Called a c*nt by fellow train passenger - AIBU

[Trainride123]

While getting off a commuter train with my two children, my toddler pressed the "doors closing" button when there was still a man and his bike behind me waiting to get off. The doors beeped but nothing happened (as the door won't close if people are still walking through), and as I walked out of the door I pressed the "doors open" button just to be 100% sure it didn't close. I also told my toddler not to do that again.

The man directly behind me got annoyed at my toddler and made some loud comments along the lines of "what seriously? You must be joking" etc.

When we were all out I turned around and apologised to him but also said that he's only a toddler and nothing actually happened to the door. The man totally ignored me, didn't even look at me. We all walked out of the barriers.

I was so annoyed about his comment and then that he ignored me, that when I came across him again 30 seconds later, I told him he'd been rude. He in turn called me a cnt and rode off on his bike. I shouted after him not to call me cnt and he shouted back "I didn't call you that, I called you a stuck up c*nt". At this point DH had come to the station to pick me up and heard him shout that at me, so DH shouted at him and went over. The man told him that he doesn't know what my problem is as I was behind him on the train and he's already apologised to me, asked my DH which car in the car park was his, then said to let's just leave things, then made fun of a facial condition I have and laughed, and rode off on his bike.

In hindsight I just shouldn't have confronted him should I. I know my toddler was in the wrong, but surely reacting in this way isn't right either.

You’re rather irresponsible for confronting a man when you had your young child with you. Did you feel the need to have the last word? Be mindful to not put your child in harms way just to get a point across to a stranger who you’ll probably never ever meet in your life again.

You're right you should have just 'left' it. Too many daft situations escalate because of daft things.

If you're prepared to stand your ground on your own two feet don't be daft enough to do it when you're also caring for dc; and also don't think using your DP/DH as your backup/protection is a good idea because it's a supremely stupid thing to do.

Unless you're some kind of kick-boxing/martial arts champion ready to protect everyone else present the most rational thing to do is nothing.

I find the best thing to do with c@nt’s, is to leave them be so they can keep their c@nt’ery to themselves.
I travel on commuter trains a lot, the stuff I see, this is the tip of the iceberg, I saw one bloke go mental last week full fisticuffs and everything because some poor dude sat at a table he was at and he was ‘saving it for his friend’. I kid you not. All of them middle age white men! People are mental. Leave them be and don’t get involved!!

You were annoying and you chose to escalate.

Noone cares that your child is a toddler.
The cyclist had no way to know that the door wouldn't really try to close.

You decided to apologise, ok. He decided to not interact further.
No big deal, until you made it so

Fair enough. Maybe it's the flip side to how I am which is mostly, I just can't be bothered. In the case of OP's train guy, I'd have totally ignored his little rant behind me and just kept walking because I couldn't be bothered to expend the energy on him.

I may or may not have said something in your shop situation. I wasn't there to read the situation.

I think the last time I said anything to anyone was either to some kids (old enough to know better) who were chasing ducks for a prolonged period. The ducks were clearly distressed with no parent in sight for those poorly taught kids.

Or maybe it was the woman in the park who I told needed to get control of her off leash dogs that she clearly had no control over.

Aargh accidentally posted before I finished!

DH also thought train man challenged him to punch him but wasn't sure if that's exactly what he meant.

So lesson learnt today is to ignore. I don't feel good tonight about how I responded. And I don't feel good about my face.

My children are fine and I think were too exhausted to take in what was happening.

I have been commuting for over 20 years. 10 years have been on this line. Today was the first time I travelled by train with children. I was really surprised by the kindness of many strangers. We have been on 2 trains and 4 tubes and on each one people have made space, offered us seats, smiled at the children, and occasionally complimented them. I don't believe most people ignore others and I dont think most people would react in the way that the man did. But I do need to grow a thicker skin and let comments like this just wash off.

I’d have told him to STFU the minute he started commenting in an annoyed fashion, tbh.
YANBU and he was a cunt.

I remember on a trip to Perth (AU), there was a group of vacationers from a different country who were being quite rude on the train.
Getting off, this one man behind us kept pushing and shoving from behind so he could hurry and disembark.
He shoved his way forward and I fell down the train steps and broke my arm.
He hurriedly stepped over me and stepped on my hand in the process.
He never looked back.
We let it go — because he appeared to be volatile and angry and ready to take on any challenger.
There are people in the world who haven’t a care for others — your bicycle man sounds like one.
I think you’re lucky you got away unscathed.
You just never know any more who’s going to suddenly strike out when they feel they’ve been assaulted or attacked, even verbally.

I saw some teenagers walking past my house the other day, one of them chucked an empty bottle on the ground.

I opened the window and told him, in no uncertain terms, to pick it up and put it in the BIN that he was literally two steps away from!
He looked very sheepish as he put it in the bin and his friends were laughing like drains 😂

I think I have anger issues 😂

I remember this. He shot at the car and it hit the little boy in his seat. It was a story that stuck in my head for ages after I heard it.

Sorry OP, I think you are the one in the wrong here, a quick apology for your toddlers cheekiness would have been enough. Why continue it, especially infront of your children.

Good for you. That's a pretty safe situation anyway. I don't know how old you are but I think it's harder to be nice with all the hormonal changes around menopause. Sometimes I have to consciously keep my mouth shut.

Maybe we should get together and we can go around sorting out the bad behaviour in the community. haha

@shieldmaiden7 you are right. I wasn't thinking rationally. I was annoyed that he'd gotten upset with us and then more annoyed when he blanked me like I was thin air. I should have left it when he ignored me.

