An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

This.

You set your alarm at 11am for a reason.

If you then mentally override it and tell yourself 11:15 will be fine, you're taking away 15 minutes that you had allocated yourself to make sure you were on time.

And then you end up asking yourself what happened between 11:32 and 11:47. Well, that's exactly 15 minutes.

You did well with setting the alarm but then you ignored it! You need to be more disciplined in actually paying attention to the alarm.

Also I dont think you left enough time to get to the station, especially since you had to be on that train as there wasn't another for an hour. Always aim to be where you need to be 10 minutes early to allow for unexpected occurrences (eg the pedestrian crossing) so you have to be at the station for 10.50am and make sure you actually stick to the alarms that you set. Absolutely no point setting them if you are going to ignore them. Also maybe set multiple alarms at 5 minutes intervals to account for the loosing time when you get distracted by other things eg loading dishwasher.

These things are the things that everyone has to do or manage. There isn't a magic solution other than knowing what you need to do , likely time it'll take and then adding in a bit of contingency time and prioratising that thing. I think having a watch helps keep to time ,otherwise faffing with phone and alarms. My husband is always late or scraping in at the last minute. I find it disrespectful and stressful.

You just described my husband. Made even worse now we have children. All the getting the kids ready falls to me because he thinks he has plenty of time. Even when I tell him he doesn't stop - 'I'll just finish this'. It's like he just can't see what the priorities are - 'I just need to wash this cup'.

I'm so worried the kids will end up the same way because they see his chaos and think its normal.

Not commenting on the OP (as I don't know them), but this is a perfect description of my ex-H. No ADHD (narcissistic personality disorder instead!), just utterly selfish. I am a naturally early person, and there were times when his persistent and careless lateness nearly broke me.

This is me. I struggle to be on actual time because I keep trying to squeeze things in last minute, so I’m always super early just in case. My clocks are also all a few minutes early. I learnt to do this after kids because I never wanted my kids to be late for school like I always was. Knowing that 12 was the absolute latest train I could catch I would have probably caught the 11:00 one and just carried on with my work wherever I was going. I know that sounds extra but I also know that the temptation to sabotage myself and miss the 12 I clock would be too much. It actually gives me an immense sense of satisfaction and calm to be super early and mentally prepared rather than the stressed out/frazzled feeling of always being late.

Thanks for sharing OP but it doesn’t really change my view as I sort of assume that is the thought process for when people are running late. A good friend is always late and she always dashes in saying sorry I just started X (getting down the Christmas decs/deep cleaning the downstairs loo/hoovering the car/Googling next years holiday) as I was about to leave. Why would you do that?! I love her and accept it but for less established friendships if they were late 2 or more times I’d sack them off these days. If does feel disrespectful to the wait-er even if that’s not the intention.

This thread was a stressful read for me. I appreciate the OP giving an insight into the mind of someone who is always late and hope they don't feel too scolded.

I recognise the thought processes and occasionally succumb to them myself but I'm generally early, sometimes ridiculously so. My best friend, who is always late, maintains that we both have ADHD but that I overcompensate for it. I'm not sure about this myself.

I once had a ringside view of her thinking process when she cooked us dinner before a trip to the cinema, which involved my driving us through the city centre at rush hour.

Around the time I would have been getting ready to leave, she was putting raw chicken into the oven. I couldn't believe my eyes and decided to just buckle up for the ride, giving up all hope of seeing the film. It was a fascinating insight into how her mind worked.

In case you think I was being unkind on that occasion, she has kept me waiting well past agreed meeting times for hours and hours down the years, and has raised my blood pressure on many time-sensitive occasions.

I love my friend dearly but my heart sinks when I need to arrange a simple meeting time with her because it's such a complicated negotiation compared with other friends. Since she accepted her self-diagnosed ADHD, she cannot promise to be at such a place at such a time tomorrow, and tends to update me on the day when she's leaving the house so she's not late (in her own mind). It's maddening, as my own day's planning then goes up in smoke.

@LegacyFroof

I’m not usually ever late and my thinking would be:

My bag fully packed night before / in advance. Ready to grab and go.

30 mins to get ready usually, so I will start at 45 mins to allow for contingency

Outfit prepped the night before. Only ironed clothes in the wardrobe etc. including shoes, umbrella, jacket.

Traffic is always possible (although I would have researched average travel times at that time of day using Waze), I will leave 10 minutes earlier.

Parking is often difficult, I will leave another 10 minutes earlier. I will also have likely researched and / or planned my parking in advance. I’d have a plan and a back up plan, and allow contingency beyond that back up.

The phone rings as I’m leaving, I either don’t answer, or say ‘I will call you back’ and hang up.

All my timings including a contingency at every stage.

