An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

My partner gets over stimulated but hates being late.
If you can manage to hold down jobs and run a household, you can manage to be on time.

I do the same. I'm not going to delay my next client because the previous one was late – why would I favour the person who doesn't seem to value my time over the one who clearly does? There's no business sense in doing that.

Late clients still get charged the full amount, obviously, because I was there on time and ready to start. Why should I lose money over someone else's lateness?

Cared about whom? She only inconvenienced herself.

Your partner isn't representative of everyone with executive function difficulties like time keeping. You're just showing yourself up with your narrow-mindedness now.

And even though he knows there's been multiple house fires he's not stepping up? What are the fire service saying? Surely it's a safeguarding issue?

I think she gets around it by sticking to take aways and microwave meals where possible, but its far from ideal, it's not nutritious and it's very costly.

He doesn't see his children so it's safe to assume he doesn't care.

I do not know the level of involvement with the fire services, but she has no social care involvement following these instances.

@Mumofnarnia @DoreenonTill8 Yes! I'm expected to be just on time every day and when I'm early I just get these comments, so I stick to my usual start to the day.

@RootToVictory that's nothing to the things that are said in the office all day.... In fact, I was toning down the actual comment out of politeness on here 😫

Sorry to derail op thread but that's scary. She should contact the fire service for a home assessment. Are the children old enough to get themselves out if there is another fire?

but you didn't plan. You should have been up earlier and planned to be there earlier (especially if you know you have a tendency to be late). Why not plan to arrive at 11:30?

Why don't you? If there are no consequences as you describe and the meeting doesn't start anyway then turn up at 11, see what happens.

It might save you being so frustrated.

OP, I sympathise with all of those stages of thought processes (I have ADHD) but I am never late. I just start getting ready 30 mins earlier.

I learned to do this very early in life when I got an absolute bollocking from teacher I admired at a masterclass I attended, when he said: 'Being late is telling other people they don't matter. That your time is more precious than theirs because you are more important than them, so it is okay for you to inconvenience them, hold them up, make them run late too, because they are subservient to you.' It was so far removed from how I actually thought that I was mortified and just set my internal mental clock half an hour early from then on.

A year later, I started dating a man who was always late and it was true p he behaved as though the world revolved around him. Trains should wait for him, airline staff should let him through closed gates, I should stand in a freezing street corner in a flimsy party dress etc etc. I realised how right my tutor had been. the reason behind your lateness might be ADHD or similar but the effect on others is that you have a massive ego.

I am now always early for everything. DC used to get to saunter to school, looking at wild life. I get to browse bookshops before meeting friends etc. Give it a try.

I would too, especially if it's 45 minutes late!

5 minutes I can live with, although someone might not be able to if they eg need to get a particular train or bus.

It really is outrageous to think that people should stay late at work because other people couldn't be bothered to get to a meeting in time.

I think the shorter delays are a control thing. People want to look busy and important and they are late because they were at another meeting. It just annoys me. Same when people cancel the meeting they've got with you because they want to have a meeting with someone more important instead. You just say "sorry that slot doesn't work for me, when can we get together instead". But a lot of people seem to be incapable of doing that.

Don't understand this post. Op is admitting she has a problem, and you are telling her -dress it up all you want but.
It seems like some posters are projecting and getting upset with op for their real life experiences.

So the key thing is you think you are ready when you haven’t got your keys, your coat and shoes, or your umbrella, and you also add little things like putting your cup in the dishwasher and kissing the dog goodbye. So you had 15 minutes of faffing to do at 1132 and 8 minutes to do it in. I suggest you always put your shoes, coat, keys, and umbrella in the same place when you get in. Should bring the faffing down a bit.

But I would not kiss the dog goodbye and give her a treat and put my cup in the dishwasher at all, having neither dog nor dishwasher, so I can’t advise you on that.

All the people late leaving their house.
What happens if someone is late arriving to your house.
Are you annoyed.
And if you are ,Why

No.

Only if there's something that has to be done at a certain time. Otherwise, I just take note, so that next time I know to expect it.

TBH, where I live, it's culturally normal for people to be at least 10 mins late, so I would never (for instance) make food that can't wait.

If it's just someone visiting for a social event then who cares - apart perhaps from the kids who are eager to see whoever it is.

Now, the plumber who's fixing a leak in my heating, and never comes on the day he says, at least twice before he finally arrives, and doesn't even sms to tell me he's not coming - that's a bit annoying. I understand being busy (and even just not wanting to come today), but to leave it to me to chase at 4pm when they said they'd come in the morning, is a bit of a pain (although, if he doesn't come he won't get paid, but it's still me and the kids suffering because he doesn't keep an appointment)

Oh! Not that I am ever late. I have got very good at factoring kids' faffing and know exactly when shoes and socks time should start so that we're out the door and at wherever on time.

OK, have a longer answer 😆

Friends and family -
Them: I'm running late.
Me: Good! Me, too.
Them: Should be about half an hour.
Me: OK, no rush!

~ They arrive an hour later, I'm all set, everyone's happy.

Delivery person -
Them: Sorry, I'll be 25 minutes late.
Me: Fine, thanks for letting me know.

~ Stuff arrives at the stated time and, for once, I'm fully dressed to answer the door.

Maintenance people -
Me: The person I was expecting this morning hasn't turned up.
Them: Sorry, we've got a staff shortage [as usual]
Me: Will they come this afternoon?
Them: Not sure, would you like to re-book?
Me: How about tomorrow afternoon?

~ I'm mildly pissed off that they didn't tell me, but now I know I need to manage another night without the thing that was going to be fixed.

In short, no (I said this already, didn't I?) I can live with flexible, approximate timing FAR more easily than rigid, on-the-dot scheduling.

Oh, unless it's an emergency service!

Me: My house is on fire / I'm having a heart attack / I'm being assaulted.
Them: Too busy, can't attend for two hours.
Me: Oh, dear ... [dies]

~ Even I can leap into action for a true emergency. In this case, however, I've got no feelings about the lateness because I'm dead.

I'm always late or just on time. I will get up/ready to leave at the absolute latest time possible where I can still make it. But then if anything delays me, like traffic or lost my keys then I'm late. I don't know why I'm like this because in every other aspect of my life I'm really organised.

I've decided I'm going to leave on time instead. I'm hoping if enough people do it they'll start on time in future!

I haven’t justified lateness and have found strategies that work for me, but what you are describing is true for me, although in my case, mostly hidden.

I still struggle with unexpected calls and need to ignore them and call the person back as these have led to eg pan burning dry, other accidents.

Alarms and reminders/timers work as I don’t allow myself to ignore them and also don’t allow myself to deviate from the plan I have. I stick to the thing I’m doing. My brain might throw out all sorts of ‘good’ ideas which I follow at my peril!

My alarms are based on the longest time it has ever taken me to do something, if things take a shorter time they do, but I don’t add anything in.

Unfortunately what you describe is real though.

@Nadeed, I started typing a reply to your question and then deleted it because [a] it was upsetting and [b] I don't see why I should expose the depths of my dysfunctional life to a bunch of narrow-minded arseholes who just want to jeer and shame.

You wouldn't call my life normal. Even when I was more able to put compensation strategies in place, people were always telling me I'm not normal. Don't know why you find this so hard to believe, but you do you.

Set an alarm on your mobile for when you absolutely need to leave to go to the station.
It's better to leave and get to the station early, rather than miss the train.