Am I expecting too much? Is my marriage over?

[Helpinghand1234]

Bit of a long one so apologies but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I (40f) have been married to DH (40m) for just over a year (together 4) we have a ds (7 months)

When we met I owned my own home which is a 2-3 minute drive from where he still lived with his parents, and he, his parents, sister, her husband and 4 DC all lived in the same property compound where they all run their family business from. It’s not a particularly profitable business, it’s more an industry you go into for the love of it and it’s a way of life- all of their profits go into paying their bills and basically staying afloat.

When DH moved in, I knew the precarious state of his finances and commitment to the business and as it was my home initially I was understanding of the fact he couldn’t contribute to the bills (I have no mortgage so it’s just utilities)He does pay for the heating oil which is a big expense each year but I cover all of our living expenses and have bought everything for my ds.

When I found out I was pregnant it was a HUGE shock, and I did panic a bit as to how I would manage as I’d never been particularly maternal. (just fyi I love my son now more than life itself) DH told me not to worry, I’d have his support, he’d be home each day lunchtime to help out etc etc.

When DS was born, none of this support (in my opinion) materialised. The day after (an extremely traumatic) birth he didn’t show up to the hospital until 3pm. I was heartbroken, in pain from C-section and really needed him. He had woken up after a lie in (I Had been in labour 30 hrs so he hadn’t slept the previous night) and then had spent the morning at his parents house phoning round family/friends etc before having lunch together and then coming to the hospital. I’m still deeply hurt by this. I hoped he would be desperate to see us- to see and cuddle ds and to check up on and help me etc but we didn’t hear anything or see him until 3pm.

His family have always been civil but not particularly warm towards me. Since DS was born I’m treated (in my opinion) like a surrogate. If we’re at their house they will snatch him away before I’ve even had a chance to take my shoes off, pass him round like a parcel and refuse to give him back if he fusses. The first time mil visited us she held DS for 4 hours- I was trying to establish breast
feeding and was dying inside but because of the trauma of birth I couldn’t really advocate for myself (I’m much more vocal now) When I expressed to DH how upsetting it was to watch mil with DS for 4 hours when he was only 48 hours old he was annnoyed that I was critical of his mother. (This is the same response whenever I try to explain an issue I have with his family- people in the community joke that they’re like a gang you can never join.)

DH works 7 days a week, mostly 10-12 hour days, and when he does come home, one of his parents will phone to ask if he’s had dinner, or with some minor little detail about the business. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely frustrated by their constant influence over our lives. If I try and arrange a day out just the 3 of us there will either be a call from mil or fil about some (so called) emergency that means we have to come back early, or some comments about slacking off and not pulling his weight (to DH from fil) DH is affected by this and hates to disappoint them.

The summer is almost over and we have had no quality time as a family or as a couple. I have repeatedly told him this is a deal breaker for me and I need to feel like he prioritises us but nothing has changed. I have taken DS to lots of fun places, on my own. I have eaten lunch every day with just
me and DS, knowing full well that DH and his family are all eating lunch together a few minutes up the road. He chooses to be with them rather than us. I know I could go up there but I would receive a lukewarm welcome at best, and just have to watch mil ignore my boundaries with DS. For 3 days in a row DH has said he will come with me to collect a heavy piece of furniture, but always has to stay back at the business. Things came to a head today and I’ve hired a van on my own to collect as I’m sick of relying on him to be repeatedly let down because his parents decide there is something more important to do.

I could begin to understand his need to prioritise business if he was providing for DS and I, but the truth is all of his hard work goes to supporting his parents- they would not be able to continue without DH but it’s a tough pill to swallow to know you’re being overlooked for people who have no respect for you. DH thinks I have never liked his parents, but I genuinely tried in the beginning- I would always bring something with me when visiting, would ring mil before going to the supermarket etc but it’s all one way. After my C-section not a single one of the phoned to ask how I was or if I needed any shopping etc as I couldn’t drive.

