Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

407 replies

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 19:52

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

OP posts:
Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound · 26/08/2024 23:30

I feel really sad for your MIL. There are 52 weekends in a year, and you can't bring yourself to spend one of doing something that is clearly really important to her? It would of course be different if they were unpleasant, but from the sounds of if they are pretty harmless. I don't know, it just seems a very individualistic and selfish way to approach life.

Probablyfinebutworried · 26/08/2024 23:30

harmfulsweeties · 26/08/2024 23:03

This is a ridiculous mindset and by the way, @Probablyfinebutworried you're the one that sounds pathetic.

A decent relationship isn't built on being forced to do something every single year to appease another person. It's really not and it's utterly moronic to suggest that it is.

If refusing to go on a holiday that they feel forced to go to every single year is sufficient to sour the relationship entirely-I'd wager the relationship wasn't that good and strong to begin with.

When does it end? What if the MIL decides that rather than 2 days she wants to do a whole week? Two weeks? In the end-if the entire agreement and relationship hinges on OP being utterly compliant with the MIL's wishes and unable to get out of it for fear of rocking the boat-the MIL can surely demand whatever she wishes.

OP-I think you both need to be honest. Be polite and kind in your refusal-but get ahead of it before she suggests it. You know the invite is coming-and whilst the gesture is nice and kind-but just advise that whilst it's been lovely the other times and you've both really appreciated it-you're both not really looking at taking any further trips at this time or you want to focus on taking trips just as a couple.

Be kind in your delivery, but firm and honest. If you start making excuses-she will start working around them, so you need to be clear from the off. You've done five times-and ignore all the posters saying "suck it up," and calling you selfish and whatnot-you're not and you shouldn't have to suck it up to save someone else's feelings every single year indefinitely. That's ludicrous.

Show quote history

How is it a ridiculous mindset to think it's pathetic that a couple in their late twenties with no kids can't spare 48 hours to show their faces on holiday with the extended family? Something that has been given as a gift and is clearly important to the mother? I'd be gutted if my siblings didn't at least come for a couple of days of the holiday because they didn't like my kids. And does nobody see the potential fallout?!

Urgenthelplease · 26/08/2024 23:30

I feel a bit sorry for her because this is a kind generous thing to do but if you don't want to go then don't. My mil is a lovely woman with encroaching dementia so I want to spend all the time with her I can. Other people's kids (even family) are another story though.

Bigcatpaws · 26/08/2024 23:34

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:02

Unfortunately, she doesn't book it until we all agree a date. So if I say I can't do such and such date, she will work around it. It's impossible to get out of

Show quote history

It’s not impossible to get out of. Just say that this year you’re not going because you want some peace and quiet and want to spend your annual leave alone.
She may be upset about it but you are upset at her plans to get you involved. So which will it be?

MzHz · 26/08/2024 23:34

i don’t understand this obsession with bro/sis in-laws having to be a part of someone else’s family.

I have no relationship with my sisters kids. Their behaviour is fairly appalling and they’re not enjoyable to be around. My sister is odd. My ds doesn’t like his cousins much either, they’re all weird tbh and every visit they’ve made has been stressful. Never again tbh. Next time I’ll say I’m busy and I know that H won’t try to talk me round like he did the last time, as he found out exactly why I’d tried to swerve it initially.

Mum5net · 26/08/2024 23:39

Dotto · 26/08/2024 20:10

Your husband says "look, we're bowing out of the annual getaway for the foreseeable. We find it a bit much and look forward to getting together instead at X other times"

If they take offence, so be it.

This all the way.
Did you have a thread about this last year?

Cherrysoup · 26/08/2024 23:41

5 years? You’re a martyr! Either you or your Dh need to say absolutely not. Just tell mil not to include you, you don’t want to spend AL doing child centric stuff. Stop being a doormat!

wanttogetadvice · 26/08/2024 23:42

would it have been different if they were your nieces and nephews and your mum booking thee holidays?

DefyingGravitas · 26/08/2024 23:47

‘We’re not great with group holidays at the moment with sleep issues and the dog, but tell us when you’ve booked and we’ll come for a day trip if we can.’

JenniferBooth · 26/08/2024 23:53

If you choose to be a parent you are choosing that some day you may be a grandparent
If you are child free by choice you have absolutely no control over whether your sibling chooses to have a child or not. So i dont think someone who is CF should be harangued into child centric holidays.

Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound · 26/08/2024 23:57

I'm genuinely shocked at how the language of "asserting boundaries" and "not being a people pleaser" is being used as a justification to wriggle out of basically anything that is even slightly inconvenient.

OP, this is your DPs closest family, and by extension, your family. An annual tradition that brings a family together is something to be cherished.

What a fucking depressing world this is, if we cannot once a year manage to look past the superficial annoyances and frustrations of those closest to us and value the ties the bond us together.

Marcipex · 27/08/2024 00:08

I wouldn’t allow the nephews to wind my dog up.
If I went again, which I probably wouldn’t, I would make sure the children learnt how to behave with an animal.
If the boys can’t/won’t do as they are told, I would take the dog home anyway.

InSpainTheRain · 27/08/2024 00:09

You need to grow a backbone and just say you're not coming this year. I'd say I want to spend it at home as it's been a hectic year, or book somewhere else just the 2 of you + the dog.it won't get better til you say no.

Clearwater18 · 27/08/2024 00:11

I can understand you not wishing to join your family for this particular type of holiday if it's not your thing. I have to admit though I find it really sad it's because there are children involved. I hope they never find out they are the biggest reason you don't want to join them. I assume they will always be in your life so how often can you refuse to be in their company OP.

