Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

[Canttakethepressureanymore]

I am married with 2 young DC (I am the woman in the marriage). I am the primary earner - 2/3 of household income - and we have a very nice lifestyle on my salary. My DH works but has not/does not feel any need to push ahead in his career and earn more. In fact, he's thinking of scaling back.... I took short mat leaves so as not to interrupt my career progression. I'm now on the precipice of taking more senior roles (basically the very top of management) and I just can't take it.

I have always hated my work and only done it for the money (a necessity when younger, obviously). I suppose I was somewhat oblivious to the fact that DH wasn't doing the same. All my free time is spent with DC, which I love, but I literally do nothing for myself. I just work and do childcare. DH does loads around the house and with the kids (although I still do a 50% at least, including all night wakings, and all the planning/mental load). I have a cleaner. FWIW my DH loves his job, has hobbies and is a much happier person than me.

I just need a break. My mental health is on the floor, I'm snappy and feel like there is no point in life. I cry everyday. But financially there is no option for me to quit (I could not progress, but I can't quit). We do not live a lavish lifestyle but we don't need to think about money. I have savings but don't feel I could wipe them out (my DC's future) by going off sick and living off them. I've tried to explain to my DH but don't think he realises how bad I feel. I'm going to have to take medication but it's not going to address the actual problem.

I have no mental space to think about myself or even really think about my DC's non-immediate needs. I need a time out.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Is it possible to have one joint account and then you each have your own spending money account? The problem with just one pot is that he's got no desire to earn more when he can just access the big pot. Also, you don't feel like he is "gifting" you anything.

With the baby not sleeping through the night, if it's causing so much fatigue it might be worthwhile to get a few sessions with a good sleep consultant for professional advice. But I've heard many times that the baby sleeping with dad for a week does miracles in weaning them off breastfeeding at night. It might be you telling your husband you are done and he needs to pick a week to tough it out.

I would also suggest hiring a cleaner once a week to free up time for you or at least get chores you don't like out of the way.

All that aside, schedule in time for your hobbies like you do at work for a meeting. If it's on the calendar you and your husband will work around it. A senior leader does the calendar for his work and personal life so he knows things are in his life and he will make time. Down to picking up kids and when he wants to do a run.

Couldn't read and run.

Burn out is not fun. It's to be avoided and will impact your confidence, your career and long term mental health. It's hard to come back from. Take steps now to address it.

A few observations.

Two kids is a lot harder than one. The mental load triples. You have just gone back to work and it WILL be significantly harder.
A decent nights sleep will set you up.
Stop pumping, start weaning esp if you are feeding in the middle of the night. You want to get it down to a quick feed and story time for two just before bed. You can't do everything and hold it together at work.

Do you have a spare room, remove yourself to it at least 3 nights a week. Sit down with your husband and tell him straight that you are not coping. He can either step up in every way he can possibly help or the reality is burn out and redundancy. Lay it on thick.

Haven't heard of the milupa stuff but porridge, a pasta dinner, lots of options for filling up a 10 month old.
How much leave have you accrued or have you burnt it all with extended mat leave.

I'm not sure that it's fair to call your husband a complete bastard for having a hobby or never thinking to buy flowers or treats. My husband didn't buy me flowers for 10 yrs because I once commented that I hated that my ex had constantly done it (because he was a dick and thought that gifts fixed everything). Once he picked up that I'd love the occasional bunch they turn up randomly and spontaneously which is nice. He does his hobby at a time of day that doesn't impact me or family time at all. Deliberately so. If your husbands hobby is unsustainable for now then you need to tell him you need some time too and he needs to cut back. If he wants to make it all happen he'll find a way.

OP, can your parents come and stay for a few days to help you. Alternatively, pack up and go to your parents house and sleep in your old bed and leave dh to it. He will survive as will your baby.

He should at least do night wakings!

Been there when the DC were young. It does get easier but also I grew up with a bit of a role model mother who was SAH and did everything for us so my mental picture / what I was measuring myself against wasn’t the right thing

I do best with structure / agreed planning - for me having some agreed carved out time has worked

Find one thing you like - yoga class, walk etc whatever it is and do it once a week - have your “me time”

Once / twice a month see if your DH can take the kids out for the whole day to an activity (“daddy day”) and catchup on whatever you need - good bonding time for them, relief that you can catchup on work or just do nothing, or ponder on other careers / roles

Pick a couple of nights a week he is regularly on point for bath & bedtime

If you are in the UK, use the unpaid childcare leave every year from now until they are 18 - one week per kid, no-one at my work noticed when I had more vacation time off whereas part time would have been more challenging

For mental overhead - pick a few to start, hand them over (and then stay back … amongst others the DC had some pretty ridiculous hair cuts over the years but thankfully I did not organise or oversee any of them)

It does get easier as they get older

What time are they having tea? We realised that ours was being given 'tea' at nursery at about 4.30pm, with a very small snack at about 6pm if still there. So the meal was quite early. We introduced a substantial 'snack' once we got home from work/nursery pick up. So between 6.30-7pm. Doesn't have to be elaborate - porridge, Weetabix, toast with peanut butter type stuff followed by yogurt and some fruit.

