To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

We had this. A holiday to a place we really wouldn't choose, using annual leave and costing us a lot of money (yes accomodation is paid for, but transport, food etc isn't).

We went because he loved his parents and it made them happy. I gritted my teeth and warned my bestie to be prepared for a load of frustrated texts throughout. Now they're dead and we're pleased we helped make those memories for them even if they weren't the best memories for us.

Thing is though, your bil/sil with the kids might actually love it. And it may be the grandkids joy that make it for the MIL. So you might be able to get out of it without too many ripples. Explain that you're planning a special holiday for the two of you this year and all money and leave is for that and the stress of driving wherever and back for an overnight is too much this year so you'll skip it. If it goes well then it may become the new normal.
Alternatively you could get in first and treat them (parent in laws) to a short break with a more adult focus during term time. Then they can do something separate with the kids another time. Maybe there's an exhibition they might like? Two, more chilled, trips might be more enjoyable for everyone than a big family one?

That’s true. Possibly nobody really wants to do it but everyone puts in a good show for each other. You could be doing everyone a favour!

Agree with this.

Or even suggest somewhere else?

DH and I go on holiday with his parents and siblings spouses and children. We don’t go to child-focused holidays. We go on beach holidays where DH’s parents book a large villa with several bathrooms. Kids play together part of the day, we have some meals together, but most of the time, we all our doing our own thing so everyone gets to enjoy it how they like.

I personally would just go and suck it up for a couple of days knowing the joy it seemingly gives MIL, and the wider family. I am a people pleaser though and will often do things I don't particularly love or want to do, as I like seeing other people happy.

But if you really despise going so much, you're already dreading it, but feel there's no way to get out of it in advance, just fake an illness the day before. Blame the dog, say she's got the shits/sickness and you can't possibly risk taking her to a holiday home where she is going to crap or projectile vomit everywhere, and need to be close by to the vets incase she ends up going downhill.

I’ve got DSs and Centre Parks never appealed to me! You could all have a family break by staying in the same rented house but somewhere it might be easier for you, your DP and the dog to do your own thing some of the time. Or he could go with them sometimes and you could do something you enjoy or chill at the house/spa.

The reason extended family breaks can get a bit much is when everyone feels they have to do everything together. Just hanging out in the same place and being together in the mornings and for dinner should be enough.

I understand your MIL’s desire to have all her family together for a couple of days, and IMHO it’s best to respect and humour it. Family memories are so precious. But if neither of you really don’t want to do it, at least not every year, that’s your prerogative. But your DP should speak to his DM about it, not you.

He sounds wonderful.

This, or somewhere with nice countryside walks, or a beach. I don’t think it would be too hard to understand that you might be sick of centreparcs after a couple of visits.

i’m overall in two minds about this because on one hand it’s hard to spend your holidays doing stuff you dislike. But your nephews will grow up and maybe one day your relationships with them will fill you with joy. Maybe you’ll have children in a few years and they will be amazing cousins. So on balance I think you should try to tweak the weekend to make it more bearable.

You chose to go on the trip you’re going on, regardless of your reasons. OP isn’t choosing to go on this trip, it is being foisted upon her and she is expected to go on it all smiles or risk a family fall out. No one has put a gun to OPs head but it’s clear there isn’t much choice in the matter reading through the thread. OPs husband doesn’t want to go either.

And ‘forced’ is the word OP used so presumably that’s how it feels to her 🙄

Arrive lunchtime Saturday and leave lunchtime Sunday. Leave the dog with a friend for 24 hours and say you have to get back to the dog by Sunday afternoon.

You've shown face, can have an evening with family. Bring a cake and some treats then clear off after lunch on Sunday.

Your 24 hours will look like two days as it's spread over the Saturday and Sunday. The dog won't get wound up and neither will you for such a short span.

Can’t you make centre parcs more enjoyable? Can DH book the spa? I would suck it up if I was you OP for family.

Mental note this is something I would do and love it, but future DIL might not.

When you have children one day possibly, your mind might change about a lot. These kids will be the teenagers that might give you a night off once in a while ;)

Nope, nope, nope! We’ve had to tell MIL that we cannot even go round to visit when SIL, BIL & DN is there because DN aggravates our dog so much. They are ‘gentle parenting’ but DN is absolutely feral. There is no way you’d catch us on a holiday together. Just say you can’t make it! It may be blunt but it’s a small price to pay for saving your sanity. I wouldn’t want to use the AL either.

Of course she gets to choose. Just like I did. It may not be an easy choice but she has it. Just like I do.

I find it really sad that your DP has no interest in his nieces/nephews. It would raise a few red flags about having children with a partner if he wasn’t interested in his family (as long as they are nice and get along that is.) I don’t know if that’s on the cards for you but it’s a thought

No it’s not.

you just say it’s not our cuppa tea, thanks but we’ll pass

on repeat

LET her get upset. It won’t kill her.

Maybe thats because whats meant by the "village" these days is agreeing with everything the parents say, and free childcare.

I don't think most childless people would enjoy a forced holiday with somebody else's children. Not me at least! I book my own holidays with my money to places I chose

Just to add that I have nieces / nephews by marriage. It’s so lovely seeing them grow up and being their auntie. It’s not like I see them every week but we have one family holiday together (separate accommodation) and now I have kids it’s so nice to have those bonds. Even without kids on both sides I’ve loved seeing them grow up.

Agreed. So surprised by some of the responses on here. But then I guess 80% of MN are NC with their terrible monthers/MILs.

And?

That's you.

Not everyone feels the same, believe it or not.

Or, have better boundaries and relationships that aren't founded on kowtowing to another person's every wit, whim and desire.

Just a thought.

I think you (your husband actually) just needs to say sorry DM, we don't want to go away this year.
You've got to be strong otherwise you'll keep going away forever!! 😂

I have to agree with this. It’s annoying but it’s your DH’s family and believe me when there are small children involved it’s a lot easier to just go along with kiddie things than try to drag them along with adult things. But those kids won’t be little forever, they will grow up quickly and they may end up being really great people. My grown nieces and nephew are some of my favorite people.

But if you don’t go it needs to come from your DH, not you. If he’s not willing to say it to his mother then he obviously doesn’t mind going and he can go without you. But thus is the kind of message that should not come from a daughter in law.

I wouldn't be having someone else deciding and booking my holidays for me. Especially if it involved kids when I didn't have any.