An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

I feel like I could have written this post! I seem to manage to be late for everything, including appointments and important meetings. I even missed a flight once.

i absolutely hate the feeling of being late, it makes me feel awful - embarrassed and stressed to be rushing. It is not something i purposely do, I just always think I have more time than I do and end up setting off late. It annoys me when people say it’s ‘selfish’ and that late people ‘value their time more than others’ because this is simply not true at all, for me it’s a genuine problem and not something I would ever intentionally do.

For those saying that the OP should have done all of those little last minute tasks much earlier in the morning, I think you’re missing the point. If all of that stuff was already done, when OP saw the time was 11:30am she would likely have decided she had loads of time left so may as well hang out the washing, quickly hoover, or put the bins out. It’s almost like a compulsion to ensure you don’t waste any time, which then causes the lateness.

I am not trying to claim it’s okay to be late, just that it very often happens unintentionally, despite best efforts to be on time.

I don't know why you didn't stop working at 11 since you'd already planned that 11 was the time you needed to stop working. That's what I would have done because that was my plan. What went through your mind when the alarm went off and you decided to ignore your previous planning and make a new plan on the spot? That's the bit you need to work out.

oh well I will unintentionally leave then. I have a compulsion that does not allow me to wait for the late unless a very good reason.

Yes, YOUR time not anyone else's time.

IME late people are inherently self-centred and consider their time more important.

OP, you could have just let at 11.32 not faffed around with the dishwasher and kissing the dog.

I prefer hanging around and relaxing to the feeling of rushing and panic.

Arrive 15 minutes early and build in time to do something you will enjoy. Buy a coffee on the station. Take a book to read. Spend some time on Mumsnet on your phone.

Then if you arrive “late” for your planned 15 minutes of relaxation time, you will still be in time to catch the train.

I'm exactly the same op. I need to leave for work at 820. I'll get up at 7 to exercise, have breakfast, dress. I'll be ready at 8.10 so I'll sit and have a coffee. Get up at 8.20 to give dog a treat, put shoes on and leave. But then I'll remember there's wet washing that needs pegging or I've not printed a file I needed or dog needs a wee. So I'll do those last bits get in car at 832. I'm now late for work.

It's a combination of thinking I have ages and forgetting key things I need to do until it's too late.

I also try to cram too much into a day, so say I have 2 hours before I'm meeting a friend I'll think oh I need to nip to supermarket, I'll call and put petrol in and get my prescription, then walk dog . Then I'll do washing and prep the tea. I genuinely don't understand why I end up rushing.

I am autistic and I suspect I have ADHD.

Being on time requires sacrificing some free time. So the 10-15 mins wasn't wasted time, it was time needed to make sure you're not late. I'd much sooner eliminate the stress by having some 'wait time' than getting to the position the OP had where it was suddenly 13 mins left to catch that train.

what would you have been able to do with that 10-15 mins anyway. Not a lot.

I think when people are late all the time it’s passive aggressive. Unless they are consistently late to catch flights or other really important stuff, they are not that bothered about making people wait for their arrival.

You can dress it up all you want @deviantfeline but you’re a grown adult who knew you hadn’t done your hair/make up etc and knew the car park got full. I would have planned to be at the car park at 11.45, I would have done my hair and make up before starting work, I would have allowed plenty of time to do the journey.

I’ve did this a couple of times in my life when I was younger lol thankfully most of my friends aren’t too bad with timekeeping.

I’m ND and have issues with being on time but everyone around thinks I’m someone who is naturally punctual. I’m not - I worked hard at it and often arrive places early to compensate!

Since getting Alexa I find setting multiple alarms useful . Also if I need to meet someone at 11am, and I’m 20 minutes train ride away from the city I’d aim to get say the 10:10am train instead of the 10:30 train.

A bit baffled by people seeing arriving somewhere early as wasting time. Just relax happy in the knowledge you haven’t missed any of your event /appointment or annoyed or inconvenienced a friend and grab a coffee or read a book or catch up on emails.

