Am I expecting too much? Is my marriage over?

[Helpinghand1234]

Bit of a long one so apologies but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I (40f) have been married to DH (40m) for just over a year (together 4) we have a ds (7 months)

When we met I owned my own home which is a 2-3 minute drive from where he still lived with his parents, and he, his parents, sister, her husband and 4 DC all lived in the same property compound where they all run their family business from. It’s not a particularly profitable business, it’s more an industry you go into for the love of it and it’s a way of life- all of their profits go into paying their bills and basically staying afloat.

When DH moved in, I knew the precarious state of his finances and commitment to the business and as it was my home initially I was understanding of the fact he couldn’t contribute to the bills (I have no mortgage so it’s just utilities)He does pay for the heating oil which is a big expense each year but I cover all of our living expenses and have bought everything for my ds.

When I found out I was pregnant it was a HUGE shock, and I did panic a bit as to how I would manage as I’d never been particularly maternal. (just fyi I love my son now more than life itself) DH told me not to worry, I’d have his support, he’d be home each day lunchtime to help out etc etc.

When DS was born, none of this support (in my opinion) materialised. The day after (an extremely traumatic) birth he didn’t show up to the hospital until 3pm. I was heartbroken, in pain from C-section and really needed him. He had woken up after a lie in (I Had been in labour 30 hrs so he hadn’t slept the previous night) and then had spent the morning at his parents house phoning round family/friends etc before having lunch together and then coming to the hospital. I’m still deeply hurt by this. I hoped he would be desperate to see us- to see and cuddle ds and to check up on and help me etc but we didn’t hear anything or see him until 3pm.

His family have always been civil but not particularly warm towards me. Since DS was born I’m treated (in my opinion) like a surrogate. If we’re at their house they will snatch him away before I’ve even had a chance to take my shoes off, pass him round like a parcel and refuse to give him back if he fusses. The first time mil visited us she held DS for 4 hours- I was trying to establish breast
feeding and was dying inside but because of the trauma of birth I couldn’t really advocate for myself (I’m much more vocal now) When I expressed to DH how upsetting it was to watch mil with DS for 4 hours when he was only 48 hours old he was annnoyed that I was critical of his mother. (This is the same response whenever I try to explain an issue I have with his family- people in the community joke that they’re like a gang you can never join.)

DH works 7 days a week, mostly 10-12 hour days, and when he does come home, one of his parents will phone to ask if he’s had dinner, or with some minor little detail about the business. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely frustrated by their constant influence over our lives. If I try and arrange a day out just the 3 of us there will either be a call from mil or fil about some (so called) emergency that means we have to come back early, or some comments about slacking off and not pulling his weight (to DH from fil) DH is affected by this and hates to disappoint them.

The summer is almost over and we have had no quality time as a family or as a couple. I have repeatedly told him this is a deal breaker for me and I need to feel like he prioritises us but nothing has changed. I have taken DS to lots of fun places, on my own. I have eaten lunch every day with just
me and DS, knowing full well that DH and his family are all eating lunch together a few minutes up the road. He chooses to be with them rather than us. I know I could go up there but I would receive a lukewarm welcome at best, and just have to watch mil ignore my boundaries with DS. For 3 days in a row DH has said he will come with me to collect a heavy piece of furniture, but always has to stay back at the business. Things came to a head today and I’ve hired a van on my own to collect as I’m sick of relying on him to be repeatedly let down because his parents decide there is something more important to do.

I could begin to understand his need to prioritise business if he was providing for DS and I, but the truth is all of his hard work goes to supporting his parents- they would not be able to continue without DH but it’s a tough pill to swallow to know you’re being overlooked for people who have no respect for you. DH thinks I have never liked his parents, but I genuinely tried in the beginning- I would always bring something with me when visiting, would ring mil before going to the supermarket etc but it’s all one way. After my C-section not a single one of the phoned to ask how I was or if I needed any shopping etc as I couldn’t drive.

I have repeatedly expressed my viewpoint, my needs and my expectations to DH, but his response is always along the lines of “the truth is you never liked mil and fil” “I’ve never been good enough for you” “what do you expect me to do, cut off all contact with them” or the one that really gets me “I’m sorry I still speak to my parents, unlike you” (for background I’m low contact with dm, no contact with df due to physical abuse in childhood- we were removed for a short time by social services but placed back with dp eventually, but my relationship with dp has been strained since then, and it hurts that DH throws this in my face)

At this point is my marriage salvageable? Am I asking too much from DH? AIBU? I know how much pressure he’s under from fil and mil so am I being awful for adding to that by telling him he’s not doing and being enough? He says “I love you” all the time, and is very physically affectionate but I keep telling him I need action not words. All I want is to know and feel that DS and I are his first priority, but it’s something I’ve never felt. Today has been awful, I’ve told him I cannot do this anymore, p his response is that he does prioritise us and I’m asking too much. Is he right? Should I accept he does what he can give the circumstances and this should be enough? Or is it time to call it quits?

