To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

On the one hand I think fair enough don’t go spending time with other peoples kids can be purgatory.

But on the other I work with the elderly and the smart childfree ones have built relationships with their nephews and nieces who in many cases massively step up. Dh and I are primed to assist a childfree uncle I know he is flipping relieved about it.

my brother used to put my kids first all the time doing family stuff- mealtimes (christmas lunch at 12 was a bit of a low point!), playing games with them, tidying up. I’m sure it must have been annoying. Now he’s the one with the young kids, and we do stuff to make his kids happy- and his life easier. It’s one weekend a year, I think you should suck it up for the sake of future relationships.

I do agree with this OP. If DH and family are great otherwise, just endure it and book some activities if at a CP type place.

I feel like your other thread had really important context.
When first reading I was thinking hmm just put up but it's quite clear this is a test of endurance and not a holiday!
Personally I'd make it about the dog and say you're concerned about them being a nuisance.
Given your MIL & FIL are separated so need different bedrooms and the boys are getting older there's just no way you can share a unit in the future.
I'd suggest going somewhere cheaper, haven etc, but where you can have your own caravan so the dog doesn't kick off.

YANBU in not wanting to go every year but it's pretty sad how you talk about your nieces and nephews. Do you generally only care about yourselves and your dog? That's how it sounds.

Er no, I was asked to go and feel obliged to do so. I could say no but I have "chosen" to go because I would disappoint a lot of people by not going. Sometimes it's not all about me.

If you really don't want to go and your husband is not willing to stand up for you, then I would suggest he goes on his own, and you develop a stomach bug the day before you are due to go. Not a long term solution, but will give you some breathing space for a year! I totally see your point, I wouldn't have wanted to do such a child centric holiday when I was child free. There is nothing as tedious as other people's children!

I feel sad that the MIL in this scenario wants one weekend a year away with her children to make memories (and will pay for it) and her son doesn’t want to go.
Just be prepared that if he does tell his mum he doesn’t want to go anymore, you might get the blame regardless.

And you sound like an idiot.

She has every right not to want to go to Center Parcs every year free or not and it's controlling bullies like you that use "free" gifts to force people to do what they don't want to do just because you want it.

If I didn't have children I would have absolutely no reason or desire to spend time at Centre Parcs every year free or not.

Your partner is a wet blanket who should be able to speak to his mum. 'I don't fancy spending leave or my free time doing child centred stuff mum' should be enough. It will likely impact on his relationship with his sibling and the nephews but since you see them so little there probably isn't much of a relationship anyway. It seems his mum just wants her kids together but if you don't fancy it then fair enough. Personally I would work hard to foster family relations but you can do this by meeting up for meals or days out rather than weekends away.

I have 3 kids under 8 so am clearly biased but I think it's sad that your partner isn't interested in his nephews. To me it's just a way to make your life circle more narrow but each to their own.

I also work with elderly people and for those who have no family there is quite a lot of stuff that money can't buy like someone to visit you in hospital or check in on you from time to time, put your bins out, fix your washer. I see a lot of nieces and nephews doing this out of duty or out of love and it's obvious which is which. You reap as you sow when it comes to family.

It's an alien concept to me to not be able to find some enjoyment in a weekend with family once a year even if it's not your ideal venue/ set up but I was raised in an extended family set up. Do people really never do anything they find even a tiny bit irksome for the sake of others in this day and age?

I Agree

Why doesn't DH say that instead of doing a group family thing, he'd like to do a one-on-one weekend away with his mum so they get to spend some quality time together.

You get the weekend to yourself, mum gets to spend time with her son (& the rest of the family at a separate time) every one wins.

Sad you don’t want to spend time with your family.

You tell her no! After this year's disaster you can't afford and don't want to spend your holiday with "the family".

So what if it makes you unpopular, do you really care?!

Goodness me.

If you do just go Saturday and Sunday that's 48 hours max, just one night . . . . seems a bit churlish not to. To keep relationships going people often have to do stuff that isn't their preference, it's just part of the give and take of family and friendship. You could chose to live entirely self-pleasing lives, but you may well regret it one day, especially if you have children yourself and you and DH are more on the outside of an otherwise close-knit family group.

Argh OP I’m on your side, it does not sound fun!

