Called a c*nt by fellow train passenger - AIBU

[Trainride123]

While getting off a commuter train with my two children, my toddler pressed the "doors closing" button when there was still a man and his bike behind me waiting to get off. The doors beeped but nothing happened (as the door won't close if people are still walking through), and as I walked out of the door I pressed the "doors open" button just to be 100% sure it didn't close. I also told my toddler not to do that again.

The man directly behind me got annoyed at my toddler and made some loud comments along the lines of "what seriously? You must be joking" etc.

When we were all out I turned around and apologised to him but also said that he's only a toddler and nothing actually happened to the door. The man totally ignored me, didn't even look at me. We all walked out of the barriers.

I was so annoyed about his comment and then that he ignored me, that when I came across him again 30 seconds later, I told him he'd been rude. He in turn called me a cnt and rode off on his bike. I shouted after him not to call me cnt and he shouted back "I didn't call you that, I called you a stuck up c*nt". At this point DH had come to the station to pick me up and heard him shout that at me, so DH shouted at him and went over. The man told him that he doesn't know what my problem is as I was behind him on the train and he's already apologised to me, asked my DH which car in the car park was his, then said to let's just leave things, then made fun of a facial condition I have and laughed, and rode off on his bike.

In hindsight I just shouldn't have confronted him should I. I know my toddler was in the wrong, but surely reacting in this way isn't right either.

Not a nice dude. Just ignore.

Alternatively you could pretend that you were on an Australian train. Cunt is often used as a term of endearment here.

What an awful man! Clearly you know that it would have been best not to comment further so take it as a lesson - unbelievable that anyone could act like him…

Your subject line is disingenuous.

It just happens this man was on the train.
It didn't occur on the train.

You picked a row with someone who you say made some comments about your toddler's behaviour.
But the comments bear no relation to what your child did.

You wanted to make your thread appear as if it occurred on the train and you were at risk.

The reality is your decided to pursue this man and make it into an argument.

Not sure you’ve considered the number of people who record anything they see on public transport, as well as CCTV.

If someone recorded this and you and DH were seen giving chase to this man and verbally confronting him, I’d be worried you don’t come off well.

The man was wrong but you handled it very badly. I'd have ignored him and just got on with moving forward. If it was appropriate to just politely say, "Sorry." That's all you should have said then continued moving. He probably got more annoyed when you starting trying to justify things with, "He's just a toddler." He is just a toddler but it negates your apology when you start to justify. You most definitely shouldn't have kept it going by approaching the man again.

Whenever you can, the best approach is always to de-escalate because you just don't know who you are dealing with and what they might be capable of/how they might respond. Even if you're in the right.

Most people would see a very young child dicking around in the manner you describe and ignore it. Toddlers do stuff like that.
Some might roll their eyes and/or tut. At worst one might say something along the "oi, hang on! I'm trying to get off" or "please could you make sure your child doesn't press that button" or similar. At worst one might curse under one's breath.

Either way, you should have been trying to stop your child dicking around and, if people complained, apologised for your child being a dick. I have to do this all the time because toddler DO behave like total dicks at times.

It's excessive in the extreme to call you cnt though.

I have an enormous potty mouth and use that word fairly frequently. I'd not dream of using it towards someone with very small kids who was trying their best to stop said very small children causing chaos.

Man on the bike, in this example, was understandably a little annoyed. I get it. To tut, to say 'hey!!!' and say 'ffs' under his breath is understandable. To call you a cnt is out of order.

But you made the situation worse by not taking responsibility for your child dicking around.

I don't understand why you justified your toddlers behaviour, you should have been watching them. I'd have just said sorry. You made yourself look like a dick. Especially then making further comments

You should have let it go. Toddlers can be annoying.

As a cyclist I apologise for him. Some people are just angry, whatever. I try not to engage with them. In my life for 2 secs, hopefully no encounter with them ever again

He didn’t tniugh.

he tutted (or said seriously or whatever)

the op escalated (which he ignored)

the OP escalated again (at which point he called her a cubt under his breath)

Supervise your child better OP, the man wasn’t unreasonable to be worried about the train doors closing on him, just because they didn’t doesn’t absolve you.
And then you go after him when his reply to your half arsed apology wasn’t what you wanted to fit your narrative. And then you get your husband to join in!
I wouldn’t have called you names but I’d have firmly told you both to f*ck off, that you’re ridiculous and you need to supervise your child better.

Ah I wouldn’t actually have kicked his bike.

