Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

@IfIwasablackbird .
so.youve settled for the long game,for now.? Fair enough. But i do feel your stepping into a role thats going to inevitbly hit same conclusion. When you have solo session-please be absolutely honest.
good luck

@chestnutlovers not sure you’ve ever experienced this but it’s not terribly simple to just up and leave. It takes time and planning.

I was pretty much railroaded into counseling and only went because I didn't want to look unreasonable. The upside was that I got to see exH work hard to look reasonable, affable, and come across to the counselor as a loving husband. I found myself observing this version of the 'love bombing', manipulation, and lying with a completely straight face that he was capable of, with utter detachment, like looking at someone in a research study behind a two-way mirror.

I highly recommend that detachment if you're feeling pressured into counseling. It will help you keep your cool if nothing else.

@mathanxiety yes! Lots of nice things were said about how much I do…

@chestnutlovers sorry, bit defensive at the moment, didn’t mean to be snappy.
Thank you.

Obviously it’s super hard to leave a long term marriage but just stay strong - if you want to do the counselling then do it, it’s your life and your decisions. But for what it’s worth I’d be working hard away in the background to get out in as favourable a manner as possible.

Partners Counselling doesn't work in emotionally abusive relationships. Hopefully op will discuss openly and get correct advice moving forwards.

@Hedgewitch123 👌👌👌

Insidious.

This behaviour would make me feel ill at ease in my marriage.

Have only read opening post, but if it's any comfort OP my husband of over 20 years does the same. However he likes to 'log' everything so on his pc and around his office are also logs of all the chores HE hasn't done, even photos of coffee stains from when he spilt his coffee and forgot to clean it up immediately. He chides himself if he doesn't do his things on time and takes photos of piles of clutter (his and mine) so we remember to clear it up.

Mine is a little obsessed with collecting data and tracking it over time. He records everything!! It's part of his 'continuous improvement plan' apparently and helps motivate him. He likes taking before and after photos and adding those to timelines too. I sometimes wonder if he's on the spectrum as he has a very high IQ and went to a school for gifted children.

I had to explain to him why it upset me to recieve photos of my 'errors' especially while I was at work. He used to send me photos of things like an overflowing laundry basket or uncleaned hob. And he insisted they were reminders. So i tested it by sending him photos of the overgrown lawn, dirty patch on car, socks he'd left on floor. And he thanked me, kissed me and said he feels more loved when I remind him too, so he doesn't have to remember everything. I still find this bizarre but am used to it and now set myself reminders to nag him.

Oh and once in A&E, when I was ill with an infection and too out of it to remember details of anything or even engage with the doctor, he took out his phone and announced he had a log of everything. From dates of previous illnesses, vaccinations, moods, medications, activities, sleep, menstrual periods etc. He then read out the log complete with times and dates!

He didn't tell the doctor he has a similar log for himself, just more advanced and detailed.

He also wouldn't let her interrupt until he'd finished reading the log, and the look on her face...

They decided he must be controlling and abusive to log all these details about his wife, and actually called the police! He's still cross with the doctor as doesn't understand how he came across or why.

This is very interesting, is your husband autistic?

Unfortunately fery different to ops situation 😕

Um...

@FateReset crikey. If I had the time to keep such meticulous records my house would be spotless and I wouldn't need to. 🤣

@FateReset....you wonder if he is on the spectrum?🤣🤣🤣
Brilliant.
Thanks for the first laugh of the day.
You sound like an absolute saint.

A grown adult making their own burn book. What a knob. He wasn’t looking after a child he was parenting.

@FateReset no way! Who'd put up with that? And read all of op's posts ffs.

@FateReset I think he quite likely is autistic but undiagnosed.
In honesty the counsellor didn’t seem shocked by the list.

the counsellor didn’t seem shocked by the list.

Counsellors are meant to keep their expressions neutral so this isn't an indicator one way or the other.

I frankly think it's weird, and nothing anyone has posted has persuaded me otherwise.

As I said before, I'm a list maker, have multiple lists on the go, but have never listed out things my DP needs to do, let alone listed his faults, AND then used them against him.

And irrespective of any informal or formal diagnosis, he does not have the overarching right to make you feel uncomfortable with how he is. A diagnosis is not a free pass to act selfishly or abusively.

@DPotter no, it was odd. What they actually said is they were expecting me to say I found an affair or gambling addiction as that’s more frequent.
I wasn’t really sure how to take that but maybe I’m reading into it too far.

This is the cycle of abuse... he is making g you doubt yourself, so you're the problem. Then You stay... continuing the cycle. Till the tolerable level of unhappiness becomes untolerable. Then he will "take steps to change" .. you'll be the problem again. You'll lower your standards and still be trapped.

Tolerable level of unhappiness... forever.

You'll be the problem. .. forever.

This is how it goes for women in your situation op. Sorry to not sugar-coat it. You need to see what it is for what it is.

You're already starting to defend him, make allowances for him.

The cycle of abuse will continue till you step up and break it.

How do you want your life to be, without his emotional push n pull dictating your life?

Ps this is WHY counselling doesn't work for women in your situation.

You were warned of this but still went.

Now you're the problem, the one over reacting.

You need to for a backbone and own this or you're going to stay stuck.

You should be going to counselling alone. Not together.

Couples counselling for men like him is another tool to manipulate, diminish, control and keep you from being a strong. Independent woman.

Please get strong, get mad.... get angry.

You deserve more.

My heart breaks seeing women repeat these patterns again and again.

Break the cycle.

Pps if you think your partner has autism (always used as an excuse for sh!tty behaviour, along with adhd undiagnosed) the counselling won't work either.

Autism needs specialist techniques.

All in all, you need to focus on you and stap away from couples counselling.