To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

Hi MIL, sorry we can't come, we have covid (as you hack up a lung) Have a great time.

TBH though, I would just say well in advance that you won't be going this year or any year.

Quoting myself, forgot to add at the end just sort of sigh and say it's not looking like we can do it this year mil, never mind there's always next year.
Then if you csnt do it next year itll be easier to say it.

But it's the truth. Nothing is ever gained by lying about things or covering them up, IMO, though it can be expressed a bit more tactfully.
If the truth had been spoken out openly at the beginning, i.e., 'that was good to try for the once, but we don't want to do it again, thank you, it's not really us' many tortuous holidays could have been avoided.
Lesson #1 of dealing with families- don't agree to anything you aren't willing to have repeated. Or you'll risk getting further and further down that rabbit hole.

You can be ‘under the weather’ or ‘ate something dodgy’ the day before.

Many people do things they don't necessarily want to because it makes other happy.

I'm spending 5 days with 30 girls as part of an activity I volunteer with. Do I want to go? Fuck no but I'll suck it up because I know they'll love it and I am happy to put others first sometimes.

Look you don’t like them them and you dont have to - their not your kids. Just be an adult and tell your MIL you don’t like it and to stop inviting you. And why is your husband not speaking to his own mum - absolutely ridiculous. Deal with the consequences of the fall out - but at least you won’t have to be with the kids you find annoying. Don’t lie and say DV or last minute travel or whatever - be an adult. Just be honest.

As you have done 5 years on the trot, maybe just say to mother in law that you want to give it a break as it’s not really your thing. Who knows after a couple of years break from this you may have a different view on it.

Exactly, families should be able to be truthful to each other, otherwise it's a life of shallow fake transactions.

If OP / DH is truthful, perhaps with a dash of humour, making it clear she / they love her family but this set up isn't for them, all the better.

Not really though. If the objections really about the child centric bit, that is time limited. I personally would suck it up because they grow quickly and will become more interesting to you as more ways to relate open up. Lots of people do not like young children as they can be hard work and do not provide a lot of return, unless you find small children cute.

It is maybe easy for me to say that as I do enjoy small children and have enjoyed dniblings at all ages. Some of mine ate coming into adulthood now and I love them so much. We have a great relationship, though closer to one set than the other purely because I am closer to the sibling that is their parent. I think that is a bit sad.

If you want to be close to them as adults, you need to to put the work in now by being there. They are small for a very brief time.

Only you can decide if the relationships are worth the effort.

Agreed. I often think the people who say this… are the people who actually book these really crap Pontins style family breaks 😂😂

OP, you just say thanks but no thanks. It ain’t rocket science.

Your MIL is going to be upset to some degree, there's no getting away from it. But you don't need to tell her that you never want to do it ever again, you just need to break the habit for now.

'We really appreciate you booking the annual family trip Sandra, but we're going to give it a miss this time. It's really generous of you - you're so lovely - and we know you'll understand that we fancy a change this year'.

Whatever she says or does next, hold your nerve and don't back down. She'll get over it and so will you.

Get a grip. Why would two child-free twenty-somethings want to be wedged into a caravan with three other adults and three full-on children? This is not a gift for them.

You chose to do it though whereas the OP is getting pressured to do something she doesn't want to do.

This! Sounds like a real nightmare to me. And I'm 44 with DC but I can put myself in OP's position and I would say No way. DP can go on his own.

If you care about family you don't force them to do something they hate for no real reason.

Don't lie or make up an excuse.
DH (not you him) needs to tell his mum 'thanks but no thanks'
It would be nice if you offered to see them on your own at some other time or shared some activity that you do enjoy together

My parents would offer to take the family away like this. Partly because my mum really enjoyed having her family altogether but also because she genuinely believed she was doing a nice thing for everyone. She's dead now and those are very precious memories to me.

