Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

The counsellor can’t make you talk about his list of all your failings if you don’t want to, you can just say something like

“ I understand that John wants to talk about all the things I’ve done wrong and what he thinks will fix our marriage. But I have already decided that I’m leaving so I don’t think it’s helpful to discuss the past. I want to use this time to agree way forward, how we can make our separation as amicable as possible and cause the least harm to our children. the more we can agree here, the less we will spend on legal fees ans the quicker we can move on to co parent amicably”.

Im sure you can work out how to say this better.

Of course in order to expedite this as an option he’s deleted the list, acknowledges that it was a heinous thing to do and apologised profusely.

@Billybagpuss he has deleted all of them but I’m pretty sure it’s more removing evidence.
The level of trust I have, he’s probably just moved them elsewhere.

I think deleting them is irrelevant. He made the list on the first place. I wonder if he'll suggest that you're crazy and that thre was no list.

Woah! This post has really made me see red. You can absolutely feel the entitlement. It would be a dealbreaker for me, I'd be getting ducks in a row - and would probably have my own list to hand to him as me and the kids walked out of the door.

You are doing amazingly. You are bound to feel low with such awful things happening but I’m in awe of your strength in taking action and not letting your vile husband walk all over you. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to be fun mum- just survive the next few weeks.
I think you’ve done the right thing agreeing to counselling- the likelihood is he’ll never bother to arrange it. If he does, then you still have nothing to fear- just tell the counsellor about the lists and there’s no way they could side with him!
sending strength - you can do this.

OP, pls be kind to yourself and get through these weeks.

He is vile and, controlling and abusive.
You will soon realise that finding that list was a blessing.
It gave you the push to get out.
Please call Womens aid for a chat.
Also you can ring 101 and have a marker put on your house as you are trying to leave an abusive relationship.
Should he burst into your room again, call the police.
Let him see you are very serious.
I think you have been abused and controlled for years and are coming out of a fog.
That is why you cannot look at him.
The scales have fully fallen from your eyes and he knows this.
THAT is why he is back tracking.
He knows you are really done.
He is utter scum and he absolutely targeted you as a young girl.
Its what controlling abusive scum do.

Don't be sad, be glad that you are going to get away from him.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Take support from where you can.

We are here for you.

Oh and if you do ho to counselling with him, absolutely mention that you absolutely feel that he took advantage of you, he was 8 years older and he introduced you to drink and drugs.

Make a fine long list yourself of how awfully lazy he is.
Also stop doing ANYTHING for him.

You are actually doing really well OP.

If you can't face counselling, who is going to berate you for 'not making the effort'?

Divorce can be no fault now. You don't have to prove anything and it will give him a cudgel to beat you with if.

Stay strong, OP. You're right about not wanting to model an unhealthy relationship for your kids to see. After you're through the tough part, it will be much better.

Wider family members would ask why I wouldn’t go. His family have been pretty unpleasant towards me over the years.

Most of my siblings are supportive but one thinks I’m over reacting.

I am actually feeling much brighter today. I’m up, going to take the kids out in a bit.

Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate the support. I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m too embarrassed to tell any real life friends.

Yet, I will speak with them.

OP I’m currently going through divorce. You sound like me….done. Tired of his crap, and know you’ll be fine on your own.

We went through counselling, it was pointless and rubbish. They don’t take sides and guide you to air your feelings using scripts. The other had to respond acknowledging your feelings as if they understand and are sympathetic. I knew after though it was words, and he didn’t understand or agree with my feelings.

I’ve also spoken to a solicitor. They advised me to start my own divorce proceedings online as it’s cheaper. Then to go back to them when the cooling off period (5 months) is close, with a statement of assets and how we want to split them. We have to try and agree this ourselves. If we can’t we go to mediation, then court if we still can’t agree. Generally everything will be advised to be split 50:50 and fairly.

@QuaintReader thanks for the tips there!

I hope you’re ok, it’s not easy.

Well done you for getting to this stage! Do not feel forced to go to counselling - it may just be a further way of him trying to delay divorce proceedings. Or continue to try and control the situation.
A female close to me had to leave/divorce her husband. Her solicitor, when told what happened, simply said, you had no choice but to leave. She felt such relief at that statement. I think it is similar in your case - he doesn't see he's doing anything wrong but you cannot stay because his behaviour is so unreasonable.
I would be concerned with him staying in the house during the divorce process. He may not want to go/see why he has to, but it maybe that he has to rent somewhere until a decision is made about housing. Possibly explore this with your solicitor.
If you do ever feel in danger, don't hesitate to contact the police.

I would only use councilling to help facilitate divorce.

It's never recommended to go to councilling with an abuser as they just twist everything and use the therapist against you to further wear you down.

I'd suggest personal therapy instead to help you understand how you got to this point of staying with the abuser. And help support you in leaving him and not making the same mistakes over again.

@Pinkbonbon I already know. Dysfunctional upbringing, I was used to it and just didn’t see the issue with living with a narcissist. Just swapped out to a new one.

I think you might be surprised how they react. When my dear friend told me she was divorcing her useless prick of a husband, I was finally able to tell her how I'd never liked him but had been polite for her sake.

Brucie bonus - you are getting rid of his odious family too xx

Maybe he did initially assume you were 18, but he found out you were 17 soon enough. There is a HUGE power imbalance between a 17 yo and a 25 yo. So much so, I wouldn’t hesitate to call it grooming. He was easily able to dictate the terms of the relationship from the word go. I’m not surprised you’re the “skivvy”, as you say. You’re now a grown woman who can see past that, and he doesn’t like it.

Haven't read full thread but: Ooops, this sounds like something I would do as ammunition for an argument/discussion, but I'm autistic as fuck. I think in black/white terms, am obsessed with 'justice' and have trouble communicating. Could any of that relate to him?

lol no, but he's ADHD. The best we can hope for is mutual accommodation - we'll never reach neurotypical standards of 'healthy'. Anyway, sorry for derailing the thread, just wanted to throw that possibility in there.

@chestnutlovers we had our first counselling session this week with both of us and next week we’re in it separately.

Not an ideal outcome for anyone really but I think even outside the marriage the counselling will be beneficial for me, so I would like to keep going with it, regardless of the outcome.