I have repeatedly expressed my viewpoint, my needs and my expectations to DH, but his response is always along the lines of “the truth is you never liked mil and fil” “I’ve never been good enough for you” “what do you expect me to do, cut off all contact with them” or the one that really gets me “I’m sorry I still speak to my parents, unlike you” (for background I’m low contact with dm, no contact with df due to physical abuse in childhood- we were removed for a short time by social services but placed back with dp eventually, but my relationship with dp has been strained since then, and it hurts that DH throws this in my face)

At this point is my marriage salvageable? Am I asking too much from DH? AIBU? I know how much pressure he’s under from fil and mil so am I being awful for adding to that by telling him he’s not doing and being enough? He says “I love you” all the time, and is very physically affectionate but I keep telling him I need action not words. All I want is to know and feel that DS and I are his first priority, but it’s something I’ve never felt. Today has been awful, I’ve told him I cannot do this anymore, p his response is that he does prioritise us and I’m asking too much. Is he right? Should I accept he does what he can give the circumstances and this should be enough? Or is it time to call it quits?

Thank you x

Also, op, yes indeed many farmers don’t make much cash, but that is because many expenses are written off against the tax bill. And there’s a real culture of ‘been seen to be poor’ sorry to say.

my ex in laws used to have a heart attack if the farm looked like showing any kind of profit, and would immediately rush out to buy machinery etc so that it showed a reassuring loss again.

the mistake I made was to do what you are doing, and pay for everything domestically as I felt sorry for him, which really affected my financial future and with hindsight just allowed more money to flow back into the family business, which was very asset-wealthy, and perpetuated the family dynamic (ie didn’t stop his parents paying him a pittance in cash).

worth thinking about.

Knew it was farming before I got past the first paragraph.

Do you want to be a farmers wife? It's fucking shit even in a loving, committed relationship. Eventually his parents will die and you will become your MIL. She is probably miserable and controlling because she is miserable and controlled. Not just by her dh, but by the land, the seasons, extreme weather, the war in Ukraine affecting UK farming (fertiliser prices for instance), brexit implications, the environment agency and so on and so forth. It is such a precarious living, an obsession almost as no one does it for the money.

I'm not normally a LTB kind of poster. Lots of hysterics on MN about minor issues most of us just deal with quietly. But this is not just 'do I love DH enough to stay?', rather 'do I love DH enough to do this for the rest if my life?' because farmers never retire. I keep my horses on a farm. The farmer is in his mid 80s, still out on his tractor everyday, still dictating what his dc does with the farm despite handing it over 10 years ago.

And if you decide that you can't make it work, sell your house and buy somewhere new, a good 10 miles away. Not too far that a reasonable father can't visit but far enough away to stop him and his family dictating to your teenage ds what he does after school, weekends and holidays. Let ds chose a farming life if that's what he wants, don't burden him with the weight of their expectations. Because they absolutely will.

A friend of mine married a farmer, similar set up with 2 siblings running the family farm owned by the parents. My friends 2nd ds wanted to go to college then uni, doing engineering. Horrendous family fall out over it and he wasn't even the biological child, he was friends ds from a previous relationship.

As much as I joke I should have married a farmer for the land for the horses, I am very glad I didn't.

The high chair bit does make you think they will suck him in more and leave you out.
It will still happen with shared custody etc unless you move away? But at least you will be emotionally out of it.

He sounds worse than useless, fuck him off.

My ex husband came from a tight knit family business. Super disorganised, super insular and extremely against outsiders/new ideas. The business (again didn't generate a huge income) bound them together and was all consuming. I was treated like an outsider for the whole marriage (17 years) and it made me so sad and angry. They are unable to change OP. Please do what's best for you x

What made you stay for so long??

I wouldn't count on him not going for 50/50. There would be five adults living on the farm, including the OP's MIL, who would probably be able to order enough of her life around a child. I'd be very wary about going for a divorce in these circumstances unless I was fully prepared for a 50/50 custody outcome.

God, this sounds awful OP. I would rather be a single parent and know where I stood and live in peace.

I hope he has no claim your house.
On the basis of what you say, no - this is not salvageable. You’d be happier as a single parent. Get him out. He’s a drain on you and bad for your mental health.

I imagine that he was probably always the same. He hasn't changed. You've changed because you've had a baby. Your wants and needs are different. Unfortunately, I don't think he will change because he sees no issues in how things are or how they impact you and DC. This way of life is ingrained in him and he will prioritise it over all else.