Re the unpaid leave. It has to be taken in blocks of a week, unless the child is disabled, but if you keep it for going on holiday or anything else you'd do in blocks of a week, you can then spread the annual leave around to take a day here or there for you.

He's thinking of "scaling back"?

Wtf?

Can you give any more detail of what this means? How long for? How do you feel about this?

@Canttakethepressureanymore I’ve been there and did actually burn out, started making mistakes at work and ended up ‘leaving’. Don’t wait until you’re in that position and be forced into making changes, make them now. Start looking for a sideways move into a lower pressure/paced industry, I took a small pay cut but it’s more than made up for in the reduction in hours and stress (I do 10-15 hours a week less now!)
I also go into the office 3 days per week and have to leave super early, so DH has had no choice but to step up and sort out mornings! Their morning routine is more chaotic than I would like but everyone is fed, dressed and where they need to be so I’m not complaining. He is also responsible for any night waking if I’m going into the office the next day - rare these days now DC is older but not unheard of.
Basically, if you aren’t there he’ll have to cope and as long as he’s a semi capable adult who loves his kids, no harm will come to them. My only word of caution is that once he’s started taking responsibility, don’t do anything that might make him think he can give it back! Even if your way is better/more efficient etc say nothing and leave him to it. He’ll work it out.

I agree.
Like @plominoagain i ended up doing everything, it eventually broke me.
If I’d know what my life would be like I would never have married.

Fewer hours, maybe a complete change to something lower paid which he might enjoy/aligns with his interests.

I don't feel happy about it but hesitant to 'stop' him doing something that would make him happy. I just dont think he fully recognises that this is facilitated by me. I feel so stressed and detached that I couldn't even really name an alternative career I would like to do so don't have much of a counter argument IYSWIM.

Has he explained how he's going to make up for the shortfall in income?

Have you thought about telling him you're going to have a few months unpaid? Or you're looking out for a lower paid job, not sure what yet, but keeping an eye open.

He appears to think that he is your financial dependent. And be happy about this. He has no sense of how hard your job/life is currently. Isn't particularly supportive and certainly isn't a partner.

It's really time to spell it out (although you shouldn't have to).

He sounds like someone who does the bare minimum. For this reason, I wouldn't 'allow' him to drop hours or income. It would be a deal breaker.

Before you know it, he'll be a full time sahd and you'll be doing 50 hours a week to fund him.

Stopping breastfeeding is one obvious way to streamline your life.

Take a few days at a spa. It won't harm your kids. They should not be so dependent upon you to sleep anyway.

Your husband needs to step up either his earning or his domestic contributions. If you bring in 2/3 income, he should be doing 2/3 childcare and housework.

As a pp said, make him sleep alone with the baby cot next to him.

You are doing a lot of this to yourself. I mean that kindly.

It's past time finally him to "fully recognize."

He sounds one step up from a cocklodger.

He needs to do 75%

^ You said he needs to do more than half because OP is the breadwinner and assume she has a more stressful and demanding job. Both partners work full time so home should be 50/50 unless you go in with the assumption that the lower earner owes the higher earner a bigger share of household chores.

Bloody hell OP, it just gets worse and worse.
He wants to do even less.
Your passive non response is testament to just how unwell you are.

Please seek help before you collapse and circumstances take decisions out of your hands.

Your life sounds more stressful than mine and I'm a single mum.

You have a DH problem he needs to grow up and start supporting you.

I think its time you mention that you think his idea of stepping back further is something you are looking to embrace yourself and that you are going to apply to go part time..obviously with the associated reduction in income. Then ask him if you can sit down and work the logistics out...

That is incredibly sad.

The first thing I'd do is stop breastfeeding - you should find the nights a lot easier quite quickly.

As for your husband, I could kick him up the bum for you. Doesn't he realise how easy he has it in comparison? He really needs a come-to-Jesus conversation with you where he actually realises the reality of your life.

Is there any more help you can buy in in the meantime?

Yes I am so sad 🙁.

I already have a cleaner. Any discussion seems to turn into a competition about who does what. Im just so exhausted, I need him to do more than me at home for a while. I need him to say 'why you don't you take a break', but he never does and claims it's just life with small kids.

I got some sertraline from the doctor today so maybe we will see if that makes a difference.

Wow, I wish I had your doctor. An appointment and a prescription within one day is totally unheard of here! I hope the sertraline helps you.

Bupa ha!

I've had lots of medication and even strong ones too prescribed, and picked up on the same day. The quickest was under an hour. Bupa here too!