Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

[Canttakethepressureanymore]

I am married with 2 young DC (I am the woman in the marriage). I am the primary earner - 2/3 of household income - and we have a very nice lifestyle on my salary. My DH works but has not/does not feel any need to push ahead in his career and earn more. In fact, he's thinking of scaling back.... I took short mat leaves so as not to interrupt my career progression. I'm now on the precipice of taking more senior roles (basically the very top of management) and I just can't take it.

I have always hated my work and only done it for the money (a necessity when younger, obviously). I suppose I was somewhat oblivious to the fact that DH wasn't doing the same. All my free time is spent with DC, which I love, but I literally do nothing for myself. I just work and do childcare. DH does loads around the house and with the kids (although I still do a 50% at least, including all night wakings, and all the planning/mental load). I have a cleaner. FWIW my DH loves his job, has hobbies and is a much happier person than me.

I just need a break. My mental health is on the floor, I'm snappy and feel like there is no point in life. I cry everyday. But financially there is no option for me to quit (I could not progress, but I can't quit). We do not live a lavish lifestyle but we don't need to think about money. I have savings but don't feel I could wipe them out (my DC's future) by going off sick and living off them. I've tried to explain to my DH but don't think he realises how bad I feel. I'm going to have to take medication but it's not going to address the actual problem.

I have no mental space to think about myself or even really think about my DC's non-immediate needs. I need a time out.

Has anyone else felt like this?

I don’t know why you think it’s ’unreasonable’ for him to take his turn???? He’s using you really and im surprised you don’t say that. Paying the bills is also his responsibility? I wonder how how your money is split month to month and what budget looks like. I’d be talking to work saying I can’t cope, and if they wouldn’t make changes, I’d plan to leave and go elsewhere and say to DH that from XX date the new household budget will look like this and show him a spreadsheet and say he has to pay in XX amount.
Id go as far as to say you are being taken advantage of actually and that in your shoes I’d expect him to be doing a lot round the house and a 50/60% of childcare so you have the same free time as him at the least.

Actually @Canttakethepressureanymore havong read the full thread I think he’s clearly fucking useless and I’d be laying down the law that he needs to step up or I’d be quitting the marriage. Do you find him attractive? He sounds like he’s absolutely coasting and doesn’t care about you really. You say he’s never bought you a gift? He does nothing to look after you? When Men don’t do these things its because, simply - they don’t want to. Is that good enough for you? Of course it isn’t. Find your inner strength, see your GP, get signed off sick and make some new rules.

Id also be seeing how things look financially if you were a unit without him. You might find you’re better off!!!! In every way. Good luck x

This!!! Don’t wait for your DH to notice or ask if you need help, that’s clearly never going to happen. Sit him down, lay it out, get him involved in the solution.

I'm not corporate or anywhere near what your seniority may be but I get you OP. I have become bitter and resentful and now realise that I've married a dud because he's the same as your husband. We'll be divorcing by the end of the year because I'm massively overwhelmed at being responsible for most things. He can't even cope with meeting the children's needs and regularly goes for lie downs and breaks while I hold the fort. Get some coaching or therapy and start planning ahead. Your health should be your number one priority- don't be me- I'm depressed, have gained so much weight and am losing hair. No one cares so it's time I started to care for myself. I deserve it.

I'm sure on some level you know this, but your DH being a useless mope when tired is his choice. He sounds useless in every aspect - basically does the bits of adulting/parenting he want to and calls it a fair contribution. Happy to watch you grind yourself into dust for an easy life for him.

This.

It's better for him to be a useless mope than for you to run yourself into the ground.

He's just going to have to cope with being a bit tired.

I would divide the bed times 50:50 and the night wakings and morning wake ups.

If he doesn't wake up on his night/morning, I would shake him awake and then lie back down. You'll still have interrupted sleep, but better than having to actually get up every night.

I can't believe he's just bumbling happily along and not caring about how ridiculously unfair the set up is. He needs a kick up the arse!

Having read all your updates I’ve lost all sympathy for you. You make excuse after excuse for him. He can’t get up in the morning? Bullshit. I’d never tolerate that.

Your DH is a much happier person than you and you’re surprised?! What stress does he carry? He’s literally coasting along while you carry the load for the entire family. With a baby under 1? Shocking. How do you have any respect for this man?

Oh and men like your husband who genuinely don't care for their wives are the very first to go for your pension after years of doing the least they can get away.
Taking 50% of everything you earned whilst they lived a cushy life.

He doesn't want to hear about how hard you find it.
He actually cares little for your children too.
He doesn't care if their mother's health is long term impacted, he cares only for himself.

You are young now but the stress levels you are enduring puts you on the path for sniper alley.

Sniper alley is when women hit their 40's and 50's and their years of stress becomes a huge factor in the breakdown of their health with various life changing, often life ending illnesses.

Please don't sacrifice yourself for such a selfish man.
You deserve so much better.
Protect your health while you can.

Oh and whether you want to believe it or not, his refusal to be involved with any wakings or mornings is full on emotional abuse.

You have picked a truly bad man to have children with, make no mistake about that.

I would be devastated if you were my daughter, to know you were with such a waster.

I completely understand the pressure you're feeling. I remember feeling like I'd done a day's work before I even dropped off my child at school.