Franjipanl8r · 27/08/2024 00:18

Successful marriages require give and take. Go every other year and let your DH go alone every other year.

anxioussister · 27/08/2024 00:23

As long as you are fair you aren’t responsible for their emotional response

saying in advance ‘we love + value you but big family Center parcs weekends just aren’t our thing. Please don’t factor us in this year’

then ‘big group holidays aren’t relaxing for us, we won’t be coming’ on repeat every time

is fair, and polite. They might be upset. But if they don’t recover from it that’s a them problem.

PorridgeEater · 27/08/2024 00:33

Can you just visit for the day? (and spend the night elsewhere if necessary). If it's distressing for the dog you have the perfect excuse not to stay longer. Maybe your MiL thinks (wrongly) that you would be put out if you were not invited.

justasking111 · 27/08/2024 00:45

Come up with an alternative. I'm sure there are others in the group who would like a change.

WGACA · 27/08/2024 00:46

There is no way that I’d go to this.

phoenixrosehere · 27/08/2024 00:46

Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound · 26/08/2024 23:30

I feel really sad for your MIL. There are 52 weekends in a year, and you can't bring yourself to spend one of doing something that is clearly really important to her? It would of course be different if they were unpleasant, but from the sounds of if they are pretty harmless. I don't know, it just seems a very individualistic and selfish way to approach life.

I don't know, it just seems a very individualistic and selfish way to approach life.

So does pushing a kid-centered holiday onto your childfree son and his wife instead of asking what they would like. There could be at least some type of alternation.

Posters often moan on here about how everything shouldn’t be child-centered yet OP is seemingly selfish not to want to go to a child-centered holiday place for the sixth year in a row that she and her DH are only going as to not hurt feelings.

The amount of emotional manipulation on this thread is staggering as well as the transactional nature. Some posters telling OP maybe when you have children, these children may watch them, or likely maybe they won’t and will be doing their own thing or OP and her DH may not have children at all. Once most kids get to teenagers, they aren’t going to be jumping at the chance to babysit younger children when they can be hanging out with their mates unless there is some money involved.

I have a lot of aunts and uncles. I saw some a handful of times a year and some several times a week growing up. My relationship with all of them is pretty even. I can’t even say I have a favourite nor were any of them the type to get down and play. I only knew what they were able to give in the ways of attention and it never came to mind they should be doing xyz because they are my parents’ siblings. I do know that xyz aunt or uncle taught me this, made the best dessert, always teased me in a kind way, gives the best advice, the most knowledgable about xyz, etc.

OP and her DH see their nephews when they can and do show some interest and they may find visits better once the kids are older and less rambunctious. Opting out of a holiday when they see the kids several times a year is not going to scar their nephews..

justasking111 · 27/08/2024 00:49

WGACA · 27/08/2024 00:46

There is no way that I’d go to this.

Nor me. My offspring, two families did center parcs a couple of times but they're bored with it now. This year they've done lodges and cottages on the Lleyn peninsula and Anglesey. Kids and dogs loved it

SammyScrounge · 27/08/2024 01:02

Gettingannoyednow · 26/08/2024 20:04

It must mean a lot to your MIL to have her children and grandchildren all together, even if it's just a couple of days once a year. Unless she's a truly terrible person I'd suck it up and go. Your nephews will get less annoying every year (well they'll get more able to play on their own each year, which is often the same thing).

I agree. Op,Your MIL loves getting her whole family together. In the future, looking back there will be .memories and 'Do you recall when...'
You could lighten up about the children and your MIL's arrangements -it's Christmas. Get one of the.children's new games out and play with them, give your MIL a.hand in the kitchen, ... sing Xmas carols. Join in and make your MIL's.day. You might even enjoy it all.

alrightluv · 27/08/2024 01:13

Unfortunately the dog has started snapping at random dcs. Such a shame but obviously he's stressed and can't be left.

CocoQueen2024 · 27/08/2024 05:53

It's not impossible to get out of, just say this no longer works for you. Life is too short to do things you don't want to do and to sacrifice your comfort for someone else.

Don't over explain, just say it doesn't work for you, thank you for the invite but I have to decline.

harmfulsweeties · 27/08/2024 07:16

Probablyfinebutworried · 26/08/2024 23:30

How is it a ridiculous mindset to think it's pathetic that a couple in their late twenties with no kids can't spare 48 hours to show their faces on holiday with the extended family? Something that has been given as a gift and is clearly important to the mother? I'd be gutted if my siblings didn't at least come for a couple of days of the holiday because they didn't like my kids. And does nobody see the potential fallout?!

Show quote history

It's pathetic to think that relationships should be founded on some parties in said relationships being forced/coerced into doing something they do not want or enjoy doing.

They've done five years of this. They don't enjoy it. They've given it a good go and it's not for them.

It's not just the time though is it? It's the expense of it which likely does or could take away from their ability to actually book and go on a trip they actually want to go on.

Nowhere does OP say that she or her DP doesn't like the kids-they just don't want to go on kiddie-centric holidays when they, themselves, don't have children. Believe it or not-other people's lives don't revolve around you and your children.

If you didn't have kids and weren't forced by virtue of having them-are you seriously saying you'd be happy to pay for the expense and give up your time to go on kiddie-centred holidays every single year?

If there's a potential fallout because OP and her DP want to do their own thing and no longer go on these holidays that they don't choose or have a say in-that is truly on the MIL, not the OP. It is not her responsibility to keep doing something she doesn't enjoy doing and actively dreads to spare someone's feelings.

You are responsible for your own feelings. No one else is responsible to cater to them.