Am I expecting too much? Is my marriage over?

[Helpinghand1234]

Bit of a long one so apologies but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I (40f) have been married to DH (40m) for just over a year (together 4) we have a ds (7 months)

When we met I owned my own home which is a 2-3 minute drive from where he still lived with his parents, and he, his parents, sister, her husband and 4 DC all lived in the same property compound where they all run their family business from. It’s not a particularly profitable business, it’s more an industry you go into for the love of it and it’s a way of life- all of their profits go into paying their bills and basically staying afloat.

When DH moved in, I knew the precarious state of his finances and commitment to the business and as it was my home initially I was understanding of the fact he couldn’t contribute to the bills (I have no mortgage so it’s just utilities)He does pay for the heating oil which is a big expense each year but I cover all of our living expenses and have bought everything for my ds.

When I found out I was pregnant it was a HUGE shock, and I did panic a bit as to how I would manage as I’d never been particularly maternal. (just fyi I love my son now more than life itself) DH told me not to worry, I’d have his support, he’d be home each day lunchtime to help out etc etc.

When DS was born, none of this support (in my opinion) materialised. The day after (an extremely traumatic) birth he didn’t show up to the hospital until 3pm. I was heartbroken, in pain from C-section and really needed him. He had woken up after a lie in (I Had been in labour 30 hrs so he hadn’t slept the previous night) and then had spent the morning at his parents house phoning round family/friends etc before having lunch together and then coming to the hospital. I’m still deeply hurt by this. I hoped he would be desperate to see us- to see and cuddle ds and to check up on and help me etc but we didn’t hear anything or see him until 3pm.

His family have always been civil but not particularly warm towards me. Since DS was born I’m treated (in my opinion) like a surrogate. If we’re at their house they will snatch him away before I’ve even had a chance to take my shoes off, pass him round like a parcel and refuse to give him back if he fusses. The first time mil visited us she held DS for 4 hours- I was trying to establish breast
feeding and was dying inside but because of the trauma of birth I couldn’t really advocate for myself (I’m much more vocal now) When I expressed to DH how upsetting it was to watch mil with DS for 4 hours when he was only 48 hours old he was annnoyed that I was critical of his mother. (This is the same response whenever I try to explain an issue I have with his family- people in the community joke that they’re like a gang you can never join.)

DH works 7 days a week, mostly 10-12 hour days, and when he does come home, one of his parents will phone to ask if he’s had dinner, or with some minor little detail about the business. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely frustrated by their constant influence over our lives. If I try and arrange a day out just the 3 of us there will either be a call from mil or fil about some (so called) emergency that means we have to come back early, or some comments about slacking off and not pulling his weight (to DH from fil) DH is affected by this and hates to disappoint them.

The summer is almost over and we have had no quality time as a family or as a couple. I have repeatedly told him this is a deal breaker for me and I need to feel like he prioritises us but nothing has changed. I have taken DS to lots of fun places, on my own. I have eaten lunch every day with just
me and DS, knowing full well that DH and his family are all eating lunch together a few minutes up the road. He chooses to be with them rather than us. I know I could go up there but I would receive a lukewarm welcome at best, and just have to watch mil ignore my boundaries with DS. For 3 days in a row DH has said he will come with me to collect a heavy piece of furniture, but always has to stay back at the business. Things came to a head today and I’ve hired a van on my own to collect as I’m sick of relying on him to be repeatedly let down because his parents decide there is something more important to do.

I could begin to understand his need to prioritise business if he was providing for DS and I, but the truth is all of his hard work goes to supporting his parents- they would not be able to continue without DH but it’s a tough pill to swallow to know you’re being overlooked for people who have no respect for you. DH thinks I have never liked his parents, but I genuinely tried in the beginning- I would always bring something with me when visiting, would ring mil before going to the supermarket etc but it’s all one way. After my C-section not a single one of the phoned to ask how I was or if I needed any shopping etc as I couldn’t drive.

I have repeatedly expressed my viewpoint, my needs and my expectations to DH, but his response is always along the lines of “the truth is you never liked mil and fil” “I’ve never been good enough for you” “what do you expect me to do, cut off all contact with them” or the one that really gets me “I’m sorry I still speak to my parents, unlike you” (for background I’m low contact with dm, no contact with df due to physical abuse in childhood- we were removed for a short time by social services but placed back with dp eventually, but my relationship with dp has been strained since then, and it hurts that DH throws this in my face)

At this point is my marriage salvageable? Am I asking too much from DH? AIBU? I know how much pressure he’s under from fil and mil so am I being awful for adding to that by telling him he’s not doing and being enough? He says “I love you” all the time, and is very physically affectionate but I keep telling him I need action not words. All I want is to know and feel that DS and I are his first priority, but it’s something I’ve never felt. Today has been awful, I’ve told him I cannot do this anymore, p his response is that he does prioritise us and I’m asking too much. Is he right? Should I accept he does what he can give the circumstances and this should be enough? Or is it time to call it quits?

Thank you x

What’s changed between before you were pregnant and now? It seems as if he’s always been this way and the marriage was never going to survive, especially not with a child added into the mix.

Your DP doesn't even acknowledge there is an issue. It's not salvageable.

