Called a c*nt by fellow train passenger - AIBU

[Trainride123]

While getting off a commuter train with my two children, my toddler pressed the "doors closing" button when there was still a man and his bike behind me waiting to get off. The doors beeped but nothing happened (as the door won't close if people are still walking through), and as I walked out of the door I pressed the "doors open" button just to be 100% sure it didn't close. I also told my toddler not to do that again.

The man directly behind me got annoyed at my toddler and made some loud comments along the lines of "what seriously? You must be joking" etc.

When we were all out I turned around and apologised to him but also said that he's only a toddler and nothing actually happened to the door. The man totally ignored me, didn't even look at me. We all walked out of the barriers.

I was so annoyed about his comment and then that he ignored me, that when I came across him again 30 seconds later, I told him he'd been rude. He in turn called me a cnt and rode off on his bike. I shouted after him not to call me cnt and he shouted back "I didn't call you that, I called you a stuck up c*nt". At this point DH had come to the station to pick me up and heard him shout that at me, so DH shouted at him and went over. The man told him that he doesn't know what my problem is as I was behind him on the train and he's already apologised to me, asked my DH which car in the car park was his, then said to let's just leave things, then made fun of a facial condition I have and laughed, and rode off on his bike.

In hindsight I just shouldn't have confronted him should I. I know my toddler was in the wrong, but surely reacting in this way isn't right either.

And yet you're still here trying to convince us as well as yourself that it was all his fault, when you expected him to change his mind between the two encounters!
And I have to agree with others that you shouldn't have even apologised in the 1st place because you didn't actually mean it and then you escalated it with the just a toddler comment.

If you caught me on a stressful day I might have told you straight just don't speak to me at all, glared at you and walked away. Similar to him.
I definitely wouldn't have shouted the c word at you with the kids though.

Well she hadn't actually got anything to apologise for the first time. The child pressed a button and nothing happened, why would that need an apology? You'd need to be a seriously intolerant person to be annoyed about such a non event.

If you were my DW I would have knocked the cunt out. He didn’t need to speak to you like that. You had a toddler messing about. No big deal. Let’s hope he has some bad misfortune…… or at least a puncture.

And people, genuinely, why are some of you saying that it's ok and not rude that he ignored me the first time? Isn't ignoring someone who is talking to you totally rude?

Yeah, but you shrug, think 'whatever' and get on with your day.
No end to be a twat and bring the issue up again when the guy will have forgotten about it and got on with his day.

They are definitely low and accessible for a toddler in London. What are you on about?

Everyone knows that you can't close the doors with the button, so there's no way he would have been mad about that.

I could be wrong, but I'm imagining you doing some leisurely performance parenting to your toddler about the buttons instead of vacating the train and letting him get off with his cumbersome bike.

Then the whole thing just escalated. He was the definitely the biggest arsehole though and like PP have said, probably knows that his behaviour was ridiculous and aggressive.

😂

The OP is the one who apologised, so you should ask her why she did that when she obviously didn't mean it anyway...

@TheRussiansAreComing course you would. Not like there are CCTV cameras in a station car park and then you would be arrested and prosecuted for assault. I always banned my husband from sorting out very heated situations on the basis I didn't want him to be sitting in prison.

See how he switched when your DH arrived? That's cos he's a coward and can only pick on a toddler and their mum. What an absolute AH.

I'm glad you confronted his behaviour because your DH then stepped in.

I truly believe you reap what you sow, karma looks like someone bigger than him and its coming for him.

I hope your DCs were OK.

Maybe I’m being old fashioned here, but I wouldn’t ever call a woman a c#unt, particularly in public and especially in front of children..

Even if a random woman had a go at me…

Your apology should have been unqualified IMO - you probably should have said, sorry and left it at that. He would have accepted and that would have been that. I think your apology was a little bit irritating when you stated nothing happened to the doors and that your child was only a toddler. You should have just said sorry without the rest of it. I think that might have prevented him acknowledging your apology, and that perhaps he might have acknowledged it if you'd just said sorry.

Secondly, the fact that you accosted him 30 seconds later for being rude was really reckless - you need to look after your kids, not try and parent some random into being more polite, after he's been stressed and irritated by your child pressing the close button. He "only" called you names, but you never know what people will do. Why were you so confident that he wouldn't hit you?

But you never can tell who will. So best to avoid confrontation all round IMO.

He had a bicycle. Tells you all you need to know.

Relax, and chalk it up to experience.

Well yes, there are lots of men out there who wouldn’t think twice about being abusive to a woman..many examples of that on Mumsnet.

But lots of these types of men particularly aim their frustration at women, because they know realistically that they won’t get punched in the face.

If they did it to a bloke , they run a 50/50 chance of it ending violently. So they go for women..

He didn’t pick on anyone. He was an irritable, overreacting jerk but he repeatedly tried to move on and end the interaction.

They were mutually irritated with each other in the train so he went quiet and tried not to engage when she was trying to get him to respond to her half-apology, then walked away without saying anything.

She came up to him again and started back up, telling him she was rude. He reacted angrily and called her a name then got on his bike and started pedaling away. She screamed the word back at him.

Then DH gets involved and goes after him. The guy again tries to de-escalate.

The guy was arse, but he wasn’t the aggressor in any of this.

Seriously, why go back and continue the dispute? What did you think would happen?

A couple of lessons here.
The toddler must be kept away from the buttons, and it is essential to ensure their safe exit from the train with minimal inconvenience to others. Pressing the button presents a serious safety hazard. To yourself, your child and others.

The other passenger did not want to engage. It's best to leave the drama and not escalate by following a stranger to make a point. He had already decided to de-escalate by removing himself from the situation, but you didn't. You followed him and carried on, and then your husband joined in. All this because of your toddler.😂

Whilst I wouldn’t call someone a cunt or insult them, and he was absolutely wrong and disgusting to do that…I regularly get the train (often with heavy luggage) and I frequently become silently annoyed by others who seem to go out of their way to get in your way or disrupt the peace when you’re trying to relax or concentrate.

I am NOT saying you and your toddler did this or did anything intentionally, but I can understand someone with a bike having a short fuse and not being in the mood to deal with others.

He shouldn’t have muttered anything under his breath BUT you also shouldn’t have expected him to engage with you when apologised and you certainly shouldn’t have followed him out and confronted him.

Obviously he absolutely should not have responded in the way he did to you.

Ye you don't start trying having debates with aggressive strangers when you have children with you not worth the risk.

Also for all the “don’t swear in front of the children” he muttered it at you and you shout after him “DONT CALL ME A CUNT”

That is a seriously sensible explanation for him not paying any attention to OP wittering at him.

he's a cyclist, he'll only own a hi vis vest and a look of rage.

The man was rude and aggressive. But your child should not be touching door buttons.

Should he have said that - no.

However, you shouldn’t have gone after him again (at all and certainly not with children in tow) and THEN the DH gets involved as well. For what? Pressing buttons on doors.

What example do you think you’ve set here?

All of you sound very aggressive and need to calm down.