An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

I wouldn't have persistently thought "Oh, I have so much time left", as you did, as least 3 times from your account. At 11am, you don't have time left. Any time after that, you really don't have time left.

Aim to be on that train platform at 11.45am at the latest. Then you can be that chill person on the train, calmly listening to music.

ADHD

Would have stopped work at 11.00 knowing I would need to touch up my make up and hair, pack my bag, put my mug in the dishwasher and put on my shoes and coat. Umbrella would already be in my work bag ( lives in there all the time). Would make sure I left house at 11.30 to build in some extra time to make sure I could park as I know town will be busier at that time of day 🙂.

It’s about be disciplined with yourself avoiding distraction and not getting sidetracked i.e. “the it will be ok if I carry on for another 15 minutes” …… it won’t ! because you know something will happen in that 15 minutes, you will get caught on a call / with an e mail and then you will be delayed / late so try to avoid getting caught in the trap.

I would have allowed a lot more time than leaving the house 20 before for a train that you cannot miss. I would have aimed to be waiting at the station for around 10-15 minutes at least.

Like a pp points out, you persistently think that you have lots of time when you clearly don't!

I am naturally rubbish at being on time. This is what I'd suggest based on what has helped me:

• when you know you have to go out later in the day, set things up so that it will be easier to leave the house. eg have handbag / work bag ready-packed and close to the door; it should already contain a charger that you always keep in it (I purposely bought two extras so that one is always in my work bag and one is always in my handbag); have shoes you want to wear ready by the door; have makeup and hair brush in bag so you can touch up when out if needed. It really reduces the last-minute rush as you know worst comes to worst you can still step out quickly and be ok.
• get a hook or similar up in your hallway and keep your keys there. Get into the habit of hanging them there whenever you get into the house. Have a spare set of keys that you keep in your bedside table or similar as a backup for any times you might mess up.
• wear clothes with good pockets where possible - I always keep my mobile in my pocket when in the house (although I'll admit this strategy doesn't work for me all the time and I still frequently put it down somewhere silly... still working on it! Also of course not helpful that loads of lovely women's clothes come pocket-free).
• don't set an alarm for when you should 'start getting ready' as you simply train yourself not to take it seriously (this is the same for people who set early alarms for waking up, then just have the routine of snoozing them... something else I've been guilty of). Set an alarm for 5 or even 10 mins before you need to leave in order to be safe in getting to your destination so that you know this alarm means business.
• If like me you get drawn into tasks at the last minute that aren't actually time-sensitive (sounds like you might be like this with the email thing), practise saying to yourself 'I don't need to do this now. I give myself permission to come back to it later', or whatever thing feels more authentic / silly / uplifting / effective for you.

Maybe worth a try? Everyone is so different - good luck finding things that help you.

@IggityZiggity true but that's 10-15 min of your time wasted hanging about.

I’m a punctual person and would have been at the station at 1145 to avoid stuff like this.
I have adhd too but by the time I had kids was pretty much trained out of procrastination and similar.

But late people often leave other people hanging around for at least that long.

Late people are valuing their time more than the time of the people they are supposed to meet.

Being late is selfish.
My husband has ADHD and is perpetually early for things because he would rather be waiting than for other people to be due to him.

Being late is not uncontrollable, the person just needs systems and to make it a habit.

(I realise this is a very long reply to your comment, but I thought I would tack on all my thoughts at once so I didn't have to leave two comments 😂)

My dh lives like this and it's headwrecking. He wants to arrive at the last minute and jump on the train ..no time wasted. In his book. Me..l get to the station at 11.45. Sit and calmly wait for the train. So everything in my day is planned for 11.45 not 12. And l am ready to go before l start work so l only have to walk out the door.
Do you have ADHD? Sometimes it can be you desperately need the dopamine rush of the final fling onto the train , the dashing. I could not cope with that. I don't even think too much about the time l seem to have an built clock that moves me along without being conscious of it. Taught well by my dad from an early age as he was a meticulous time keeper which kept my childhood calm.

Your timings are off you weren't actually ready to go at 11.32. Reframe being ready to leave as having the key in the car ready to start the car. Make sure everything you need is in one place the night before. Maybe put your umbrella in the car the night before or as pp says in your work bag

The biggest issue is allowing enough time to find a parking space. It's better to arrive early than have to run in a panic.

I wouldn’t have driven for three minutes if I’d known parking was going to be an issue. Walking makes it easier to plan timings.

Are you disabled? If not, I would have walked.

I would also have planned to get there for 11:45.

A 3-minute drive is a mile and a half (assuming average speed of 30mph), so I probably would have walked that and left the house at 11:25 to be safe, unless the rain was really heavy.

Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.