This is a big big fear of mine, being pushed out whilst they bring ds closer, they already make me feel like a nobody. I feel better someone else can see that could happen and I’m not completely bonkers.
It’s already happening ever so slowly and subtly. Mil purchased a high chair and told me it was for when my dh takes ds with him for lunch at grandma’s house (I guess I wasn’t invited!) I’m needing to set some real firm boundaries but DH says I’m taking mil’s comments the wrong way etc etc.

I knew this would be farming, it sounds so like my SILs husband it’s untrue - he still has his evening meal with his family every night while SIL sits at home alone. She’s always been treated as an outsider and it’s never gotten better, he just rocks up at about 9/10pm to go to bed. We visited and stayed at their house once and I was just shocked at the dynamic and how little they saw each other!

You are absolutely not expecting too much, that sounds horrible for you and he is missing out on seeing his son grow up, so sad. He is not a good father. His reaction to you (trying to) address is with him is painfully immature as well. Doesn't sound like he brings much to the family at all.

So farming family huh? In my experience the dynamics in these families are often very odd. You are not unreasonable at all- when you get married, the family you establish are supposed to be your priority, not the one you came from. His crack about your family is particularly mean.

There's a reason you met him he was still living at his parents he's intertwined with them both in business and dependency. I hope you have referenced your property op but I'd definitely be getting a divorce. He brings nothing to the table not even financially even with working 7 days a week.

You are absolutely not expecting too much OP. Reading that about your C-section made me so sad. I can't believe he didn't come and help you.

I think you know the answer, you need to leave him, he's not going to change. But you've done brilliantly raising your son this past year with so little support x

Ignore my previous message. I’ve just seen your update about his land ownership. Anyway, he sounds like a weak man and a bit of a dick. I hope you get away with your child.

Er - she owned it outright before she met him.

I’ve worked with so many farmers that the bit about him working 12 hour days, 7 days a week but not contributing financially wasn’t even remotely surprising. That’s farming for you.

See a family lawyer ASAP. Being married only a year and with you needing to provide a home for your child there's a good chance you can keep your house but the longer you stay married the greater his prospect of getting a half share.

You say you feel sad for your son @Helpinghand1234 but don’t - he has an amazingly capable mother! You can provide for him practically, emotionally and financially all by yourself.

But you also need to provide for yourself, particularly emotionally. That just won’t happen while you’re married to this man.

It’s great that he is unlikely to go after your house (and pension?). He’s also unlikely to give you any maintenance if he claims to have no income. So you need to think about level of contact time you’d be comfortable with. In practice it’s likely to be his mother minding your son, and I can understand why you wouldn’t like that, but if it allows you to work without paying childcare for 2-3 days a week it might be an option? Is there nursery nearby he could go to?

This relationship is absolutely unsatisfactory in every way. Cut your losses and end it.

You are not being unreasonable at all. He needs to break free from his parents and prioritise you and you son.

I'm not sure what you expected would happen. He was a man in his late 30's working with his parents and still living with them. He probably thought that you were ok with it. What you see is what you get.

I also guessed he was a farmer.

To be fair, I know a quite a few farming families in my local area where the husband/father shares a lot of family responsibilities with his wife - taking children to GP when wife is at work, doing shopping when wife is doing other stuff at home, etc. Things that my now elderly DF wouldn't have even thought about in his wildest dreams. But other farming families, including unfortunately the one you've married into OP, are not only living in a different era but are fucking weird!

I suspect the reason your DH was still single in his mid-late 30s was because other women saw the red flags and legged it. Given his age, and the family dynamic - I reckon you'd be better off ending it now and setting firm boundaries for yourself (and your child) as a single parent. I also think you're right about him not coming after your home - the merest hint of you reciprocating by coming after the farm would stop any thoughts of that.

This sounds awful OP. Your DH is completely in the wrong and it sounds like he is very much enmeshed with his dysfunctional family.

I recommend giving Susan Forward’s book Toxic In-laws a read. It might help you understand the dynamics better.

As PP said, I bet other women saw the flags and would not touch him with a 10 foot pole. Farming communities know A LOT about each other - when someone 'marries out' that is always a bit of a red flag. I worked with a lot of farming families and they are often spectacularly fucked up. Not all, I met some lovely lovely people. But there are some very strange, old fashioned or just odd ideas. I would be moving into a city if I were you.

Run for the hills....... get out of this marriage asap

This. It is a short marriage. He brings nothing to it. In fact he is costing you money.

and he was right with what he said in the op. He isnt good enough. Not as a husband or a father.

Most farmers earn very little from food production. It’s a systemic issue driven by consumer demand for cheap food and incessant price competition between the supermarkets. It doesn’t mean the farmer or the business is a dud.

There's no way I'd be allowing DS to go for lunch without you. Put your foot down right now. He's not behaving like a good father so he's not having the privileges.
The other thing that stood out for me is your H works 12 hour days and can't afford to contribute to the household. Sounds like his family are financially abusing him and they're taking you for a mug.

What did you expect when you married a boy of 39 who lived with mummy and daddy till 39? Seriously. I am just curious. OK, he is 5, but surely you are not?

@StormingNorman how on earth do they live?! This guy is fortunate he married a woman who is mortgage free and able to support him but what do other farmers do? I can't comprehend this business model.