Called a c*nt by fellow train passenger - AIBU

[Trainride123]

While getting off a commuter train with my two children, my toddler pressed the "doors closing" button when there was still a man and his bike behind me waiting to get off. The doors beeped but nothing happened (as the door won't close if people are still walking through), and as I walked out of the door I pressed the "doors open" button just to be 100% sure it didn't close. I also told my toddler not to do that again.

The man directly behind me got annoyed at my toddler and made some loud comments along the lines of "what seriously? You must be joking" etc.

When we were all out I turned around and apologised to him but also said that he's only a toddler and nothing actually happened to the door. The man totally ignored me, didn't even look at me. We all walked out of the barriers.

I was so annoyed about his comment and then that he ignored me, that when I came across him again 30 seconds later, I told him he'd been rude. He in turn called me a cnt and rode off on his bike. I shouted after him not to call me cnt and he shouted back "I didn't call you that, I called you a stuck up c*nt". At this point DH had come to the station to pick me up and heard him shout that at me, so DH shouted at him and went over. The man told him that he doesn't know what my problem is as I was behind him on the train and he's already apologised to me, asked my DH which car in the car park was his, then said to let's just leave things, then made fun of a facial condition I have and laughed, and rode off on his bike.

In hindsight I just shouldn't have confronted him should I. I know my toddler was in the wrong, but surely reacting in this way isn't right either.

Yeah I don't get it

You sound like you were goading him, you should have left it and said nothing

Just ignore it. Get on with your life.
What do you hope to gain by "calling him out" 🙄

I shouted after him not to call me cnt and he shouted back "I didn't call you that, I called you a stuck up c*nt".

Sorry, but that made me laugh.

But would suggest you don't go challenging randoms, even if they have been rude and objectionable. Too many variables for safety

I am absolutely sick of entitled parents who think their kids can do no wrong and if random strangers don't find them 109% cute and adorable all the time, even when they're playing up, they're horrible people.

Tolerance for kids just being kids, yes, absolutely. People who get annoyed at children for just existing are totally unreasonable. But so are the parents who think they don't need to apologise if their children's behaviour (or failure to keep an eye on them) causes others a problem and that others don't have a right to be annoyed if it does. To the point where they'll chase someone down a platform to make the point that their annoyance was unreasonable.

I don't think this is even about gender, I'm a woman and if someone behaved like that towards me just because I hadn't been all sweetness and light about their little darling potentially preventing me from getting off a train at my stop or the doors closing on my bike and damaging it, I'd absolutely have told them where to go. Yes, there was in this instance no harm done, but if you hear that beeping what goes through your mind is what could happen in the next 20 seconds.

Because he is going to clock the reg and do damage. Or do it there and then to provoke the DH, which he was trying to do.
The problem is that on public transport you step out of your circle. You aren't dealing with people who think like you. The Mother, stabbed at the Nottinghill carnival was trying to stop a fight, because in her head, a woman with a child could de-escalate the situation. Now she's in a coma, stabbed in frontof her 3 year old.
Shouting out a window at teens in the area I used to live in, would get your windows put in that night.
I watched an attack on TV, an older woman was kicked unconscious and her son attacked. The Mother and son could have not got involved. They were both very 'posh'. In their world young men don't kick old women in the head, or stamp on heads. Unfortunately they encountered people from outside their world. Both have been left with headaches and other physical issues.

My DD's male friend (23) was shot dead because the man who did it, couldn't find who he was running after, suspected that my DD's friend had let him run through the back garden, was full of rage (over a £200 drug debt). So shot someone totally unconnected.

Always Ignore and walk away.

I would assume the angry intolerant man made her feel uncomfortable so she tried to politely placate him. Obviously trying to be polite to the intolerant is pointless and the OP now knows that.

The initial annoyance of the cyclist was not unjustified and should have served as a reminder to the OP to ensure her small children do not press train door buttons when not appropriate, as this can be dangerous to them and others (even if nothing bad happened in this situation).

You can't go round thinking you have a right to everyone being nice to you even when you/your kids do something that annoys or inconveniences others, or may put them or their property at risk. Had the doors closed on a person, they could be injured. If they closed on a bike, a bag or a wheelchair, it could have caused damage. Pretty sure the OP wouldn't have liked it if a train door had crushed her child's pushchair? And she probably wouldn't want to have to take her two small kids to the next stop and pay for another ticket to come back either? I'm guessing that she'd have found that unfair in the other passenger's position.

It's entirely selfish and self absorbed to think that parents are entitled to other people's unconditional indulgence of little Johnny/Jenny's curiosities at all times.

What about the people with their bikes on trains. They get in the way, frequently block aisles/exits and they aren't cute in the slightest. Maybe they should only be allowed on trains if they've booked a bike storage place (don't know if they are on all trains but if not maybe they shouldn't be allowed to bring them on the train) and given how much space they take up they should pay for a bike ticket.

