DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

You know, I think it would actually be easier if the OP was indeed, erm 'wittering' on. Then her husband wouldn't need to do anything but make the appropriate noises.

However, she's asking him seemingly trivial questions. That he doesn't have an answer to. I can see how that gets wearing.

I don't know whether women really talk about 'inconsequential' things or whether it's because they carry most of the mental load. Numerous studies have shown that women don't actually talk more than men despite the stereotype.

I don't think any of us can tell you why your DH is so ratty, OP. Have a talk with him about it and ask him point blank "Do you want me to go back to work or cut down the cleaner?" Fairly sure he will say yes to one of these at least. But have a proper discussion instead of him sniping at you.

He is probably in debt .

OP, is this you?

You're getting a very hard time here from women who look down their noses at SAHMs.

Your problem here isn't being a SAHM.

Your problem is a husband who has given himself permission to speak to you as if you and your concerns don't matter to him.

Next time he decides to speak to you with contempt, or rolls his eyes at you, stop him immediately and ask him if he routinely speaks to his colleagues so rudely and disrespectfully, or if he does much eyerolling at the office.

If he's going to drag work into this, then you shouldn't hesitate to slap that BS right back at him.

He wants to have no part in the work or the mental load that goes into running a house and taking care of children on a daily basis. Clearly he feels his financial contribution means he can avoid all of that.

However, his financial contribution doesn't mean he can treat you badly. It's a mistake many men make, to be sure, but that's no excuse. It needs to be rooted out.

@GreenMoose is this a joke?

Of course you should have sole responsibility for the mundane aspects of your family life. That’s your responsibility and the deal if you stay at home, don’t work, pay a cleaner for 12 hours a week whilst he works hard to financially pay for your family and lifestyle.

The fact that you require a cleaner for these hours, don’t classify your previous two holidays as holidays and refer to getting your children up and to and from school as though that’s something arduous actually speaks volumes.

Why should he be involved and interested in your sister's birthday present? Also discussing decorating on his actual first holiday is a but bizarre.

Of course he shouldn’t swear at you, but resentment and frustration is certainly coming through strongly here. I think you need to have a long hard look at what you’re bringing to this partnership as you may well find yourself on dodgy ground in the future if he checks out of this relationship.

Most people in your shoes undertake all the family life admin and childcare as that’s the role.

It would be very interesting to hear his views. What are you actually expecting of him in addition to financing this whole family package?

Your just saying people have an issue with sahm Moms because it's easier. In fact it seems most people have an issue with lazy arse people. She openly says she has the benefit of a cleaner 12 hours a week, which she could easily do herself at 2 or 3 hours a day if she organised herself properly.

So far she said she gets the children ready for school, takes them to school. Collects them then I'm assuming cooks dinner.

She has been away to weddings with family days out sightseeing with family and generally seems to have a pretty nice life doing not very much at all.

Maybe she will be more appreciative once her husband drops dead of stress related heart attack?

A sahm parent should be doing worm related house tasks. Not whining their husband doesn't do their fair share then get bitter when he apparently outsourced their share.

I was a sahm parent for 3 years and it never crossed my mind to expect my husband to do housework and washing and cleaning because I was able to get it done during his working hours during the day.

The OP sounds a right lazy toad. You see it repeatedly on here sahm being told to get a cleaner if their husband doesn't pull their weight so it appears this is what the OPs husband has done.

He sounds exhausted. His first holiday, your third and you want to plan DIY for him to do...
I went 8 months this year with no time off and I was too exhausted to think or plan anything - any additional demands on me I also felt quite desperate about. Maybe he's feeling something along those lines.

Excusing his abuse is the misogyny.

I already said that he can discuss it like a grown up, but instead he shouts and curses and has apparently an army of handmaidens here willing to defend him.

He should not be talking to you in that way and I hope you’re children don’t hear that, but you should have the common sense to give him a break on holiday. The sister gift is ridiculous, can’t you just deal with it yourself? Why should he care?

@GreenMoose why did you tell us about the 12 hours a week cleaner? What has that got to do with your husband telling you to STFU?

Oh dear OP. It's not good that your DH told you to STFU but it's really not good that you can't see how he might have got to this point.

It's time to look at your marriage and reset the division of responsibilities. When the DCs are in bed, have a proper conversation. Ask him why he's rolling his eyes and snapping at you. Find out what's really going on. Point out that it's not ok to tell you to STFU, and that you want to know what's causing him to be so angry/fed up all the time.

I hope you can work it out. It looks dangerously like he's already checking out of your marriage.

"Who do you think gets the kids ready and picks them up from school."

Must be exhausting for you 🤣

Who wants to talk about DIY on holiday? I'd be dying of boredom too with the "what shall I get for my sister?" chats. Vouchers? Who cares?

Ltb OP. Give the guy a break.

Why can't you clean whist the kids are in school . How big is your house .
Maybe he just is resentful you don't work . And he does .
And to be fair talking about house stuff whist on holiday would just bring all the stresses of home on holiday

Granted he shouldn't speak to you in a horrible way . He could just say can we talk about it when at home .
Have you asked him if he would like you to now work and chip in? Or why he speaks to you in that way

I just remembered that I recently asked DH what I should get my sister and her husband. It did not prompt this reaction.

You need a job op, might balance things out a bit more

I'll answer: I look after the house admin, the boring stuff. I visit my parents and my in law. There is a fair amount of stuff to do for both of them - but more for my in laws as my sisters help with parents.

i never said I have a hard life, I know it's easier than most. I had MH issues so didn't want to return to work, but I had a decent career.

He has never asked me to go to work. The issue is his annoyance towards me, and sometimes at the kids.

The thing is being the sole breadwinner for 3 kids can also bring on MH issues.

I get his point, why would he know what to get your sister for her birthday?

And surely if you’re home most of the time you can lead on the redecorating?

Are these kinds of things the usual topic of conversation?

I think couples are more likely to drift apart if one person gives up work for a very long time. Your lives goes in different directions.

Nothing can justify your husband telling you to "Shut the fuck up."

Nobody should be afraid to say to their spouse something as innocuous as "Gosh, I don't know what to get Katie for her birthday this year, any ideas?"

Whatever the underlying reasons, he is not treating you with love or respect. If he has a problem with you not working outside the home, or he thinks the cleaner's hours should be reduced, the mature thing to do is initiate a conversation about it.

If my husband ever told me to STFU, I think our marriage would be over. I can't imagine him speaking to me with such contempt.

He has never asked me to go to work. The issue is his annoyance towards me, and sometimes at the kids.

Its your attitude that he’s annoyed at though OP.

I got annoyed at my teen as she’s on summer hols and I’d been at work all day and then did shopping afterwards, then I’d have to cook and clean when I got home.
As soon as I got in through the door, she was saying how she wants a new wardrobe and this and that in her bedroom - I said I’ve just got in, can I just have a minute to sort myself out.
I was abrupt and snappy because i just wanted a minute to relax without being hounded (I felt bad afterwards).

I expect that from a teen because they are quite selfish but you are a grown woman who is fully aware of how fortunate you are and so just have some sympathy and think about how your DH enables you to have such a luxurious lifestyle and the last thing he wants to do on holiday is talk about crap from home.

Let him have a few days of just focusing solely on the holiday and nothing else.

He doesn’t want to pay for you be a lady what lunches anymore. You are ungrateful for the lifestyle he is affording you and lazy. His generosity has run out and he wants you to just get on and do something.

Get a job and save your marriage.