DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

He needs to be clear and manly. He should write a list of acceptable topics and she should stick to them . Though no wittering! Straight to the point or he'll tell her to shut the fuck up and get him snacks.

Do give it a rest @cupcaske123 I have already said upthread that he has been unacceptably rude, if you read my posts. STFU is never acceptable to anyone.

You have to be trolling, surely? What on earth do you think working parents do either side of our jobs?

His!

I think it is a troll too.

However, those saying they work full time and pickup/ drop off to school, how without after school club?

If OP did her own cleaning, errands and cooking/ironing and picks up from school at 3.30, then that is enough to be getting on with.

Genuine question, no judgement or disrespect intended, but what do you do with the 35 hours a week your children are in school that means you can't pick up those average 2 hours a day cleaning and cooking?

Good grief! The amount of misogyny on this thread is astounding. He has no excuse for talking like that to anyone, least of all his partner, least of all the mother of his children.

If he is bothered about the division of labor he can discuss it with the OP like a damn grown up, not curse and insult her. If that doesn't solve anything there is always the posibility of divorce.

Do any of the posters who excuse the behavior of this abusive prick, consider what effect it has on the kids? I can tell you from personal experience that it hurts like hell to see one parent treat the other like this.

OP, you need to leave him for your own sake, as well as your children. You all deserve better.

He’s unreasonable to talk to you like that b it clearly there are issues here of resentment.

What do you do between 9am and 3pm?

12 hours outsourced housework is enormous.

4 days of sightseeing and attending events counts as a holiday - why doesn’t it? Does only laying on a beach with no kids around count? In which case presumably his holiday doesn’t count either.

It would irk me to be in a relationship where someone didn’t appreciate the luxuries and privilege they have, and might explain why he’s communicating in this way. Not to excuse it, but it might explain….

I agree your relationship needs a reset.

I don't condone the way he's spoken to you but I know if this was reversed everyone would be telling the man to get a job!

He obviously works long hours, possibly in a high pressure job to earn enough for a FT cleaning team!

So he's out all day working. He wants to come home and distress.

However your at home all day from 9-3 ish and when he comes home you want to chat house stuff.

You've had 2 holidays.

This is his only one - he doesn't want to discuss house stuff whilst there.

I agree with others that you need to get out and work, get some adult interaction daily for yourself.

Then hopefully you won't be in the current situation where right now his only chance to have some down time is your only chance (and when you desire) to discuss house stuff and life admin - clash.

I'm not saying he's right to treat you badly. But as a single parent with a disabled child I can tell you there's been times when I'm enjoying the sound of silence and people aren't getting it I've wanted to tell them to STFU!

I'll give it a rest when you stop making ridiculous statements about women. If you do nothing but talk inconsequential crap then speak for yourself.

Man, you are angry. I think you should be angrier at the posters who consider this acceptable behaviour, but whatever.

Him being a disrespectful twat is the problem here.

If he has opinions or feelings on holidays or what his wife should be doing with her time or what he would and would not like to chat about on holiday, he has the option of sharing with her openly, honestly, and respectfully.

But he chose the opposite.

He's irritated by you and doesn't respect you.

It may be because you are a sahp and he views himself as superior.

He sees the house stuff as your domain and doesn't want to be bothered by it.

Personally I wouldn't accept being spoken to in such a disrespectful manner. I'd be asking him what he sees the future as and being clear about your expectations of him going forward.

I don't think he should speak to you like that. However if I worked full time and my partner didn't work at all, kids at school and a cleaner for 12 hours a week I would just be more and more pissed off with them as time went by. And tbh would probably leave them because I would be incandescent at the imbalance of it. I think you need to sit down with him, AFTER your holiday and talk it through. Ask him if he resents you and maybe consider finding a different set up. Do you have the skills and experience to get a job? Do you have money of your own? In one way your situation sounds idyllic but if you were my daughter I would counsel against being solely reliant on a bloke. What would you do if he left you?

I find it difficult to believe that a woman actually thinks that only men talk about important things and women talk inconsequential nonsense. But patriarchy wouldn't exist without internalised mysoginy so it's hardly surprising.

If my husband didn't work and didn't appear to do a lot else, I would struggle to have any respect for him. Could this be the issue, OP?

What do you do all day? You have a cleaner and your kids are at primary school? The free time in the relationship isn't equitable.

Again, not what I said. I find it difficult to believe that your reading comprehension is so poor, but we are derailing the thread. I dont think her DP shoud speak to her like that. We are agreed on that. Please stop tagging me.

With after school club. Whether we’re picking up at 3.30 or 5.30, we still have to do the same routine that OP claims is the reason she has to have a cleaner for 12 hours a week.

Have you become a bore?

He should not talk to you like that. I would not tolerate it.

She is lazy. Pointing out she is the female equivalent of a cock lodger isn't mysoginistic.

She said she was letting her husband get away with doing no housework so he pays someone to come to the house to deep clean and do their washing and ironing once a week.

She is most aggrieved because she has to do the school run. And get 3 kids ready for school. And apparently does not much inbetween drop off and collection.

Anyway, decorate now as you see fit.

How about getting a surprise mural of you both like Mitch and Cam in Modern Family?

It sounds like he's stressed and has the full burden of paying for everything. A huge amount of the housework is done by someone else (that he pays for) and you've had trips away.

Let the man rest - why are you asking about presents etc - doesn't he have enough of the mental load??

Sounds like he's feeling under appreciated.

Saved me the effort of posting this!

P.S. that’s how we did it when DH was working away a lot.