It's easy for your husband to operate under the radar and, to be fair to him, probably doesn't actually realise the acute crisis that is gaining momentum here. Of course you need time out, you're approaching burnout and absolutely deserve better.

I think communication is the issue here - both in terms of having a serious talk with your husband, telling him exactly how you feel. Also you definitely need some uninterrupted time for yourself and would suggest counselling to explore all the issues that are affecting you. Maybe that will give you some clarity as to the way forward.

I have a daughter your age, also with two children - she's on maternity leave at the moment, but is realising she can't do her demanding corporate job and is looking for something less demanding WFH. It's so depressing to me that we're a generation further on from me, and nothing has changed - become a mother and pay the ultimate price of no time to yourself, stress and guilt. It shouldn't be this way.

You don't mention your Mum? If she's still around and you have a good relationship with her, maybe talk to her? You will get an extra perspective from another woman's point of view. Maybe she can help you find solutions, or maybe even a bit of practical help too, if she lives near to you?

You say you hate your job, as others have suggested that needs exploration with a job coach. Think about whether you actually want to be doing it for the next twenty plus years just for the money. You deserve professional fulfilment too - maybe a different company with a better work culture? You are not trapped, you just feel you are - re-frame your work life to suit you better for the long term.

Your husband sounds a good man, albeit one with his head in the sand. Talk to him, make him see how serious this is for your mental health and stress you absolutely can't go on without more support. Bless you, find a way through for yourself and ultimately for the well-being of all of you.

Sounds like you need a couple of nights away somewherevery relaxing.

Meanwhile your husband will learn how to get the children to sleep without you and it will force him to be the one to get up in the night. If you're not there I suspect he will, miraculously, find that he is able to do it.

Then when you get back he needs to do bedtimes - at least some nights - so you get time in the evening to yourself

Re-frame what you said about the dc needing you at night etc. They need SOMEONE at night etc.
If you were to have an accident and end up in hospital for a couple of weeks he would HAVE TO pull his weight on all domestic fronts.

I also did extended bf.. your supply is well established now, plus the little one is not reliant on you for sustenance at this stage. They can eat meals/drink cow's milk/yoghurt etc. The breastfeeding gives many other benefits but don't run yourself ragged trying to pump on top of everything else to maintain a supply level, only do it if you need to for you because you are engorged or similar

You are me 18 years ago, except my husband stopped work to be SAHP which helped as I would do laundry, but he did all other household chores. I was also on antidepressants to make sure the wheels didn’t come off.
we took turns at night/early mornings.

I did enjoy my job though..

Because she has a more stressful demanding job and earns 75% of the income, it's right there in her post..

And definitely ditch the pumping! I did extended BFing (more than 3 years). Your supply is very well established now and will be there for the amount of BFing you're doing. At that age I was only doing 2 BFs each day and none at night. That dropped to once a day by about 18mo. We did alternate bedtimes and supply was fine to flex around whether I was doing bedtime or DH was with a bottle.

Slowly drop the pumping to avoid engorgement or leaking and that will take some of the pressure off your time.

This isn’t how it works when we’re discussing women with higher earning partners. Why is it different because the partner is a man in this situation?

For clarity, I had read and understood the post. I hadn’t understood why you thought a lower earning partner owed unpaid labour and mental load to the higher earner.

11 month old and an older child really could be sleeping through the night. You can fix this quite easily.

The other obvious thing to do is to sacrifice a little bit of your "very nice lifestyle" while your children are so young.

I'm sympathetic but you seem to want things to magically change around you, while not making changes yourself.

Thanks for all the advice, solidarity and the harsh home truths!

This is a situation we have drifted into and it's only really just hitting me.

I have to say I definitely have an issue with baby having a huge feed in the middle of the night. Not sure how to rectify that though - they are really hungry and struggle to physically eat enough solids to fill them, I think. Even with a bottle before bed, the night feed is huge - genuine hunger, not comfort.

Older mum here, but at 11 months my hungry baby had a feed of baby rice mixed with breast milk to knock him out ...and it worked. We did it from 9 months on advice from a nurse. I was shattered and it worked.

Thanks. Do you mean immediately before bed?

Milupa Orange..just looked it up...its still around 20 years later!...saved my sanity, he loved it and it so help when i was on my knees.

FWIW my DH loves his job, has hobbies and is a much happier person than me

You need to take a leaf out of his book and aim for the same. Life's too short for anything else

Yea, we used to mix a small bowl of it with milk and it just seemed to set him up for the night. He was very hungry and it seemed to settle him and knock him out. It really extended the night hours to 5-6-7 hours and made a huge difference to how settled he was.
My intention was to try with a few spoonfuls as the nurse suggested but he loved it and wanted more. It just really settled and knocked him out!
It worked for us.
We got 6 hours uninterrupted 🙏🙏

Idk what you're getting from these posts but nowhere did anyone say 'a lower earning partner owes unpaid labour and mental load to the higher earner.' Both partners need to contribute equally to the family and household.

OP says she has a more demanding and stressful job and therefore has no time for herself on top of childcare, while DH has a more relaxing job and has personal time and hobbies. So therefore he should be taking on proportionate childcare/household tasks.