DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

Doesn't sound like he likes you very much. This is exactly how my marriage started to go downhill. Him being short and snappy with me,and taking little interest in anything to do with me or our DD. 2 years later we were divorced.

OP, in your OP you said ‘his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.’

Have you considered tackling him a different way ? You say you do the home admin so rather than ask him what he thinks all the time say ‘I thought we’d get downstairs decorated in the next couple of months, we can afford it, I’ve got a couple of quotes. There shouldn’t be too much disruption if I work with the decorators and we come up with a plan. Then maybe next year I can get quotes for upstairs. Is that OK with you ?

You’ve done the admin and are just clearing it with him so he has a say in what goes on but doesn’t have to do the grunt work and you get his input and agreement so you’re not taking the risk of him not liking what you decide.

Instead of hassling him with problems you’re bringing him solutions.

what the flip is wrong with everyone on mumsnet this weekend. How many times can you all say the same pointless comment to op that he 'doesn't like you'

Well, she asked.
Also
a) She doesn't seem to be getting it
b) what's she going to do even if she disagrees? LTB, with 3 young children and no job?

He hasn't forced her to work and even pays someone else to do most of her 'job' (12 hours or cleaning. 2, maybe even 4 I can understand
But 12??)

The least she could do is not bother him with trivial details.

This.

I am amazed people say 'he should not say stfu, he should tell you like an adult what the problem is'. You know, there are situations when there is no need to say anything - as the saying goes, 'if you have to say it, if you have to spell it out, don't bother, don't say it'.
Shocking entitlement, shocking exploitation. Shocking selfishness.

You're living a 1950s housewife lifestyle bubble (solely financed by your DH) with lots of spare time with 3 DC at school. Term time jobs are out there OP. Disregard what the PPs are saying about your financial insecurity at your peril.

When you're wittering on about (expensive) house redecoration - would you be wielding a paintbrush yourself or pay someone to do it? Maybe he's thinking you're finding more ways of unnecessarily spending the family money when you're not contributing to the pot?

You need to sit down calmly and talk about expectations when you're back home to make sure youre on the same page. Resentment leads to contempt and its difficult to comeback from that.

Bloody hell, so you don't even cook every day either??

I was a SAHM for MANY years when our kids were growing up (it was a joint decision). I cooked every single evening, did the washing, ironing, shopping, ALL the childcare, and volunteered at the school. OP, you are really lazy

Op you are taking the absolute piss

you need to step up and pull your weight or his clear resentment at having to carry the entire family will split you up.

you won’t like that. You’d have to get a job and live off that and cms…

Dear GreenMoose, I can’t imagine how upset you’re about your husband’s words and behavior 🫂
First of all, I’m sure you’re doing your fair bit in the family. There is nothing wrong with being SAHM. It is definitely not the excuse or the reason why your DH is snapping at you. I know woman who is a PR director and her man tells her to shut up in front of his and hers friends.
Secondly, I think you should have talked with your DH while ago when he first started to show signs of disrespect towards you.
Of course, we all get tired, perhaps, he has some issues at work, but he should value your feelings and emotions. And best way is to talk with him. When he is rested and not in a rush, tell him that it hurts when he says so things to you. Be open about your emotions.
Don’t be rude back, but stand up for yourself. It doesn’t matter he is a breadwinner, you are his wife.
And please don’t worry about the cleaners - it’s amazing you can afford help around the house. Well done! I also would like to have cleaners in the future, why not?
Only you and your DH knows what’s going on. Best is to ask him about it, ask him why is he so heartless with his words recently. We can just guess and speculate here. But don’t do this conversation on week day when he is tired and preoccupied with daily stress.
Good luck 🍀

Tbh I think I'd be annoyed as well OP. What do you do with your time? It's your job to run the house and you have a cleaner 12 hours a week. He's on holiday and you're wanting to talk about spending more money.

He speaks to you with contempt. It's unacceptable. He doesn't have any respect for you.

It's time you got a job I think. If you're for real

@GreenMoose and also, I haven’t read all the messages on this thread, but I can feel such a envious vibe here because you have cleaners and they don’t.

The issue here is she is treating him with just as much content! Not swearing at him doesn't mean she respects him either. His language is disrespectful, just as much as her attitude is, she is patronising, saying he "chose" to hire a cleaner because "he didn't want to take any domestic responsibilities" that's really big talk for someone that is accepting that does. Ot co tribute financially, holidays 3 times more than he does, despite not having a paying job AND also does not pull her weight with housework, I think it he disrespect goes both ways only they express it differently.