Just remember that your children are watching and learning. If they see you being confrontational, they will be that way as children, teenagers and adults. Is that what you want?

For now, you just need to sit back and wait to see where your toddler is going to start with his shiny new word.

@tinklingchimes it's not what I want but I currently have the opposite problem as school and nursery settings have commented that they do not stand up for themselves. Marvel that's what's subconsciously playing on my mind too.

Haha! 😂 I’m 55 and am up for being a caped crusader 😂

I'm just a little younger. Sounds like we could have fun. Especially in 20 years when we can be elderly and carry canes. 😇

I'm sorry for the horrid man being vile and making fun of your facial condition. I have a neurological involuntary movement disorder that also causes me to have some facial symptoms, and it's not great /pretty embarrassing sometimes. That vile cyclist shouldn't have made you feel bad about your condition 😞

I agree with PP though that it wasn't wise to provoke him again. You really don't know what some people (*weirdos) might do or are capable of. 😳😨

I guess as the saying goes, "Live and let live"...😁

Op I regularly travel on crowded commuter trains with a primary school aged child. And whilst most people are pleasant or neutral to this there are a small minority who are quick to find the presence of a child annoying from sighs and tuts upwards at the very slightest of provocation.

Given my experience in your original scenario when toddler hits buttons and man moans I’d have said loudly to the child “no Archie you mustn’t press the buttons unless I say to”. And I would not have directly acknowledged the man. I certainly would not have said anything to him after the barrier, I would have ignored him.

It’s very tempting, and my natural reaction to want to confront rude aggressive people. But honestly that’s really more likely to lead to escalation than an apology. My older child will be on trains without us and I discuss with them how not engaging and de-escalation is nearly always the best route even if your pride wants to do something else. By all means fantasise in your head about his bike getting a puncture or whatever karma you think for, but the only way to win at this is not to play.

Sadly I find travelling to London with my DD who's in a large electric w/chair there are quite a few folks who think that toddlers/young kids and the disabled should NOT be taking up space on public transport especially around rush hour/s term times etc.. I get they just want to get to and from work and might be stressed but sometimes we can't avoid travelling into London at these times as we have hospital appointments etc to attend or the children actually live in the city. Thats one of the nastiest words but in hindsight maybe it would have been better not to have escalated the confrontation.

Sometimes it's better to leave well enough alone .. it's not right in front of your young children for him t hav done that and it speaks to his character - but sometimes getting the last word isn't always worth it.

This.

Honestly, speaking as a single mum you are, sorry to say, an idiot.

Many weirdo men around and you don't want yourself to be a target. You had your children with you!

Everyone comes across badly here

OP, your set up doesn’t sound safe. You’re holding the hands of 2 children, they are holding onto door closure buttons to steady themselves (!), you’re helping them both step off simultaneously, it’s the first time you’ve ever done this and the first time they’ve travelled on train. It sounds dangerous - an accident waiting to happen. it might have been better to take them off one at a time or travel at a quieter time or ask for assistance - regardless of how many times you’ve commuted on that line before without kids!

Train doors will open if a human is detected in the doorway. But what that means in practice on the trains I’ve been on, is that the train doors close as normal, squeezing the passenger in the doorway, then rebound open. They detect an obstruction by hitting the obstruction. That split second when the doors close on your body can actually hurt as the doors are heavy, even if no long term harm is done. Your attitude to that is quite blase.

Don’t assume that everyone will be safe from the doors closing because someone is in the doorway. If it was your toddler in the doorway/at risk of the doors temporarily hitting him, you might think twice about the potential danger that represented and your disregard. There’s risk for coats/bags etc to get stuck in the doors. Let alone the annoyance if someone missed their stop.

you were clouded in the moment by being defensive, and wanting to be “right”. In reality you should have just let it go. Your toddler shouldn’t be steadying himself on door closure buttons - it’s unsafe and that’s a learning moment for you. Do things differently next time. There’s no need to get involved in, or prolong an argument with randoms. If he’s willing to punch your husband over this, what do you think he could do to harm you/your children?

This would have ended well.

Honestly OP you seem to be getting a lot of stick for literally saying to someone that they were rude, and it's made you not feel good about your own actions so I'm sorry about that. I get why people are saying it's best not to respond and to just ignore, particularly because you had your children with you, but it was a very very mild response and really was just factual - he was rude, you told him he was rude. On the one hand I agree because angry men like this bike man sound pretty irrational and there's always the fear that they get violent, but on the other hand I'm pretty sick as a woman at being told All. The. Bloody. Time. to just be quiet and not speak up. And just generally have other people telling one how to behave / when it's ok to speak / how to react. You told him he was rude, he was, he frankly sounds unhinged. End of. Don't beat yourself up for your own part in this as what's done is done, and equally try not to dwell on the strange, rude and over the top reaction of a random stranger. As a friend of my DH's says to him when he's annoyed - "some people are just cunts" (and I don't mean you!!).

I'll add that having read your post off the back of reading a chilling post on here yesterday about how women and girls are no longer allowed to speak in public in Afghanistan, I'm just not really in the mood for people telling women what they should and shouldn't have said!

I do get it why they're saying that but we ALL have times where we think yeah I shouldn't have risen to the bait but you've already thought about that and decided that yourself, and that's up to you, I just don't think multiple posters need to repeatedly say you shouldn't have said anything.