I think your relationship is dead. Someone who can say "Im sorry I still speak to my parents, unlike you” is very spiteful and has a lot of contempt for you. Of course you should have a relationship with people who abused you.

I think you need to ask him to leave and file for divorce..I wonder if he doesn't have time for aDv now how he will find time to have contact.

What an absolute mess you've got yourself into. Why on earth did you marry him?

Time to call it quits on the relationship and try and extract yourself with minimal financial impact to yourself.

Haven’t RTFT but wanted to share my experience. DH was from a very similar family and working 16 hour days 7 days a week. Once our relationship got really serious and we were living together I raised the issue on how this would work longer term with having a family. The short answer was it wouldn’t, unless I gave up my well paying career, and his parents weren’t paying him enough out of the business for us to really live on. He ultimately made the choice to walk away, meaning his parents no longer speak to him. But we are much happier now and have DD, which I couldn’t have managed if he was still farming. But the thing was that it was DHs own choice to leave that lifestyle, I didn’t push him and he now says it’s the best thing he ever did. He realise how bad his quality of life was until he saw a different way of life as he’d never known any different. If your DS is already here and it hasn’t made DH rethink his priorities, I think you have to accept his farming will always come first and decide if you can live with that, or walk away. You can absolutely do this alone if that’s best for you and DS, because you pretty much already are

For those telling you to embrace the farming life, I get that it’s not that simple. DHs family didn’t understand why I wouldn’t give up my career for him to keep working for them, but they also didn’t want any of the ownership of the business or profits to pass away from them. And I understand they wanted to protect hard earned assets in the event of DH and I splitting, but this would have left me with no financial stability at all which I wasn’t willing to do. It’s just a total different way of life and thinking and it’s very hard to get into it without giving up everything outside of it

His behaviour when your DS was born was appalling and should have been a deal breaker then OP. What he said about your parents was spiteful but he is so enmeshed in the family he won't see it.

You are correct that you need actions, not words.

I would be very wary of having to give your DH money from the house (because he doesn't have any assets on paper) and 50/50 custody if you stay much longer. PP have useful advice about how to move forward with this from a farming perspective

You need to separate & he needs to go back to Mummy and Daddy

And you need to move away. Not too far, but far enough that 50/50 while baby is young is not possible and your DS won't be able to nip round to the farm under his own steam when he is older. Stop DH'S family from absorbing him into their strange setup.

I stayed so long because I'm a twat. When that bar scrapes its lowest, you finally realise. Living my best life now!

Some farms are profitable. It’s about time they handed over the reins to the next generation and allowed you to as a couple to explore ways of making the farm pay for your young family. Eg I know a dairy farm that rescued itself from the brink by diversifying into icecream making. They sell the icecream to a lot of local cafes, as well as from the farm gate in summer. Tyrell’s crisps were founded by a young farmer who inherited a failing potato farm. It can be done, but it sounds like your in laws like to maintain control. On the plus side, your little boy will get some amazing childhood experiences (whether your marriage works out or not). Farmers’ children are usually able to learn and gain real responsibilities early on. They get to be in the great outdoors, instead of stuck in a computer screen.

I'm twice divorced myself. Better late than never!

OP. You're so right to say that without actions, words are nothing.

Imo you should separate sooner than later. It will be better financially and emotionally for you and your baby.

Your marriage isn’t necessarily over, go easy on yourself. There are some fairly ignorant comments about farmers and farming families on here. I am a farmer though I did another career first. A few things I would say:

• yes I get what you’re saying about it being hard with a baby. My husband was not there the morning after either mine was born because he was milking. It sucked but if he hadnt we’d have had a 200 animal welfare crisis on our hands. The hardest thing was comparing myself to ‘normal’ mums who had partners there constantly for 2 weeks after the birth, but if you talk to other farmers wives (and self-employed trades to some extent) you will find it’s not uncommon and they are definitely not inherently uncaring people. Having more farming friends - which I didn’t have when they were babies - put it in context for me and as the children have grown up things have changed a lot but yes it was hard when they were babies.
• There is some great support out there for people in the farming community. I would be very surprised if your OH isn’t suffering burnout and stress working the hours he is in an unprofitable business, and you have the knock on effects. Call RABI or FarmStrong and/ or encourage him to and start getting support from people who are going to understand the farming context
• farming businesses shouldn’t be unprofitable or rely on unpaid family labour. It can’t be good for his self esteem either, or his goals for the future of the farm. Do they have a farm business advisor going over their accounts and helping them think about how to turn things around? Are they talking about succession? Or would it be a good idea for you to try and come up with a business plan together so he can apply tor a farm tenancy in his own right until the older generation are ready to stop (and get some physical distance from the family while you’re at it??)
• Can you try and meet some people in farming and develop your own interest in it? Farm vets often organise discussion groups and farm walks, ditto the NFU.

I really do sympathise as I had a very hard and bleak time when mine were babies but I’m glad we stuck it out. Farming can be relentless but it doesn’t always have to be like that - it sounds like you are in a hole at the moment but personally I would try not to give up just yet….unless you feel you really have to.

I don't think it's ' chilling" that mil bought baby a high chair. Seems very sensible to me. Would you rather baby balanced on knees?

Whay job do you do, and do you have any friends nearby? You sound lonely, buy being at home with a baby and feeling so isolated, perhaps go to a toddler group? And just chat to people.

What did you or do you want your marriage to look like, realistically? Go and see his mum, and say you are worried about things. Don't romantise farming. Say you can't afford to run the house alone, is there provision?

Also think NFU has some kind of farming relationship help? Or at least someone to talk irl.

Do you love him? Do you want to get into bed with every night? If yes, and he feels the same about you, then ask him to change one thing. If it's money, then both go and see his family and say you feel scared it's all on you. He can say he wants to support his new family.

They might need some help to think of a way- maybe lease a field or something.

You are married into a clse family so it's not what you are used to or can understand. There are good things about it!! You're allowed not to walk on egg shells:) just be yourself. Go and see mil every morning for a coffee. 30 mins. Chat. About her life. Be a friend not a dil who feels sidelined. Keep at it!

Me too :( :( this was horrendous to read

30 hour labour and a c section (where you can barely do a thing for yourself) and he doesn't "turn up" until 3pm??? Harvest/Lambing/Calving, yes they're important - but none of this is more important than the health of your child's mother :(

My DH would have been on the floor of the ward, or if that's not allowed would have been as near as possible, messaging and bringing things to the ward door

I'm not sure you even have a relationship to lose? He seems to be entirely enmeshed with his parents

i dated a farmer once, lived with him for two years. so i do know a bit what they can be like. but he wasn't as bad as this!!!

Yes, I would say it's absolutely right to get away from this horrible man. Run.

I almost voted yabu because of this:

'I have repeatedly told him this is a deal breaker for me ..."

You don't tell anyone about your boundaries, you enforce them. A dealbreaker is only a dealbreak if you actually walk away and for the sake of your child, I would.

Yep I know a farming family like this near me. All of the adult sons (4 of them) are married but they all eat dinner with their parents in the farmhouse every single evening, leaving their wives and kids at home.

They farm all the time (fair enough) but spend any spare time they have on game shoots and then in the pub. They drive round our village on quad bikes thinking they own the place and basically look down on anyone else because they own a bit of land 🙄(never mind the fact that the farmhouse is an actual shit hole and a dumping ground for old machinery and skips).

Always together, very cliquey and not nice people at all unless you are "one of them".

The sons get included once they reach about 11/12 years old and can be of assistance.

I'm friendly with one of the wives and she could have written your post word for word. I would get out now. This never gets better.

I'm halfway through your post, OP, and already thinking leave him

I'll go back to it.

Also this. 100%. The farming families near us are extremely wealthy but live in absolute shitholes full of disused machinery, old farming equipment and skips full of rubbish that never get emptied. Yes the farms are massive and they own a lot of land but most don't take pride in their homes and living quarters.

Generally the wives and kids live in another house but the men rarely spend any time with them and don't contribute financially. Everything goes into the farm and the family. It's an extremely dated, sexist and enmeshed way of life.

That will never happen in a million years. Men (and some women) born into farming families are in it for life.