An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

The secret is to get ready first then go back to whatever other task you think you had time for, and set an alarm for the hard 'leave the house now' time.

That way you know you are ready to walk out of the door, but can profitably spend those last few minutes sending the email/putting cups in the dishwasher.

With the kids (and TBH internally, but with mental alarms) I have multiple in the morning (until routine is in place) - time to have breakfast, time to put shoes and socks on, time to be going out of the door. Then my internal timechecks (make sure they're up and about, make sure they've had breakfast by now, ask them if their bag is packed by now, we should be hitting these traffic lights at 8am to be on time, we should be passing this shop at 8:10 if we are on time etc.)

Sounds exhausting, but I find it less stressful than winging it.

My friend who is always late says ‘just’ a lot. I’ll just do this, I’ll just do that, and I’ll just do this too.

There’s no such thing as ‘just’!

That poster was responding to the comment that arriving at the station early wastes 15 minutes. It's a mindset. If the persistently late person views waiting because they are early as a 'waste of their own time' they will continue being late and waste everyone else's time. They need a mindset shift to see being early not as a waste of time but as a good use of time to avoid lateness.

Unless the station was literally in my back garden, if I left the house at 11.40 am for a midday train I simply couldn't miss, my default assumption would be "I'm at risk of missing this train", not "great, I'm bang on time". You have barely any contingency planning factored in. As others have said, a good approach is not to plan to be there on time, work out how long it will take to get there and then add a few minutes, but instead to plan to be there, actually on the platform, 15 or 20 minutes early. You may sometimes end up spending a quarter of an hour reading a book on the station platform, but it's a far better, more stress free approach to life in general I find.

Someone may have already said it, I haven't read through the thread, but you need to tell yourself that you need to be there at 11.50am and work back from there timewise. Leaving at 11.30 not 11.40. Always tell yourself you have to be somewhere ten minutes earlier than you actually need to. It gives you breathing space, and so what if you stand there for ten minutes waiting.

Do people who are chronically late plan this way?

Lateness is my pet hate. Its just that people who are late seem to think its ok and opps I did it again. There is no excuse just sefishness. Sort your self out its not hard.

I'd have put my keys and charger in my bag the night before for a start. You didn't need to faff with the dishwasher.

I don't understand why you're persisting in telling yourself you have loads of time when an alarm goes off, when in reality you needed that 25 minutes hence setting the 11am alarm!

People like this drive me nuts. My best friend as a teenager used to arrange to meet at 7. She would get in from some errand for her mum at 6.50 and decide she had time to wash and dry her hair when the meeting spot was a 5 minute walk away!

I think the first poster nailed it - your mistake was thinking you have plenty of time. You need to set the timers late enough that you know you need to actually act on them. But generally everything tends to take longer than we think, in my experience. So aiming to be early is definitely helpful.

It seems to me that a major part of lateness is suddenly thinking "Oh, I've got to do xyz" - hang washing or put dishwasher on etc. Why not do those things in your own time, not in the time you've allocated to get ready? why were those things not important 2 hours earlier and now they suddenly are? If they could be left earlier then they can be left now.

I also agree with PP- stop ignoring your alarm. There is no point in setting one if you're going to ignore it.

I really cant stand lateness, it's so rude to the other person waiting around endlessly. Also, I often think if those same people were told they had won the lottery but in order to collect it they had to be at a certain place at 12pm on the dot and if they were late they'd lose it, they'd somehow manage it!

It seems to me that a major part of lateness is suddenly thinking "Oh, I've got to do xyz" - hang washing or put dishwasher on etc. Why not do those things in your own time, not in the time you've allocated to get ready? why were those things not important 2 hours earlier and now they suddenly are? If they could be left earlier then they can be left now.

Exactly! It is selfish to prioritise hanging up washing or loading the dishwasher over someone who is standing waiting for you. You have missed the window. Leave it in the machine.

Leave at 11.20 in that situation.

I don’t think those who are persistently late are thinking ‘fuck everyone else, I’m more important’. I think those people are so caught up in their own world that they probably haven’t even considered the effect they are having on other people.

