Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

[Canttakethepressureanymore]

I am married with 2 young DC (I am the woman in the marriage). I am the primary earner - 2/3 of household income - and we have a very nice lifestyle on my salary. My DH works but has not/does not feel any need to push ahead in his career and earn more. In fact, he's thinking of scaling back.... I took short mat leaves so as not to interrupt my career progression. I'm now on the precipice of taking more senior roles (basically the very top of management) and I just can't take it.

I have always hated my work and only done it for the money (a necessity when younger, obviously). I suppose I was somewhat oblivious to the fact that DH wasn't doing the same. All my free time is spent with DC, which I love, but I literally do nothing for myself. I just work and do childcare. DH does loads around the house and with the kids (although I still do a 50% at least, including all night wakings, and all the planning/mental load). I have a cleaner. FWIW my DH loves his job, has hobbies and is a much happier person than me.

I just need a break. My mental health is on the floor, I'm snappy and feel like there is no point in life. I cry everyday. But financially there is no option for me to quit (I could not progress, but I can't quit). We do not live a lavish lifestyle but we don't need to think about money. I have savings but don't feel I could wipe them out (my DC's future) by going off sick and living off them. I've tried to explain to my DH but don't think he realises how bad I feel. I'm going to have to take medication but it's not going to address the actual problem.

I have no mental space to think about myself or even really think about my DC's non-immediate needs. I need a time out.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Why is your DH allowed hobbies but not you?

This.
You need to sit DH down and talk this through. Great that he's happy, but he absolutely needs to step up so that you can get a better balance too. And together make a plan to get out of that job you hate.

You are being a martyr because you know you need to make yourself more of a priority and yet you keep finding excuses as to why not.

Pick an evening that is unquestionably yours. Get the baby to bed and then go out to do something for YOU. Sit in a pub and nurse a glass of wine for all it matters, just do something that isn’t work or childcare. Swim, yoga, a walk, see a friend. Every Thursday night or whatever. It is an absolute non negotiable and your eldest will have to be to supported by your DH and they will figure out their own bedtime routine without you. You have to give up something that your DH can do so you can meet your own needs.

If a 9 day work week suits you, do it! Keep the childcare and don’t feel remotely guilty.

Take a day off. Just a day. Off to somewhere nice to drink coffee, browse bookshops and have some time to think.
what would you say to a friend whose life was like yours?
in business terms you have to look after the essential maintenance of the key business asset.
would couples counselling be worth considering?

I hear you OP and I had similar arrangements at home. It’s hard and there are no easy answers. Mine was to find a different job which was still stressful and demanding and paid well, but was somewhat less stressful and consequently paid a little bit less. However, the trade off for me was worth it. I love DH really but with hindsight I would have liked a more even relationship. Sometimes it is too much and I feel I take a real hit for everyone to live the lifestyle they live.

OP get a counsellor to talk to and carve out time for you to think about you. Do you get any supervision or career coaching through work - get that too.

I am the breadwinner and do all the mental load, shopping and lifts as DH is ill. I make myself like my job by making as many friendships and doing things in my terms where possible. I spend money on my - fitness and clothes and I have built a network of amazing women. We have meals out and nights away and while my children are now older than yours I did this when they were young too. A coffee and cake with a walk in a nice place can be quite the tonic. Make your dh work harder.

If you carry on and divorce eventually - he gets an entitlement to your pension, presuming it’s your pot that is growing. Think about different futures and how to protect yourself now. The answer is almost certainly by getting him to work harder as you only get one life and need to live it.

Me and DH split parental leave and the exact same thing happened to us. He slept through every night waking while I was on mat leave. I started not responding and sleeping through every wake up when he went on pat leave. It's all about who subconsciously think it's their responsibility. He doesn't respond because he knows you will - you do because you know he won't. No reason this can't change, he needs to step up

I am in almost the exact same position as you and the only thing that has really helped me is a really good councillor, so as other PP's have suggested I would highly recommend speaking to a councillor. It gives you that bit of you time each week (or mine is every other week) to mentally unload x

Hi OP. Lots of good advice given here. I am also the primary breadwinner with a DO who works PT and is not ambitious or high earning. His saving grace is that he does do a lot of the domestic load. Our kids are older though - teenagers now. A couple of things I would suggest - firstly I can see the sense in him being the PT, domestic parent but I’d caution that it’s likely be could get stuck in this role unless you and he make a plan. It may be hard to shift him from this position and so you by default stay the FT person- that’s what’s happened to us. That may be OK for you if he picks up more of the load at home, but just to mention it. I have made my peace with this by thinking that many women take the low ambition, home focused role and so it’s not unreasonable for my DO to do this.

