Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

@Hedgewitch123 it was the counsellor who said it rather than H.
It is separate next session.

They will because when a partner is abusive, counselling doesn't work.

So the counsellor will not be aware so will say things that will make you doubt yourself.

@IfIwasablackbird what a bizarre thing for a counsellor to say?

@alrightluv yes, I thought it was really strange. It felt almost dismissive of how I felt about the list.

You do know some counsellors are crap.

That counsellor sounds crap. They will get worse after seeing your husband on his own, because he'll tell them all sorts of lies.

Just stick to your guns. The marriage is over. Don't tell the counsellor anything much, just nod and smile and keep on getting your ducks in a row.

Are they male counsellor?

@Hedgewitch123 no, female.

I’m in a very defensive place. It’ll be clearer if this is a terrible idea after individual sessions I think.

A man with a list is a man with a plan which doesn't involve you.

For what it’s worth @ifiwasablackbird when I first read about the list I thought it was weird but not necessarily a dealbreaker as an isolated incident, but when you opened up about the wider context of your relationship it became clear this was part of a much wider issue of how your partner has treated you and made you feel that was a lot scarier. That might be why you got an odd reaction from the counselor as by focusing on just this one incident he can make you out to be overreacting and it’s hard in couples counselling to express the wider context honestly. Probably why other people say couples counselling doesn’t work in these scenarios (though I still believe you do whatever you feel you need to). I also agree that I’ve done individual counselling a couple of times to help with certain life transitions and whilst I’ve found it helpful - the focus on not telling you what to do can make counsellors a bit weird to talk to as well and limits how much you should read into what they say. They can be helpful but they aren’t life gurus!

Indeed

He is trying to charm the therapist and come across as "the reasonable one".

Please be careful. Some therapists do more harm than good.

If this isn't right for you, if you feel you're not being heard, but you know your H is keeping score, just detach if you feel you can't call a screeching halt to the farce.

Don't lay too much of your feelings out in the sessions. Dont let the conversation move around to your parents, your childhood, any adverse experiences at home or in school as a child. It will all be twisted and used against you by your H either in therapy or afterward.

When the sessions end, and even while they're ongoing, keep on making your plans to leave. The attempt by your H to get the therapist onside shows that he isn't engaging in therapy in good faith, and this exercise will achieve nothing.

I wouldn't go near couples councelling with a man like this.

hi @IfIwasablackbird

He sounds horrible and I suggest you play your cards close to your chest in joint counselling. Get your own therapist who you can speak freely to. I did when I left my awful exH and it was so helpful. My family are a bunch of narcissists too so to talk about my feelings and for once to have them validated “that must have been awful for you” instead of minimised/dismissed/talked over the top of - was amazing.

I ended my marriage in November 2022 after 21 years together. I was 41. My kids were 8 & 4. I organised everything. I managed to buy exH out of the family home - these men are really fucking lazy so an easy sale (if you can afford to pay market price) and kids stay with you while you do all the childcare and he walks off with a wodge of cash may appeal to him. He also then looks like he is the good guy “letting” you stay in the home with the kids.

You sound younger than me - you will have an amazing second phase of life (another wonderful thing my lovely therapist said to me). I’m in a new relationship now with a lovely man who I actually had a short romance with when I was 17! I hadn’t seen him for 24 years. He is so wonderful, so kind and loving and just the best, we are so happy. I truly consider him the love of my life and feel utterly lucky to have met him again, and even to have been married to my total cunt of an ex because of my brilliant kids. You will have this too @IfIwasablackbird - life can be so happy.

I'm sorry that the sessions are not helpful so far op. Just remember that you know what your life/marriage is like and that you don't need anybody to approve your decision to separate. Nobody can make you stay married to them , they might drag it out , but a divorce will happen.

H did not like the second session when we were separate at all.
I found it really helpful. It was quite different to the first.

I hope the counsellor was less weird than last time?

of course he didn't like his individual session - you weren't there to listen to / accept / be responsible for any blame etc.

Exactly.

Cycles of abuse op. Read up on them... Read up on tolerable levels of unhappiness also.

Glad you went alone... what's the next steps moving forwards?

I'm really glad to read your update op.

He's preparing for divorce

On todays episode of how to be a prick.

The reason he doesn’t want to leave the marriage is because children of divorced parents end up in prison.

Oh my god he's really scraping the barrel of excuses this time!!! This is an absolute shit show, I hope you can extricate yourself, and soon...

@KarenW it was a double
pronged attack.

Guilting me that I would be ruining their lives but also it’s not because he wants to stay with me as a person.

Oh so that's why the prisons are so full. Your DH has cracked it. Just stop couples getting divorced and we won't need any new prisons.

He is such a manipulative (and stupid) twat I don't know how you can bear to be in the same room as him.

I hope you can get away from him soon.