Car keys, door keys, shoes and umbrellas are all next to the front door in this house, so it would have been easy to find them. Having a set place to drop your keys as you come into the house makes life much easier. We're shoes off, so that takes care of their place, and umbrellas are in a stand next to the door. If really pushed for time, I'd have just left the cups and washed them when I got home.

I'd probably suggest getting ready at 11:00, and then doing more work if you get ready more quickly than you imagined. So if you are ready by 11:15, you can then finish your email, then leave at 11:30 to be at the station in good time for the train.

Op do you have a job which requires some level of time keeping?
Do you have children or dependents who rely on you go get them to places at a certain time?
Do you manage to get to appointments (hair, dentist) on time?
Do you catch flights on time?

If so then it's down to what you're prioritising as important.

I think the problem is setting z get ready time rather than a leave time. So set an alarm at 11 planning that you MUST leave at 1130 and be in the car. As PPs have said have things already ready so you don't have to organise yourself and cN just pick up you'd things and go.

I have adhd and have the opposite problem. I always think things will take longer than they will. Eg waking up at 4:30am and arriving at that the station by 6 to take a train that leaves an hour or more later lol

This is so me my kids have autism and ADHD. I used to get told off at school all the time for day dreaming. But did suffer a lot of abuse growing up. I literally watch the bus going past our house and say oh we've got a few minutes until it comes back down. But nearly every time we end up running for it and sometimes miss it.

When I was going to a concert with a friend. She told to be at our pick up point half an hour before we actually needed to be. She booked it and had the tickets so I had no clue. I was actually a few minutes early that time. But sometimes buses are unpredictable. Where we live they just cancel the service because of a lack of drivers. Thank goodness I can check on the app now. I sometimes have to get a taxi which can be anything from a few minutes to 45 minutes.

11:00 alarm should have been the prompt to touch up makeup, put shoes and coat on and leave.

Not piss about for 30-40 minutes acting like you have all the time in the world.

I wouldn't start getting ready an hour before the train was due, I'd start getting ready an hour before I needed to leave the house, then leave with ample time to actually get there.

I'm not always dead on time, shit happens, kids dawdle or do stuff that affects my time keeping, I'm talking 5-10 minutes late occasionally. But my god I get frustrated with people that are consistently really really late with no regard for the person waiting excessive amounts of time for them.

My leaving time is the time I need to be in the car ready to set off
I factor in too much time probably for everything, for example I have a hair appointment next week at 12 which is 35 mins away plus a 6 min walk from parking
I'll allow 45 mins for the drive, 10 mins extra because I need to get petrol, 10 mins for parking and 10 mins for the walk

So in my head I need to be ready to set off, and sat in the car at 10.40am but I round it so 10.30am. That gives me 1.5hrs which is probably excessive but I'm never late, and my job means being late is a total loss of any bonus so....

This. You have to give yourself a buffer. And prirotise, so when you have to be out the door you have to be out the door, no kissing the dog or other random crap. I would've got ready first, then gone back to my desk to work if I had extra time rather then getting ready at the end

*But late people often leave other people hanging around for at least that long.

Late people are valuing their time more than the time of the people they are supposed to meet.

Being late is selfish.
My husband has ADHD and is perpetually early for things because he would rather be waiting than for other people to be due to him.

Being late is not uncontrollable, the person just needs systems and to make it a habit.*

^ This.

I always used to count backwards like you and then that would fix the timings. I also never gave myself any leeway as I wanted to fill all the time. I also realised that it would take me 10 to 15 minutes from deciding 'right I'm leaving now' to actually leaving, so this time was never factored in. I was always rushing or late. Now I always plan to leave 10 minutes before I think I need to, and I remember to account for the faff time to leave the house. I'm now generally on time, surpsingly not overly early and life feels so much calmer!

Your thought process is familiar to me, but only in the last year or so. I've always been highly organised (probably to the point of anxiety) but I've become less so recently,
My theory is that technology/always being 'connected'/pace of life plus some highly stressful events in my life in the last 18 months has affected my executive functioning

I have ADHD, and can be time blind. If I'm meeting someone I have a named alarm for every stage of getting ready to go out
So for example

• 10am - alarm named "charge phone"
• 10.30am - alarm named "finish current task"
• 10.45am - Alarm named "pack bag with [insert specific items]"
• 10:50 alarm named "Do hair"
• 11am Alarm named ,"Wash dishes and wipe table
• 11.10am Alarm named "unplug phone , pack in bag and put shoes on
• 11.15 travel to the station

I don't allow the little procrastination voices get in because I will be late if I do that. With alarms ,once I've completed my task, I just go into 'wait mode" until the next parcel is ready

Also pre pack your bag the night before any planned events/trips. And always have a compact umbrella in your handbag. And leave your keys in a dedicated place every night.

Also I know it looks like I set off really early, but I account for school traffic and lunchtime traffic x