An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

From what I read, it sounds like op had to actually search for these items beforehand which I assume took up so much time. Regardless of how long putting things in the dishwasher takes, I wouldn’t be doing it when I should actually be walking out of the door to catch a train. All this could have been done before.

Now you know that, from the time you think "ok ready to go" to the time you walk out the door, is about 15 min, assuming you've already touched up your makeup. So just factor that in. If you want to be in your car by 11:40, you need to be "walking out the door" at 11:25. Somehow it takes 15 min to get from your door to the car, but it's ok because you already accounted for it in your plan.

Oh, I also sent the early birthday recipient a bunch of my random Amazon shopping. Already embarrassed about getting the date wrong, I haven't told him I was in such a tizz about sending his gift on the right day (I thought) that I ran out of brain power before checking the delivery address 😬

He must've worked out why he received a shipment of lip balm, hand lotion and suchlike but he hasn't mentioned it!

Set up a spreadsheet and break down every element. When I used to take my horse to competitions I had every element listed with a time to complete. I'd put the time for my first event in and it would tell me what time I needed to get up to arrive on time, with a time for each element so I knew I was on track.

So, by way of example:

• 12pm catch train
• 11.50 arrive at train station - allows for unexpected traffic or train running early
• 11.45 walk to station 2 mins
• drive to parking and park 5 mins (small allowance for unexpected delays like finding a park or parking further away than you expected)
• 11.40 walk out front door
• 11.30 find keys, check everything in bags, lock up
• 11.15 - check hair and makeup
• 11.00 stop work, pack up, pack bag for going out

You could set yourself an alarm for each key thing to stay on track - I'd do one for the first 4 steps. If you aren't at the next step when the alarm goes off, drop what you're doing and start that step.

For me getting ready of a morning, I pick my clothes first thing / the night before, give myself 15 mins for hair and makeup, 5 minutes to put dogs away and give them bones for the morning. So I can be out in around 20 mins, faster if I rush it. I don't need to check my work bag as it has everything I need in it and I'm very much everything in it's place. My keys are by the front door in a box, so never move. If I take a different bag then I pack it the night before and double check before I start getting ready.

It's practise to know how long YOU take to do each step. Don't worry about how long others take, you can only work with your times. If you practise sticking to your times it will become a habit and you will need to think about it less.

You have a train to catch at 12 and you aim to leave at 11.40!
That's not planning that's gambling!

I have to zip my mouth here and check myself because I get ridiculously wound up by people who are constantly late.

I spoke to my husband the other day about it. He has ADHD. I said how come you have all the other traits of adhd but you are never late. He said years ago he was late meeting his then girlfriend. He had been repeatedly late to their rendezvous and she had enough and kneed him in the balls. He was never late for anything again.

Perhaps you just kneeing in the . I mean if you think it's a big enough problem you will correct it.

I was late occasionally.
I worked alone in the office.
Then the boss hired her nephew.
I walked in one morning and he came and sat down in front of my desk and announced, “It’s 9:01.”
I sooo wanted to tell him to fuck right off — but I couldn’t, because he was the boss’s nephew.
So I looked at him and congratulated him on being 30-yrs-old and being able to tell time.
He didn’t bother me much after that.
Arsehole.

This thread hasn't made me any more sympathetic towards late people. Rather the reverse.

But you know you don’t have loads of time as you keep messing up so adjust yourself. Get there early and say to yourself I got there early. Take some responsibility.

I mean if you think it's a big enough problem you will correct it.

Sure. Just like dyslexic people could spell if they'd just use a dictionary, people with dyspraxia should practice throwing & catching a ball (incidentally, I can't do that either), and autism can be corrected.

I’m the same, OP. ADHD means it is simply impossible for me to keep track of time in any form.

I live by multiple alarms as PP suggested but my best solution was to marry an autistic man - that is why I’m currently sitting in a departure lounge an hour earlier than is necessary.

I’ve not missed a flight or train since I outsourced “leaving” to him. As long as we are travelling together, if it’s just me I still do a lot of “skin of my teeth” travel.

It is very frustrating.

An obvious thing you could have saved time on was ‘touching up hair & make up’. If that’s important you could have done it earlier in the morning. Or leave earlier &
do when you get to destination,

Ypu didn’t need to put mugs in dishwasher.