The post about the boyfriend who learned to be in time after he was kneed in the balls is very interesting. I wonder how many people who are persistently late would stop if they knew there would be painful consequences to it.

I’ve given up waiting for people who are late & then given a tinkly laugh about them not being on time. It’s bloody infuriating that I’ve managed to get myself somewhere on time, my time is just as important as yours!
I’ve let some friendships slide due to this, I wait 10 minutes & if they haven’t arrived I move on & get on with things.

I bet you’ve never missed a flight for a holiday! If you can do that on time, there’s absolutely no reason to be late for anything else!

A friend used to claim she could get from A to B in 15mins. Well maybe yes if you start in the car seatbelt on and class arriving as the moment you pull up. She was smug about her ability to pack a lot into a day. But we all facilitated her by waiting around!

In reality you have to faff about getting in and out of the car, gathering belongings etc.

Aim to arrive early especially for a train- there will always be something. If you worry about wasting time, plan something to do while you wait. I often plan to check emails, research x etc but rarely do as in reality the wait is never that long.

Start getting ready at 11 as your plan required. When you are ready with the bag, shoes and umbrella by the door, that’s when you might have a few minutes to load the dishwasher.

The priority is being ready. The other jobs happen after that priority has been achieved.

“Despite my planning i screwed it up again.”

You made a plan yes but you didn’t stick to it, that’s where you went wrong

You've had good advice about reducing the faffing and allowing more time. I'd add "have something to do on the platform". I do a LOT of emails on my phone, and also keep a rolling list of admin tasks for dead time (e.g. find new broadband provider, get present for X). I rush into my "dead time" knowing I have a bunch of tasks I need to do, so I'm pleased to be 15 min early because I get more done that I won't need to do when I get back home. If you like keeping busy, that approach might reduce your wish to faff before setting off. In similar circumstances it's most likely that I would have paused the email and rushed to get ready so that I could finish it on the platform.

I am not advocating kneeing in the balls but equally I don't have time to think about the motivation of constantly late people. They may not think they are more important. But the net effect is the same so I don't care.

You delayed and procrastinated and wondered how you ended up late? You’ve just explained exactly why people detest those that are persistently late, you had the time and the ability to organise and fucked it for yourself.

You're problem is you're leaving it way too late in the first place. Seriously, getting out of bed an hour before the train when you already had other things to do before leaving? People who are consistently late are usually chaotic in their mindset. Your problem here is your own time management, or lack thereof. Nobody who knows they have an important meeting they have to be on a specific train for leaves it an hour before the train leaves before getting out of bed. What if you got stuck in roadworks or there was some other delay getting to the station?

I really struggle with this too.

I try my best to do things the night before.

My biggest issue is I will factor in ‘getting ready’ to be 30 minutes having a shower, hair, makeup… but won’t have factored in packing a bag, putting shoes on, finding keys. Then there is traffic, an unexpected phone call, not being able to find a parking space etc.

I’ve always been this way. It’s almost like my brain categorises things into time slots but cannot factor in anything that might happened that is unplanned or those small menial tasks like putting my coat on.

But you clearly do know how to plan time because you made a plan. The problem is when the time comes you ignore the plan. You didn’t need to do all the other things that made you late. If you can’t perceive time well in the actual moment then you need to do what you initially did and plan ahead and then be resolute about not deviating from it in any way when the time comes.

I’m early for everything by at least ten minutes unless circumstances outside my control get in the way. In your scenario I would have been out the house by 11.30 at the very latest possibly a bit earlier if I knew parking can be an issue.

At the point when you said “oh I’ve got loads of time” your should have been thinking “I may feel as though I have loads of time, but I have learned from experience that I have not.” Then you should have stuck to your own plan. We learn through cause and effect.

Your situation and methods are probably about 5% or less of those who are always late.

Every single Covid press conference started late, and I doubt if all of those who led them have the same issues as you. As noted by another poster, peoples seem to be able to get a flight in time.

No you haven't got time blindness you lack self discipline.

I got myself into the habit of if I'm ready I go. Even if that means I'm very early. Otherwise, I get distracted and then I'm late