To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

i.e. moving out. Your home is where you sleep for the majority of the time.

The 'forge lifelong bonds' is all part of the script. I am sure you can find it in any old Boarding school brochure.

Funnily enough I have lifelong bonds with my family, friends from primary/secondary/uni/work/antenatal classes/running club etc etc. I didn't need to be separated from my mum and dad to achieve that.

I do think there may be trauma bonding with some children and their friends. This can feel stronger than ordinary friendships. It is the kind of bond soldiers fighting in very dangerous war zones forge.

@Nadeed

i.e. moving out. Your home is where you sleep for the majority of the time

My husband is military. I wouldn't the place he sleeps, at work his home.

This isn’t about you being mature it’s about you being emotionally needy and a bit afraid of life.

They may get an educational experience from a boarding school that isn’t on offer from local day schools. In OP’’s case the journey is only 20 mins but that many kids’ journey is much longer. So it could easily save a couple of hours per day.

Also part of the script:
'Some children are just more mature and suited to Boarding' and other stuff about 'old enough to make their own decisions'....which is all just dereliction of parental responsibility because all teenage brains are still developing and they are not old enough to make such massive decisions. They need parental love, guidance and presence.

I don’t know how immature your kids are, but the 13 year olds I know are perfectly capable of saying they want to weekly board. Most don’t, or rather most parents can’t afford it so it’s not on offer. But the ones I do know who chose to board - absolutely loved it. If they don’t like it they don’t have to continue and that applies to any school - you don’t know what anything will be like until you try it.

Honestly no my nearly 14 year old isn't overly mature, he's still very much a child, something I am grateful for when I look at how some 14 year olds are turning out, childhood doesn't last long, I'm in no rush to get him out of it. (Note, immaturity doesn't mean dependent, he's not mummy-ed and is far more independent and capable than most kids I know, but he's still a kid).

It is well researched and documented how undeveloped teenagers brains are particularly in regards to decision making, they do not have the experience, world view or emotional intelligence we have, we as the adults are there to guide our children. And sometimes that means saying no when something they want clearly would not be beneficial, and actually be harmful.

Is age 22 a suitable age to be able to look back and have an opinion about boarding school? If not, at what age do you think a person would recognise emotional damage?

Tell that to adults who work away during the week or spend time travelling for work…

The intensity of it. The fact that children can't get a clean break from school is concerning. Very few people in the grand scheme of things would want to live in their work environment so why we would put that on children who are in many ways less resilient seems unfair. I think it creates situations where children can be making decisions out of their depth when really they could do with a parents guidance or reassurance. And that in turn creates the perfect breeding ground for abuse. And while yes that could happen in any school, its more likely to be talked about/ noticed by parents seeing a the impact on their child. And I think it's sad to not be part of such a massive chunk of your children's upbringing. I don't think it meets all the needs that children will have during the school term in the way that parents can meet those needs by being present at some point each day. I understand that for some parents boarding school is a necessity but I definitely wouldn't see it as better than a non boarding school. I want to see ds grow up and be present to guide and support him in life and I want to get to know his friends and be available to him when he's experiencing challenges. I think some people think that that type of setting increases independence and resilience but really resilience is built via a secure and loving family base and independence is built by equipping children gradually with skills and the opportunity to take risks with a safety net. I think boarding school is a little too much too soon.

Loving your kids, wanting to spend time with them and thinking being with your own offspring is in their best interests isn't emotionally needy. It's normal. Seeing it as emotionally needy is the kind of empty, emotionally dulled response that I think boarding school fosters in parents and children.

This is my view too. As it happens we could possibly afford to board them but they absolutely wouldn't want to, they are only 10 and 13 so this could of course change but there would have to be a very strong case for boarding being better for them. I wouldn't do it simply because they wanted to.

I think the difference is that most adults apply for jobs they want/ are interested in and feel the compensation they receive makes it an adequate trade off. I don't imagine most children feel its their choice to board or that they're compensated accordingly.

Loving your kids and wanting to spend time with them is fine and normal. Overruling something they really want to do at 13 because you can’t cope with it is needy and unfair on them.

Maybe when they have their own kids. But honestly maybe never. Plenty of people are parented in harmful and neglectful ways that they then pass on down through the next generation. People who were raised in care have a higher percentage of having children that are raised in the care system. It's the same with boarding school. It can be hard to recognise let alone break a cycle of neglect.

Right. I’m scared of life and needy because I don’t think OPs kids will be better off boarding when they live 20 mins from the school and were already day pupils, because that’s what we are talking about. That’s just weirdly dramatic.
You have no idea what freedoms my DD had, what we did together or apart or what my risk l comfort level is. What an arrogant attitude! Did you board, by any chance?

But according to this thread some parents would ban their teens from applying for schools they’re interested in and feel the compensation makes it worthwhile…

Them 'really wanting to do it' isn't a good enough reason to allow any 13 year old to do something if you consider it harmful.

@iamsoshocked I believe around age 25 is when the decision making part of the brain is said to be fully developed, I've certainly looked back on things from my teen years very differently as an older adult and hold quite different views from my teens and early 20s. Although I'm not saying that means your son will think he's made the wrong decision!! I do wonder if he'll reflect on it differently when he has his own kids? (He may like many other boarders choose to keep the cycle going if it was positive for him?) I suspect that's a milestone most adults reflect on their own upbringings.

It bothers me that those defending this say the kids they know absolutely love boarding school. And the reason it bothers me is that nobody absolutely loves any school. There are always pros and cons of any school. I went to a brilliant school, but there are parts that were not brilliant, because that is life.
If a parent really does believe their child absolutely loves boarding school, rather than posting that in defensiveness, then it suggests a lack of ability to understand emotional nuance.

***

My husband is military. I wouldn't the CALL THE place he sleeps, at work his home.

I don’t despise them at all, I just find it really sad 😔

Agreed. My daughter absolutely loves her theatre school (a twice weekly thing). Doesn't mean she doesn't sometimes have bad days or a teacher that she doesn't click with or a falling out with friends.

Where did I say I couldn’t have coped with it? I said it would have been wrong. As it happens I couldn’t have afforded it and DD never raised it, but it’s nothing to d9 with what I could have coped with. You really have a very skewed view of family relationships and emotional maturity.

@cardibach At y11 my DD had 12 extra activities. Music was three of the 12! Lots of other things took up her time and broadened her as a human being. Maybe go and have a look at a decent boarding school and you could be amazed at what dc can do.

I love the notion of all these high earning parents wfh and finishing early. Not sure they earn enough for boarding school so it’s comparing applies and pears. I suspect some posters don’t get near earning £1/2 million and understand what that takes. That doesn’t mean anyone should not have children. They love them just as much as anyone else but the lifestyle is different.