m really sorry you are in this impossible position OP.
If your DH was thinking normally and correctly he would put you first by organising a home for the three of you, on or close to the farm, independent of his parents.

It is his parents who won’t enable this as they are selfish and refuse to recognise your rightful place in the family. Somehow, probably because you aren’t a farmer’s daughter, you haven't passed their test. They refuse to release their son to you, keeping him busy with their business every hour of every day, without time off, dangling the carrot of his inheritance one day in the distant future.
They could easily hand over part of the farm business to your DH so that you and he could launch yourselves together independently, without their interference. But they aren’t ready to do that and probably never will.

Ask him how long you are supposed to wait. How long is he prepared to stay tied to them and THEIR business.
How long are you supposed to subsidise him and his parent’s business with your own hard-earned cash.
Tell him he has to include you in a farm business enterprise of his own, separate to his parents, if he wants the marriage to survive.
His response that you just don’t understand his parents is nonsense. It’s him you are married to not them and he is old enough to stand up for his own independence if he wants to keep his marriage.

I feel it’s his parents that you are up against.
And that it is them (and therefore your DH too) who won’t easily let your child go. He is the heir to their business. They want to swallow your little boy up on the farm so that one day, he too can work 24/7 and eventually take over from your DH.

Start the process of separating. You basically don't have a husband anyway - he's not made himself part of your life in any real sense. I'm closer to some of my friends than this FFS. You've told him it's a deal breaker, and he's not listened, so consult a lawyer. (Worth doing this as if he has no money you want to be sure you don't get fleeced). If he cares even the tiniest amount, it'll be a wake up call for him, but I can't imagine he does, since his own child appears to have been a minor event for him at best. I'm so sorry, OP, and so angry that he's married and had a child with you but made you such a marginal part of his life. You and your DS deserve better.

He sounds selfish and spoilt

It's definitely the family at fault. Why aren't they more welcoming? Is it because they think OP is on the take and may want a bit of the farm? Because if they were more welcoming and told their son to be more active with OP, things would be 95% better

Sorry Hun, As a marriage with equal respect, it hardly got off the ground. It certainly ain't flying high now.
Close it down and regroup. Appeal to friends, acquaintances even relatives for support.
Are there support organisations that focus on families in the farming community. I know there is one that specialises in Mental Health/Suicides.

I see he’s a farmer op. Been there (used to be married to one….)

he is basically already married, to the farm & family dynamics. Unless you are from a farming background yourself, which you don’t seem to be, it will be extremely difficult to navigate this.

unfortunately he is trapped in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - which have too strong a hold on him for his life with you to overcome. As pp said, he is already giving you all he can, but he cannot surmount the emotional ties in which he’s been immersed all his life.

I spent 18 years trying. Honestly, I think it’s a straight choice - accept it, or make a life for you and DS elsewhere. It’s hard for those outside the farming community to understand, but this is a cultural dynamic which is impossible to change.

and for yourself….Sorry to say but you are very unlikely to be accepted by his family if you are not for a farming background yourself. Tolerated yes, accepted no.

I would get some counselling for yourself to help you navigate this and reach your decision. In a way it’s good that this has come early in your son’s life - mine were teenagers before I realised that things would never change, and that was very difficult.

good luck x

As others have said I’m assuming farmer - please join Farm Wives UK on Facebook for support if he is! This is not how things should be but unfortunately still are for a lot of farming families. You need to sit him down and tell him you’re not happy and things need to change - I fully understand the need to be working when the weather is right or when animals need looking after BUT he should still be able to take time out for his family - all farming families I know of do do this, including our family!

The marriage is clearly over, yes. Unsalvageable unless you want to martyr yourself on the altar of “farming tradition”.

The quicker you extricate yourself the better. The asset at risk is your house and the question is whether that’s treated as a matrimonial asset. You may be correct that he
would rather keep the land than fight over the house but you can’t take this as read. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that this will be treated as a matrimonial asset.

Get the best lawyer you can as soon ac you can and get divorce proceedings started.