The other piece of advice is harder to explain, and maybe I’m not reading your situation right. But when the kids were smaller I exhausted myself because I didn’t want to hand the bits over that made me still feel like a mum - so maybe the night feeds for you. I wasn’t able to behave as I think many men do in a FT breadwinner role and distance myself from the crying child in the night etc. But over the years the only way I’ve been able to survive in the breadwinner role is to do less of that stuff than I desperately wanted to and to embrace some of the perks of the breadwinner role. So eg I work late and DP puts my dinner on the table and washes it up, and I don’t feel guilty because I work long hours and he doesn’t. And the older the kids get the more I see the advantages of a FT job - security, independence etc.

Hopefully this makes sense and may be of some help.

OP, it is real sad to read how oblivious you are to just how self absorbed and srlfish your husband is.
Funny how happy these work shy guys are, doing the least they can get away with, with their hobbies and downtime, where their work horse wives pay for most things, mental load and their share of childcare.
That he lets you do all the wakings is positively disgusting.
He is a selfish prick.
That you think he loves you is sadder again.
He couldn't care less.
As long as you work yourself to the bone and he carrys on with his cushy number.

You will burn out and have a complete nervous breakdown if you continue.
What will your children do then?
Because that selfish prick won't step up.
Stop seeing yourself as a team.
Because you are not.
Stop paying your salary into the joint account.
Split things down the middle.
Start spending money on doing nice things for yourself and take some time for yourself.
Or pay for a nanny and get rid of that selfish loser.
You deserve so much better.
Tell family how bad you are feeling.
Tell your GP.
Take this seriously.

I would invest in a decent career coach. Someone who can help you see a path.

You're never truly stuck. It depends how much you need the change. Can you move to reduce the mortgage/rent? Can you drop half a day to have a little time back for yourself? Can you start taking Saturday mornings, as an example, for yourself?

Can you sidestep into a more forgiving career? A different employer may change your work expectations?

I’m the breadwinner. I have been all our married life because my field is much better paid than DH’s (equally skilled) role. I have felt a bit desperate at times from lack of sleep when DD was a baby, because we got the model that didn’t sleep through the night till she was three and a half, but I’ve never felt as close to burnout as you do because DH has always pulled his weight. He cut his hours to look after her: I do the morning routine and get her and myself out of the house, and he does everything else. So if I need to work late, I can, and I know DD is taken care of and the domestic front is covered. Effectively I’m living the life of a man with a stay at home wife, and it is so bloody easy compared with what most of my female contemporaries are dealing with that I actually feel embarrassed. You may have a job problem, but I think you primarily have a DH problem.

You’re a mum warrior! Well done for working and BF.

I understand how you feel it’s really hard. I too want to cut back but can’t afford it.

I'm the breadwinner and did a lot of nights and mornings with my first even though I stopped bf at 3 months. They didn't sleep through till 18 months and I went back to work after 5 as hubby was made redundant.

I didn't resent him as he was always looking and wanted to support us. Luckily he got a good job but it was a few years of contracting before he got made permanent. With our second he was more hands on and I took 10 months.

I think it's about attitude. If it's clear they don't feel that you're handling all the responsibility of home and work then it's not an issue. If they work hard same thing. Now he works full time and I work compressed hours over 4 days (so FT 8-6).

It's a lot more then I'd like but the day with the kids is so important to me and I'd like to keep it till they're both in school. He wanted to maximise his earnings though I'd rather he did 4. It's all about compromise.

I could have written a lot of your original post. Breadwinner, 2 small DC, my husband does pull his weight around the house and with childcare, but has a health condition which sometimes limits what he can do, and I do all the finances (work in finance). I'm more practically minded so most house maintenance falls to me, and I'm a "coper". It just feels relentless.
One thing which is non-negotiable for us is sleep and this stood out in your post. My husband sleeps very deeply and is almost impossible to wake. I do most night wakings, but if I'm "on shift" at night, he does the mornings, so any wakes from 4.30 / 5am ish are his shift. If your husband won't wake, can he sleep in the childrens room? We've got a baby proofed bedroom with floor beds and a stairgate, find somewhere baby proof for husband and children, put them all in together and go back to sleep. It might take a while to get used to tuning out the noise, but I love my morning sleep as its my only time to not feel on duty at all. Sometimes it sounds like all hell is breaking loose but I ignore it, go back to sleep and all is fine when I get up.
I'm also part time and fully reccomend it. I do have the DC at home with me on my day off, but every so often I book an extra day for them at nursery and have a day to myself to sleep, relax and do some life admin. It really helps. Or book a day of annual leave to sleep and reset.

Why does he need to do 75%?

