Called a c*nt by fellow train passenger - AIBU

[Trainride123]

While getting off a commuter train with my two children, my toddler pressed the "doors closing" button when there was still a man and his bike behind me waiting to get off. The doors beeped but nothing happened (as the door won't close if people are still walking through), and as I walked out of the door I pressed the "doors open" button just to be 100% sure it didn't close. I also told my toddler not to do that again.

The man directly behind me got annoyed at my toddler and made some loud comments along the lines of "what seriously? You must be joking" etc.

When we were all out I turned around and apologised to him but also said that he's only a toddler and nothing actually happened to the door. The man totally ignored me, didn't even look at me. We all walked out of the barriers.

I was so annoyed about his comment and then that he ignored me, that when I came across him again 30 seconds later, I told him he'd been rude. He in turn called me a cnt and rode off on his bike. I shouted after him not to call me cnt and he shouted back "I didn't call you that, I called you a stuck up c*nt". At this point DH had come to the station to pick me up and heard him shout that at me, so DH shouted at him and went over. The man told him that he doesn't know what my problem is as I was behind him on the train and he's already apologised to me, asked my DH which car in the car park was his, then said to let's just leave things, then made fun of a facial condition I have and laughed, and rode off on his bike.

In hindsight I just shouldn't have confronted him should I. I know my toddler was in the wrong, but surely reacting in this way isn't right either.

“The man totally ignored me, didn't even look at me. We all walked out of the barriers.”

And that’s where you should have left it and gone about your day. You apologised on behalf of your toddler that’s all that was needed. Instead you escalated it! You acknowledge you shouldn’t have confronted him and what your toddler did was wrong (they are a toddler so obviously still learning not everything can be touched) but he reacted to you. If toddler hadn’t of pressed buttons, if you hadn’t felt the need to tell him he was rude when you saw him again then the whole thing wouldn’t of even happened

When we were all out I turned around and apologised to him but also said that he's only a toddler and nothing actually happened to the door. The man totally ignored me, didn't even look at me. We all walked out of the barriers.

I was so annoyed about his comment and then that he ignored me, that when I came across him again 30 seconds later, I told him he'd been rude.

a) These sorts of “sorry not sorry” faux apologies are worse than saying nothing because they sound insincere or even passive-aggressive. Turning and saying “sorry about that” without racking on any excuse was the best course of action, even if your toddler didn’t know better and meant no harm. Same as if you accidentally bump into someone. The next best option was to simply not engage at all and pretend you hadn’t heard his grumbling.

b) He ignored you. That’s it. He wasn’t friendly or gracious ignoring your half apology, but he was not mean or aggressive. And yet you chose to re-engage in an abrasive way. What did you hope to gain? Maybe he would apologize to you for not adequately responding to your sort-of-apology? That’s not worth escalating a situation with a strange man, especially when you have a toddler with you.

He was an absolute arse to call you that word or make fun of your face. But it wasn’t worth engaging him to begin with and it certainly isn’t worth staying upset now.

This! 😆

I can understand why you felt the urge to go back, but it was an impulse you should have resisted. I always think of the woman who stuck two fingers up at a motorist who cut her up in America. He shot her toddler dead in his car seat. It’s never worth engaging with this sort of man as they are highly unlikely to back down.

I think you’re absolutely right to have called him out, otherwise he’ll think it’s alright to insult people. Also your DH should have twatted him after he’d been rude about you.

Some people have a short fuse. He probably hates his own behaviour.

It really wasn't worth it op and he could have become violent

Making fun of your facial condition and asking what car your DH has should have been the point to call the police. Asking about the car implies a threat to damage it at some point.

Regardless of whether or not either of you were reasonable beforehand.

He was rude but you shouldn't escalate when you have kids with you.

I think if you deliberately go over to tell a total stranger they are rude, you can't be entirely surprised if they call you a cunt. Rude people tend to be rude.

He was rude, yes. You were stupid to go over and aggravate someone you felt lacked the social graces. In future I wouldn't escalate situations, particularly if you have a child with you.

Too true

This.

FAR better to say nothing.

There are too many angry people about -both men and women- to ''escalate''.

By going after him, and calling him ''Rude'' he was obviously going to retaliate as he was clearly in a grump at a kid messing with the buttons on the train while he was trying to get a bike off {personally I think bikes need their OWN carriage so as not to get in people's way.}

The thing to think is "what do I stand to gain by what I am about to say?" Seriously: did you benefit from telling him he was rude? Was he going to change his behaviour because you did? If neither of you was going to get anything from it, there really wasn't much point in saying anything.

His 'crime' was being frustrated and saying 'seriously'. Then he forgot about it, ignored you and tried to move on with his day. You decided to be like a dog with a bone and follow him to give him an arrogant lesson in manners then are surprised when he reacts?

You were both knobs.

You made a half arsed apology which he ignored. You then chose to follow after him to call him rude. Did you really expect a good outcome from that? You sound like the type of person who goes all "mama bear" and thinks people should never get annoyed by, or say a bad word about, her child. You shouldn't have escalated. He shouldn't have called you a cunt or made fun of you.

Jeez this is just awful.

@Trainride123 The reason I'm much more careful now with calling people out on aggressive behaviours it that I too got beaten up by a random woman years ago {I'm a woman} in a public place.

• There are lots of people around with serious anger/mental health issues.

He was rude but you were antagonistic.Instead of letting it go you didn’t let it drop and then had to be rescued by your husband.

You behaved like that in front of your child.

Agree.

And toddlers shouldn't really vibe allowed to press buttons on trains.

At the initial point he felt annoyed and said a seriously and that was it

It really ramped up after that, you should have left it

I find it quite amusing that you’ve written ‘c*nt’ rather than write out the actual word, but earlier you shouted it across a train station in front of your children.

I wouldn’t have called you a cunt and I absolutely wouldn’t have made fun of your face, but I would have been unimpressed if you’d decided to confront me about being rude- not at the point of interaction but when we’d gone our separate ways.

As soon as you mentioned a bike I wasn't at all surprised. A lot of men who ride bikes are often angry.

There are times when people push our buttons and it happened to both of you. With hindsight we all think I wish I hadn't reacted like that, but we just have to get over it. The guy with the bike was probably just in a hurry and London commuters can easily get frustrated. I hate to say it, but he probably thought you were tourists who are oblivious to rush hour pressures which raised his heckles somewhat. I too have sometimes irritatedly thought why are you travelling during rush hour when you don't have to? However, I have not used bad language.

I was so annoyed about his comment and then that he ignored me, that when I came across him again 30 seconds later, I told him he'd been rude.

No.

Don't do that again. You don't know the crazies that frequent this shitty place, you had children with you and you were inviting another confrontation

Never confront anyone when you have children with you

Never heard of this story. That’s horrific 😵‍💫