Ehen you have free to get a train your focus needs to be on the platform 15 minutes in advance. Sometimes that will mean that despite everything you run out of time & have to leave time items.

Even I find it difficult sometimes to 'see' time and process it but that's why I have trained myself and never take the time it takes to actually leave the house for granted. In this situation, you have seem to have not learnt from your previous mistakes and are very casual about when you will leave, rather than being more proactive and prompt. You should have actually been sitting fully ready- hair, makeup, kept your bag fully packed, put away cups, feed dog etc. BEFORE even sitting down to check emails. Technically you were never going to be on time, as you still had loads of tasks to do. For a 12pm train, you should actually be at the station at 11.30, not leave the house at 11.40.
You need to stop overestimating how efficient you are and work on the fact that every little thing takes time.

I usually aim to be half an hour early for trains - most of the time that means I’ve got time to relax with a coffee & book.

But when I need that time, for instance when I’ve had to dash back for my phone or getting to the station has taken twice as long as usual for some reason, I’ve really needed it.

You have two problems you are disorganised and you set your alarm too early which gives the impression you have time to spare.

When you know you need to go out collect all of your things together in the morning when you get dressed, including umbrella judt keep one in your bag always. Don't open windows, unlock doors etc either then you won't need to lock up too.

Then no touching up make up, no searching for things judt grt up and go. Your faffing makes you late, be organisedx and short of time and just go.

I used to have a husband who was persistently late. If he was picking me up from work at 8pm, he would leave the house at 8pm and eventually rock up at 8.45. At the time I didn't drive. Once I learned to drive he was still aiming to leave at the time we were supposed to be anywhere, so I'd just be in the car and drive off, leaving the very confused idiot wondering how he'd get to his mothers birthday dinner, for example.

I don't accommodate lateness at all now. It's rude. It's unnecessary. Do better. You know you have a problem, figure it out, don't make it other people's issue. Be early. But suspect you don't want your time to be wasted having to hang around.
Everything was a struggle with this man. So I divorced him.
I can't understand you would plan to leave at 11.40 knowing you would have issues parking and are already repeatedly late for everything.

This is the mistake late people mistake - they hate 'hanging about' waiting. Its not wasted time, its punctuality.

People are never all going to arrive within a minute of each other, so someone has to be first and do the waiting. Every time you are late you just push the 'hanging around' onto the others you are meeting, so that its never you hanging around waiting its them. And that's selfish

I think you looked for reasons to prevaricate.

I think that if you know you’re consistently late, one thing you really need to do is tell people that when arranging to meet up with them, especially if it’s for something time-specific like a restaurant meal or a film. It’s only fair.

Why did you set an alarm if you weren’t going g to stick to it? Had you done, you would have been fine.

Same.

💯 I hate hanging around as well, but I don't want to be late or stressed waiting

My time keeping used to be bad. You can’t really excuse it - ADHD or not

i get l everything ready the night before any journey on a train or where i must not be late. That includes shoes or umbrellas or checking my bike or whatever. Everything - including tights so they don’t have holes!

in terms of day to day, you need longer than you think to allow for faffs or breaks such as the post man or neighbour randomly asking a question. Buffer that in. Always keep wallets and phones in the same place.- my husband is late due to this.

there is no excuse for lateness and I say that as someone routinely late or nearly late for years.

I love how some posters time is wasted hanging about but whoever they meet has all the time in the world.

I have a friend who I love very much, BUT she is just like yourself. I have learned that meet at 1pm means 1.30pm so I have resorted to adjusting my own timing accordingly rather than let it ruin the friendship. I see how she allows it to happen though....distraction upon distraction thrown in with mild disorganisation and then blended together with a busy life (which we all have) results in awful timekeeping.
Lateness is an extremely irritating trait and employers etc hate it- it's something that you really ought to learn to control because it comes across to others as dizzy and disorganised (no offence intended ).Just plan your day earlier...11am is far too late to start thinking about getting ready to catch a train at 12 unless you've got all of your other ducks in a row prior to 11am!

I have the opposite to this. I am always (far too) early for everything and despite my best efforts never manage to be on time. I massively overestimate how long things are going to take to do and always arrive far too much in advance for meetings, trains etc.

So I guess I understand because as much as my brain knows that I'm being early, it sort of overrides it. Much, I guess, as yours does being late.