I never think, 'I need to be at the station for 12 o'clock' if I am catching a 12 o'clock train. I think, 'I need to be at the station for 11.45.' It's a 25 minute drive to the station, but I know I have to park and walk from the car park to the platform, so I would allow at least 35 minutes for my journey. I also get everything ready, before faffing about doing last minute stuff. I use any waiting around time to send emails/do online supermarket shopping/stay on top of contacting friends/read. It's really not that hard. But I do think at the bottom of it is getting away from the idea that you have to be at the station for 12. You have to be there by 11.45.

This is exactly how DH and DD are. Both are being assessed for adhd.

The post about the boyfriend who learned to be in time after he was kneed in the balls is very interesting. I wonder how many people who are persistently late would stop if they knew there would be painful consequences to it

When I was in uni I had a classmate who was late to every single lecture. It was like she made it a personality quirk, she would swoop in about 5 minutes after the lecture had started, long coat sweeping behind her, making quite the entrance and causing a disruption. One year, after a few weeks of this, one old-school professor started locking the door before he began. Funnily enough, my classmate was able to be on time for his lectures after that, though she continued to be late for other ones.

I absolutely refuse to believe that all latecomers have ADHD.

In this scenario you weren’t late as you still managed to get your train and to your business meeting on time. How are you when you are meeting friends?

I find my annoyance comes when people can be on time for things they are being paid to do but not for socialising.

So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

Your biggest error was ignoring your alarm for 23 minutes! The 11:00 alarm meant 'Get ready now!', not 'Deal with emails'. You should have done all you needed to do to be ready straight away at 11:00 (except kissing the dog!). Then if you have loads of time left at the end, you could answer an email.

The key point is that there's no such thing as having plenty of extra time unless you've already done everything you need to do to be ready to go!

@NewNameNoelle The trouble is, whilst in hindsight I can think, ‘I should have planned for traffic’, in the moment I just don’t factor it in. There’s so much for me to remember (driving, parking, getting ready, what to bring etc.) my brain just can’t plan for it and remember it all! I just don’t think about it at the time.

OP - are you me?! 😅 I could have written your post word for word

I have ADHD- I imagine everything as being required earlier

The 11am would have been too late for me, I would have set it at 10.30 with the plan to leave at 11.15, giving myself 15 minutes spare to definitely leave at 11.30.

I keep busy whilst waiting, for example sending that email.

Last week we went out, train due at 11.12am, 15 minute tops to drive to the station.
I packed my bag before bed, made a picnic and put it in the fridge, put my clothes on a hanger on front of wardrobe, socks inside shoes on the floor next to it.
Up at 7.30am, washed, dressed, hair and make up. 8.15 breakfast, add picnic to bag, admin tasks after breakfast to fill spare time.
Leave house at 10.30, drive to station, park and on platform at 10.55. Just nice time for a leisurely coffee before the train arrived. It was easy because I planned it and stuck to the plan

I think you have to realise everything takes time.
You don't have magic minutes.
You're only counting the big tasks,like finding your shoes,keys.
You're not allowing for minor tasks.
Things like putting cups in dishwasher, kissing the dog.
That's why you're shocked by the time jump from 11.30 to 11.47.

I would leave a full 5 minutes for kissing the dog. They are cute and take more time than required.

You set the alarm then ignored it and didn't start to prepare. It's pretty basic actually.

I am always early. My plan would have gone;

Train at 11, 5 mins drive away. I need to factor in an extra 5 mins for traffic, 5 to park / get ticket and I don’t want to be late so if I leave at 20 to I should be fine. I’ll get all my stuff together with the aim of being ready, dressed, shoes on and keys in hand for 11:30 so I have time for a last wee.

I would then leave when ready even if it was early so would undoubtedly be found sat on the platform at least 20 minutes early!!

You originally planned leave time was already far too late in my books!!

I am the opposite to you, OP - I am chronically early to things because I'm afraid of being late. I can tell you straight away what I'd have done differently - I'd have got the 11am train, not the 12pm one.

Aside from that, I'd have left at half past the hour. All the bag packing/make-up/hair would have been done first thing in the morning, so when the time came to leave, it would be pick up bag and go. Keys, umbrella, anything else would be out and ready to pick up.

When the time came to leave it would be a 'hard stop' - not finishing off emails. I'd have an eye on the time and wouldn't start a new email that I knew I wouldn't be able to finish on time.

Not saying do it my way because being early leads to wasted time, but the best tip I can give for getting ready is, get ready early but as if you are leaving at that point - so you don't leave all the keys, umbrella finding till the last minute, you are in a position to walk straight out of the house when you've planned to.

I work to a clock and stick with it like a German train. Never late and don't wait more than 15 minutes for friends who are late.