An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

When I get overstimulated (which can be triggered by lots of things) my mind can only focus on the trigger. I'll get frustrated, clammy, possibly heart racing, agitated, I'll do repetitive movements.

It's hard to come down from it and once I do calm I feel heavy (like I'm wearing a lead vest) my head feels tight . I struggle to talk/remember. My stomach feels tight/nauseous. That can last hours or days.

For example I got overwhelmed Wednesday due to a busy outing with my son, followed by horrendous traffic, having to rush I ending up being late home so my dog was walked late, I ate late,

I'm still feeling the effects now (hence why I'm awake at 3am)

My mother was like this - chronically late, and it shat me to tears. School pick up - I was the daggy kid waiting outside the school gates on my own, doctors appointments “where’s my keys…where’s my shoes…".

i'm never late. I get stressed even with the possibility of being late. I travelled for business this week. I’m at the airport at least an hour and a half early. Bag drop and security - no queues. However, in my planning I allowed for delays, traffic, parking, security delays…whatever. I was an hour early in the terminal before boarding. No issues. I grabbed a coffee and chilled (no stress).

waiting is not wasted time. Being stressed is far more taxing. It helps that in my job, time keeping to the second is vital. But that kind of awareness takes planning and discipline allowing for contingencies.

Thanks @autienotnaughty

That's really helpful.

Sorry I missed the original question but this answer is brilliant.

I'll add my answer to this answer even though it's very similar.

I also lose the ability to either form coherent sentences, speak with proper intonation or speak completely. When people then put demands on me to speak, like ask how my day's been or otherwise require an answer from me it can make me burst out into tears, run off, cry, pace, hurt myself, and have massive panic attacks where I am shaking, heart racing like I'm being hunted for sport and even though I am breathing it feels like I just cannot catch a breath, and I get so disoriented it makes it hard to find my way out. That's if I have a meltdown. If it's a shutdown I just can not respond and my body is frozen in fear, but outwardly I just look like I've got a thousand yard stare and am being extremely ignorant.

Meltdowns can make me really irritable and combative. It's like I am fighting for my life. No expense spared in words or actions. Sometimes suddenly bursting into an argument and acting disproportionate to the matter at hand is the first or only signal I am going into a meltdown, as its generally out of character behaviour.

It can last for hours, and the after effects are exhausting, but being exhausted can also make you sensitive to your triggers so catching the early signs of dysregulation are very important to managing your ability to cope, although not always possible.

I can feel extremely guilty for having a meltdown or a shut down and my mood drops so low that I often think the world's better off without me in it. These thoughts usually end because the last thing to come is usually crippling exhaustion and I don't have the energy to think or process information.

I am very fortunate that I know my triggers very well and by and large they don't bother me very often as I am able to control my environment.

Stimulant medication for ADHD though makes me feel like I can get things done but the expense is I ignore my other needs which means I bump into these triggers and I grit my teeth and I get on with it and get on and on and on until I explode over the smallest thing, and a lot of the time I don't even realise it because I'm so absorbed in the task at hand while I have the capacity to do it.

I'm not saying the medication is all bad, and if I know I've got a few days at home and there's some paperwork I need to get done, phone calls I need to make and I am going to be procrastinating otherwise, but I've got time to recover and I'm not likely to become overwhelmed or overstimulated then on balance the medication is a good but it's not a fix to all of my problems and it's not a simple answer especially when for me it only works 2 weeks out of 4 so the stars have to be in alignment for them.

If the lateness is making you late for other commitments, you should say something.

At the scheduled finish time, you stand up and say something like “I have to leave now - I’ve got to pick up my children. I thought the meeting would be over by 11:00, as it said on the schedule”. If you don’t want to talk about your children, you can say “other commitments” instead.

I had to do this in an early job, when a meeting constantly went on after it was supposed to finish because of latecomers. I would just “If I don’t start now, the sales database won’t be updated on time”, then quietly leave. If anybody had pulled me up for it, I was ready to point out that I was there on time, but other people’s lateness was wasting my time and causing the meeting to overrun.

It takes a bit of confidence, but just keep in mind that you are not at fault and other people’s lateness is causing you problems. This is as good a way as any to make people aware of it.

Wish I’d written this!

It takes a bit of confidence, but just keep in mind that you are not at fault and other people’s lateness is causing you problems. This is as good a way as any to make people aware of it

You're totally right and I will be doing this next time!

I kind of hate you all for pandering to her!

