DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

@Choochoo21 but you didn't say STFU, I assume.

If you are unhappy, not getting on, don’t enjoy talking to each other - have you thought about leaving him?

It definitely sounds like a power imbalance alongside a stale relationship.

He shouldn’t speak to you like that - it is unequivocally out of line.

However assuming you wish to move forward finding out the root of the issue would be helpful. Does he feel overwhelmed being the breadwinner. Is having a SAHP something he no longer wants to pay for? Does he get any leisure time? Is it just you need some time focusing on your relationship.

I don’t have the answers obviously but you need to start this conversation if you want to repair things.

Perhaps you could take a lead on the redecorating? I’m slowly redecorating my house, inbetween working full time and taking my children to and from school each day.

Honestly I'd be resentful too if my partner didn't work and had a cleaner for 12 hours a week.

If your children are in school what exactly are you doing?

You sound like my SIL but she also had a nanny (okay the kids were smaller). But her (now ex) DH wouldn't have dared say anything against her. He walked out as soon as the children were adults. I often felt like telling her to STFU.
Perhaps now your children are at school get a job, volunteer or learn to do a bit more around the house

Nah your reply about the cooking gave it away.

No way is someone this stupid.

@GreenMoose - your H was wrong to say STFU and be rude to you but you do seem to be taking the piss a bit with your expectations. In fact, in your way, you’re treating him pretty badly too. You have referred to not letting your husband ‘get away with’ not doing any housework, apparently without recognising that he is bearing the full burden of financially supporting the family but you clearly don’t see yourself as ‘getting away with’ not earning a living.

This is not people having a go at SAHPs whose DCs are at school. Some people are amazing home-makers and bear all the housecare/family admin etc whilst the other partner works. They may have a cleaner in for a few hours a week but generally not someone who does 12 hours’ worth of housework. They don’t expect their working partner to do significant housework because they recognise that that is part of the job of the SAHP (once DCs are in school of course; not when DCs are at home). And as for looking after parents and PILs, many of us manage that outside working hours.

And frankly, getting children ready for school, collecting them from school and cooking the evening meal is something which plenty of WOHPs manage, albeit perhaps with a bit of wraparound care in the afternoon for the immediate after-school hours.

Plus you have had 3 holidays this year and you are showing yourself to be rather adept at spending money.

@GreenMoose - your relationship has become very skewed. It sounds like your husband has become very resentful and many of us can see why. You need to have some careful conversations about how you can get things back on track.

Same.

It's not a normal reaction at all.

Not everything that couples talk about has to be exciting. Sometimes there is mundane stuff to chat about.

It's horrible to roll your eyes, huff and swear because your partner is trying to speak with you.

Who wants to have a partner who treats them with contempt.

My ex-husband told me to STFU up once. We were lost as he missed a turn, and I told him that we needed to turn around as he had gone the wrong way… our marriage was already dead but that was the final straw for me, I couldn’t forget it. He just, as people have said to you, really didn’t like me and I saw it clearly then. He said it with contempt.

I am now remarried and really happy. My DH and I do bicker at times and have had a couple of proper arguments in the whole time we have been together, that have involved raised voices/swearing, but those have been two sided disagreements about specific issues where one or both of us lost it a little, and we both apologised afterwards. There were reasons for getting heightened then, around specific big issues. But it’s rare. I know that he respects and really likes me, we are friends as well as a married couple - really good friends who are kind to each other and have look forward to spending time together.

Your DH spoke to you like that over an everyday issue because he finds you irritating. It is nothing to do with you not working, he would still feel that way about you if you worked full time (and he still wouldn’t lift a finger at home I bet - why would he ever stoop to “women’s work”? He is Too Important for that, right?)

I am happy. He is happy, as well, as long as I don't mention / highlight any things / problems to him. Its this stuff that bothers me. He will snap and then expect me to be ok 30 mins later.

I bet you are bloody happy!!!! Living your best life at home while he works.

I would definitely talk to him about this, OP, as it’s not ok to treat someone like this.

i would also look into career opportunities-maybe retrain or get something p-t- as people don’t treat each other like this in healthy relationships. You need to have the means to get back to work as things could get worse if you can’t sort this out.

But why would you highlight these problems on his holiday!

I don’t think you realise how mentally and physically draining working a FT job is.

You just want a few days to forget about the stress of every day life.
You don’t want to be thinking about home and all of the mundane or stressful things that need to be done.

@GreenMoose - are you going to address how much you are asking of him, however? To many of us, you are not pulling your weight and it sounds like your husband is resentful of that. I’ve said a few times that you referred to not letting him ‘get away with’ not cleaning, but you don’t seem to see yourself as ‘getting away with’ not working.