My brother and his partner didn't always go. Fair enough not their thing. But my parents would still offer them the chance because it would be rude not to offer wouldn't it? Nobody minded them not coming it was cheaper and easier if they didn't tbh. The only things that were resented were 1) delay and messing about over making a decision inconveniencing everyone else: just say you are out and let others get on with it 2) expecting equivalent money to do their own thing: Grabby.

Can’t imagine a worse holiday than with someone else’s kids if you don’t like kids! Definitely just be upfront, although it needs to be your DH not you. Send them some nice Christmas presents or a hamper to take with them, they’ll get over it.

YANBU

Is this a free trip, and you don’t have to pay to go? If so I’d suck it up and go, as only for a couple days a year. If you are paying you should get a say on where the holiday is. Center Parcs has a spa doesn’t it, plan a morning in there, for example, during the break, to get some peace away from the madness. Or can you leave your dog with your family/a friend at home, so you can do more things when you are there? Or pay for separate 2 person accommodation, using the excuse, that the kids wind up the dog, so easier to have a lodge nearby, but then you aren’t sharing.

I think it probably is enough? That would have been how often I saw my uncles as a child really - maybe 2-3 times a year. They used to stay with my grandparents rather than with us. I still see them regularly (actually more often now I am an adult, probably once every couple of months) and we get on really well. I care about them and them about me. It might not be the same as it would have been if I had had an uncle who lived down the street and was over for dinner every week but it can still be a valuable relationship.

No one actually likes children, most people struggle to tolerate their own on a 24/7 basis.

And us childfree people don't need free holidays, we can go on plenty from all the money we save from not having kids and not being stuck with expensive school holidays. Especially not Center Parcs in damp gloomy winter where screeching kids are terrorising my poor dog.

I'd spend my precious weekend and annual leave on somewhere I actually want to go and gladly pay a reasonable (not Center Parcs) price for it.

You said early that really the only option left is to say it’s not your scene and I think you’re right. If you don’t want to make it about the kids, then some combination of reasons like you just find you’re not sleeping very well at the moment, it’s not great for the dog, but how lovely they are for organising it and you love the time you spend with them at other times during the year. Something like that.

I’d absolutely hate it too! My favourite day of the year would be the one that I arrived back because then I would have the maximum amount of days before I had to do it again.

Just go for the weekend and don't use your annual leave as suggested.

I know the internet tells us all that we should have boundaries. However really that just equates to doing whatever we like and not taking anyone else's wants or needs into account.

So you'll gave one weekend a year you don't love. So what? Relationships aren't all hearts and flowes and they take work and sometimes small sacrifices.

One day you might be very grateful for the bonds you have forged. Modern society might reach us to be completely individualistic, but in reality it will lead to sad isolated people. Humans are social beings. Those kids may become adults that you adore and that return the favour.

I'd like my DC to spend time with me because they want to rather than they're too worried about upsetting me. The thought of my kids seeing me out of duty rather than out of love fills me with dread (as that's the relationship I have with my mother and I really resent her for it).

I sometimes watch this guy called John Deloney on YouTube and he addresses people's issues including setting boundaries etc.

One of his sayings that I love is "choose guilt over resentment everytime"

You've done 5 years already and you don't like it or want to so to me you've given it a shot it's a shame your husband isn't able to stand up to his mother. But the sooner you end this the better if not you will continue to build resentment which will lead to other issues.

It would be nice for him/you to see his nephews more but it doesn't have to be at MILs beck and call and ask you rightly said it's up to your husband not you.

If I were you, I would tell him that this year in going to put my feet down and refuse to go so they should go ahead without you so it's up to him to have that conversation with his mother first or chicken out and let you push back when she comes for the next trip.

One thing I've learned as I get older is that is better and easier to nip things in the bud earlier rather than later than it's been established as norm.

It will be my idea of he'll to go to centreparcs every year when I don't have kids and I don't see why she has to rope you into the trip for her grandchildren.