Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

[Canttakethepressureanymore]

I am married with 2 young DC (I am the woman in the marriage). I am the primary earner - 2/3 of household income - and we have a very nice lifestyle on my salary. My DH works but has not/does not feel any need to push ahead in his career and earn more. In fact, he's thinking of scaling back.... I took short mat leaves so as not to interrupt my career progression. I'm now on the precipice of taking more senior roles (basically the very top of management) and I just can't take it.

I have always hated my work and only done it for the money (a necessity when younger, obviously). I suppose I was somewhat oblivious to the fact that DH wasn't doing the same. All my free time is spent with DC, which I love, but I literally do nothing for myself. I just work and do childcare. DH does loads around the house and with the kids (although I still do a 50% at least, including all night wakings, and all the planning/mental load). I have a cleaner. FWIW my DH loves his job, has hobbies and is a much happier person than me.

I just need a break. My mental health is on the floor, I'm snappy and feel like there is no point in life. I cry everyday. But financially there is no option for me to quit (I could not progress, but I can't quit). We do not live a lavish lifestyle but we don't need to think about money. I have savings but don't feel I could wipe them out (my DC's future) by going off sick and living off them. I've tried to explain to my DH but don't think he realises how bad I feel. I'm going to have to take medication but it's not going to address the actual problem.

I have no mental space to think about myself or even really think about my DC's non-immediate needs. I need a time out.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Tbh I think you need to drop him in it. Take a week off. Book into a hotel and tell him he can fucking well hold the fort while you have a rest and you'll be doing some thinking about the roles you're both playing in this relationship.

Go and have some time to yourself. Before you pop.

@Canttakethepressureanymore - only just posting but your thread has really struck me.

I don't think the long term answer is a bunch of specific solutions (eg stop breastfeeding, DH gets up with the DC some mornings). The fundamental problem is that communication between you and DH is broken and you will just feel more and more frustrated and resentful until you've been married 30 years and it's even more miserable than it is now. I think to fix the fundamental issue couple counselling might be helpful, to give you a way of meaningfully communicating. It sounds like you've just given up because he doesn't listen, entirely understanable. Appreciate it might be hard to get to a counselling session with small DC - can you think what might help achieve that?

Having said that, in the short term, I personally would stop BF (I BF for over a year with my DC, so I do get it) - I know that's not straightforward but it is possible. Not convinced that your 11 month old is "really hungry" even if they have a big feed. Also, surely pumping is really unnecessary? You said it's a hang up of previous supply issues with DC1 - so you don't need to do it at 11 months with DC2!

I also think it's honestly pathetic that your DH "can't" wake up, is a "mope" if tired. I hate being woken up in the night, hate being sleep deprived, but just did it when my DC were young. That's what adults do. I think that's another communication thing that counselling night help with?

I sympathise with your reputation as a "coper" - me too, my friends and family would be very surprised about any of the things I've struggled with as I appear very competent, organised, on top of things. But I also agree that some of what you've posted does sound slightly martyr-ish. You CAN just take time away from the DC. You KNOW they won't die. You ARE allowed to do something (anything!) for yourself. For some things, it sounds like you are making excuses that you could actually work your way round. And making excuses for your DH.

I really hope the sertraline helps - it did help me a lot with general anxiety, although I then put on 10kg of weight and have recently come off it. But it was worth taking for a bit, and not everyone gets the weight gain.

An update for anyone who is interested.

I think I'm going to go for divorce. There have been some very stressful incidents recently during which DH stepped up to look after the children when I needed him to but his concern for me was absolutely zero. I'm so sad that he continues to prove my suspicions - that he just doesn't really care about me, maybe even LIKE me at all - continue to be proven right.

I remember your OP.

I was horrified that your dh seemed to be content to do the bare minimum while you flogged yourself. As I recall he wanted to do even less.

Im not surprised to hear you're leaving him. If this is going to be the outcome I think you're right to do it sooner than later.

Have you spoken about your issues? Have you had any couples counselling?

Divorce can be a huge relief but it doesn't solve everything (personal experience, no regrets)

Thank you! And I think it was your post that really resonated with me!

He wants to try counselling. I'm not sure I can forgive his disregard for me. Pretty sure he wants just to save the status quo, nothing else.

I am glad you have found your way to put yourself first. You can’t live with someone who doesn’t care for you.

Pay for excellent legal advice and good counselling.

And does he want to try stepping up and sharing the burden?

How old is your older one? I totally relate to your post and I'm thinking of all this advice but honestly I am the same and can't take the advice myself. 16 month old still bf, is teething and literally attached to my boob / me. I am so knackered. I've booked a week off work and not told dh. Just so I can lie here while she's in nursery and hide. I am so run down and catch every bug under the sun.
Would have loved two but it just seems too hard. I take my hat off to you!!
Try and take a couple of weeks off work somehow, hols (you probably have loads from mat leave) or sick leave?

So tell him this! Loud and clear. Spell it out. At least if you do that and nothing changes, you know it’s because deep down he doesn’t care about you.

You are deep in the trenches with a baby and small child. These years are HARD! You both need to be working as a team, pulling together in the same direction. It sounds like he is doing the absolute bare minimum that he can get away with in EVERY aspect of his life. You are resentful of him because you expect more than he is giving to your family. Your expectations are perfectly reasonable, and quite frankly you deserve better.

OP I’m sorry to read your update, but not entirely surprised. The resentment has probably become too much, and it’s clear he doesn’t care that you’ve been suffering for a long time.

It’s difficult to accept that he doesn’t care about your wellbeing beyond providing him a nice easy lifestyle.

Time to focus on yourself and your children, get a shit hot lawyer and protect yourself, he’s not going to easily give up his meal ticket.

If you were a man this thread would be full of posters telling you Man up, Grow up, stop being so pathetic, it isn't about you.

Sorry, I have no sympathy OP. Being an adult, who chose to have children, what were you expecting?

At least give Op the courtesy of reading the fucking thread. Maybe just her replies and updates?

I’m just really sorry that things are so tough OP.

You are the worst kind of poster. You come onto a long thread that started 7 months ago, you don't read any of OP's updates and you post the predictable responses of the standard mean and goady poster, e.g.; grow up', stop being pathetic', 'it's not about you'. You missed out 'get a grip' and 'you sound like hard work'.

It's obvious you have no sympathy (or empathy) so it didn't need to be said so proudly.

If you had empathy and compassion understanding you'd be a different person. Off you pop love, if you've nothing supportive to contribute. 👋🏼

@Canttakethepressureanymore good luck. Get some professional advice from a good solicitor and a better life awaits you, with someone who adores you, values your efforts and gives you the love, support and respect you deserve. 💐

So sorry for you.
Oh yes, he will absolutely be genuinely concerned at his cushty number ending now that his work horse and atm is thinking of shutting down.

You have been abused by him in his disregard.
Stop giving him access to your money.
Put it in a sole account.
Stop paying for anything and i mean anything that benefits him.
Car, subscriptions.

Get legal advice as to how you minimise how this user can extract money from you from a divorce.

One thing i have noted is lazy selfish men in low paid hobby jobs are very very money aware when divorce comes to their door.

So you need legal advice.
Too late for counselling.
How long are you married?
Less time, less division of assets.

We are here for you.
Counselling doesn't help wasters like him be a decent human being.