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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

235 replies

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 01:50

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

OP posts:
6pence · 27/08/2024 09:13

You also don’t need to be taking crap of the ex and his mother. It’s nothing to do with you. Tell them you won’t discuss it. The subject is closed.

IDidNotSignUpForThis · 27/08/2024 09:14

Stand your ground OP! Besides the absolute pxxx take it would hardly be fair on your two year old to have three hours of every day dragging around like that!! You are absolutely right.

EloEloGov · 27/08/2024 09:15

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Bobb1nR0bb1n · 27/08/2024 09:15

She should have had this conversation with you before enrolling the kids. Then when she realised it wasn’t feasible enrolled them somewhere else.

6pence · 27/08/2024 09:17

And my answer would be no, even if I didn’t have a two year old to consider and also no if I was married. Don’t muddy the waters mentioning either of those though.
You don’t need an excuse apart from
“it is too far, too much out of anyone’s day and it wasn’t agreed with my partner and I. The answer is I am not doing it and I am not going to discuss it anymore. Either you get them there yourself or they change schools.”

Nursemumma92 · 27/08/2024 09:18

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:48

I don’t know if this changes anyone’s stance, but it’s not driving 3 hours. It’s that the kids schools have different start times at different schools. So by the time we would leave home, drop the daughter off at her school, then wait in line and drop the son off to his school, and come back home, it takes a 3 hours.

Show quote history

Makes no difference, I wouldn't do a 3 hour long school run for my own children let alone anyone else's. Batshit that they even thought you might do it. Those poor kids spending so long out of the house either side of school too!

Wheresthebeach · 27/08/2024 09:18

Also you can’t have you two year old in the car for three hours a day! No family would plan something that impacts a toddler like that. she doesn’t care one jot about the impact on you or your daughter. She’s made a decision and she needs to deal with it. If you’d agreed before hand it would be different.

6pence · 27/08/2024 09:18

EloEloGov · 27/08/2024 09:12

You know you're going to get those comments hense why you said you don't need them but frankly, it's true! I'd hate having a partner who feels they should only help my children if I was married to them and sees it as "not their problem". Also, your "my/our child" Vs "his" is very telling. You sound selfish and yes you're being unreasonable.

When you date someone with older kids you help and there isn't a reason as to why you can't other than you don't want to.

And I don’t want to - is absolutely fine in these circumstances.

Demonhunter · 27/08/2024 09:22

Well just my two pence worth, you had no input into where the kids went to school, it wasn't discussed with you the logistics of it, so I can't see how you can be responsible for any of it when the travel time is very unreasonable. They need to sort it out between them, not you.

Tessasanderson · 27/08/2024 09:24

Stand your ground and do not be bullied into agreeing to this madness. It isnt a measure of your love or your commitment. It only reflects badly on the others.

IF you partner is supporting you then thats good. If your partners mom and ex feel like you need to contribute anything then offer to have them ready for the taxi service they organise to collect them or when they turn up at your door to collect them themselves.

3hr round trip for god sake. That is utterly stupid.

Grmumpy · 27/08/2024 09:26

No way would I do such a long drive for my own children…bad for everyone.

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2024 09:33

Did your bf have no part in the decision to enrol them in the new schools? Mum’s decision, mum’s responsibility to ensure they get there, particularly as she doesn’t work, nothing to do with you. Ignore them having a go, hopefully they don’t have your number and if they do, block.

TuesdayWhistler · 27/08/2024 09:36

EloEloGov · 27/08/2024 09:12

You know you're going to get those comments hense why you said you don't need them but frankly, it's true! I'd hate having a partner who feels they should only help my children if I was married to them and sees it as "not their problem". Also, your "my/our child" Vs "his" is very telling. You sound selfish and yes you're being unreasonable.

When you date someone with older kids you help and there isn't a reason as to why you can't other than you don't want to.

Hahahahaha no

Blondiebeachbabe · 27/08/2024 09:38

How would they get home? Surely that's 6 hours a day, when you factor in the pick up. So almost a full working day in the car. Totally batshit. Also, how much would that cost in fuel? And wear and tear on the car. It's totally unreasonable, and if Mum wanted kids at those schools, she should have looked at moving closer to them.

