Called a c*nt by fellow train passenger - AIBU

[Trainride123]

While getting off a commuter train with my two children, my toddler pressed the "doors closing" button when there was still a man and his bike behind me waiting to get off. The doors beeped but nothing happened (as the door won't close if people are still walking through), and as I walked out of the door I pressed the "doors open" button just to be 100% sure it didn't close. I also told my toddler not to do that again.

The man directly behind me got annoyed at my toddler and made some loud comments along the lines of "what seriously? You must be joking" etc.

When we were all out I turned around and apologised to him but also said that he's only a toddler and nothing actually happened to the door. The man totally ignored me, didn't even look at me. We all walked out of the barriers.

I was so annoyed about his comment and then that he ignored me, that when I came across him again 30 seconds later, I told him he'd been rude. He in turn called me a cnt and rode off on his bike. I shouted after him not to call me cnt and he shouted back "I didn't call you that, I called you a stuck up c*nt". At this point DH had come to the station to pick me up and heard him shout that at me, so DH shouted at him and went over. The man told him that he doesn't know what my problem is as I was behind him on the train and he's already apologised to me, asked my DH which car in the car park was his, then said to let's just leave things, then made fun of a facial condition I have and laughed, and rode off on his bike.

In hindsight I just shouldn't have confronted him should I. I know my toddler was in the wrong, but surely reacting in this way isn't right either.

You don't always have to have the last word especially if you have small children with you.

He wasn't initially rude to you, he just ignored you. I'd have been irritated if someone closed the train doors in front of me and I thought I might end up at the next station and maybe have to pay to come back again. Saying "what, seriously?" is just expressing frustration at the situation and that's a human reaction - and your toddler shouldn't have pressed the button. Yes, accidents happen with kids, that's life - but if it inconveniences others, they might be annoyed and that's also life.

If you'd just opened the door and said "sorry about that" and gone on your way, instead of doing a "sorry but", making excuses and trying to force him to acknowledge you, it could have just been left at that really.

Both of you are unreasonable in this case.

He shouldn't have called you that in public, especially when you were with your children. He went too far.

BUT you and your family obviously annoyed him so much he decided it was best not to speak to you.

He walked away and you started it up again, which provoked him. That was a huge mistake.

You were both in the wrong and you could never change my opinion on this, based on what you have said here.

Thank you all for your comments. To clarify, he didn't "just" say seriously. There was a lot more but I can't remember everything he said. I also didn't walk back to him to tell him he was rude, I had to walk past him anyway when he was standing at the exit and I didn't say more than 4 words. My toddler was able to press the button because it was at his eye level height, it was an easy access door which wheelchair users can also use. DH didn't have to rescue me, the man was riding his bike away anyway as he shouted across the station car park that I'm a stuck up c, but stopped when DH shouted back at him. DH also said in the car that I should have said nothing and in hindsight he and you all are right. But if no one ever calls people out on rude behaviour, then what? Do we just accept it?

As much as he sounds like an arsehole, you behaved foolishly too. Instead of ignoring his huffing, you stopped him to say sorry-not-sorry, and when he ignored that you chose to engage with him again when you got the chance, to have a go at him.

You could have just told your toddler not to push the door close button, ignored the guy muttering, and not tried to be in the right at any cost.

Same goes for the OP given she was the one who escalated it.

I want to like cyclists as it’s good for the environment but all the ones I’ve met are all bloody cunts!

I agree. Sorry you had this experience, hope you’re all ok.

He moved things into first gear by grumbling on the train.

You moved things into second gear by confronting him 30 seconds later.

He moved things into third gear by calling you names and making fun of you.

Fortunately, no-one moved things into fourth gear by starting a fist fight.

You ask AIBU? I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable to call people out on rude or bad behaviour. And I think you made the point by apologising but also saying that no harm was done.

As for what happened next – I have doubts as to whether he was sufficiently rude to warrant confronting him, but whatever the case, it sounds like he approached that encounter along the lines, 'never start a fight but always finish one'.

