Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

[Canttakethepressureanymore]

I am married with 2 young DC (I am the woman in the marriage). I am the primary earner - 2/3 of household income - and we have a very nice lifestyle on my salary. My DH works but has not/does not feel any need to push ahead in his career and earn more. In fact, he's thinking of scaling back.... I took short mat leaves so as not to interrupt my career progression. I'm now on the precipice of taking more senior roles (basically the very top of management) and I just can't take it.

I have always hated my work and only done it for the money (a necessity when younger, obviously). I suppose I was somewhat oblivious to the fact that DH wasn't doing the same. All my free time is spent with DC, which I love, but I literally do nothing for myself. I just work and do childcare. DH does loads around the house and with the kids (although I still do a 50% at least, including all night wakings, and all the planning/mental load). I have a cleaner. FWIW my DH loves his job, has hobbies and is a much happier person than me.

I just need a break. My mental health is on the floor, I'm snappy and feel like there is no point in life. I cry everyday. But financially there is no option for me to quit (I could not progress, but I can't quit). We do not live a lavish lifestyle but we don't need to think about money. I have savings but don't feel I could wipe them out (my DC's future) by going off sick and living off them. I've tried to explain to my DH but don't think he realises how bad I feel. I'm going to have to take medication but it's not going to address the actual problem.

I have no mental space to think about myself or even really think about my DC's non-immediate needs. I need a time out.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Yep exactly the same. I have go hold it together too..sort the kids out earn the money looking for opportunities all the time. My counsellor told me about the drama triangle. I'm apparently the rescuer. Many women are. It makes perfect sense when I looked it up

I'm sorry.

Yes that's how I feel - not one single person in my life ever asks if I'm ok. I feel very uncared about because I am competent and organised!

DH can wake up, he just knows that if he doesn’t do it immediately then you definitely will.

I’d give him two options.

1. He can have his ‘turn’ of progressing and making more money with you eventually taking a step back or just not progressing yourself.
2. He goes part time but then does the majority of bedtimes, night wakings etc.

Your DC may not like it but they would adjust with time.

OK, you need to take some time off sick. Am assuming you get paid sick leave?

During this absence, you do whatever is needed to wean baby off bf. You have a serious talk with DH about stepping up or you will be shipping out.

Take some time to recuperate and recharge and think about whether this job is worth returning to.

I think you need to start by leaving your children for one night. Just a small break.

then you need to figure out a medium term plan of who settles the kids each night and who gets up in the morning. If I’ve read correctly you are doing every single bedtime, night waking and 6am start for two small kids as well as working full time. Regardless of who is earning what, this is imbalanced.

I think you need to spell out to your husband that he has two choices:

You carry in as you are you will burn out. This is not a viable option and so you have to do something

Either he takes on the lions share of home stuff so you can concentrate on your career.

Or you agree to cut back as a family - hobbies, holidays, treats like takeaways so you can cut back your hours

You're not struggling with the pressure of being the breadwinner. You're struggling with the pressure of being fucking everything- breadwinner, main carer, main organiser, main household manager. What's your husband's main area of responsibility? From what you've written, it sounds like it's 'himself'

You sound like you're successful at work. What would you say to an employee in your team if they were coasting and contributing as little as your husband?

Yes that is correct but it has been that way for a long time - largely based on the fact that I'm a natural lark. Of course, this ignores the fact that nothing needs doing during his 'owl' hours.

I am so reluctant to go off sick by having not that long returned from mat leave (about 4 months ago) but it may have to be that way....I think I would get a few months on full pay.

Yes I think that's true to a large degree. I think the issue is my DH does do a lot but not what I actually NEED him to do. The sleep thing is a problem because he's just so bloody useless and a mope when he's tired.

Only wean baby off BF if you or baby are ready. BF regulates your hormones, bringing cortisol levels down. Great after a stressful day. I too work full time and currently BF my 21m old, night feeding is neither here or there and for me, a time for connection for us seen as though I'm away from her working in the day.
I think It's your fella that needs to step up. At work, can you drop a day? How many hours does your husband work?

It appears you're in the thick of the most stressful years of bringing children up. You are doing amazing, a super mum. Other posters are right though. You need to put yourself first, regularly, weekly, to recharge. I've begun to do this.. few pouts... but I'm strutting it out.

If your husband "can't" get out of bed, I think I'd start by bodily pushing him out. He'll wake when he's on the floor.

I'm sorry, that's not much help but pre-kids I also struggled with early mornings and being woken during the night.

But I got my act together after having children because there wasn't the option not to.

He's coasting at the expense of your physical and mental health. It's that simple.

It may feel very counterintuitive to go for the promotion/higher position at the moment but sometimes being at the top of the food chain brings a bit more freedom and flexibility. I think that where you are (almost at the top!) is the most stressful place to be. You are constantly trying to prove yourself, feeling that you have to say yes to everyone etc etc. I know it doesn’t solve the DH/home situation but I wouldn’t absolutely discount climbing the career ladder. You just need to be in a place where you can think objectively about it and make the right decision.

Re the night waking, I saw something on TV once with a gay couple who had adopted a baby. The chap doing the majority of the childcare woke up easier so did the night wakings. The interesting thing was that they shared their adoption leave so swapped over after however many months. A few days after the swap over the other dad was waking fine and the first one sleeping through! I honestly can't remember what the programme was but it stuck with me that night wakings go with the main carer. Your H could and should do more of these. I think broken sleep has a lot to answer for.

I am NOT a 1950s housewife by any means. I work in a professional job (albeit part time) and I am all for women having careers and earning top buck. Now that being said..