I had a couple of selfish friends I rarely meet up with now - both of them I used to ask repeatedly to tell me if they were running late so I could adjust my leaving time, and they never would update me until the last minute when I’d already left my house only to find out they were going to be like an hour late or something.

Also had to sack off two driving instructors for being persistently late.

What fascinated me most about your OP is how you planned getting there at 12am, for a train that is leaving at 12am.

It seems like the the aim is to be exactly "on time"or late. The planning (and carry out of getting there) is built around not having to spend time waiting. That's the aim of the game. Doesn't matter if that causes things to be missed or others to have to wait.

To be on time you build in a contingency period for every stage and accept you might be early. Build in the plan a period where you might be able read a book, listen to a podcast or have a coffee. Its the contingency period that gets sacrificed where other things take longer due to reasons beyond your control take longer than they usually do. (That means you don't think "I've got plenty of time so I can do my hair or wash the cat or whatever". That's a delay you control." If you hadn't factored in washing the cat between your 11am alarm and getting to the station, don't do it.

Round time it takes to do things up not down in the time planning.

Round time you have available to get here down not up when actually going places.

I don't know if you are in England probably not as it was a holiday yesterday but you can't really rely on the trains. I would have got the train at 11am so I wouldn't be late and done the hours work at the other end. I'm lucky that trains to London are every 10 mins where I live, but I always aim for a train twenty mins early to allow for any problems. I can't abide being late. And I never am

It's not wasted, it is time well used to ensure you're where you need to be in good time and good shape.

If you want to use the time additionally, read a book, listen to a podcast, whatever.

Cutting it to the wire isn't an efficient use of time as it drives up stress and has high cost when it goes wrong.

You've started this thread as an insight so I have a question - you decide that you need to start getting ready at 11, which is why you set an alarm. Why then, at 11, do you decide you were wrong, and actually you've got loads of time and you don't need to start getting ready yet? Why change your mind on the plan you've carefully made?

You say you were ‘ready to go’ at 11.32. But you weren’t. You didn’t have your shoes or coat on, didn’t have your handbag organised, didn’t have your keys and hadn’t tidied up. How can you possibly think you were ‘ready to go’ when you simply were not?

I have an autistic son. I'm never late for the school run because he has to have breakfast at 730, dress at 750, shoes on bag etc 8am leave at 810.

Picking him up I am always running

I would say don’t ignore your alarm. That’s where it all started for you. When the alarm goes off, that’s when you get ready.

If I know the train leaves at 12pm, I plan to arrive at the station at 11:45. Then I factor in school traffic/car park being full/whatever, so add 15 minutes for contingencies. So I leave at 11:30 knowing I have got enough time for things outside my control.

I think you need to write a list of things you need to do or be prepared for well ahead of time. Is umbrella by the door? All my stuff ready to go? Need a makeup refresh? Factor that in.

In your circumstance, I would have begun to get ready at 10:30 and then if I was ready with plenty of time, finish the email and do the dishwasher.

I think you didn’t leave enough time, then you ignored your alarm.

Well, it's not wasted, is it? It's time spent making sure you are on time, calm and collected.

And besides, if you're making other people wait 10-15 minutes because you're late, why is it ok for them to waste their time, but yours is somehow more precious?

This is what I don't get. Why bother setting the alarm if you ignore it every time?

Look, I'm genuinely not being snarky, just curious, but surely if you've been doing the exact same thing a certain way every time (eg ignoring the alarm) and are constantly late doesnt that indicate that what you're doing isnt working? why keep doing it then?

Its like, if I constantly touch the oven when its on and it burns me, why would I then keep doing it?

This is what I dont get. I think the problem here is that you are ignoring the alarm. You have planned out your time well and with care but then you ignore the alarm and the whole thing goes to shit.

I do understand time blindness is a thing but it causes me anxiety to be waiting for someone who is late and that affects my mental health so hence why I leave if someone is late. From the other side, it honestly feels awful to be sitting waiting for someone who is really late on a consistent basis.

