Called a c*nt by fellow train passenger - AIBU

[Trainride123]

While getting off a commuter train with my two children, my toddler pressed the "doors closing" button when there was still a man and his bike behind me waiting to get off. The doors beeped but nothing happened (as the door won't close if people are still walking through), and as I walked out of the door I pressed the "doors open" button just to be 100% sure it didn't close. I also told my toddler not to do that again.

The man directly behind me got annoyed at my toddler and made some loud comments along the lines of "what seriously? You must be joking" etc.

When we were all out I turned around and apologised to him but also said that he's only a toddler and nothing actually happened to the door. The man totally ignored me, didn't even look at me. We all walked out of the barriers.

I was so annoyed about his comment and then that he ignored me, that when I came across him again 30 seconds later, I told him he'd been rude. He in turn called me a cnt and rode off on his bike. I shouted after him not to call me cnt and he shouted back "I didn't call you that, I called you a stuck up c*nt". At this point DH had come to the station to pick me up and heard him shout that at me, so DH shouted at him and went over. The man told him that he doesn't know what my problem is as I was behind him on the train and he's already apologised to me, asked my DH which car in the car park was his, then said to let's just leave things, then made fun of a facial condition I have and laughed, and rode off on his bike.

In hindsight I just shouldn't have confronted him should I. I know my toddler was in the wrong, but surely reacting in this way isn't right either.

Was it the Slough/Reading train by any chance? My daughter and I encountered an incredibly rude man with a bicycle on there recently, complaining angrily and excessively because it was taking a few passengers a while to leave the train due to having lots of luggage - utterly irrational and unnecessarily aggressive.

I avoided confrontation because he wasn't directly criticising us (I don't think) but I was annoyed on behalf of those he was insulting.

Anyway OP, generally best to avoid confrontation, but these things happen. No harm done. I'm sorry he mocked your facial condition. That's exceptionally rude.

Also bikes aren’t meant to be on rush hot commuter trains…

Thank you for the gratuitous insult.
Am I entitled to be rude back to you? No, because I don’t know you or anything about you except you throw around generalisms.

But you were rude too OP. It's as simple as that.

It is NOT rude to be visibly annoyed at what you perceive as stupid, annoying or bad behaviour in public.

It IS rude to provoke people because you're annoyed they didn't accept your apology.

It IS also rude to use the term he did towards you and that was where he went wrong and took it too far.

You can't go round saying or doing whatever you want to people in public, and then try to put all the blame on them when they lash out after being provoked.

You need to have a good long hard look at your own behaviour, attitudes and values in my opinion.

Not everyone likes small children. They get irrationally annoyed about them, especially if they have also had a bad day. You don't need to defend your toddler to these people, just ignore it next time.

Very close to us but not that line!

Angry and excessive is an excellent description, combined with loud. In response to my toddler doing something that caused absolutely no delay since the door continued to stay open. And if he was in the right he wouldn't have told DH that he was actually in front of me and not behind me!

But people are right, I shouldn't have told him he was rude when I came across him the second time. Would people here have also not apologised? Seemed to have been pointless too.

Sounds like a silly situation which escalated for no reason tbh.

I can be fairly assertive with people like this and might have done worse than you, but I would have only done so immediately when he kicked off rather than bringing it up later, and not when I had a little kid with me.

(I also wouldn't be upset at the name calling personally - when someone gets to that point they just look stupid rather than scary to me)!

Edit to say: making fun of your condition was extremely rude of him though and I'm sorry you had to deal with that

Tl;dr: he's a twat - just forget it

Neither of you covered yourself in glory. He was an impatient, rude twat and you, I’m afraid to say, were a passive aggressive, escalating twat. I’d venture you were slightly more annoying in the situation due to the escalating - he did right to ignore you at the barrier.

But we’ve all been there. Life can be muggy sometimes.

You’re never going to see him again - just forget about it.

There’s a reason police officers are taught to de-escalate conflict situations —- and they’re the ones with weapons! Never worth putting yourself , and worse your children , in danger just to get the upper hand verbally.

So you multiple times picked at a fight and then got your DH to join in by going after the person in front of your child?

Wow parents of the year.

Your child did something irritating, a clearly already exasperated person probably after a long bad day exclaimed to themselves 'seriously?' at something not going their way and you REPEATEDLY set out after them to get your say in.

YOU and then your DH too put your child in danger. There have been multiple child stabbing recently and even before that there have been children killed when their parents have been involved in road rage incidents etc... you had no idea how this clearly already agitated and irritated man could react but you just couldn't let it lie (multiple times) for your own sense of pride so risked a rage incident with your child right there.

Proud moment, glad you posted it to the whole world to show how you act.

Yes the irony is that his bike caused delay and blockage during rush hour, my toddler just made a door beep. But everyone is just trying to go about their day and I wouldn't loudly complain about it, it's just part of living together in a community.