I have felt like this when my DS was young, I was running an organization and was absolutely exhausted. I think a lot of people feel like you. I was a SP too - changed jobs after a few years but basically did senior jobs for 15 years before deciding I want something different and have now managed to take time off to retrain. At the very least don’t go for promotion - will make it worse surely? Can you cut your hours or make any changes to alleviate stress. Sabátical? Parental leave (that is a right until you children are 16). You need breathing space to work out how to enjoy your life more, maybe that means changing your lifestyle. My only regret is I didn’t make changes earlier. I felt trapped but I wasn’t really..,

Just saw this too, does your DH help with bedtime? My 4yo used to insist on me for bedtime and my youngest would scream the house down for me, so we started out with DH in the room, then progressed to taking turns for stories, it took a while but now either of us can do bedtime, I also have 1 day per week where I make sure I'm in the office late and not in the house for bedtime. That way everyone has to cope. Again, it took a while but was worth the pain. I felt ill a few days ago so DH did bedtime while I had a lie down. All was fine, 6 months ago it would have been unthinkable. I think I'm trying to say it's not necessarily your job that's the only problem, you just need to carve out some head space for yourself however you can.

@Canttakethepressureanymore our money goes in a joint pot too but that's the point.

DP knows now I'm on maternity the only way the pot will go from scrapping by to having fun is by him putting in the work. So he does. He doesn't want me and the kids to go without and only have the basics. So he picks up overtime then he feels a sense of accomplishment come payday when the whole family is going on a day out. Knowing that's thanks to those hours. It isn't about the money itself, it's about the sense of responsibility he feels in providing.

How your DP sees the money sat in the pot that his WIFE provided whilst also running herself into the ground taking care of the kids and doing night wakings is beyond me.

Does he not want more for his family? For his wife?

Does he not feel any sense of responsibility for your wellbeing?

I bet you'd feel very concerned and worried if your DP was busting his gut in a job he openly loathed whilst waking up through the night to care for your kids, paying most the bills and nearing a breakdown. You'd probably feel so concerned you'd do something.. like I don't know.. make more money? Wake up for the kids?

I'm guessing you wouldn't shrug your shoulders and continue scrolling on your phone as it's not your problem he's struggling.

I literally have no idea how these men come to be or how they lack such basic self respect and pride. It's bizarre it really is. But it's not my definition of a man and certainly not a life partner.

You deserve to be vulnerable. You deserve to be able to be passive. But you won't get it with this man.

This man will leave you in the desert without water.

Apologies if already mentioned as not RTFT. Have read all OP posts.

OP I saw you are bf and pumping, I had a very similar situation a few years ago, the mumsnet consensus was that the issues weren’t who did what during the day, it was that I was doing every single night waking while DH slept.

a few things that helped:
The couple of nights away in the hotel
really helped (learn from my mistake and remember the breast pump!)

switching sides of the bed, so co-sleeper cot was next to DH

doing an accurate food diary for DC, for me turns out DC had reversed cycled and was barely eating, so I was sustaining an 18 month old through bf, HV suggested this as DC had weaned from milk during the day but didn’t seem to eat much.

In all fairness I did and do have a supportive DH - we were both struggling though.

the other thing that helped was reading the love languages book and understanding how we expressed our appreciation of each other.

also have you tried tacking time on to your commute to
spend time sitting in the car doing nothing or I quite often sit and have quiet cup of tea in the office before / after work to get some me time!

If it helps things have got better for me!

Totally relate. My DC are a bit older - it absolutely gets easier. These are the things that helped me-
— going out once a week to see friends. Even if it’s a drink between 8-9. Or whatever or is you like to do.

acceptance - Your options are leave or accept. If you love him still then you have children and a husband you love. Pretty good going!

reframe - I bet he wishes he earned more and that he was the breadwinner . He’s probably slightly jealous of you. You are amazing!!! Be proud!

it does sound like most of the issue is that your DC are so small and dependent on you. It’s really tough. Really do try to go out once a week. I’f they struggle without you then so be it. It’s only a few hours .

Tbh OP it doesn't sound like he loves you or like you that much. He sure as hell doesn't respect you. But he loves that you're the ticket to his lifestyle choices.

You need to get tough. He bucks his ideas up and he quits thinking your role is to facilitate his cushy number. In a senior position at work you must have the skills to be tough, use them on him.

And start doing things for yourself, rediscover the real you. Given what you've written you won't find that easy to start with but with practice you'll be able to create an identity away from worker and wife. And that in turn will make it easier to assert yourself.

You need to come to terms with the idea that your current arrangements need a reset. You can't keep on as they are. And your husband needs to hear that loud and clear.

She’s at risk of burning herself out due to her husband’s selfishness and lack of care for her.

So I don’t think this is something to applaud given the context and what it’s doing to her - she needs to have a clear conversation with her partner and get him to step up
and she needs to scale back so she’s not turned into a stressed out zombie. That is real strength as opposed to working yourself into the ground

Sounds like you're not having it all op, but doing it all

Bear in mind that he is fine watching you do everything.

He allows you to bear the brunt, and does nothing to change that.

He's coasting along, whilst you struggle.

And he's fine with that.

He's not blind. He realises that you do everything, and are exhausted.

But it's not in his interests to change a situation that benefits him. Even though, as your husband, it should really be.

Sounds like he's taking the easy route because you're brining the cash in. Tell him to work harder because it's hard work for you.