AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

[newmom2022]

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

I wouldn’t do it but frankly a 90 trip each way to school is too much for the dc. They will spend 15 hrs every week travelling. Ridiculous. I wouldn’t do that for a job.

Sorry, but if the Ex chose the schools, then the Ex should sort the necessary transport . If she talked it through with you first ,that may be different

This was not thought through properly at all. It is just not practical. And a massive ask for someone who is not the children's actual parent.

Is this 3 hours just in the morning to get there? What about home time?

Three hour round trip with a two year old? To a school Dad had no say in? No.

The weakness in your arguement is "if he'd marry me I'd do it!". If you're willing to do it, do it. If you're not, don't. Don't try to use it as a bargaining chip to getting a ring, which is how it comes across. C

A child together, is far more of a commitment than marriage. So being married or not is irrelevant!

I'm just amazed that one parent can unilaterally decide what school the kids are going to without consulting the other - do they not both have to sign paperwork?

If the DC really genuinely want to go to these schools and it would benefit them, then for their sakes I would make sure every possibility has been covered. If they have that much input though, how old are they?
Can they travel part way by themselves?
Can MIL take one and you the other, why would you have to take both?
Can one get a taxi?

There's lots of possibilities you could consider - including what would they do if you or your Dc was ill.

This. They need a different arrangement with this set of new schools and they should have sorted it before switching the kids.

Not your circus. Even if you were married.

"IF I was going to be expected to share the workload as if Name1&Name2 were my own children I would have been deeply involved in the decision about which school to send them to. If they were my own children they would be going to a school within walking distance and doing Theatre & Performing Arts at the weekends. Obviously they aren't my children so it wasn't my decision and I respect that you wanted a different choice but neither are the consequences of that decision anything to do with me"

Agree it's very much not in the best interests of your 2yo dd to spend 3 hours a day in a car seat without much movement or stimulation. She has to be your first priority.

It does not come across like that at all .

stay strong, don't let them manipulate you.

Why are they not doing it themselves since grandma and mother do not work?

What happens when your daughter starts nursery or school? Who would drop her off?

Absolute insanity and no i wouldn't be doing it! You may start working those hours at some point to!

Presumably the DC are primary age as they can't get themselves to school? Specialist performing arts schools are a bad idea at this age, they need a good all round education before even thinking about specialising and potentially cutting off other options. I refused to consider it until sixth form for DD even though she lived and breathed performance. Didn't stop her getting into drama school and she had a good solid education and options.

At this age DC need a good local school in reasonable traveling distance! Any reason why they can't be moved? Doesn't your DH get any say in where his DC go to school??

Have I missed where the OP says the ex can’t drive? I can’t see that in her posts. I don’t think there’s normally anything unusual about expecting a dad to get his kids to school on the weeks they are living with him - even if he has to work.

Agree the choice of schools does seem crazy - which was why I had all those questions about them and what dad’s involvement was. Regardless, though, no one should be expecting OP to do it!

Very, very, VERY not your problem!

In what POSSIBLE world could the ex and boyfriends mother EVER think it's your problem?!

OP says the children went to school locally and she had no problem taking them. If her BF took the new job before his ex advised him of the new schools that’s on her, not him. They co-parent 50/50 and she absolutely should have discussed it with him before going ahead with an arrangement which she should have known wouldn’t work within the framework of current custody arrangements.

If you read the OP’s posts, dad didn’t know any more than OP did because mum didn’t involve them in the discussions before enrolling the children in these two schools. So if the kids didn’t think to mention it, they wouldn’t know until OP told them, so why assume he’s not involved or interested ?

His job was a pay rise and OP indicated that she was happy to do local school drop offs, so if he took the new job before being told about the new schools then that’s on his ex, not him. And presumably neither their dad nor OP had any reason to think that the kids weren’t going to the same school as last term, so the plan for getting them there would be the same as usual.

I have a strong suspicion that his ex kept this quiet for as long as possible because she knew it was unreasonable.

I mean, this!
Three hour round trip is outrageous for a choice that neither you nor their dad made

But boyfriend isn't expecting this. It's the children's mother and grandmother (that don't work) expecting her to do it. She has a job.

And you work as well?!
No you're not BU. This is madness. Unless there was a conversation about it before hand then absolutely not. What if they forget something? Or take sick and need collected?! Is bio mum closer to the school?

The easiest solution here would be that your OH increases child maintenance to cover the transport costs.

3 hours of your time every morning? What about pick ups? Who does that? Mum and grandma dont work and could, in theory, take them if theyre that insistent on them attending those school! Nope stand your ground op, theyre taking the piss

Wtf! Are you the ex? A 3 hour school run is ridiculous.

YANBU

However, if you have the DC 50/50, why did DP change his job to one that starts at 6am? Even if he didn’t know about the new school situation, did he just assume you would step up?

Either one of the DC parents has to be available every day, or they need to rethink the 50/50, or the schools.

Absolutely not your problem OP and I would refuse to get dragged into it.