So overall, it sounds to me like a situation where no-one was at their best. But hopefully you can learn from it. (And if it makes you feel better, I've been in a couple of encounters like this, and I felt bad afterwards - but they were also a useful lesson in not adding heat to certain situations.)

Aargh I can't edit my last post! I wanted to add, the door didn't close, just beeped, so no one inconvenienced. I guess I was also embarrassed because he'd made a loud show of his annoyance.

What were you wanting to achieve when you called him rude? What outcome were you expecting?

You escalated that situation and took a very stupid risk with a small child in tow.

But if no one ever calls people out on rude behaviour, then what? Do we just accept it?

He didn’t owe you a gracious acceptance of your non-apology, OP. It sounds like you thought he should have been apologizing to you instead and gave a passive aggressive non-apology, then you got upset when that didn’t work. Then you escalated.

You needed to accept him choosing not to engage with you. Instead you chose to insist on getting a reaction… and then you understandably didn’t like the reaction you got.

OP - the only cnt here is the cyclist and a what a top cnt he is too. I’d be raging 😡

Yes. You were annoyed at him for being annoyed. You escalated things. If you’d said to me ‘he’s only a toddler’ I’d have said that’s why you should have better control over him in a train station! Yes, he went on to behave appalling but only after you buttonholed him again.

Sorry, really think this was unwise - when you have children with you why would you re-approach someone who you felt was unpleasant and rude. Not everyone is charmed by small people discovering the world and although he could have quietly seethed rather than vocalising, YABU to think you were in the right for supposedly calling out the rudeness.

I don't know to be honest and that's a good question! I guess I wasn't thinking straight. He'd been loud and angry at the door beeping and I got flustered. I apologised and he didn't look at me, so I added to my apology "he's just a toddler" and while I was talking he just walked off, and at this point I was angry about how he had initially reacted and then how he ignored me when I apologised, that the next time I saw him I said "you were really rude".

But if no one ever calls people out on rude behaviour, then what? Do we just accept it?

He called you out on your rude behaviour, not looking after your child and potentially causing inconvenience. You got aggy with him. Does he just accept people not watching their children and smashing all the buttons they can find?

He thought you were rude, you thought he was rude, you both went at each other. You are two sides of the same coin.

So because he didn't engage with you the second time, you approached him the third time?
You should have let it go!
You were approaching him again for not getting a response and that's just unnecessary

In a perfect world it would be safe to call people out on their rudeness. But this isn't a perfect world. You didn't know this man. You didn't know what he was capable of. You or your children could have been hurt. It's always best to say nothing.

It's shit, but that's life. It's not worth the risk.

I still don't understand why you had to say anything. He didn't accept your non apology, so what? Why does it matter?
Obviously he shouldn't have called you a cunt or made fun of you but I do think if you'd just left it,, nothing would have happened. I also don't see why your DH had to get involved.
I wouldn't confront people in future especially if you have your children with you. Like others have said there are some nutcases about who wouldn't think twice about pulling a knife on you.

We all have bad days. Sounds like he ignored you because he didn’t want to engage or hear how your child is a toddler. Seeking him out 30 seconds later when it was clear he didn’t want to talk to you wasn’t going to end well.

This.

Nobody behaved well here. There are lots of reasons why someone might be what you consider to be disproportionately irritated by your toddler messing with something they shouldn't. Maybe he had a bad day or was in a rush somewhere and worried he wouldn't get off the train in time. Maybe he is just an impatient, rude person. Either way, your child's behaviour inconvenienced someone else and you chose to deal with that firstly by not really apologising and then escalating it by trying to force someone into communicating with you who really didn't want to.

He definitely shouldn't have called you a cunt or made fun of your face, but if I'd been that cyclist I'd certainly have told you to back off and leave me the hell alone.

My toddler can press the buttons and has been able to reach since she was about 1 on London overground @NeverDropYourMooncup

We have a similar problem where I live. Dog owners don't clean up their dog's mess so if someone approaches them and points out the error of their ways, they become rude and offensive and yet they are in the wrong! Put it down to them being rude, ignorant, and very ill mannered.