Get a job.

It has nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with OP’s skewed outlook on the situation. She has a cleaner for 12 hours a week, only has to do the school runs and has had three holidays this year, yet somehow seems to think she’s hard done by? No, he shouldn’t have said “stfu” but I’m sure we’ve all said or done things we shouldn’t have when we’re at the end of our tether. No, we don’t know he’s at the end of his tether but I think most people would be in this situation.

Exactly, I can’t believe that so many posters are directing such vitriol at the OP.

Vitriol? Hyperbole.

TWELVE hours a week?! Bloody hell. Surely part of the deal & the idea behind you being able to be a SAH parent, is that the cleaning falls onto you? (Yes I'd say the same if OP's DH was the SAH parent).

Anyway, LTB just based on his lack of respect for you.

You should be working as a partnership.

You yourself acknowledge that your contribution to the partnership is the mundane stuff - looking after children and ageing parents, mostly.

With this in mind, you are probably quite excited about redecorating the house, because it's more interesting than most of your regular tasks.

On the other hand, he clearly isn't excited about redecorating the house. Watch the scene in "Lost In Translation" where the male lead (Bill Murray) is being pestered by his wife for an opinion on carpet samples ... is that you?

It's possible to feel gratitude to someone for their contribution to your life, but to not enjoy spending time with them because you don't really connect as people. He might have accidentally just told you that this is his current state of mind, in which case - not good. The relationship seems to be more like employer / employee than husband / wife. You need to do something to rebuild the bond. Good luck.

Sounds like he is exhausted and trying to relax on holiday and you are hassling him with unimportant (to him) things. I would cut him some slack and let him enjoy his holiday.

He snaps because he’s clearly feeling under pressure. He can’t handle anymore stress so stop giving him more things to think about paying for.

In all seriousness he could be becoming depressed. Becoming snappy is a sign that he could break.

Come now its not envy.
Just imagine for a second this post was OP saying she works full time and her DH is a SAHD and he feels that as he gets the kids ready and does school runs, and calls in to his in laws that he wants her to pay a cleaner 12 hours a week for cleaning, cooking and ironing.
He'd be called a lazy cocklodger and she'd be advised to get rid.

@CrimsonStar and @WalkersAntler - do you really hear envy when posters point out that OP has all the benefits of being an SAHP without pulling her weight as an SAHP? Do you really think that what all women really want is to stay at home while their husbands earn money and pay for everything?

Because I can tell you that is not what all women want and I certainly do not envy the OP. I work outside the home and always have done. I would be a hopeless SAHP. I have friends who have been SAHPs throughout, including whilst their children have been at school. But they have also taken full responsibility for maintaining the home. They haven’t insisted their DHs take on serious housework because they - as SAHPs to DCs in school - have free time to do all that. They haven’t made their DHs pay for 12 hours’ worth of domestic support on the basis that their DHs shouldn’t be allowed to ‘get away with’ not doing domestic chores. Frankly, most WOHPs do more than OP is doing.

OP’s DH is definitely in the wrong to say STFU and roll his eyes but, in her own way, OP is treating her DH quite badly. This is a marriage which is starting to disintegrate and telling OP that her DH is completely in the wrong and she’s getting it all right is incorrect and unhelpful.

I was thinking along these lines.

He probably feels that he works full time and pays for someone to clean. So you have capacity to sort out all the home/life admin. He probably doesn't want to talk about decorating when he is relaxing on holiday.

Doesn't mean he should talk to you like that though.

DH and I are both Managing Directors at work, we each earn a significant amount of money. We have a cleaner for 5.5 hours a week to clean a 4000sq ft house and do the ironing.

Guess who gets our DC ready for school and picks them up… either DH or me. Using breakfast and after school clubs. We balance our schedules and use spreadsheets to manage our lives. We also tidy the house and manage to cook each day. I also do all of the mundane shit like keeping the house in good decorative order, buying birthday presents for everyone and running our DCs’ lives and house admin. If I wasn’t working and had outsourced housekeeping, I would expect to do everything to keep the house/family running.

You sound incredibly lazy.

Honestly, I feel contempt for you. Your husband must resent you massively!! That doesn’t excuse him swearing at you. He must be able to maintain a civil tongue in his head at work after all.

The fact he speaks to you like that though is an early warning that he’s checked out of your relationship. It isn’t equitable. He doesn’t like you. Use this time to get your ducks in a row!!

OP he isn’t as happy as you think he is. Happy men don’t speak to their wives like shit and they want to talk about what’s important to them.