But I certainly wouldn’t have tolerated him being nasty about my toddler.
I’m pretty sure my first reaction would have been to apologise but if I had got the slightest hint of any nastiness or animosity towards my child, he’d have heard from me.

I’m not afraid of men who think they can belittle women when they would never do it to another man.
Anyway, my toddler is now 17 and he’d have plenty to say without my help 😂

(I was in a shop yesterday and a customer was starting to get verbally and physically aggressive; punching the shelving etc. Shouting and swearing.
He was disputing an electricity payment which he said didn’t go through.
He was basically accusing the shopkeeper of theft.
He was probably very early 20’s.
I didn’t hesitate to tell him to stop his aggressive behaviour, it was beginning to border on racism.
He did actually stop.)

He could have also turned around and started punching you instead of the shelves. He could have pulled out a knife. You were lucky. You never know who you are dealing with.

Same. 😂

He sounds horrific how dare he. At the same time I can’t fathom why you went back and told him he was rude after the fact.

I’d have punched him right back and booted him in the bollocks. He was a stupid wee arse that was getting annoyed because his meter ate up his credit, a bit like an overdraft.
I told him he’d catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and to calm down.
He probably went crying to his mammy later 😂

Says who?

Maybe, but a single punch can kill you. I'm not saying I'm beyond saying things to people but I keep myself in check. I'd rather preserve my health for my family. People are unpredictable.

I used to take this kind of thing to heart, but honestly, don't give it another moment's thought. You'll probably never see him again and if you did you wouldn't recognise each other.

I’d take my chances.
I don’t back down; verbally or physically. Probably because I have to present a very controlled version of myself at work.

Re the man vs bear analogy that was doing the rounds a while ago; I’d take the man any day.
I don’t restrict my movements or where I go because of men.
I happily walk home through the park late at night, on my way home.

@InsolentNoise It's bad but kinda empowering isn't it.. I sit down after one of these instances half impressed with my badass self (I've always been a pushover who avoids confrontation) but half cringing and thinking WTF. 😂
I always manage to say the right words too and deliver them well. I love getting older haha.

I don't limit where I go and you'll often find me solo camping in quiet places. I would confront where necessary but de-escalation techniques have been an important part of my work, so I'll always try that first. No panic button outside the work place. Men don't bother me, most of them are fine. I just don't want to strike the one that's a problem (women either).

Same, haha 😂
I don’t really give too much of a fuck these days, tbh.
A while ago, an acquaintance of my son shouted something derogatory at me while my son was with me.
I jumped out of the car and asked him if he had something he wanted to say to me?
He nearly shat himself and his friends pissed themselves laughing at him 😂
He couldn’t get away from me quickly enough 🤣

I spend my days de-escalating 😂
So when I’m not at work, I’m ready to jump down someone’s throat 😂

There seems to be a few misunderstandings of what happened so I'm going to try again.

1. As we were getting out of the train, toddler pressed the door close button. It is at perfect eye level height to him. I was holding one hand trying to guide him out of the door (and holding other child with my other hand). My toddler may have grabbed it just as something to steady himself with. He wasn't messing around or being loud on the train (separately I have had 4 different people comment on the train today that they were well behaved, so I'm not just saying this).

1. Train man got loudly annoyed at us and his comments were directed at us. I can't remember the exact words that he said.

1. I therefore apologised to him and said he's a toddler. I accept I shouldn't have mentioned the toddler bit. This happened when we were both off the train and on the platform. Train man blanked me and walked off while I was talking.

1. After the barrier, when we had to squeeze past him and his bike, I told him he had been rude. I did not run after him or back to him or look for him. He was just stood in the way of where I had to go anyway.

1. He responded loudly that I'm a cunt, and at the same time rode off on his bike. He didn't mutter or say it under his breath etc as people are assuming (and DS asked me at this point what a cunt is, so no, he didn't learn it from me).

1. I shouted after him not to call me a cunt, and he stopped his bike and shouted back that he didn't call me a cunt, he'd called me a stuck up cunt. I shouldn't have called after him but at this point I was so angry at being called names that I wasn't thinking rationally anymore.

1. DH was coming to pick us up at the station and all he had heard was me being called a stuck up cunt, so shouted at him "hey!" I did not pull DH into a fight.

1. Train man rode over to DH and they talked while I was walking up to DH. By the time I caught up, all I caught was train man repeatedly asking DH which one was his car in the car park, then he said to just leave it, made fun of my face and laughed, then rode off. I did not say anything during any of this.

1. DH told me in the car that train man had said he was in front of me on the train and had apologised to me so wasn't sure what any of this was all about. DH also thinks train man challenged him h