Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

[Canttakethepressureanymore]

I am married with 2 young DC (I am the woman in the marriage). I am the primary earner - 2/3 of household income - and we have a very nice lifestyle on my salary. My DH works but has not/does not feel any need to push ahead in his career and earn more. In fact, he's thinking of scaling back.... I took short mat leaves so as not to interrupt my career progression. I'm now on the precipice of taking more senior roles (basically the very top of management) and I just can't take it.

I have always hated my work and only done it for the money (a necessity when younger, obviously). I suppose I was somewhat oblivious to the fact that DH wasn't doing the same. All my free time is spent with DC, which I love, but I literally do nothing for myself. I just work and do childcare. DH does loads around the house and with the kids (although I still do a 50% at least, including all night wakings, and all the planning/mental load). I have a cleaner. FWIW my DH loves his job, has hobbies and is a much happier person than me.

I just need a break. My mental health is on the floor, I'm snappy and feel like there is no point in life. I cry everyday. But financially there is no option for me to quit (I could not progress, but I can't quit). We do not live a lavish lifestyle but we don't need to think about money. I have savings but don't feel I could wipe them out (my DC's future) by going off sick and living off them. I've tried to explain to my DH but don't think he realises how bad I feel. I'm going to have to take medication but it's not going to address the actual problem.

I have no mental space to think about myself or even really think about my DC's non-immediate needs. I need a time out.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Why on earth are you pumping for an 11 month old? Feed them at night and get them in formula or cows milk the rest of the time. Why are you making life so hard for yourself?

And I really don’t understand why you had more than one child with someone who is so useless at helping to parent them. Go away for a few days and leave him to it. They will all survive and learn to cope without you. Problem solved.

I know you say flexible working and dropping a day isn’t an option but have you at least requested it? To see what your options are?

I only say this because my dad was a partner working all hours and my mum essentially said it was divorce or he goes part time.

My dad had said for years part time wasn’t an option as no one else did it and was worried about his job etc. but he requested, the other partners accepted it and interestingly another partner went part time shortly after too!

Best thing my dad did, he’s just retired now at 59 after a very successful career.

Honestly, I just want to feel like the option is there for me to step back a little and him to push forward. I'm not going to throw away the career I've worked for but I would like a little flex to tailor it a little and take my foot off the peddle.

I don't actually find babies too difficult. I feel this more now as older children are more complex - you need to think of strategies to deal with things and have the space to talk to them. Their problems only get bigger.

It might help to focus on the plus sides of being the higher earner as well - of which there are many. You will never be stuck with any man. It will always be 100% your choice to be in the marriage, which is very freeing. It will become a lot easier as the children get older as well. But DH needs to pull his weight.

I couldn't feed DC1 and have supply paranoia...and a massive stash of breast milk!

Not sure why having a useless husband qualifies you as sick. Get him to pull his weight so you can make more time for yourself.

agree. What is he doing in his ‘owl’ hours? What are all these busy things he’s doing that you don’t need done?

Before you completely burn out ...

• Get some blood tests - you might actually be ill if you feel this rough
• Stop bf as this will be draining your energy
• Get sleep training sorted
• Stop worrying what work thinks - you're at risk of burning out anyway. Consider getting signed off for a couple of weeks. It's better than completely burning out
• Step back and rethink your finances. What about moving somewhere cheaper so you can have a reset? What about going interest only or increasing mortgage term to give you some options? What about a lifestyle rethink so you can have more choice?
• You don't have to keep moving upwards. It’s fine to step sideways and go part time for a bit. Talk to some recruitment consultants or a career coach

You can't take medication to get through a job when your h could step up and do more. Not help more. Do more.

Chilling out I guess! I wouldn't know, as I'm asleep!

He does the cooking, the finances and 50% of pick-up/drop offs.

I understand OP. I am the main earner too, although my job is not as stressful as yours sounds. My DP has been at his job for nearly 20 years but it's not good money.

I have found the pressure and logistics difficult since getting pregnant and having my child. I think I hadn't really realised how hard it is to financially manage maternity leave and early years of children when you're the main earner but also the mother.

I didn't want to take a short maternity leave as I'd been looking forward to it my whole life and desperately wanted that time with my baby. And so I drained a lot of my savings to afford a year off. And now the logistics of hoping to have a dc2...I don't have the same available money to save up like I used to so it's really difficult. We also need to move for more space ideally but couldn't move before a DC2 as I couldn't pay a higher mortgage on maternity leave. The current one will be challenge enough.

It's a lot of pressure to have on your shoulders and I do find myself feeling really envious towards friends who are able to have that more traditional set up of the man earning more/the same so that they can be supported during these difficult years, even just through maternity leave.

Start by losing your absolute fucking shit at your “D”H. Why are you not absolutely furious at this situation?

I'm getting furious at his lack of care for how it's making me feel. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable in wanting him to step up a little and get some ambition. I've only really just realised that my salary has been allowing him to coast along. If I weren't there, he'd need to pull his finger out! But he is happy so have always taken the view that it's better if one of us is!

To respond to your original question OP, no I have never felt like this. Partly because my husband pulls his weight but partly also because I refuse to take on more than my share. I think often it’s the martyr that facilitates this type of situation and then has a breakdown which in reality is entirely avoidable.

