Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

It doesn't matter what he wants. YOU want to leave the marriage. And he gets no say in whether or not you do.

One foot in front of the other, OP. Get your grey rock on and keep going until you're out on the other side.

Guilting me that I would be ruining their lives but also it’s not because he wants to stay with me as a person.

I'd have wet myself hearing that

He loves you as a person but lists each and every perceived fault, including just having life.

Has he no sense of irony? Surely, he should at least pretend to take it seriously.

There's the baton, OP. Take it and run with it. (I think the word person could be easily substituted for whipping post.)

@IfIwasablackbird .
Id probably be in prison i-if pulled that shite line ,never mind the kids!
I know this man. NOT YOURS.
No accountbility ever, I NEED you to know -hes not right in the head.(proper cliically)its probbly got diagnosis...but dont go down that ravbit hole.key words= Coercive Control.
narcistic psycotic cunt
player.
DANGEROUS.
theres every chance he believes every word(of shite)he speaks, will leaaan to play "victim"then wipe the floor with you with fresh assault of nastiness.My non young offender 14yo (whos been cursed with a father like this)always reminds me "he knows EXACTLY what hes saying or doing,no maatter how deranged it gets-ITS always on purpose"
My invility to quite comprehend this has had horrific reszults for over ten yeaars now-
in scotland coercive control(partner\ex)is illegal. is enggland same yet?
eitherway.
You can play in and out ddusty blue bells all day-hes a self serving self obsessed twat. because he knows he incapable of being a proper person.him nd his wee septic list is EXACTLY all hes good for. he will "hate"all that there is bout you the is incapable of,jeaalous in its most cruelest form.twisted at its worst and pathetic beyond humiliating..
if and any mask that fqlls/lie gets 100%caught out on-he prob pull tears.
no pology and never ever to blame.
Go to womans aid/call/online chat .yes its all just nsty words n mind games ..it will drin you dry, repetedly having to ping pong his ridiculous strops and play alonga nice gyy...YOU NEED OUT. With the kids asap with proper support. DO IT. imagine being ble to just "be""without all the shite show,to smile and breath and not have to go through this anymore. YOU hawve to break out cos he will burl incessantly.
Hes wasting your time.no contac t would(almost)be ideal-tho i guarntee you-he wont cope with that at all .
ITS HIM
all of it.

Hahahaha, he's really scraping the barrel for excuses. I'd argue children of unhappy marriages, growing up in toxic households are far more likely to carry that into their adulthood and actions than children who have seen a parent set healthy boundaries, set consequences and follow through.

How are the counselling sessions going op

Don't listen to that prick for a minute.
Tune him out completely.

Sounds like he is just one big negative in your life, OP, and you'll be happier without him in it day-to-day long-term.

@Hedgewitch123 counsellor was off last week so no further forward.

It’s all really starting to get to me in honesty. It’s got me very down and I’m struggling to just keep going.

Like someone said above, he’s just a huge source of negativity. All the time.

@IfIwasablackbird exactly. -he will drain your energy and then play on your nerves.
its your lives-not a bloody game. Is unlikely he leve even if you ask him to.So please speak to womans aid.your new life is waiting for you

@IfIwasablackbird

You don’t have to stay. I know leaving seems so hard but life with him is bloody hard and there is no end in sight, no hope it will get better.

Leaving is hard but the kind of hard where it gets better. It’s nearly 2 years since I left my exH and I don’t recognise the life I used to have.

are you still with him op?

Yes, I am.

I might get a lot of judgment for it but actually marriage counselling has been really beneficial so far.

We’re not at the end of it and it’ll take a lot of time but even as an individual I have found the counselling helpful. DH has been very open in it and a lot of his behaviour makes more sense to me. I think undiagnosed autism is a big part of how he behaves. Understanding that and him understanding the impact he has on those around him has made a huge difference. To all of us.

Whether we stay together long term or not is not set in stone but I think this would help either way as we will always have the children, so us being able to communicate would be helpful. At least if it ends now it’s not so acrimonious.

He wasn’t planning on leaving though, which I thought he was as other people did too. He has done everything possible to try and fix the marriage. Yes, it took a therapist explaining his behaviour to him for him to understand, but it was lack of awareness rather than deliberate twattery.

Hi @IfIwasablackbird im pleased you sound happier.

but please do keep one foot on this thread and reread your previous posts. There is an awful lot of deliberate twattery that you’ve already mentioned.

good luck

So pleased you’re feeling better for the counselling. I hope it all works out for you (whatever that looks like).

He has done everything possible to try and fix the marriage.. like what?

no judgement for staying
but having read all your posts… it’s quite disturbing to think of anyone with him

He has always put me down, says he isn’t but does it really slyly. Like teaching our 10 year old about a Shakespeare play then asking her to ask me a question about it, knowing I won’t know the answer. It’s pathetic I know, but I’m quite sure it’s deliberate.

he sounds evil

@thanksicloud he isn’t evil. Troubled perhaps but not evil.

That particular example is something he will not say has any malice. He has been quite open about why he communicates poorly and is so avoidant, so I don’t think he’s hiding it. I do actually believe it’s a lack of understanding and empathy of how that might make me feel.

I am probably not innocent in that as I have huge issues from my childhood so over analyse everything that anyone does. This has come up in the sessions too, not something he has said to or accused me of.

He has changed his working pattern to be more supportive, made time for me to do with what I will, he is doing more life admin, school stuff and is being very open in the counselling sessions which I know he is finding incredibly hard to do. He’s a very repressed character.

It’s not flowers and chocolates but that wouldn’t help anyway!

@Billybagpussthank you.

I think that’ll be the make or break in the long run, I mentally cannot let go of the lists as of yet. He understands that and is trying, so we will see how it goes.

It would have to end if I still feel this way long term.

@StormingNorman thank you.

Think I'd be using this current time to make arrangements to get out as peacefully as possible. Easier to leave when things are currently 'good'. Obviously they won't remain good, because you know, he's a shit.

If you're feeling stronger now, maybe sieze this opportunity to get away from him.

he thinks women’s rights are “nonsense”?

what do you mean by I doubt he’s having an affair. I don’t think he has the capacity.

And a few counselling sessions have undone all of this?

it’s obviously sad to feel I’ve lost 20 years in a largely unhappy relationship

oh Op, he’s done a number on you 😞

@thanksicloud no it isn’t all undone.

Trying to shame me into leaving with your palpable disappointment isn’t helpful though and won’t actually effect my decision, to be honest.

I am not having fun in this process but this is my life and I’m trying the best to get through this.

I don’t think he’s having an affair as he doesn’t have the time or energy for many things and I think that would be one of them. Having a disabled child, neither of us get much time when the other doesn’t know where we are as our son needs 121 all the time. So no, I don’t think he has the capacity to have an affair.

We have been able to talk about women’s rights as communication is better and discussions not being wrong/right or black and white, he has listened more. Nobody is shutting anyone else down.