You are an SAHP to school-age DCs; you have lots of free time but he is paying someone to do what an SAHP to school age DCs would normally do. Plenty of working parents get their DCs ready for and to and from school, perhaps with a bit of wraparound care for the after-school hours. Plenty of working parents cook an evening meal, help their DCs with their homework, do bathtime and bedtime routines etc

It was your choice to give up work and the fact that he hasn’t asked you to go back to work is not the same as him being particularly happy that you don’t work, especially when he’s paying for 12 hours’ worth of domestic work and cooking to be done. He’s got all the burden of being the sole earner without a considerable part of that upside. You’re not keeping your end of that bargain.

As I said, he’s wrong to tell you to STFU and snap at you, but in your own way you’re actually treating him quite badly. I think your relationship needs a re-set with some serious talking on both sides about what you each contribute. Couples counselling may help.

"I am happy. He is happy, as well, as long as I don't mention / highlight any things / problems to him. Its this stuff that bothers me. He will snap and then expect me to be ok 30 mins later."

Can you honestly not see the problems with this? His life is still very active and engaging. He's busy with work and earning money and carrying the responsibility for an entire family and a cleaners wages. He subs very like he's resentful and bored by your ( sorry) silly trivial things when he's got so much more on his plate. Your entire conversation must be kids and his parents and what you want to do the house ( at his cost). Most couples grow together, over their entire relationship and honestly it really doesn't seem like you two are. Is this just it for you for the rest of your life? Just sitting at home? School runs don't last forever.

You haven't mentioned hobbies. You certainly don't clean. You do a bit care for kids and parents. That's boring as fuck to lots of people and those people don't have to bank roll you at the same time. If I was in your shoes I'd be trying to make myself more than what I already am in the hope of being able to talk about something , anything of substance. This is literally how couples end up going their separate ways. Give it a few years and he will be talking to another another woman that you have cost him a fortune, outsourced the SAHM parenting stuff and you don't even understand him blah blah blah. He doesn't seem to respect you right now so it could be closer than you think.

What is your plan if/when he DOES leave for somebody else? How will you support yourself? What about your retirement?

You don't work, you have a cleaner that works 12 hours a week. Three primary school children and 3 holidays. I think your taking advantage. What do you actually do when the dc are at school? You need to get a job and resolve the balance in this relationship if you were male you would be called a cocklodger.

I wonder if the responses that you are getting on here are giving you any clue as to how your husband might view the way that you are living your life and why he might feel a bit resentful that in his one holiday you are filling up his head space with stuff that he really doesn’t want / need to think about.You seem quite oblivious to how fortunate you are, three holidays this year (and from what you’ve described the others absolutely were holidays), you don’t work and you have a cleaner twelve hours a week.

Of course it’s not OK to be snappy etc but to be honest from what you describe I think I might be if my husband was behaving like you describe.

You sound bloody lazy. I worked full time when the kids were younger and did what you did without a cleaner.
He is probably tired and wanted to enjoy his holiday. As for your mental heath, I was a single parent with MH who could not afford not to work. Find a job, even part time and start to make a financial contribution.

Him telling you to STFU us unacceptable, completely and utterly and I’d be livid if DH says that to me.

However, what ‘problems’ are you talking about? You seem to only need to collect your kids from school and worry about what to buy your sister for her birthday?

He has never asked me to go to work. The issue is his annoyance towards me, and sometimes at the kids

Does he need to ask you? Wouldn’t you like to have a more fulfilling life that involved working or doing something other than collecting kids from school?

My DH went through a period like this when I was on my second mat leave. I told him in no uncertain terms that the way he spoke to me was making me miserable and that I would leave if it didn't stop. It did stop.
Have you talked to him about it? Does he realise he's being so aggressive?
My DH was sleep deprived (we both were) and genuinely unaware that his personality seemed to have changed with it. He did put a lot of effort into his behaviour.
If you've already had his conversation and nothing has changed then he either doesn't like you enough or respect you enough to change - in which case, leave

And yes I think there is something in this too...

It would depend how many times and for how long they'd been going on about it 😉

Both those questions involve spending money.
Maybe he's worried about money (supporting 5 people must be very expensive ) or resents his hard earned cash being spent on presents for your sister? Just a thought.
He was very rude though and there's nicer ways of saying not now.

I'm not excusing? Where, specifically did I say I was? I never once addressed how he speaks to her. Instead, you've decided that's what I was implying and got yourself all worked up over it.

But your issues aside, my points still stand. She's lazy and does nothing and still complains.

I've sworn at people I love because I was close to breaking and overworked. Should I have? No, but the difference is my family pulled and supported me. OP is just whining about how unfair her life is without a consideration to her husbands feelings or health.

Bore off with your men hating comments and insults to women. You're an embarrassment of a feminist.