I know women who are extremely busy in high pressure roles that complain, but then they never change anything and I think that they secretly like being super important, needed and busy. Are you one of these people? If you aren’t, you clearly need to just make life changes and stop facilitating your husbands laziness. You are setting a bad example for your children by working yourself into the ground and being miserable. Would you want them to take after you and do the same? Be an example and change things so your husband gets shit done, earns more and you can scale back. Or just survive on less money. Many do, and we all know money doesn’t buy happiness.

I totally see the martyr argument but not sure it's that straightforward. I have always been an achiever and a coper. I have never asked for below with anything, ever! Can't think of a single example. Must be some childhood thing.... I do feel huge guilt at leaving my children and/or going to do something nice. Appreciate that's my issue but I don't like to feel 'important' because, as I said, nobody actually cares about how I feel!

I’m in a similar situation. I negotiated a 9 day fortnight on full time pay, on the proviso that I work when I need to including evenings and weekends regularly and it works for nobody if I start working 90% because that’s what they would be paying me. I still deliver everything I need to (and often do bits of work on the 10th day) but just having a bit of a break every 2 weeks from the constant stress and hamster wheel is really helpful.

@Canttakethepressureanymore

This is the problem with these type of set ups.

You are never given the space to channel your 'feminine energy' so to speak.

Yes being high earning and a boss is fantastic and deserves all the accolades.
But being able to hand over the reins and 'just be' is such a need within us that often gets looked over.

You are a wife. You are a woman. Not just an accomplished employee and caregiver to children.

When was the last time you were able to feel feminine? Feel passive? Be vulnerable? Safe in the knowledge that shit was still taken care of? Felt safe?

It's not anti-feminist to yearn to live a soft life. A life when you can 'just be' now and again without everything going to shit.

You'd be enabled to do this if your DP had something about him. That sense of pride I spoke about in an earlier post.

An example, my DP last month worked overtime as I'm on maternity leave and pay has gone down. When he got paid he insisted I used some of the extra cash to get my hair done and getting our toddler the full teletubbies set. Now I can pay for my own hair. But that's not the point. I felt looked after. I can tell he felt a real sense of pride watching me looking up new hairstyles on Pinterest and getting excited about my new do. Then he loved watching the look on my toddlers face when she got the missing teletubbies for her set. He did that. His overtime. His hard work.

Likewise when I go back to work next month I'll be taking him to the new steak bar that opens with my first proper paycheck. So it's not a 'take take take' one way thing.

Women deserve and need to be taken care of. We're not just caregivers to all (and now primary breadwinners too, anything else they wanna add?) FFS.

You can't make him feel the yearn to provide or care for his family in the way you need him too. It's an innate thing that's deeper than money.

Your baby is young. But you do need to give yourself time and space to breath and think. X

Do you look after your kids on that day? Really feel like a need a day to myself but I know I would feel bad sending them to childcare if not working..

You need to simplify. You have a comfortable income so you can afford help. You can also downsize to afford any extra help.

• Nanny/ au pair
• cleaner
• gardener
• family PA ( if you can afford)
• Use a laundry service

Drop the ‘extra’ work. All birthdays/christmases from parents, to nephews to kids playmates- all get cash in a card. Organise birthdays cards on moonpig in advance. It’s not forever, but the next few years , it’s a load off the mind.

assign jobs to husband:

• organises the food shopping delivery and makes dinner
• Assign his contact details as the main contact for the school. All emails are to go to his account.
• In charge of school lunches/ backpacks/PE kits and music bags.

This is me too. My children are older now. So they are a lot more independent.

Career coach is a good idea. Do you have a mentor ? A good friend irl? Go out with them for brunch. Do it this coming weekend. Coming into winter you'll need self care. Be kind to yourself. I wish I did this more.

Well I never thought about it like that!

We don't do gifts like that because all the money just goes into one pot. It would never in a million years occur to my DH to 'treat me' 😂. Fascinating how other people's marriages work!

I actually usually still send her because the nursery don’t operate on a 9 day fortnight basis so I’m still paying for the place. I only have one child and I do feel bad for sending her sometimes, which is something I’ve had to reconcile in my head but it does wonders for my mental health when I’m under a lot of pressure just to get some time to myself (I know that’s a luxury!) and catch up on things. I know in my head I have the option to keep her home and try to pick her up early.

There's the problem right there. You can do it. Your children will cope for a few days.

No one can pour from an empty cup. You need to prioritise yourself

I'm the higher earner in my relationship, and I work twice the number of hours
DH consequently does almost all of the life admin and the cooking. Cleaning is more me but that partly because I find it a good stress reliever.

I take a spa day once every quarter, by myself. And most weekends I get a half day to do whatever I want.

I also hate my job and feel stuck to maintain the income but I've had a job coach this year and she has helped me see that I can make some tweaks so that I'll like it more, and if not would give me more transferable skills. It's a 2 year plan but I'm really happy to think I'm not stuck like this forever.

I think your children will care how you feel, even if they don’t show it. You should scale back and be your best self for them. I hope you can! Money and a comfortable life doesn’t come close to replacing a happy and present parent.