This thread has been so cathartic and helpful. A few points.
When I said 10 minutes waiting feels like eons I meant when I'm focused and in the zone 10 hours feels like nothing. It's my lack of concept of time passing. I don't mind waiting at all!
In fact I feel like my planning should get me somewhere with loads of time to wait in peace which I what I want but somehow it doesn't work out.
I do not consider my time more important than others. Nor do I not give a shit about being late. I HATE IT and I feel guilt and shame anytime I am anything other than bang on time or early preferably. Somehow my brain can't compute sometimes.
I regularly have to take flights for work. I have never missed one. However I have to plan with excessive detail and literally add hours to my schedule to ensure I'm there on time. In fact I'm always there hours before necessary to account for my time blindness and I get anxious if things don't go to plan even by minutes.

It seems the day to day things are my blind spot.
Anyway, the tips in here have been so useful and I have got to the station with 15 mins to spare every day since.
Fucking result. Thanks you wonderful people.

OP that’s an amazing result! And also kudos for being so positive and open-minded about a thread with some pretty harsh judgements about late people on it! - but as you say also a really helpful discussion.

How do you feel when you’re there early - does it help you to feel more positive about yourself and less self-judging IYSWIM?

Well done OP and welcome to the early club! The person that will benefit most from this change is you. Hopefully things will become a little less stressful for you now. Great outcome!

I love being early. Always have. So much less stress and yes less self- judging. I just planned to leave 10-15 minutes earlier than I think I needed to this week. Previously I would have felt a form of guilt about not filling the time with a random task like an email or a dishwasher fill because I had 'ages' of time.

For context as well I do actually manage to live my life without burning the house down.
I'm actually a partner in a law firm!

It's really specific periods of time that seem to send me awry. If you read my post I actually left plenty of time (but yes could have been more) but it's the bit between e.g. 'right let's go, it's 11.25 and I need to leave at 11.30' so I do my final bits quickly and leave only to find that the 'final bits' have somehow taken 15 minutes. In my head it should only be 11.27 at most. I just can't account for why a few simple tasks could have taken that long!

The times this usually happens is leaving the house to go somewhere and leaving work. Never when going to meetings. Never when I have to send things to a client or call them, I'm always, always punctual then

Leaving work is a nightmare. 1x an hour train leaves at 6pm. 15 minutes to get there on a bad day. I always start packing up at 5.30 but need to grab stuff from the printer, finish an email, put stuff in my locker. That should take 2 minutes I think. Someone always wants to grab me as I'm leaving. 'Talk while I walk' I usually say to them but might stop for 2 minutes to finish a convo. Thats fine though becuase it's still only 5.30 isn't it? I exit the lift only to find it's now 5.50. Why I think time stays still I don't know.

I must miss the train home 3 times a week on average. The bar at the train station does a roaring trade from me!
I haven't this week though . I've been quite strict about actually leaving at 5.30. Told a team member to call me on my walk instead of stopping to chat. They didn't bother as it wasn't that urgent!

Amazing result OP!

Probably to misquote Douglas Adams, time is relative, lunchtime doubly so.
Some of us need to allocate 15m just to go through the door.

I don't think having your job necessarily means anything though about what challenges you or others might face or might be hidden. A lot of masking goes on in education and work settings, in itself (not just the strive to develop effective strategies is) exhausting.

Well done OP. I read the OP thinking 'this is 100% me'. Now I'm going to read the whole thing (once I've put the kettle on, given the dog a treat etc).

@Jimmyneutronsforehead
Thanks for the reply - great insights from you and @autienotnaughty .

😂

Goodness no, not in a work setting. I thought you were joking for a minute!

Arriving a bit late is for social functions (but not parties at venues which are time limited e.g. kids parties that last 2 hours), where someone is perhaps hosting in their home to allow them time to 'get things ready' for when you arrive.

Yes, fine to have small talk initially but rude to arrive late for a meeting.

And rude to arrive late if a restaurant table’s booked, especially if it’s for a limited time.

I appreciate 'there's always one' but DH is one of those punctual people. He seems to be constantly playing some game with himself where the challenge is to arrive at the venue exactly on time. He seems to think it's quite normal where he's from (Germany) but that feels like way too much of a generalisation. I'm sure Germany has its share of chronically late and perpetually early just like here.

@Squashinthepinkcup, you're so right 😆 For affirmation, try Googling Warum kommen manche Menschen immer spät? Teutonic Efficiency Monsters are not immune!

Do you have ADHD? I'm recently diagnosed aged 34 and this was one of the biggest changes I saw with medication. Time just goes at a steady pace now. An hour is an hour no matter what I'm doing.

If your appointment is at 12, put it in your diary for 11.45