OP, did you ever see Wait But Why’s posts on lateness and procrastination? https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/07/why-im-always-late.html My favourite bit is that he is in denial of how time works and only remembers the quickest time it ever took to do something. So packing is always a five minute task to him. It doesn’t matter how many times it takes at least 20, it’s forever in his head five minutes.

Completely agree with this, people who turn up late so as to not waste their own time, but are happy to leave the other person sat wasting their time whilst they wait. Rude and disrespectful.

I suspect I have adhd and am always ridiculously early for things for the same reason.

This is exactly how my ADHD time blindness works as well.

It is a persistent, ongoing, uphill battle for me to overcome. One of the few things that helps is leaving myself absolutely the bare minimum to prepare on the day I have to leave. So the night before I have a meeting or a social occasion or whatever I do absolutely everything I can think of to get me out of the door the next day - make my lunch, pack my bag, put my shoes at the front door, lay out my clothes, lay out the makeup I plan to wear, choose my jewellery, etc. I try to automate the process to the highest degree.

And even then if something comes up outwith my control that I have to deal with before I leave it can completely throw me because I seem to be blind to the length of time things actually take to complete. I deeply understand your feeling that something can seem like it took two minutes but fifteen minutes have passed.

I hate being late and it makes me feel so guilty and anxious, so I expend a huge amount of energy (like you) in trying to avoid it but it truly is a battle.

I think sometimes people who don’t struggle with lateness think that those who are late are just sitting at home being lazy and thinking ‘fuck everyone else, I’m more important’. It doesn’t feel that way at all to me, I’m generally trying SO hard and still fucking up and feeling awful despite that effort.

She could do whatever emails or work admin she was faffing with prior to departure that made her miss the train?

That's what I do as the autistic can never be late side of me overrides the adhd side as the stress of being late stresses me so much

I mean she made a perfect plan that would prob have worked if hadn't ignored the plan x

I just have absolutely everything ready to go in the morning so I can get up at 5.47 and get the 6.13 work train. So bag totally packed except lunch, shoes by door, keys in coat pocket, work id and stethoscope hanging on coat so can't forget it. Get up and dressed. Brush teeth as walking down 3 sets of stairs (stupid house) turn kettle on (filled kettle and teabag in cup from night before). Spit toothpaste. Splash cleanser on face if time. Blob of moisturiser on face. Out door rub moisturiser on face as walk the 8min to station, swipe oyster that's on back of work lanyard, get on train

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag

What's the point of wasting 23 minutes of your getting ready time? There's no point setting an alarm if you don't pay attention to it

I could have written this OP!!

The last 15 mins before I need to shut my laptop off are a flurry of activity, all the jobs that need finishing jump to mind and I can suddenly hyperfocus (if only the rest of my working day could be like this!). I never leave work on time.

From your timings... you decided you need to leave 11.40 ish and left at 11.47... which isn't that far off target (especially with a dreaded ish allowing you to give yourself a bit of leeway!) So I would add 10 mins to your planned departure and remove the ish when you're telling yourself the time.

If you needed to finish work at 11 to get ready I'd have set a 10.45 alarm to warn me start wrapping up and an 11am one to switch off the laptop. Even then though I'd probably have smugly congratulated myself on 'having loads of time' and though 'I'll just pop a load of laundry on' and wasted it all doing something else!! 😆)

I'm always 5-10 mins late and feel like a flustered bag lady 99% of the time!

I can't abide lateness. I'm the kind of person who would rather be an hour early than one minute late. I hate rushing and getting myself stressed so I always build much more tone into my plan than I need. For example it takes me 22 minutes to drive to work so I could leave at 8.35 and have 3 minutes spare. But I always leave no later than 8.15 which gives me 20 minutes spare for any delays. I don't see this as wasted time, rather as a relaxing buffer if I get there early.

Your plan would've worked if you hadn't ended up adding stuff to your plan; hair, make-up, dog etc. In future you need to build a time contingency in. So if everything takes 40 minutes with no distraction, add in another 20 to account for these.