OP not sure what I am voting on here — there’s only one cnut in this story and it isn’t you. He sounds like a vile arsehole — sadly too many men like this around. you and your DH didn’t do anything wrong and glad he was there to admonish him too.

Would people here have also not apologised? Seemed to have been pointless too.

Again, your child did something that they shouldn't have. So yes, if that had been mine when they were little, I would have apologised. Even if I felt someone was overreacting a bit. Because that's a) modelling good manners to your kids and b) often de-escalates a situation. I'd have said a quick sorry and gone on my way. That's all that was needed.

Rude people who are intolerant of small inconveniences are part and parcel of life, unfortunately, and in our modern society where we are used to instant gratification people only seem to be getting more intolerant. Confronting a rude person in a high stress situation like a packed train/platform is rarely going to change someone's behaviour or reactions.

On my train line, if you press close, they'll beep and slide shut until they hit you, and then reopen. As is the case on other London commuter trains I've been on. So yes, I probably would have rolled my eyes or whatever at you too if that's what happened (I know you say they didn't shut and just beeped but are you sure?).

Anyway, regardless, you going and starting on him again later calling him rude was just totally unnecessary and absolutely asking for a fight. Why on earth would you do that?? Just let it go.

''Do we just accept it''....After I was beaten up for trying to stop someone ''being aggressively rude'' I'd say leave it EVERY TIME.

If you see someone in real trouble, call the police, but don't intervene unless you are sure you won't get hurt yourself.

Public transport is generally awful in the UK anyway.

The reason? The public.

Would people here have also not apologised? Seemed to have been pointless too.

I would have apologized. “I’m sorry about that” is a complete apology, the point of which is to acknowledge that you (or your child) misstepped. You don’t apologize in order to get them to apologize back to you or give any other response. No excuses for why you really shouldn’t be the one apologizing at all (hint hint stranger apologize to me). And if they don’t accept then you leave it alone.

If you were annoyed by a strange man on the subway and he gave a passive-aggressive apology that you chose to ignore because you thought it best not to engage, but then he proceeded to confront you further down the way for not talking with him, how would you feel?

What a prick. I hope he gets a flat tyre.

There is generally a melee at train doorways, people trying tp push on at the same time as people are getting off, and often there is a sizeable step down and a gap between train and platform.

Bikes on trains are a bloody pain.

Years ago they used to travel in the guard's van- but those are long gone. {Mum remembers bikes in guard's vans}

I was in a swimming pool today and the old ladies were getting in for their aqua aerobics.
A kid started screaming as we all had to get out for the class. He was not happy.

One old lady shouted ‘oh shut up’ whilst the others encouraged her and egged her on, agreeing the child was being outrageous. Lots of tuts and condemning looks at this poor mother trying to calm down a child (who did look like they were potentially ND).

People forget what it’s like to have kids, or they never had them and have no tolerance for them. They’re generally c*nts and I generally stay away from them! You did nothing wrong Op. They walk among us.

Well yes he was a knobhead.

But no, I'd never pursue someone to tell them they'd been rude, especially if I had children with me. All manner of weirdos have knives and shit on them these days.

I'd roll my eyes, move on, and tell my child that the man was rude but please don't press train buttons again, as it could be dangerous.

The man could just be a random grumpy cyclist having a shit day, but he could be a dangerous psycho. What's the point in confronting a rude person, you're not going to change them or make them a better person

But if no one ever calls people out on rude behaviour, then what? Do we just accept it?

You are not his parent or his teacher. It isn’t accepting it but knowing when you can’t make a difference.
You’ll be haunting train stations for the rest of your days if you try to teach everyone manners.

But your behaviour was rude too and he called you out on it. Him not acknowledging you wasn’t rude, it was perfectly acceptable and what many people would do. You were the one to escalate the situation, which was a stupid thing to do when you had 2 children with you. If his choice of insult was wrong, then it was wrong of you to return the insult. I don’t understand the bit about your DH in the car park because you said the cyclist was riding off when you shouted at him. Did his bike get a puncture?

You went looking for a fight. That was so stupid of you given you had your kids with you. I don't know what you expect by doing this?

You escalated this multiple times to be honest.

He did the word equivalent of a tut by saying seriously - with which you reacted actually with a passive aggressive dig - not an apology (saying “sorry but he’s a toddler isn’t an apology - it’s a dig). He didn’t rise to this so you tried to get a reaction out of him again at the barrier.
Then your husband got involved and started shouting at him as well.

id have told you to fucj off at the barrier as well to he honest, you had a bee in your bonnet that he was annoyed by your child.

Obviously he's in the wrong for calling you that but I have no idea why you carried on the exchange. How did you expect it to end? He's obviously a wanker so let it be, don't start fights in front of your toddler.