I don’t agree that you should have to “suck it up” especially as it’s not even a free holiday when you factor in paying for your travel and all your expenses whilst you’re there. MIL obviously thinks she’s doing something nice for the family, it’s great for her but it’s a crappy present for you and your partner.

Reading your posts about how bad it was last time and the room situation just adds to how hellish all this seems to be. If you dread it so much you should not have to do it.

But I agree with you- it’s bloody awkward to get out of. Where pretending to be ill is a good
short term solution, it won’t help you next year, and the year after and so on. I think the first thing you need to do is get your partner on your side and go in at this together. At the end of the day, it’s his family, so he needs to speak up. Get him on side and say to MIL before Christmas, that if she’s thinking of doing the family holiday as a gift this year, to count you guys out, as you’d like to go on a holiday just the two of you, and say you can’t afford that alongside the expenses of the family trip. I’m not sure of your situation but could you say you’re saving for a house/wedding/have weddings and hen dos etc to attend, feels like an expensive year ahead etc, so to count you out.

By the way you taking a huge interest in your nephews and nieces won’t guarantee that other family members will take later interest in your children… I wouldn’t count on this. MIL will be older so probably less energetic.
So I would just look at this at face value: do you want to go or not? If not, your DH should deal with it. He should call his sister and tell it to her first so she’s not offended. Then he should call his mum and tell her that this year you are not going.
I think your detailed strategy depends on circumstances. If you tell too much in advance it will be the only topic until Christmas. So maybe tell when you asked about dates.
Could he give busy time at work as a reason? E.g You know Mum, I have very busy time at work at the moment and in general it was a very busy year for Terracotta and me we’ve got quite a few things planned so I would rather skip this trip this year.
The key is for him to stay polite and consistently use “I” . It’s my usual strategy for dealing with relatives.

in one caravan no way

tell your dp to grow up an say youre not going

I hate Centreparcs which probably colours my view here. Also we did ten years of holidays with the inlaws and dh's brother and sister and partners. At least we weren't all in one static caravan. I've had great holidays in caravans and tents but not with the inlaws!

After ten years we finally did say 'I'm really sorry, it's been great but we aren't going to do this any more'. We had the excuse of dh's health but once we were sure what we were going to do, we said it and it was accepted.

There are aunts in my family who like babies and babysit, and there are aunts who like teenagers and produce work experience placements and days out, and aunts who like young adults. You can be an aunt, if you want to, at any age. That's the point of family relationships, they are long term.

And good point from @LouH5 about expenses… he can use it too

Honestly, I think you need to put your big girl pants on and have an honest conversation with your mil. Tell her that as fond as you are of the kids, as a childless couple, going on these sorts of trips isn't really your thing.That your dog gets stressed out by the kids and you are going to opt out in future, but will see them all at nephews birthday/Sunday lunch /whatever occasion is next!
You are both adults and ought to be able to have an honest conversation.

I don't agree that you should suck it up now if you are planning kids of your own in the future - I guarantee that by the time you might benefit, the bil/sil kids will be older and not into centre parks and they will opt out! Never do anything in the expectation of reward down the line - it rarely pans out!

If you never saw the family, I'd say do one overnight trip, but since you see them regularly, you don't need to do this.
But you do need to bite the bullet and say something because otherwise nothing will change and excuses are just kicking the can down the road.

It's two days, one night staying over? I'm in the camp of 'suck it up' for that length of time. Get someone to dog sit for that weekend. Or go for one day only and drive back late that night because of some other event you can make up - friend's big birthday night or similar that's been arranged since you booked the date.

What is it that makes it so awful? Are the kids that badly behaved? Does MIL insist you all watch Paw Patrol together?

OP, this sounds exactly like us. Family wanting us to go to child-centric days out and we feel we’re just there to make up numbers. Unfortunately, I think the only way is to be honest. MIL- awkward conversation time, but it’s a lot of money for you to spend and in absolute honesty it’s wasted on us - you go and can we do a brunch the 3 of us at some point.

Yes they’re your family, but that doesn’t mean you have to go on holidays with them.

I think it's clearly very important to MIL, so for that reason alone I'd still go for the weekend but I would insist on a separate space for you two and the dog. My two dogs got completely overwhelmed on a holiday recently where we shared accomodation as a huge group, and I wouldn't put them through that again. I've already said that if we all go again, we'd find a complex where everyone can have their own spaces.