Just say no.

Fwiw, for 3 years I took my kids to a school that was 40 minutes away, so an 80 minute round trip. That was hard enough!

Mintypig · 27/08/2024 09:41

They can all chip in and pay for a taxi.
job done.

yanbu.

EloEloGov · 27/08/2024 09:44

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stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 27/08/2024 09:45

Why can’t their mother take them if she doesn’t work?

Edenmum2 · 27/08/2024 09:50

No way would I do this, it's far from your responsibility. Hold firm

JLou08 · 27/08/2024 09:51

Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 01:52

How would you feel if you both split up and it was your daughter in the situation? I'm assuming you will be sharing his new payrise and so will be benefiting for his new role so I would do it (but I also would only be with someone if I was willing to treat their kids as my own)

If there is an expectation she treats the kids as he own then she should have been involved in selecting the school so that she could share that a 3 hour trip with a 2 year old is not doable for her.

CheekySwan · 27/08/2024 09:52

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:21

There was not a conversation about it beforehand. They are taking advantage of me because I helped last year when they were going to school right down the street. No one discussed anything with me beforehand. My boyfriend’s mother is very bossy, and I’m sure she told their bio mom I would surely do it, since technically my work schedule doesn’t conflict. But that aside, I’m not doing that shit!

Edited
Show quote history

and you work? There is helping out on the odd occasion but not a chance would I be doing that on a regular basis - do the bio mum and grandmother not drive? The mother chose to enrol them in these schools, surely when making that decision she should have factored in the logistics?

I would tell them that you have work and your child and home life to work around and that although you don't mind helping out, they are being unreasonable to presume that you are an unpaid taxi - or tell them you want reimbursing, current mileage claim rate is 45p per mile

Hollietree · 27/08/2024 09:55

EloEloGov · 27/08/2024 09:12

You know you're going to get those comments hense why you said you don't need them but frankly, it's true! I'd hate having a partner who feels they should only help my children if I was married to them and sees it as "not their problem". Also, your "my/our child" Vs "his" is very telling. You sound selfish and yes you're being unreasonable.

When you date someone with older kids you help and there isn't a reason as to why you can't other than you don't want to.

Not true at all. She has a 2 year old. It would be bordering on child cruelty for a toddler to be strapped in a car seat for 3 hours every morning for 5 days in a row, every other week. Absolutely not acceptable. I would not do this for my own children and I wouldn’t do it for anyone else’s.

TuesdayWhistler · 27/08/2024 09:57

You have to be so careful in life in general.

How often has someone helped out in a pinch.. which has become helped out regularly.. which has become helped out daily.. which has then just changed from them helping, to them just doing it.

Fuck that.

If the kids mum, dad and grandma expect OP to treat the kids as her own, they should treat her with a little more respect and include OP in discussion. They didn't, they just expected.

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 27/08/2024 09:58

This wasn’t discussed with you, and the thing which is now being DEMANDED of you, is not a small inconvenience, it is a considerable inconvenience. The issue of marriage is a bit of a red herring. It is the time commitment which is the problem. It will prevent you from working and/or having your own commitments. An awful lot of parents would not commit to this type of arrangement because it is a logistical nightmare..
So what happens next: well the parents (and I don’t know why the Bio description is being used) and ‘possibly’ the paternal grandmother, need to liaise and sort out the necessary arrangements or admit that the present schools are not within a close enough area to one another and the children’s homes. As an aside I wouldn't refer to the children’s mother or grandmother as ‘bitches’ it isnt necessary to making your point, and it won’t help resolve anything.

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 27/08/2024 09:59

You sound selfish and yes you're being unreasonable.
For not driving for 3 hours because the mother cba? LOL

Prriorayingly · 27/08/2024 10:02

Even if you were married, this is not your responsibility. The children’s actual parents need to sort out their shit and not try and pass the buck onto you. What CFs.