Thank you x

You sound like my friend 20 years ago.

Are there any other farming siblings involved?
How old are the parents, and are they in good health?
Religious? That adds an extra layer

Ultimately my friend's marriage failed after she'd done the grunt work of single handly raising three kids. The settlement was distinctly poor, land was switching backwards and forwards, tax was avoided and she eventually just wanted out.
She was so lovely and romantic and hard working and so was he when they first met. The farm structure really broke them both.

Her in laws are still in good health, still very much in charge and her ex at 50, is pretty much a labourer. Occasionally he gets his own herd of cows but still has the rest of the farm to see to, so it's basically working two jobs.

I think your husband needs a 'career' plan for the short, medium & long term. Other farming jobs are available working for machinery companies, reps, inspection, etc get him out of the family farm but be careful he doesn't end up working evenings and weekends on top.

Aww, I got that he paid for the heating oil but it was a long post.
I was also eyebrows raised that it was the summer and he works long hours and she hadn't taken him and the baby on a day out.
HE'S A FARMER! Ime there are no days out.
Also, the 'we've eaten every lunch alone while he's just down the road eating lunch with his family's. Then turn up! Let MIL hold her grandson for a bit, and eat!
I think you are too dissimilar to your DH, unfortunately.
Takes a village to raise a child. And if that village includes a farm, know this:

1. The child will be SOOOO healthy from being outside and germified, it will have 100% school attendance
2. The child will know many relatives and understand what work ethic is. It will then choose to stay in farming, or leave.

This is about you, not your baby. You've not chosen a city Instagram life, I'm afraid. Family (often dependants) come after farm. If they didn't, we'd have no bread.

And the farm will have paid for the oil. It will be written off or red diesel or whatever so although it'll keep you warm it's not quite the same as paying down an equivalent in council tax.

YANBU. Though more up-front convos could prob have been had before you married about how your lives would be.

If you want to stay with him, there’s surely a compromise, such as him working fewer hours and/or spending more time with you and your DS. Some other farming families must have managed to set some boundaries.

The relationship with MIL sounds difficult. She seems to have little respect for you. She should be encouraging her son to be with you and your DS, not keeping him from you, with family lunches. If you want to stay together, he certainly needs to put his own family first and stand up to his mother. If he doesn’t see this, I wouldn’t hold out much hope.

I guess one blessing is this isn’t her first grandchild and, with 4 already living on the farm, your DS won’t perhaps be expected to be sucked into it as much as he’d otherwise be. However, if you do split, then (if your family are out of the picture) he may come to love the warm family atmosphere and exciting (from a kids’ perspective) things to do there and want to spend a lot of time there. So, I’d factor that into your decision-making.

Also, did you say you planned to work night shifts and care for a baby in the day? How would that work? When would you sleep?

wasnt it a red flag that a guy in his late 30s was still living with his parents? Or have I misunderstood the initial set up?

And as.for.days out, farmers & family's are certainly at the big rural county shows, it's often an inset day in the south west, the schools are empty. Steam fairs are another big draw.

But the summer hours can certainly be long and if you've got the full crops, cows and sheep that is punishing.

He would've been gone the minute he couldn't be bothered turning up after I'd given birth to his child.

I honestly couldn’t tell you how much land they own, how many cattle, sheep etc. I do know he has some land in his name only

If you lived in either a xlots of million pounds Surrey mansion or a tent on the beach, usually Mumsnet people would be saying this is not okay!
You are married - that's not a romantic notion, it's a legal and financial tie. I can't believe you are 40, married a year, have a FT job, and a child, and still have no idea what you are signed up to.
For all you know they owe against the farm, and now you. You need a basic list of what he owned when he came to the marriage, savings, pension (if) and property.
Then you need to think about siblings, dependence, passing on of the farm and inheritance tax. This is a big deal - although agricultural properties are different, it depends who lives in them ( the brother who also works for the farm?) Who owns the farm - is it a ltd company? Have you ever put your DH name into HMRC Companies House website?
I think you need to open your eyes and start seeing what you are responsible for, in the eyes of the law and to protect your child.
I'm not trying to scare you, but you need to KNOW this shit.
Phone NFU tomorrow and ask how you join as an independent, then ask how you can seek advice, when you know where you stand.
They often work with family farm splits.

