Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

[Canttakethepressureanymore]

I am married with 2 young DC (I am the woman in the marriage). I am the primary earner - 2/3 of household income - and we have a very nice lifestyle on my salary. My DH works but has not/does not feel any need to push ahead in his career and earn more. In fact, he's thinking of scaling back.... I took short mat leaves so as not to interrupt my career progression. I'm now on the precipice of taking more senior roles (basically the very top of management) and I just can't take it.

I have always hated my work and only done it for the money (a necessity when younger, obviously). I suppose I was somewhat oblivious to the fact that DH wasn't doing the same. All my free time is spent with DC, which I love, but I literally do nothing for myself. I just work and do childcare. DH does loads around the house and with the kids (although I still do a 50% at least, including all night wakings, and all the planning/mental load). I have a cleaner. FWIW my DH loves his job, has hobbies and is a much happier person than me.

I just need a break. My mental health is on the floor, I'm snappy and feel like there is no point in life. I cry everyday. But financially there is no option for me to quit (I could not progress, but I can't quit). We do not live a lavish lifestyle but we don't need to think about money. I have savings but don't feel I could wipe them out (my DC's future) by going off sick and living off them. I've tried to explain to my DH but don't think he realises how bad I feel. I'm going to have to take medication but it's not going to address the actual problem.

I have no mental space to think about myself or even really think about my DC's non-immediate needs. I need a time out.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Is there any scope for requesting flexible working and going part time for a few years until your children are older? Or are there any other jobs you think you might enjoy more?

Sorry you’re feeling this way, it must be so stressful. Please consider going to talk to your GP too for support.

Not really any scope for flexible working. It's the kind of job which would mean I would be on emails/available during any flexible time 'off' so I'd resent the pay cut. That - and the same with going off sick - would basically mean I would be managed out.

You're not alone. I'm in a similar position. I strongly encouraged my OH to apply for a different job and it blew up in our face. He had a break down with the stress returned to his old job as a new starter again ( despite working rhere for 25 years before leaving) he is now off with anxiety and doesn't get paid. He too loved his job, I had yo keep applying for promotion to earn more for the family. Its exhausting.
I'd suggest you cut back. I know you don't want to lose the money but if yiu burn yourself out, you'll be much worse.
Ultimately you either cut back do you don't need another promotion, keep going and risk burnout, or re train...

I would suggest a having a melt down at home in the very near future. Lots of tears and snot. Make sure he knows very clearly that you are not coping.

Once you have his attention, then discuss how he can do more to support you.

I'm sorry that sounds tough for you and your DH. I don't want to make him unhappy but god I wish he would just take his 'turn' sometimes (aware this is unreasonable).

I am a 'coper'. Nobody ever thinks I might need help 😔.

Could you take a week annual leave and book into a hotel somewhere alone and just take some time to think over your options?

I hear what you’re saying about part time working but right now you seem to be in a very all or nothing place - quit or keep going as you are. Even if it involves a pay cut at least doing four days a week would claw some time back for you (even if you need reply to some emails during the day, you can still plan things).

Therapy might also be helpful.

And you really need to communicate to your DH the strength of your feeling and discuss some mutually agreeable options that will ensure you’re not suddenly poverty stricken but give you more breathing room. Maybe show him this thread

Why are you doing all night wakings, your husband needs to be doing half of them. You'll feel better just from getting more sleep. You also need at least one night a week that's just for you to do something for yourself.

Oh and also take up a hobby of your own, whether it’s the gym or learning a new language or whatever. Mark it into your diary every week like a meeting.

OP you need to see your GP. You sound overwhelmed and exhausted. I would have a check up to make sure it's not physical and discuss medication.

You sound as though you have a lot of transferable skills. Can you arrange to speak to a careers consultant to discuss your options and change careers or look for another job?

Can you get a counsellor in order to offload and discuss your feelings.
https://www.bacp.co.uk

Can you book a break, go somewhere for a few days, a lovely hotel by the sea perhaps.

Why are you doing all night wakings? He needs to do 75% and you need a personal life as well, no wonder you're miserable

I need to do this but I just can't. I have never left my children for a night and they rely on me to get to sleep.

I struggle to do hobbies in the evening as I need to get to bed by 9pm for the night wakings/and I get up with DC every day at 6.

My DH can't get out of bed in the night so I may as well do it rather than lie there listening to the crying.....(I know, I know...).