WTF IS UP WITH THESE BETA/PASSIVE MEN?!?!!

I honestly don't get it. No pride in providing for their families. No pride in instead of being the earner, being domesticated and primary parent. Not even trying to be 50/50.

Living in women's houses, earning the minimum they can get away with, not pulling their full weight with the kids. Scrolling on their phones on the sofa whilst their wives scurry around them, burnt out.

Do you have to fuck yourself too? (Tongue in cheek)

Honestly my DP isn't perfect or misogynistic by any means but he would rather be out on the streets shovelling shit on top of his full-time job than have have me working myself into the ground, being primary breadwinner and doing the default childcare.
Where is the shame?!!

He is not a teenage boy and your are everyone's mum including his. He's a MAN. An actual man.

To be honest if he doesn't have that 'pride' within himself to take care of you and his family then he never will. It's an innate sense of responsibility for your family that some men just don't have. A lot more of them don't these days unfortunately.

I would honestly plan your future with the mindset that he won't change. But that doesn't mean your situation won't.

You could either split up which would get rid of the resentment side of things and you'd know it was down to you so be easier.

Or

You could downsize your house. Sell up and move somewhere a lot cheaper even if it's not as nice. Or extend your mortgage. Have lower mortgage payments so you can reduce your hours.

See if you can condense your hours to 4 days.

You need to pretend your paycheck was going to be half in 6 months time and plan accordingly. You'll be surprised what you come up with when your backs against the wall.

I wish you love and success and appreciation.

But you seriously do need to think about who your sharing a bed with. The person your with doesn't allow you to be vulnerable. You have to be strong all the time. It's not healthy.

I thrived as the breadwinner but that was because A) I loved my job and B) DH pulled his weight.

You need to change your career. PP have suggested various career counselling services and this seems like a plan. Life's too short to work your arse off at a job you hate.

The next step is to renogiate your marriage. This may take time and patience. My DH was a very reasonable man. Hope yours is too. Good luck!

OP I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect your marriage (and the financial provision for your family) to be a team effort.

Its unusual with small dc for both parents to earn the same amount, one
normally works/earns more.

@Canttakethepressureanymore can you deal with the job if you had less to do at home?

I feel for you as that is such a perpetually difficult situation. I think you do need to make changes or you may burn out, and not in the light way that’s too often used but just physically and emotionally burnt out.
what area do you work in?
could you switch to a third sector role? Much better environments on the whole.
could you move somewhere more affordable for you to do something different?
don’t go part time! In my experience you still have the same work load for less money and only buy yourself a pitiful bit of flexibility

If it’s the job you need to weigh up the change in lifestyle if you were to change your job/reduce your earnings.

I totally empathise - and have been where you are - or at least next door. First of all, this is not indefinite: your children will get older and sleep better. In the interim though it sounds like you urgently need sleep - and some time out at the weekend doing something that gives you a holiday from your thoughts - whether that is going to the cinema or reading a book or whatever it is that you know will bring you momentary peace.

Secondly, if you hate your job - and I find having small children can crystallise certain feelings - start researching a way out. A plan might help you feel more in control. Also, again, sleep.

My DCs are now older and I've found a better balance - ie I promise the situation can improve.

Reading all this stuff, I'd say better off without the
DH.
But that's just me.

Why is it that men get to just not wake up or cope with lack of sleep??

I was the one in my marriage who earned less and worked part time so I picked up more of the domestic load because that was fair.

I would have a serious conversation with your DH about equality in your relationship.

My DC are all late teens now and it is interesting to see when we (my friends) are at a point when we can easily choose to leave our husbands how easy it is for those whose DH's were just dicks earlier on.

Wow.
Couldn't say it better!
👏

I'm sorry OP. Sounds really difficult. The only thing I'd say is, I'd be surprised anyone with a BF 11 month old and just back to work FT would be finding it easy. I know you've done it before but returning to work after mat leave is just an incredibly hard adjustment imo, and especially if you're up in the night. I wonder, even if nothing changed, if you'd feel differently in a year's time. What do you think?

Haha!

Yes, it is absolutely terrible to say it - I don't want to be at home full time - but I want him to step up! Never, ever has he done anything to 'look after' me. Never even bought me a gift not chosen by me. Sometimes I just want to be looked after in some small way and I'd like him to have some ambition to provide for his family, like I do.

I know quite a few women in my position and, interestingly, he had a very career orientated mother.

Canttakethepressureanymore ,it seems he doesn't function at all, it's a good job the breathing is built in or you would be doing that as well. Please sort something out or you are going to be very very ill. See a therapist because you are not equipped to deal with this on your own. X

OP I totally get you. My family is a similar setup -I am the higher earner x 4, my DH does a low paid job with fewer hours. My job is high stress, lots of overtime etc. You can make it work. The number one thing is preventing burnout. It’s so easy to go past the point of no return, and that’s very difficult to come back from. So you need to prevent burnout - take days of A/L to yourself if possible. Have five hours every weekend where DH has the kids, and you get to sit in a cafe with a book. Whatever works for you. You are the main earner here, and he actually needs to put some respect on that.

I always think about 30-50 years ago, when men were usually the main earner, and they got to fuck off to golf or football or the pub all weekend to decompress. Somehow women have taken on the role of main earner, without any of the respect or consideration that comes with it. If you burn out, the whole family fails. DH needs to understand that.

Secondly - he needs to be doing more than 50% of the chores and childrearing. He just does.

Thirdly, is there any way you can move your role into a fully WFH industry? While my job is stressful/long hours, it is WFH which helps me manage my stress a lot (can take an hour for a dog walk or the gym if needed).