To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

No way would I attend. People need to realise that not everyone wants to go on holiday with extended family. Good luck to those who do but kids or no kids I’d not entertain it.

No it doesn't. It equates to deciding what you enjoy, what you will do for good manners and how often/frequently you will do it and what you will let hell freeze over before you do.... and expecting your feelings and wishes to be valued equally with other people's. From what the OP has said, they see the family at other times during the year and this particular holiday is VERY child centric.

YANBU. Up to your DH to say really, but he should tell his mum it's just not for you. I wouldn't expect family to come on my DC-centred kids holidays. They sound hellish

You're just going to have to be honest and say you don't really enjoy the big family holidays, you work hard and want to be able to relax in your time off. Your MIL won't like it but the only other alternative is to suck it up and go! You could suggest a separate trip with MIL, city break just with you and DH?

Key differences being ‘Volunteer’ and ‘Forced’

Can you not just go Saturday and come back Sunday after lunch? Surely that can’t be so bad. You’ll hurt people’s feelings, which only you know if it’s really worth it.

It’s just a couple of days.
You need to think of your dh. Do you really want to make things difficult for him with his family for the sake of one weekend per year?
Suck it up and do it with a good heart.
If you go into it with a more positive mindset, you might actually enjoy yourself.

Maybe the 'surprise' this year is that you're not going.

I've been working really hard to teach my granddaughter that it's ok to say no because we so often feel we have to put everyone else's feelings above our own.

If someone is offended by our no they are the only ones responsible for how they feel.

Pretend I was your granny & I taught you to say no without feeling guilty.

But it’s ok for someone else to coerce OP and her husband into an expensive weekend away regardless of their feelings on the matter?

If anyone is being selfish here or at the very least thoughtless in this scenario it’s the person insisting on ‘buying’ everyone a trip that really is just for their own personal benefit and not asking if anyone actually wants that other than themselves.

He doesn’t want to go either!

To me, it depends how much you normally see them. You said birthdays, Christmas etc, but are the birthdays a case of popping round for half an hour 3 times a year to give a present and eat some cake, or are they full day affairs where you all go to soft play followed by McDonald's followed by the cinema etc, and take up a full day of a weekend every couple of weeks?

If you don't see that much of them, I'd be inclined to suck it up, but compromise by, eg booking separate accommodation, only going every other year or something. If you already see them fairly often then I'd be more inclined to just say no, it's not your thing, you don't want to use your annual leave etc.

I posted something similar recently. We’ve been invited on an annual holiday with in laws for the past 10 years and it was lovely to start with, then children started being added into the equation (including our own) and it became stressful and too much, but was practically impossible to say no because like you - the date had to be agreed in advance.

Honestly, it’s only stopped now because they couldn’t afford to keep doing it (thank god!)

If I were you I’d say oh why don’t we book a dog friendly long weekend and PIL can come, and they can do the other holiday separately with the kids. Then they are getting quality time with both sets of families?

It isn’t ’impossible’. It is actually perfectly possible for you to say you don’t want to go. You just don’t want to say anything.

I’m unsure if it has been mentioned, but I was wondering if maybe instead of pulling away, to get more involved? Maybe a lack of connection is the problem (mindset of kids being loud, fussy and draining). What about if your Christmas present from you and DH was to orgnaise a fun outing for the kids to a nearby attraction and give the parents a break? You will be exhausted, happy and glad to hand them back but what a gesture.

And that’s Christmas presents done and you may see how lovely it is seeing these kids laughing and having fun.

I'm of the opinion tell her you don't want to go. I wouldn't care if it was rude esp taking into consideration that you have gone along for 5 years.

Don't even say sorry either, you've nothing to apologise for.

I hate family pressures and expectations.

Or what if you didn't?
Because not everyone has unlimited supplies of fairy dust.

If it was me I’d either say you’re giving it a miss this year as you’re planning to do other stuff that will take up annual leave. If it’s then suggested you do just the weekend, say that you can’t afford to, on top of the plans you have for holidays/ house/ whatever
or
just agree to go for the day, you can get day passes at centre parcs. Could you then leave the dog with friends, or get someone to walk him/her and let them out whilst you’re out for the day?

I was of the opinion 'suck it up for 2 or 3 days a year' until I recalled your previous thread about this years holiday. You present this as a MIL problem but SIL and BIL were also content for their children to dictate that they shared a room with your dh. As parents they should just have said no.

I'd tell dh that YOU are not going this year and ask him how he want to handle that. Go on his own? Tell his dm that it's not working for either of you? Surely he can explain that she's organising a children's holiday and that doesn't fit your plans.

Maybe you could agree to spend one whole day with them while they're on the holiday (not overnight) joining them for 'fun' activities and a meal.

I must have missed the post where the MIL had the OP's hands tied behind her back.

I’m sure the lovely sounding OP gives her MIL no idea how she feels. The MIL thinks she’s doing a good thing and everybody’s enjoying themselves. That’s not being selfish. It means the OP is decent, but if you really can’t face it you need to say and save the woman the money.

It's a bit like Christmas, isn't it? Expected to go to parents' or in-laws' when you just want it to be the two of you at home? Learn to say no thanks. You're grown up now and allowed to not do what other people want you to do.

Yes, I can well imagine the MIL has got stuck in a trap of telling her friends that "every year we have a lovely break with the whole family". Maybe there are moments when even she doesn't enjoy it...?

Why would she spend Xmas away from her husband. 😒

I remember your previous thread!

If you both hate it put a stop to it

This is a ridiculous mindset and by the way, @Probablyfinebutworried you're the one that sounds pathetic.

A decent relationship isn't built on being forced to do something every single year to appease another person. It's really not and it's utterly moronic to suggest that it is.

If refusing to go on a holiday that they feel forced to go to every single year is sufficient to sour the relationship entirely-I'd wager the relationship wasn't that good and strong to begin with.

When does it end? What if the MIL decides that rather than 2 days she wants to do a whole week? Two weeks? In the end-if the entire agreement and relationship hinges on OP being utterly compliant with the MIL's wishes and unable to get out of it for fear of rocking the boat-the MIL can surely demand whatever she wishes.

OP-I think you both need to be honest. Be polite and kind in your refusal-but get ahead of it before she suggests it. You know the invite is coming-and whilst the gesture is nice and kind-but just advise that whilst it's been lovely the other times and you've both really appreciated it-you're both not really looking at taking any further trips at this time or you want to focus on taking trips just as a couple.

Be kind in your delivery, but firm and honest. If you start making excuses-she will start working around them, so you need to be clear from the off. You've done five times-and ignore all the posters saying "suck it up," and calling you selfish and whatnot-you're not and you shouldn't have to suck it up to save someone else's feelings every single year indefinitely. That's ludicrous.