What are you doing when dh is doing his hobbies? Could he be doing child care and you be meeting a friend/therapy/yoga during this? Are you able to take a few days holiday without your family? If it would help you if dh didn't scale back, emphasise the consequences to him as you seem to be on different planets emotionally at the moment. You don't sound willing to leave your role so you are going to have to find a way to make this work and I suspect that will mean taking time for self care out of your childcare time which sucks for you. But your children need a well mother so much.

Agree with all PP’s advice. One other idea to consider is DH going part time on the strict condition that he does the vast majority of the work at home - cooking, night wakings, appointments, child admin, everything. It sounds like he earns less per hour than you so taking that work off your plate might help.

I’m sorry but unless you have a Bf baby (and maybe you do) you’re being a martyr. And it won’t end well. My mother was a martyr. It resulted in her becoming a bitter, nasty woman who destroyed our family. We don’t talk now. Take some time for yourself and don’t feel guilty about it. Your husband obviously doesn’t.

I second having a few nights in a hotel, it’s not a long time fix but just a breather and some sleep to take a step back.

I did this, booked a hotel for 2 nights in the same city I worked in, a couple of minutes walk away from my office, got room service and just had some space. Made a massive difference and wasn’t too much to ask from DH.

I could speak to a careers consultant, good idea. I only have corporate experience and not sure how it would transfer elsewhere.

My only desire would be to run a bookshop but life is not a romantic comedy 😂

My DH can't get out of bed in the night so I may as well do it rather than lie there listening to the crying.....(I know, I know...)

Why can't he get out of bed at night?

I totally agree, I am aware that I'm already resentful.

I have a bf 11 month old and also pumping at work.... My older DC won't sleep without me either though.

Doesn't even wake for several minutes by which time I'm wide awake anyway. Can't get up in the mornings - never has been able to function like that.

I hear you . DH and I used to do exactly the same high stress , relentless , thankless job . In the end due to various horrendous incidents he had to deal with, compounded with the usual complete lack of care from management, he had a mental health breakdown . He was off for 6 months , and then returned to a back office role , before eventually retiring . He now does a totally different job, which he loves , and has time for his own hobbies and projects , and looks 20 years younger .

But , I carried on in the same role . I am very very much the primary earner . I actually do more in my role now than he did because I have taken on extra responsibilities and have now become that person that everyone asks for advice, which from an ego point of view is flattering , but sometimes I just think ‘Please can’t you find someone else ?’ I have 95 percent of the domestic mental load. I organise our finances , Christmas, birthdays, school problems . I organise our vehicles , the animals , everything single fucking thing . I am now backing off and DH is having to learn to sort shit out , because I am fucking done. No one , but no one asks how I am . So I walk the dog a lot (on a route past a very nice pub that does fabulous lunches but they don’t know that ) and DH has been told that part of my retirement money is being spent on a horse that just for once I don’t have to make do with .

So I get you. You are absolutely not alone .

OP I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect your marriage (and the financial provision for your family) to be a team effort.

You need to have a STRONG conversation with your husband and say enough is enough. You aren’t coping and something has to change. Either he helps you figure out what, and takes up more responsibility across a raft of areas (why TF are you doing night wakings if you’re the higher earner?!) or you’re handing in your notice with nothing planned - because you’re about to keel over. Then sh!t will REALLY hit the fan and he will HAVE to pull his socks up.

You and your life are worth more than this!!!

They will if they have to. DH needs to help put in place a new routine and you can also sleep train your 11mo. It's not worth hating life and having a breakdown when it's fixable.

Hmm, my DH was the breadwinner (we've since swopped over) but he still slept with DD one night a week in the spare room so I had a guaranteed night off every week. Plus I had two evenings "off" everything child related each week too.

Do you have a spare room? Stick him in it for the night with the baby's cot/crib next to him and get some ear plugs for yourself. Of course he can get up in the night!

We found it helpful to look at how much "free" time each of us had each week - so time when we weren't working, looking after our child and/or doing chores. And then working out how to make that equal.

You and DH need to sleep train your older dc, and dh does half the night wakings for all dc. (Can't wake up? Bollocks. You never hear a woman say that.)

TBF the baby only generally wakes once. Older DC rarely - maybe once a fortnight - and need to be told to go back to bed.

I think I will probably just stop BF to be honest but that's a whole project in itself!