Or maybe everyone could just be tolerant in a shared public space.

Did the OP expect anyone to be nice to her? It is possible to be neutral, no need to be nice just don't make nasty comments. It isn't difficult.

Men on bikes for you. Sorry to say many I know are arrogant so and sos.

What about the people with their bikes on trains. They get in the way, frequently block aisles/exits and they aren't cute in the slightest. Maybe they should only be allowed on trains if they've booked a bike storage place (don't know if they are on all trains but if not maybe they shouldn't be allowed to bring them on the train) and given how much space they take up they should pay for a bike ticket

It depends on the rules of the train operator. Where I live you have to book a bike space ahead on some services and they don't let you on with bikes if it's too busy.

The bike is a complete red herring here though, because it could have been another passenger caught in the doors, a wheelchair, a pushchair, suitcase...

Talk about red herrings! No one got caught in the door, you are just making things up.

She expected him to a) not express any frustration when he was probably thinking he might be prevented from getting off the train
And
b) apologise in response to her non apology.

Those are unrealistic expectations of others.

Nothing about being nice though. Changing your arguments as you go.

Yes he was out of line but I’ve no idea what possessed you, yes he was irritated, fair enough, and yes your kid did wrong, no worries, but to go after him to tell him he was rude was what kicked this off. Why didn’t you just go about your business?

I was just about to write what @CrazyGoatLady has written so articulately. There certainly was no need for the language he used, though can't account for the accuracy of his use of "stuck up". But to try to convince him that he was being unreasonable in not finding your child as cute and adorable as you do is just your unreasonableness. You inflamed the situation by pointing out his error. You should have just let it lie.

Glad I don't live in London! OP, you sound like someone who loves escalating things regardless of your children, bicycle man was aggressive and DH loves having a fight. Crazy lot you are.

Where has the OP said he should have found her children cute and adorable.

Another one making things up.

@Iwasafool I didn't.

According to PP I also live in London (I don't, where did I say that) and DH loves a fight (because he shouted "hey" at someone? Right...) and Londoners are a crazy lot (extreme generalisation?)

The embellishments on this thread have been... interesting.

You don't know many cyclists.

He was in the wrong, but he was never going to be pleasant.

Like an episode of Jackanory.

Just to give a positive story I was recently on a 2hr 30 min train ride with a 1 year old. He was fine for an hour and gradually got more and more disgruntedl. I was sitting in an aisle seat and the elderly man sitting next to me was being very nice. There was a woman sitting on the opposite side of the aisle and when the person next to her got off she offered to swap seats with me so I had more space. I thought that was so considerate. Well the wails got louder and eventually I decided to go into the vestibute by the exit/toilets and get him in his buggy and hopefully asleep. The same woman came and unfolded his buggy for me. I stood and rocked him and he did drop off.

Some men, probably late 40s early 50s, came out of the carriage to get off the train and they commented I'd done well to get him to sleep. I said I had to do something as I was worried I'd get lynched. They laughed and said to take no notice we've all been kids and one finished by saying I'd played a blinder. I was getting off as well and they lifted buggy plus baby off the train for me.

There are nice people out there.

The tragic death of Lee Pomeroy in 2019 should be a warning to all about violence on trains - the safest thing to do is walk away.

Lee Pomeroy was murdered by Darren Pencille in an altercation on a train, over the very minor matter of Pencille accusing Lee Pomeroy of blocking his way in the aisle. Less than five minutes later, Lee Pomeroy died in his teenaged son's arms, after his carotid artery was stabbed by Pencille.

Pencille was the aggressor, but if you view the CCTV footage (in link) you can see at one point Pencille (hooded) walks away, and Lee Pomeroy follows him into another carriage, continuing the ongoing argument. It was after this that Pencille stabbed Lee Pomeroy, and later tried (unsuccessfully) to claim self-defence as the victim had followed him.

Lee Pomeroy was physically a much bigger man than Pencille, tall and heavy, so possibly this made him feel immune to danger from him, but Pencille suffered from schizophrenia, had a history of violence and was carrying a knife. It's possible that if Lee Pomeroy had let Pencille walk away, he would still be alive today.

Never try to 'win the argument' when someone is aggressive on public transport.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-surrey-48771896

But if no one ever calls people out on rude behaviour, then what? Do we just accept it?

Better that than potentially getting a smack in the mouth, or worse a knife in your guts.

None of us know who the fucking nutters are, but there are plenty around.

What the OP expected was the equivalent of expecting niceness which is both unrealistic and unreasonable.

Nobody got caught in the door on that occasion, which I've acknowledged. I'm saying that the reason people might be annoyed by this is because they will automatically think of what could happen. If it's you that's in front of the doors when the button is pressed and they beep, you're going to think the door is about to close and you won't be able to get off the train. It isn't rocket science to understand why it would piss someone off and they don't owe you nice in response.