He might be a great farmer but he’s a pretty duff father / husband. Lots of manipulative words, long hours, no money, an enmeshed family, and no practical support either - what exactly does he bring to the table??

I'd walk away now, while your son is still tiny and won't remember what it's like for you to be together with your husband.

I'm sort of curious how much the farm makes and what his role is compared to his sister and his brother in law.

If he is to inherit it all down the road in 10 years and run it and the reality is they are giving him no share of the revenue at the moment I guess things might change for the better.

It is odd to me though. My mum grew up on a farm and her younger brother was chosen to run the farm from an early age. When my uncle was married and they had their first child, my grandparents built a new house at the corner of their estate and gave the larger original family house to my uncle and aunt.

OP, you sound like a great mum. I like that you have the priority right (baby) and keeping the core family together. It doesn’t sound like your husband is on the same path. How you described your husband’s close-knit family and personality reminded me of the husband in a movie from 1997, ‘ The Perfect Mother’ starring Tyne Daly as the MIL.

It may be a case of having to sell up, or rent out your property and move somewhere else.

This is so complicated, I wish you the best.

Diversified incomes, farm subsidies which are being phased out since Brexit, off-farm income from the farmer’s wife, farmer taking on contract roles in addition to running the farm.

The average farm has a return on investment of just 0.5% and an average income of circa £36,000 from food.

This is why glamping sites, lambing weekends, solar panels and private dog walking fields are springing up all over the countryside. Those income stream prop up food.

Plus, the car/van can usually go down as business expenses and there’s unlikely to be rent or mortgage on a home on the farm.

Although for the seriously hard up, there’s always land to mortgage.

He’s used your unfortunate past against you when you’ve challenged his prioritising his childhood family over his new family, and has deprioritised you at every turn because he’s a child under the thumbs of his family. Sounds like you’d be better off without him. What does he bring in the way of joy or usefulness to your life?

I’d take it up with his parents yourself. Ask them if it’s reasonable that your husband doesn’t financially support his wife and child? Surely you need to find the ringleader of this situation, which doesn’t seem to be your DH.

I agree. So sorry he turned out to be really bad at being a father and husband, you just don’t know beforehand. Wishing you all the very best x

I would be moving into a city if I were you.

Me too.

The one post about your MIL buying a high-chair, she obviously automatically thinks your child will be "taken into the fold". Chilling.

That your husband is just ignoring you as his wife - and his child - and continuing the status quo within his birth family while ignoring you and your son is horrendous.

Reminds me of travelling in India many many moons ago meeting a lovely Irish guy who had basically run away as he was the oldest son who had the expectation of taking over the farm which he had no interest in.

Yes, farming is important as our food source, doesn't mean you have to be dragged kicking and screaming into the lifestyle if it's not your thing.

He hasn’t stepped up. At all. Even if he were right about you hating his parents it doesn’t make any difference because it’s still an untenable situation for you.

I would make enquiries about divorces ASAP. You currently have a short marriage, but you’re closing on the deadline of 5 years. (Your marriage is only a year but your’ve been together for 4 and in England and Wales, the length of your relationship before you married is factored in to the calculation of a short marriage when courts consider divorce settlements).

When looking at a short marriage the courts generally take the starting position of trying to make sure people leave the marriage with what they brought in. If you wait until you’re at the 5 year mark, the courts go with 50/50 as the starting point. Which would put your house at risk and your pension.

I honestly think you need to tell him that he is unable to be a family man and he needs to go home to the farm. You don’t want you child raised by someone who is unable to put you and his child first, so you are going to make the decision for him. You know he will be happier not having to divide his loyalties and one day you will have the emotional space to have room in your life for a man who will take you and your child fully into his heart and life.

HIS job is not keeping her afloat which is the whole point of the post. Did you bother reading it?

Why are you still with him?

OP how were things so different when you were dating? If he’d have worked 12 hrs a day, 7 days a week then, you’d have never built a relationship or you’d have known what to expect after marriage and not entertained it. What changed?

This thread is a shock to me, I had no idea about this little sub-culture of farmers!

I'm sorry op. He's working round the clock but can only afford oil. Imagine how much he makes per hr? His relationship with his parents isn't healthy. He should be able to say, "no I promised I'd do x for op?" Or, "op needs a break and I need to bond with my son, I'm going home for lunch." At the very least, he needs counselling, but the business needs to close or else the parents need to pay him properly. He can't continue to work for peanuts.

I think the poster who said to be careful about the claim on your house is correct. (Sorry not trying to stress you!) I worry he could transfer his land to a family member if he got really cynical, or it might not be worth very much?) I'm not in the UK so don't know how hard it would be to transfer the deed.

Wishing you the best, you sound very capable and a great mum.